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 Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 9:16 pm
leafblight is accually a character from one of my many stories lol he is a demon, trapped in human form by his brother for defying him, destined to be tormented by his brother, as is what demons do, as is what leafblight, refused to do
its set in japan, his human name is yoshi hakoumuru ototo-shukusatsu,
ha means leaf, shukusatsu means blight, koumuru means suffer, yoshi means well, ototo means little brother, he is refured to simply as haku though, it is set in modernday time japan, this is one of the many fights between haku and his brother (i have alot more writen down, pm if u want to read). btw this is like, when he's at school, he appears to be sleeping in class, this is all taking place inside his head
"I know what your doing, leave her out of this... your here to torture ME, remember?" Haku growls into the darkness, then continues to mutter his incantaion. at first, nothing answers, then, slowly, the shadows begin to take form infront of him, what appears to be a human lying on his back appears out of the growing shadows, then, slowly yet effortlessly rises on the balls of its feet, its arms dangle as if asleep. As the figure straitens infront of Haku, the head bobs forward from being bent backward, still appearing to be asleep. starlingly bright white eyes blink into existence on the face, they dance around in the shadowy face, then lock onto haku, the moment they do, a similarly disturbing white, toothy grin appears on the creatures face, "Aaaah! its been such a long time since we have talked, brother! I was beginning to wonder when you would call..." the figure whispers in a hissing, chimeing voice, "Do you grow bored, tormenting me with trivialities every day, that you will simply attack anyone around me now!?" Haku yells, taking a step forward, "You grow mad in your old age brother! We are permitted only to punish those with karma, that girl is an innocent! You will cause Hea" - the shadowy figure bursts out laughing before Haku finishes, further agrivating him, "I am, 'permitted...'" the shadow says, drawing out the last word in contenmpt, "To torture you, make you bleed, to do anything that makes you feel pain..." "The girl!-" "You love her..." "YOU-..." ".a.." ...? "H..ku..." "HAKU!" Haku jumps awake startled back in class, the teacher berading him while the others laugh, though he is not listening... he only hears the faint echo of hissing, chimeing laugher...
post whatever u guys think smile
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Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 9:52 pm
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Posted: Tue May 26, 2009 10:13 pm
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Posted: Wed May 27, 2009 10:51 am
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Posted: Thu May 28, 2009 6:31 am
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Posted: Fri May 29, 2009 12:44 am
First up, really hard to read without dialogue spacing. Grab a novel and check out the way they do line spacing when characters are talking. Helps distinguish it from the novel itself.
Also, try not to use the first adjectives that pop into your head. Grab a thesaurus and look for words that actually read the way you want the reader to feel.
Decide who you want to tell the story, and stick with it. If your protagonist is the narrator, tell it from their point of view. If you're using a 3rd person narrator, don't jump between dialogue constantly. It's very jarring. You may as well stick with 1st person if that's the case.
Can't really think of much more, other than watch your spelling, grammar and punctuation.
Nice story though. Not really what I'm looking for in my comic. This screams manga, whereas mines eclectic contemporary Western.
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