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Chapter One: Easier To Run yes, based off the Linkin Park song

Sometimes, I think it would be easier to run. Runaway from this hell that my life as become. There are some days, as I watch David slowly deteriorate, I wish that he would just die. I am a selfish person. No matter what anyone thinks of me and how high they rate me, I am secretly selfish. I take what I want out of life and then when I am left with all the pieces that have been ruined by actions, I go to fix them. I care because I am loosing something close to me that I need and the selfish cycles goes onward. I become selfish for the things that my selfishness are pushing away. Like my father. I gave in to my needs and used his wife. No matter what I tell anyone, I secretly liked it. But when he found out, I had to figure someway out. So I blamed it on her. She was suppose to be the one that he gave up, but instead he gave up on me and himself. My selfishness cost me his life, but still, after he knew, I still went back to Julie. I knew in my heart and soul that it was wrong, but I needed it so bad that I let go of all that I knew of right and wrong and went with instinct. What does that make me? A monster. Maybe. I might as well be with all the things that I have done over the course of my life. I almost was responsible for millions of people dieing. That is some sticky blood that would not be washed clean so easily. It was stain my hands a deep crimson. A reminder of everything that my life was suppose to stand for, yet failed.

I cling. I am afraid to lose everything around me and to be left on my own again like after the night that my father killed himself, but yet I fear the guilt that can go along with my actions. I can't let go of the darkness in my past and these memories that come along with it. I wish I could suppress it all until I am unable to remember who I am. Until this pain is pushed aside and I have become numb. Until I no longer feel the sting of pain as David begins to yell at me and Sunny in a feverish rage until he lays on the floor barely breathing. At the point, I want to hit him. Make him feel the all the pain that begins to consume and claw at my mind in the night. But I don't. I stop my world to try and help his because I know that is what Sunny would want. The thing that Hal Emmerich would do. But I don't think I know that man anymore. He is long gone. The timid scientist is trapped away while this new colder man is taking on life. If I've become so cold, why do I still feel pain? The aching of my heart as I watch my little girl get screamed at and the pain snaps me out of my body as his hand hits me.

I wonder how far away I am from my breaking point. Until I can no longer take my life. I must be getting close now, with Sunny gone and all. I wish David was gone and she was in my arms. She is my sunshine, and David is the dark clouds that block her out. He is the reason she is and his anger that came with one of the late night fever sessions. All she wanted was to care for him and he smack her down like she was a rag doll. The teachers asked questions, came to interview me and David. He screwed up and smacked one of the people and cursed at them. The next day Sunny never came home. She's gone. My sunshine is gone because of the b*****d. All the things I've done for him and he takes away the one thing in my life that I need. I secretly count the days until I am sure he will die. I don't want him here. He no longer wants to live and I held on. I think this time, he was right. Life would be better if he was gone, but my breathing almost stops at the very thought. I wish I could read my heart but I think it is to far gone.

I like to pretend that these wounds don't run so deep under my skin. I pretend that my life was no worse than the day before. That I am not in so much pain and walking on a thin sheet of ice that is threatening to crack. No. I can't. I can't let my guard down. Not until this is over and he is gone. But if he leaves, what do I have left? I don't have a daughter. I don't have parents. I don't have a step-sister. I don't have a lover. I don't have a friend. I have nothing. Nothing. It's such a hollow word. There is not one good thing that can be associated with that word. I just wish I didn't feel so misplaced. That I had someone to fall back on. But I don' is no one left that I truly care about. It is all over for me now. My time of finding that some one is long gone, and has been for quite a while. I think that I am destined to be all alone is this world.