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ShaydenPanda

PostPosted: Thu Jul 02, 2009 8:44 pm


I pay for the bagel, three fifteen just like I thought, just like I pay the balding man behind counter. He's tired, looking downward, and none that aware. I suppose that, working morning shifts are hard, and that he's excused from unnecessary pleasantries. Hell, if I had to work his shift I'm sure I would have snapped by now. Maybe bash someone in the head with one of those french loaf things. The balding man shoots me an odd glare, as I giggle to the pre, would be, could be, violence. I take my bagel and walk away from him and his counter, making sure I grab a knife and a packet of cream cheese. Whoever thought of cheese in cream form in the first place is a sickening, brilliant man.

I take my seat. It's one of three big chairs. Leather-bound, big arm rests, big seat cushions, and best of all, big space. It's impossible for a guy like me to fill up the space, so it's nice to have some room every now and then. Even though, now and then in this context is every Saturday and Sunday morning when I don't have to show up for any classes at 9:55 in the AM. Yeah, lucky me, to be fair. Most 'peeps' my age have to show up at 7:50, bright and early. Me? 9:55. Monday through Friday. Monday and Wednesday starting with Yoga, and Tuesday and Thursday opening up with Advanced Studio work. Fridays are a favorite though. Fridays are my Partner days with Rebecca. We get our work done, and I think she likes me. And she's pretty. I think it'd be cool dating her.

Y'know, as an Asian, I'm so offended by people who are into Japanese culture in the States. I mean, sure, it's cool you have an interest in my people's background. That? I'm okay with that. What I'm not okay with, however, are those ignorant assholes who dress up in technicolor, with an Anime T-Shirt, Anime Messenger Bag, and try and act 'Honorable'. Lousy ignorant pissers who don't realize that a lot of Japanese People, me included, and a large portion of Japan included, hate that stuff. Hell, even the thing they call themselves. Otaku. It's derived from the serial killer who ate kittens. I resist the urge to kick the chair out from beneath the girl two feet away yelling in an obviously fake voice at her friend for not calling her by her 'real' name. I know the girl. And the girl whose yelling. Katy Risa, and Miriam Goldstein. I don't blame her for wanting to be called something different, but 'Kisami' is by no means acceptable for someone that blatantly white. I look at Katy, she looks at me, and we both exchange sighs. We take Tuesday and Thursday classes together. I know what she's going through.
_____________________________

This is an excerpt from a book project I am currently working on. All it comprises of are sections of first person view daily basis lifestyles. This is from the viewpoint of one of the characters; Alexander Parker. He is 5'6'' in height, 163 pounds in weight, and Asian American.

The book follows a few hours of each persons life before it moves onto the next person, until finally it comes back around to the first person. There are five people in all, which the book shifts back and forth from.

These are ordinary people, going through their daily lives as they see it.

Critique, so far?
PostPosted: Tue Jul 07, 2009 12:38 pm


It's an interesting concept, but I think the narrative style kind of takes away from the piece as a whole. Too much exposition. Instead of having him explain what's going on, why not try depicting it as it's happening. Dialogue can do wonders. The first person narration seems like it's detracting from the piece.

Also, were you intending for this character to be even remotely likable? I find it difficult to relate to him, and no, it's not because he's Asian. This piece kind of reads like a diary entry of sorts, and all he seems to be doing is complaining, as the rant overtakes the entire piece. Whether it will appeal to potential readers is something to keep in mind.

You may want to change the first line in the third paragraph, at least the part that says, "as an Asian", to "as a Japanese American", because the problem he mentions afterward really only applies to Japanese Americans. Now if you were instead talking about the misrepresentation of Asian Americans in popular American society as a whole, then I would stick with the way the line was written first. My reason for stating this, is that the line gives the impression that the specific problem that is written of applies to all Asians (which it does not), and gives the slight implication that all Asians have the same societal issues. Not the case.

shinsei kioku

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