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 Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 9:48 pm
My fiance is completely wonderful, there's no one I'd rather spend my life with. Except in one area ... the sex. Don't get me wrong, there's days he's great. But the majority of the time, it's just ... meh. It may seem very shallow of me, but I wish he was better.
It's not just the intercourse. It's foreplay as well. He doesn't give oral, at all. He's gone down on me once, but he was completely wasted and hasn't done it since. Even if I tell him that it'd be nice once in a while. He won't do anything like kissing my whole body. (i.e. starting from my legs, working his way up to my neck.) And, he's not always hard during the whole act. We have to stop once or twice to work him up again.
I can deal with the sex, try and get him to do new things. He's been with more partners, but I'm the one who's more experienced with different positions, sexual acts, etc. There's one thing about sex that I haven't been able to do very well, however ... give directions. Like "harder/faster", "pin my arms down!" and basically give direction on what I want for both foreplay and during sex.
I'm going to work on that more, because it might improve it, but my real question ... is it possible to make a marriage work without a personal fulfilling sex life? I hear stories about people who don't have that, about them ending up cheating and divorced. Now, I don't believe in cheating, it's wrong and ******** up everything. I'd just like to know if sex would be a deal breaker to anyone here or not?
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Posted: Sat Jun 06, 2009 10:19 pm
It really boils down to how important your sex life is to your relationship. If it's at all important, lack of a good sex life WILL spill over into the other aspects of your relationship and it will eventually lead to issues that can lead to stuff like break up and cheating.
I've been married to my husband over 3 years and we've been together for about 6-7 years total. We've had a lot of issues with our sex life because he has clinical depression problems and often loses his libido because of it. I, on the other hand, have an endocrine disorder that was only recently diagnosed, and due to an excess of testosterone in my body, I was a horny b***h all the time and wanted to have sex at least 2 times a day.
Because of our mismatched sex drives (which were less mismatched when we had more free time and less life stressors like full time jobs and school), we often ended up getting into arguments and problems in our relationship. I even got to the point where I was sure he was cheating on me because he never had sex with me and obviously I thought that he was getting it elsewhere. I was begging him to tell me "the truth" because I was hoping that he would at least let me go get sex elsewhere as well because I was so tired of being ignored sexually.
It sounds to me that you and your fiance both value sex but you're not doing a good job of giving and receiving. He's not willing to initiate, but you're not willing to talk to him about what you want. You will both need to make concessions and work things out; that's part of being in a good marriage or relationship, period.
That means that you will have to get over being shy about asking for what you want, and he will have to get over his inability to engage in foreplay and pleasure you.
It seems to me that you may benefit from seeing a sex therapist together, or at least have a nice long talk about what you both are willing to do to help fix some of your sexual incompatibility issues.
I would have to say that the longer you ignore the problems, the worse it will get. It won't just magically fix itself; you will both have to work hard. But I will say that once my husband and I actually got to talking about our issues and I got on the proper medications to help with my endocrine problems, things improved IMMENSELY in all areas of our relationship.
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Posted: Sun Jun 07, 2009 12:24 pm
Yes, I think it is possible to have a good marriage even if you're not satisfied in the bedroom. My partner and I get along great. We don't fight. We're together all day every day (he works from home). We have the same hobbies.
The only place we don't mesh well is in the bedroom. We've talked about it but have a difficult time compromising. He likes to get oral but won't give it. I like getting it but hate giving it. I am into cuckolding, he is not. At first it was really difficult because my sex life was so fulfilling in past relationships and when I was single. I was easily tempted. And while I didn't cheat, I could see myself having the potential to cheat.
But after a couple of years I guess I sort of got used to it. My sex drive lowered a bit, so I'm not as easily worked up and tempted. So I guess I just don't care as much now. Sure, oral sex and other partners would be nice, but it's also something I can live without. If I have to choose between the sex life that I want or my partner, I'm going to choose my partner. And while we might work out a compromise some day, I can also deal with it if we don't. Because this relationship is so much better than every other relationship I've had outside of the bedroom, and that's what's more important to me anyway. So we're kind of like best friends who occasionally have ok (but not great) sex. xp And that's ok with me.
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 3:34 pm
[ Make some rules!
If he wants to "get" oral, he needs to "give oral."
so try 69's and such...I mean, you're his future wife! Tell him you wanna be spoiled, and that ya'll should spend nights pleasing YOU.
Spice things up yourself. Like go a week or two without doing anything at all, and then randomly surprise him when he comes home in work by cooking naked or something. Get his attention, and make him so into you that it's more about you. Make it so he is completely focused, so there won't be any "losing it."
Shoooot, maybe some nights after not having sex a while, have phone sex and get him really into it. You can be in the bedroom, and he can be in the livingroom/guestbedroom and when he's really wanting it agree to give it to him.
I'm not the best with ideas, but just try different things. Maybe taking sexual breaks could get you both closer emotionally, and then help there to be more desire. ≈ᴷᴱᴺᴰᴿᴬ≈ A Summer With The Smith's (family roleplay)
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Posted: Thu Jun 18, 2009 6:09 pm
Oni no Tenshi It really boils down to how important your sex life is to your relationship. If it's at all important, lack of a good sex life WILL spill over into the other aspects of your relationship and it will eventually lead to issues that can lead to stuff like break up and cheating. I've been married to my husband over 3 years and we've been together for about 6-7 years total. We've had a lot of issues with our sex life because he has clinical depression problems and often loses his libido because of it. I, on the other hand, have an endocrine disorder that was only recently diagnosed, and due to an excess of testosterone in my body, I was a horny b***h all the time and wanted to have sex at least 2 times a day. Because of our mismatched sex drives (which were less mismatched when we had more free time and less life stressors like full time jobs and school), we often ended up getting into arguments and problems in our relationship. I even got to the point where I was sure he was cheating on me because he never had sex with me and obviously I thought that he was getting it elsewhere. I was begging him to tell me "the truth" because I was hoping that he would at least let me go get sex elsewhere as well because I was so tired of being ignored sexually. It sounds to me that you and your fiance both value sex but you're not doing a good job of giving and receiving. He's not willing to initiate, but you're not willing to talk to him about what you want. You will both need to make concessions and work things out; that's part of being in a good marriage or relationship, period. That means that you will have to get over being shy about asking for what you want, and he will have to get over his inability to engage in foreplay and pleasure you. It seems to me that you may benefit from seeing a sex therapist together, or at least have a nice long talk about what you both are willing to do to help fix some of your sexual incompatibility issues. I would have to say that the longer you ignore the problems, the worse it will get. It won't just magically fix itself; you will both have to work hard. But I will say that once my husband and I actually got to talking about our issues and I got on the proper medications to help with my endocrine problems, things improved IMMENSELY in all areas of our relationship. I agree. Lorien and her partner are a good example of what kind of compromise can be made if both partners are ok with not having a super active sex life, and with every couple I think it just boils down to personal preference. If there's a mismatch, you two need to talk it out and find a solution that works for the both of you, because if you don't talk about it then it's going to get worse.
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