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My fiance and I have been talking lately. We've always just assumed that we would have a child. It just seemed the natural thing to do. But recently, we've started considering some other options.

-What would make us happier? Having a child? Or having all that extra money and mobility that would allow us to do all these other things we've always wanted to do.

-I know that everyone always says that it's a blessing to have children, and I am sure it is. But the reality is that it's also a lot of stress. I am at a high risk of getting serious "baby blues." Every woman on my father's side of the family has had it. One of my cousins and two of my grandmother's sisters never actually got over it. It's now eight years after my cousin gave birth to her son and she is still on medication. Combine that with my mother's fiery temper and I am so scared of what I might do to my child. I am paranoyed that I might just... do something that could cause damage. I just lose control sometimes when I am stressed...

-Having a child complicates things. I won't be done with school for a long long time (I will be in my mid to late 20s). Then I have to find work, settle in, make enough money to live comfortably, and all that stuff before I can even think about having a child. I worry sometimes about the fact that the risk of complications increases with age.

-I want to raise my child in Europe. It's where both my fiance and I were raised and we feel very strongly about it. However, moving there is going to cost a lot of money and be very difficult. I need between 3-5 years work experience before I can work in Switzerland (our goal country) and it's going to take me a long time to get there. And then, my fiance not knowing the local language very well, may have trouble finding work. And, of course, the fact that if he does find work, he will have to then return to Canada to get the visa stuff sorted out. All that travelling will be costly. I simply cannot make enough money as a teacher to be able to support a child during this whole process.

-There's so much violence in the world, and pollution, and hatred. It almost seems cruel to bring a child into the world.

-On the other hand, so many parents are complete jerks. My fiance is such a wonderful, hard-working, honest man. It almost seems unfair that such a kind person should not be a father.

-We want something that is our own to create, to love, to watch grow. We have a bazillion pets, most of them rescues, and we love them very much, but it's not the same.

My fiance won't consider adoption. He said it's a possibility if we have a child and then decide to adopt a child from a third world country once our child has left the home (or is in High School). But he does not want an adopted child as our only one. I don't understand his reasoning, but he feels strongly about it. I respect him enough to accept "just because" as reason enough.

Obviously, none of you can tell me what to do. I am more interested in hearing other voices. My fiance and I are only two people and I know that there are all sorts of things we haven't considered. Mostly, I think, I would like to hear from the parents here about your own experiences and thoughts on the matter.

Thank you for your time biggrin

Oh no! No one be worried about offending me! Honest opinions, please. I ask for input. I'd be a horrible person if I then didn't take it biggrin

Yeah, having kids now is by far not an option. I work very long hours for school and my fiance's job security is... well... non-existant. He works as a freelance security guard, so he only has work when a regular guard is sick. At the earliest, we'd have a child in our late 20s.

Waiting seems like it may be our option. If anyone else has input, however, I would love to hear it biggrin

I will check out the parenting guild! Thank you!

And maternal urges... oof, I know that, lol. That's why we got Kali. She's a rescue cat so she needs a lot of attention (not as much as a baby, but still a heck of a lot). I find rescues to be a good release for the bulk of my maternal instincts. It's a good deal, too, since my fiance is studying to be a veterinary assistant and is doing a lot of co-op work in clinics. We get all the cutest little furrballs as soon as they come in mrgreen

Yeah, I think it is. If your own kid trips and gets a little bang on his head, it's no big deal. A little band-aid, a kiss, and everything is fine. But if you are babysitting and then his parents come home and see him hurt... you can get into a lot of trouble.

Awwww, but pets are so awesome! We have two cats and two ferrets right now biggrin We don't really have the money now, but when we have a bit more stability we will be registering as a temporary foster home. It's just so much nicer for kitties to have home to be in until they are adopted than staying in a cage somewhere.

My mom was 32 (and dating my dad for 9 months) when I was born, lol.

I can understand the anticipation completly. Especially when so many people all around are talking about babies and pregnancy and you just want to feel that little life in your arms and know that it's yours.

But, of course, I know just with having animals how hard it can be to travel. We have to find people to come over and feed/cuddle. Or it's the price of a whole extra ticket on a plane. It can make things so much more difficult to have "freedom." I know it sounds really selfish... sweatdrop

No problem at all. I've enjoyed our little conversation biggrin

I'm really glad you understand my desire for "freedom." A lot of people get horrified that I would have a desire to live my life for myself and not for another being. We have a very high opinion of altruism and a very low opinion of those who are not altruistic in certain key ways, I find.

And yeah, my fiance gets a bit creeped out with my maternal stuff. Unfortunatly, I don't quite have the self-control to keep my mouth shut around him, lol

I think you are smart enough to know that now is not the right time as you have said. So basically you don't really need to decide right now. You have plenty of years to make up your minds. I'm assuming you guys will be getting married in the nor so distant future. I'm at that stage now. And weddings can be expensive! So take a few years to find what you want, get married, possibly move if that is what you want. Hopefully buy a house or at least get a few years into the mortgage. Then you can start thinking about it and deciding what you really want. There is plenty of time and no decision needs to be made right away.

So long as you know that you m ay be on medication a while, and to hand the baby over when stressed, you will be fine. I had PPD, severe PPD. I was on Zoloft from the day after I delivered until recently, when I weaned myself off. I wanted to smother my baby. I'm not proud of that, but it's true. It's something I had to deal with. My daughter is healthy, intelligent, and beautiful. That obstacle is very overcome-able.

It sounds like you should wait.

You have all these things you want to do, ideas and morals and things you want for your child, that you just wouldn't be able to give them right now.

You've imagined this wonderful life for yourselves and your child, back in Europe, when you're done with school and have time to spend with them and that much less stress. It's a wonderful idea isn't it?

Then you imagine raising a child here. Much as you would love them, with the inconveniences of. You would likely have to give up the idea of ever moving back to Europe, at least in the next 10 or 20 years. You simply wouldn't be able to afford it and wouldn't want such a huge hassle on top of having a child. You have school to deal with that will divide your time. Financial problems on top.

Which one do you want? The first of course. So why not work towards it? It's a great goal and certainly one you can achieve with a little patience. wink