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 Posted: Fri Nov 18, 2005 11:01 pm
Yeah, yeah... it sucks to have writer's block, and all that jazz. I've had it for ages, so I've been critiquing more than I've been writing lately.
But I can relate to all of yous who've had it, and so I'm making this little stupid jump-starter thing to eletrocute your brain. It's extremely basic, as it's based on using a single word to get a poem going, but whatever.
The word changes weekly. (This is based on a thread created by bohemian_lover_boy.)
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Word of the Week: substantial.
xd One, two, three... GO.
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Although poems created from this excercise may be placed outside of the thread, I prefer that you post them in here first.
If you do so, I'll gladly critique them. Be forewarned, however, that I will be completely blunt and honest. Even if I know and love you. heart
NEWS.
I need help in this thread. Please volunteer!
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Posted: Sat Nov 19, 2005 11:57 am
Mm, sounds like a good waking up exercise...
"To Be Expected!"
After warming, it slipped easy through
his intended, gliding between
oily layers on a gleaming pink
penetration -
too much jelly.
He showed her wrong!
Even against all insistence
that a moment of heat
would make the task no simpler,
here it is, piercing fine
as anything.
Had not anticipated
such a flow to follow, though,
as planning not his strength.
One towel not enough
for such a sanguine spill
to hold.
If she had only
set the butter out
(as asked!)
would it have come to this?
Now he'll be stuck eating
his toast alone!
Swear the woman
meant to do him
wrong like this.
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Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2005 6:02 pm
Shjade Mm, sounds like a good waking up exercise... "To Be Expected!" After warming, it slipped easy through <-- "Easy", or "easily"?his intended, gliding between <-- "His intended" what? It's left a big blank here, and leaves the reader a bit confused as to what's really going on.oily layers on a gleaming pink penetration - <-- I like "gleaming pink penetration"... but what's penetrating here? The knife?too much jelly. He showed her wrong! <-- This has a weird flow to it, like it's said by a man who hasn't quite got it all together when it comes to the mind. It's not wrong, persay; it just doesn't seem to fit. Maybe, "He showed her!" or "He showed she was wrong!"Even against all insistence that a moment of heat would make the task no simpler, here it is, piercing fine <-- You have a tense mix-up here. Earlier in this stanza, you say "showed", and here, you say "here it is, piercing fine as anything." You're mixing past and present tense. Pick on and stick with it throughout the whole poem (unless, of course, it's a poem meant and built to mix tenses, which this is not. It's about butter. xd ).as anything. Had not anticipated <-- This stanza doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem, because of the fact that neither of these are complete sentences. Maybe "He'd not anticipated..."...to follow, though, as planning not his strength. One towel not enough <-- and "One towel was not enough..."for such a sanguine spill to hold. If she had only set the butter out (as asked!) <-- Instead of flat-out saying that he'd previously asked her to set the butter out, try to portray it with more of an image. I think it would suit this particular part in the piece.would it have come to this? Now he'll be stuck eating his toast alone! Swear the woman meant to do him wrong like this. <-- Once again, a fragment. Try to make it a complete sentence.
Basically, this piece is more "tell" than "show". And although everyone says, "Show, don't tell," what it really comes down to is the way it needs to be told. You get somewhat of a handle on that here, but I think if you're going to continue with the "telling", you need to work out more indepth, interesting ways to do so, because parts of this are boring.
I do love:
Shjade Even against all insistence that a moment of heat would make the task no simpler,
primarily because of the fact that "a moment of heat" calls up the image of an argument, which is basically the foundation of this piece, the argument between the man and who I'm assuming is his wife.
I also love the last line, even if it is a fragment. Flesh that out to make it a full sentence, and t'will be a beaut.
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Posted: Thu Nov 24, 2005 6:37 pm
I never liked butter.
So here's what I'll do with it...
Reminds Me of My Mother
Comfort-coated cookies
have no problem-solving sensibility.
No life lesson's gleaned
from a shame-laced lasagna
or chicken a la care.
More dessert to cover his bare, bone-white
plate of shortcomings? Please.
His cup runneth over
with empty glances and
full stomachs.
Margarine was never quite good enough.
Why must he be everything
but her
butter?
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Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 10:04 am
Follow My Lied I never liked butter. So here's what I'll do with it... Reminds Me of My MotherComfort-coated cookies have no problem-solving sensibility. <-- I like the repetition of using the hyphen.No life lesson's gleaned from a shame-laced lasagna <-- And AGAIN! Yay.or chicken a la care. More dessert to cover his bare, bone-white plate of shortcomings? Please. His cup runneth over <-- I don't like the way "runneth" is an old-fashioned term thrown in among language that doesn't quite fit. I'd change it to "runs". Or "flows". Something.with empty glances and full stomachs. Margarine was never quite good enough. Why must he be everything but her butter? <-- I don't really understand the ending. I'll probably figure it out when I'm more awake.
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Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 10:05 am
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Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 5:39 pm
Alright.
Plunge.
Call upon your inner dad
When Marcy told me
We were parents,
I knew not how to take it.
Should I clench but
Take the plunge?
Or should I
Lie and fake it?
Not only did I
not know how
I knew not where to look----------------------(( ninja ))
Go to dad who's
Been there, sure,
But Mother,
Was he shook!
When Marcy told me
We were parents,
I knew not
how to go on.
But
I called upon
My inner Dad
And accepted
my Spawn. (Joking, son)
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Posted: Mon Nov 28, 2005 7:09 pm
Hm. I'm not sure why, but contemplating "plunge" makes me think about the themesong for Last Exile. ("Just keep trying, keep on flying, I will be the light...") ...very weird. Anyway! ...um, don't bother critiquing this one unless you're really inspired for some reason - I'm just letting it go wherever it's going, so it's probably gonna get messy. ^.^;
"Rush--EX"
Lost in reconsiderations for an hour more
(the sour chore of caring staring back at me with such a dirty smile)
I'm left with just a question: why should it be me?
No answer - refuses to answer - well I reject
your promises, I push down the way you
string it out behind me like a certified disease
that only I can treat--
Why should it be me who has to dive into
a rush of ecstasy
one moment longer? Oh, did I say that wrong?
Was a word too long for you?
Maybe I'm just revolving left when
I should be turning down and down again;
always knew just how to lower expectations right.
No solution, empty spaces waiting on a wall
of spirit I'm not here to give - the limitless supply
is just a lie I have to live or live down
in the face of adoration I never wanted, never asked--
Did I give a sign to someone that I never saw
or sing a note off-key for just the lock that lay before me?
What's the reason left to give such heavy over-lapse
on levels I have yet to reach (much less complete)?
Why should I be the one to bring you down with me
into a spiral dream
obscenely running long into the realm of inconsistency
a distant touch upon a subject we promised not to reach
for years to come, but here it is, and now you just won't
let it go--
Why should it be me who has to take the leap
across an unknown fantasy
and scrape for every moment left between the now
and this is me--
Between the now and this is me that's saying
we're all done - this is through - time that you found
you took the plunge and, well, you hit the ground.
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Posted: Wed Nov 30, 2005 9:58 am
Here's a famous plunge
And What Did We Learn?
As far as the East is from the West!?
That's quite a fall.
I hope the ice broke it for you.
Of course, now you're screwed,
stuck in deep;
but when did He say anything about leaving?
Was your tantrum
(that's all it really was)
worth having your nose eternally stuffed
in a dark-flamed, frozen corner?
I guess it doesn't matter,
because you've still got your pride;
and nothing, dear friend,
could be more damning.
The awful honest truth be known:
nobody gets up from a plunge like that.
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Posted: Mon Dec 19, 2005 7:14 pm
Serrated? Hm.
"Once More With Peeling"
Only the scaled greenery has a heart:
go ahead and search for more
it's just a waste of time, I'll tell you now,
no matter how
far you choose to goose yourself this time.
Don't bother with a yearning while still
learning how to reach below the surface
in that indelicate way of things
that just never say what they mean -
I couldn't have stayed through it all
but appreciate the asking
(just don't ask me again).
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Posted: Sat Dec 24, 2005 3:45 pm
Lou
My heart beats wildly;
The birth of a new child!
Baby you've got me riled,
I'm not taking this mildly.
I remember your daddy,
And his serrated way of life
As soft as a bread knife...
Boy, if he were here today-
I know that he would love you
With all your grace and grins,
Your fingers and your shins
And the green of your large hues.
Your brother would've cried,
Were he here to witness this,
His smile would be pure bliss,
Had he not also died.
I remember the car,
Its rumbly under-belly;
Eating vermicelli
In the backseat, where the wild things are.
That was their cause of death,
And it was almost mine,
But He saw your light shine
And gave me back my breath.
Baby, how I love you
With your grace and your grins,
Your strain to my shins...
I think I'll call you Lou.
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 1:44 pm
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Posted: Sun Jan 15, 2006 1:59 pm
Rodent trap Alright. Plunge. Call upon your inner dadWhen Marcy told me We were parents, I knew not how to take it. Should I clench but Take the plunge? I like the double entendre of this line and the previous. xd Or should I Lie and fake it?Not only did I not know how I knew not where to look ----------------------(( ninja )) Go to dad who's Been there, sure, But Mother, Was he shook! When Marcy told me We were parents, I knew not how to go on. But I called upon My inner Dad And accepted my Spawn. (Joking, son)
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