(If I could have the audience click on the most emo of music whilst reading this, to really capture the mood for the first half of my mumblings. I suggest Early November or Hawthorn Heights.)
There comes a time for nearly everyone on some spiritual path where they meet shadier and unknown trails. They feel uncertain of where they are headed, if they should be going that way, where it will lead them. Sometimes, a certain, weighty loneliness accompanies them, as it seems the gods have abandoned them, or put them on call waiting. It sucks, and I’ve been through enough of those nights to know where they lead a person.
There is a name for it, despite it being felt by many of the craft yet vaguely defined. Oddly enough, the Christians have a claim on it, and it is called “The Dark Night of the Soul”. It describes a time in which one feels spiritually abandoned and lost. Prayers, meditations, rituals, and the like are extremely difficult to perform because you’re too wrapped up in what it all means, whether its worth it, and if anyone is really listening. For the more serious new-Pagans, this can be a deciding factor in whether or not they stick with it, or leave for better horizons.
I first learned about it in a book by Edain McCoy (ooooh, hear the hissing now. Get off it, she’s not as much of a hypocrite as most of ya’ll out there…). In her book, ‘Advanced Witchcraft’, she presents some admittedly dubious information on the Inquisition, some questions you might ask yourself if you think you might be experiencing a DNotS, and a rather intense ritual to use if you are. DNotS is not a new concept, but is rarely heard of (sadly, as I’m sure a great many people would benefit in knowing that they’re doubts are completely natural) and 100% survivable. The best bet to get through it is remember what you’ve learned, what you -truly- believe in, and where you want your spirituality to go.
But what if your doubts get the better of you? What if those teachings you thought were important and something you could believe in are the very things you feel like chucking in order to attain spiritual peace? Welcome to my world. I’ve been through about four or five of these extremely doubtful times, changed paths entirely because of them, practiced different forms of Witchcraft…Still, throughout my desolation (made even better since I’m 70% Solitary), I held to the things I knew I believed in. The changing seasons, the Sabbats/Esbats, the Goddess and God, the folk magick that had worked so well time after time.
So what are you to do with yourself then? You’ve got all the parts and pieces, but they don’t seem to fit into any of the better known paths out there. You practice the Celtic wheel of the year, but aren’t into the Tuatha De Danann or Welsh cosmology. You like the breakup of the mind/body/soul that is prevalent throughout so much of the Egyptian theology, but cant seem to adhere to some of their archaic practices either. All the while, traditionalists bash you in the face for being drippy and sans “poker up the arse” that makes you all uppity like them (no offense. I’m just making fun of the few Gaians I’ve encountered like that). Either way, what do you do?
I never bought the book, but Scott Cunningham has a wonderful piece in “Living Wicca” (which is geared more towards the Solitary folk) explaining how essentially you could create your own tradition, based -entirely- on what you believe in and haven’t conditioned yourself in believing. Personally, I’ve considered it plenty of times. Thanks to my “path-jumping”, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Goddess delights far too much in changing her face for me (and the God just goes along with it, hoping I’ll pick one someday). While I’ve come to embrace, acknowledge and connect to the faces of the Goddesses I’ve honored, the ancient traditions that surround them feel alien to me sometimes. I do meditations, looking for her, and find her laughing in my face, saying “Never mind what they tell you! Feel me! Find me for yourself, and what do you see?”. It’s all very frustrating, and I’ve had to changed my BoS time and time again.
So why not create our own traditions? Are most of us really in a position where we cannot? I understand a giant-sized handful of us are, being leaders in covens, trailblazers in the old movements. That’s great! What about the rest of us though? Many neophytes turn away from the Pagan path because they feel its just like the religions they’ve come from, where they -have- believe in a certain way of things or else they’re not truly Pagan. It’s a shame! You’re free to pick whatever path you wish, but stray off of it and you’ve got your head up your arse? If you’re eclectic, then you’ve got no grip or concept of what anything is about? That you’re just stealing? I think not.
The point I’m trying to get across is don’t get caught up in what others say or think, or a tradition if its not what you really believe in. Don’t let spiritual abandonment take over just because rituals make no sense to you, or you just don’t feel the magick in them. Don’t call it quits because whatever you’re doing now doesn’t feel quite right to you. Go with your gut, your heart, whatever calls out to you. Strive to have conviction in what you believe in, and you’ll find the path isn’t as dark and dreary as it looks.
wink
There comes a time for nearly everyone on some spiritual path where they meet shadier and unknown trails. They feel uncertain of where they are headed, if they should be going that way, where it will lead them. Sometimes, a certain, weighty loneliness accompanies them, as it seems the gods have abandoned them, or put them on call waiting. It sucks, and I’ve been through enough of those nights to know where they lead a person.
There is a name for it, despite it being felt by many of the craft yet vaguely defined. Oddly enough, the Christians have a claim on it, and it is called “The Dark Night of the Soul”. It describes a time in which one feels spiritually abandoned and lost. Prayers, meditations, rituals, and the like are extremely difficult to perform because you’re too wrapped up in what it all means, whether its worth it, and if anyone is really listening. For the more serious new-Pagans, this can be a deciding factor in whether or not they stick with it, or leave for better horizons.
I first learned about it in a book by Edain McCoy (ooooh, hear the hissing now. Get off it, she’s not as much of a hypocrite as most of ya’ll out there…). In her book, ‘Advanced Witchcraft’, she presents some admittedly dubious information on the Inquisition, some questions you might ask yourself if you think you might be experiencing a DNotS, and a rather intense ritual to use if you are. DNotS is not a new concept, but is rarely heard of (sadly, as I’m sure a great many people would benefit in knowing that they’re doubts are completely natural) and 100% survivable. The best bet to get through it is remember what you’ve learned, what you -truly- believe in, and where you want your spirituality to go.
But what if your doubts get the better of you? What if those teachings you thought were important and something you could believe in are the very things you feel like chucking in order to attain spiritual peace? Welcome to my world. I’ve been through about four or five of these extremely doubtful times, changed paths entirely because of them, practiced different forms of Witchcraft…Still, throughout my desolation (made even better since I’m 70% Solitary), I held to the things I knew I believed in. The changing seasons, the Sabbats/Esbats, the Goddess and God, the folk magick that had worked so well time after time.
So what are you to do with yourself then? You’ve got all the parts and pieces, but they don’t seem to fit into any of the better known paths out there. You practice the Celtic wheel of the year, but aren’t into the Tuatha De Danann or Welsh cosmology. You like the breakup of the mind/body/soul that is prevalent throughout so much of the Egyptian theology, but cant seem to adhere to some of their archaic practices either. All the while, traditionalists bash you in the face for being drippy and sans “poker up the arse” that makes you all uppity like them (no offense. I’m just making fun of the few Gaians I’ve encountered like that). Either way, what do you do?
I never bought the book, but Scott Cunningham has a wonderful piece in “Living Wicca” (which is geared more towards the Solitary folk) explaining how essentially you could create your own tradition, based -entirely- on what you believe in and haven’t conditioned yourself in believing. Personally, I’ve considered it plenty of times. Thanks to my “path-jumping”, I’ve come to the conclusion that the Goddess delights far too much in changing her face for me (and the God just goes along with it, hoping I’ll pick one someday). While I’ve come to embrace, acknowledge and connect to the faces of the Goddesses I’ve honored, the ancient traditions that surround them feel alien to me sometimes. I do meditations, looking for her, and find her laughing in my face, saying “Never mind what they tell you! Feel me! Find me for yourself, and what do you see?”. It’s all very frustrating, and I’ve had to changed my BoS time and time again.
So why not create our own traditions? Are most of us really in a position where we cannot? I understand a giant-sized handful of us are, being leaders in covens, trailblazers in the old movements. That’s great! What about the rest of us though? Many neophytes turn away from the Pagan path because they feel its just like the religions they’ve come from, where they -have- believe in a certain way of things or else they’re not truly Pagan. It’s a shame! You’re free to pick whatever path you wish, but stray off of it and you’ve got your head up your arse? If you’re eclectic, then you’ve got no grip or concept of what anything is about? That you’re just stealing? I think not.
The point I’m trying to get across is don’t get caught up in what others say or think, or a tradition if its not what you really believe in. Don’t let spiritual abandonment take over just because rituals make no sense to you, or you just don’t feel the magick in them. Don’t call it quits because whatever you’re doing now doesn’t feel quite right to you. Go with your gut, your heart, whatever calls out to you. Strive to have conviction in what you believe in, and you’ll find the path isn’t as dark and dreary as it looks.
wink
