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Hello! smile I'm a mom of two (a 6 year old boy and a 3 year old girl) and i've been married to the most wonderful guy for 8 years now. Now that the intro is out of the way, here's the important stuff:

My inlaws and some other family of my hubby's lives close by, pretty much all in the same town. Every Friday morning my father-in-law takes one or both of my kids (depending on school schedules and his schedule, ect.) around on some short errands and to see their great-grand parents that still live in their own home and also to visit their great-great-uncle that's in a nursing home. Well, what i was afraid of finally happened. The great-great-uncle has been battleing parkinson's for many years now and his body finally gave out, after lasting for almost 3 years longer than expected. He passed away yesterday morning. Death is not a topic that we have really had to explain to our kids yet and we're not much of a religious family. (We had a fish, a beta, that died a few years ago and Hoover just kinda "went away" since my son was only about 3 when that happened.) The kids knew the uncle was sick (they didn't get to see him last friday since he was in the hospital with what we thought was just a respitory virus) but that almost made it harder to explain. My 3 year old daughter didn't really understand much of anything. My son though eventually broke down into tears. He, at least, understands that there will be no more trips to see the uncle in the nursing home, which he thought of as a treat since everyone involved usually had a good time. Hubby and i are at odds as to wether or not the kids should attend the funeral services. (It's just a simple grave side service on saturday from what i understand.) I didn't have to deal with a family members death until i was about 13 so i'm just not sure how much of all this the kids really understand. Since the tears, my son has seemed fairly nomal but he's asked me a few times what a funeral is for and i've explained in a way he can understand i think. His behavior as of late hasn't been what i'd call the best either but that was going on even before we found out about the uncle (testing boundries again i think) so it might actually be harder for me to tell if there's anything that's eating at him due to this event. Anyone been through something like this with a child around this age? I guess i'm just feeling really out of my element with this issue! sweatdrop

And my condolences on the loss - especially to your little ones. it is hard to tell everything they are thinking and feeling.

My grandmother died two years ago, when my kids were 4 and 1. The 4-year-old asked a lot of questions, as they tend to do, and occasionally still asks why she died (answer: because she was very old and very sick - it's easier to get sick as you get older, and harder to heal). I made sure to explain everything as best I could, because most people I know who have a hard time dealing with death as grown-ups...learned about it at a much later age growing up. I think having people just "vanish" would be scarier, because where did they go? What happened? Don't they love me anymore? Kids can really fixate on something like that. Of course they will probably be sad, and will need to cry a little (or even a lot), but having a clearer picture of what happened and why will help them worry about it less. I like Ms. Jo's analogy of the glove and the hand; I may use that the next time I need to explain the concept of spirit.

Worst case scenario: my best friend's mother died of cancer. Her girls were 4, 2, and in utero. The oldest one is a HUGE drama queen. She saw her grandmother getting sicker and sicker, and started picking at her own skin and worrying that because she had a skin wound she would get sick and die soon. Once her grandmother had died, and my best friend had given everyone a chance to say goodbye (funeral), the oldest girl's nevous behavior stopped. She isn't particularly fixated on death and dying, and is probably less worried about it than she was before. Notice that the kids had a harder time when Grandma was sick than when she died. I strongly suspect that if she had watched Grandma just get sicker and sicker until she disappeared, she'd still be picking at herself, worried about what exactly happened.

Remember, of course, that all children are different. But most of the children I know do better if they learn as much as they can about death as it happens, rather than having to fill in the gaps on their own.

Thanks for all the input and advice! The services on Saturday were very short... about half an hour at the funeral home and 5 minutes at the cemetary... and both of my kids were quiet and well mannered. Other than a few more questions the other day, my son hasn't really said much else but I think if he brings it up again, I might borrow that bit about the glove and hand. It's simple enough I think he could understand it and it goes along with what we've told him already.

The kids' Friday mornings with grandpa won't feel the same for them for a while I guess (great-uncle Bud was one of the "rituals" of the day) but my father-in-law is pretty good at distractions... he's Grandpa after all!

Thanks again!

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