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 Posted: Sun May 17, 2009 7:18 pm
fer rizzo. I wanted to prove that I could write a better vampire story than Meyers could, and according to everybody who's read it, I have. So yeah! I wrote this for my creative writing class...I've been reading a lot of Anne Rice lately, and was in a pretty vampish mood, so I decided to write it and enter it in our short story contest. It's been getting a lot of good feedback so far, so I'll post it here. :3 Invited For Dinner
It’d been three hours. Three lousy, godforsaken hours wasted on waiting for somebody he knew wouldn’t show up in the first place. Time he could’ve spent doing something more worthwhile and productive, like replacing that back door that last week’s blizzard had busted and now wouldn’t open, no matter how much force he used.
It was too late for that now. Joel hissed as he stepped into the heavy snow that was falling, thick white flakes rapidly collecting atop his thick wool hat and the shoulders of his black winter coat. Heavy-duty hiking boots slid on the dark gray pavement before the male regained his purchase, cursing.
Almost immediately, Joel wished he’d never left the comfort of the dry, warm library. If Leah had actually shown up, he would’ve been able to go home before the storm had started. As a matter of fact, he would rather be trapped in his own home than a library full of people.
Normally, on a calm day, the walk home would only take twenty minutes, tops. On a night like this, he’d be lucky if he made it home within an hour. He was used to it, though, and he was more than well prepared. This kind of storm was a fact of life during the winter in these parts. If you lived here, you’d better get used to it or Mother Nature would go Natural Selection on your frostbitten a**.
Joel checked his watch, squinting through the frozen flakes of water that landed on his lashes and melted there. It’d only been five minutes since he’d started out. Ugh. The first ten minutes or so always seemed the longest as he acclimated himself to the cold.
A shiver shuddered through his body. He hadn’t expected it to be quite so cold out, and wasn’t wearing all the layers he should have been. At least walking would keep him relatively warm, right?
Although, he did wonder- rarely, if ever, were the streets this empty, even when it was snowing like this. The only time it was like this was when there was a huge storm on the way. He hadn’t heard of any storms coming, but the weather could be deceiving.
Joel glanced around quickly, muttering to himself in frustration. He would be beyond angry if he got caught in the storm, if there was in fact one on its way. He was so deep in his complaints that he didn’t notice the person whom had silently begun walking beside him, their paces matched.
“When’ll the weather people get it right, eh?”
Joel started out of his thoughts, stumbling. The stranger next to him caught his arm, steadying him.
"Thanks. I know, right? I mean, I’m used to the snow, and I love it here, but damn. Once it’s January, you never know when another storm is gonna hit.”
Joel glared at the clouded sky as he spoke, but he was also interested in the person beside him. He glanced over, and stopped in his tracks, staring.
She was beautiful. A Goddess, right here in this quaint little town. He was positive she wasn’t from the area.
“Whoa,” he muttered, unable to peel his eyes away.
She stopped as well, turning to face him. Was that a smile on her face?
“Name’s Favianne,” She introduced quickly, dark eyes capturing Joel’s.
“Joel,” he stuttered, barely able to think.
“Joel…” She murmured, a look that the frozen man couldn’t decipher on he face. “You have no idea how long it’s been since I’ve come across another living thing.”
He shuddered as he suddenly found her lips at his ear, a burning desire suddenly coursing through his veins.
The next thing Joel knew, he was sitting up carefully in a plush chair in a room he didn’t recognize. He was exhausted, more so than he had ever been. But on top of that, he was confused. How had he gotten there? He could’ve sworn he’d just been outside, headed home, and talking to some beautiful stranger…
“You’re awake.”
Joel jumped, shoving himself out of the chair to stand in a defensive position. His head whipped from side to side, hazel eyes wild with fear. Anxiety coursed through him, causing the rate up his heat to pick up, his breath hitching in his lungs.
“Where the hell am I?” He demanded; his voice choked and fearful in his throat.
“Why, don’t you remember?” The feminine voice asked, hurt draping over the bell-like sound.
Suddenly, slender arms had reached around him, holding him tightly from behind. The grip had forced the air from his lungs, but he was already frozen with a primal fear, and it seemed that for the moment his body had forgotten how to breathe.
What was going on? The cold arms around him were obviously not those of a male, but the grip was stronger than that of any human he’d ever met.
Gasping in a panicked breath, Joel began to struggle, twisting and turning in a failing attempt at escape. No longer did organized thoughts fill his mind, but the screaming clamor of wild fear.
The breath was knocked out of him once more as he found himself on the floor, his head hitting the cool wood with a ‘thud’. Joel winced, hissing at the pain that now rang throughout his head.
The assaulter chuckled, kicking Joel over. His fearful hazel eyes looked up at her (and it was indeed a female), examining the unnaturally strong female with the fearful eyes of a creature whom had fallen prey to its follower. Like any helpless and hopeless animal, he lay still, entirely ensnared by her beauty.
With a gasp, he realized that she was the girl from the streets. She’d done this! What the hell was she?
“How…What…Where…” He sputtered, unable to put together a sentence, hardly capable of getting the words past his lips.
He couldn’t stop the burning desire that raced through his body as he stared up at her. Fear and confusion were pushed back as his captor seemed to seduce him by simply being there, and he felt his pulse skyrocket as he took in the burgundy eyes; that pale, smooth skin; golden locks of hair that hung to her waist; her full lips, and her shapely, feminine body.
Then Joel saw the fangs.
Desire was forgotten as the returning fear pushed it away. Joel pushed himself back, away from the monster and clumsily attempting to stand. He fell back against a wall, an animalistic whimper escaping him.
“Get away from me! J-just let me leave! What the hell are you?”
He was trying to be brave, trying to tell himself that this was just a horrible nightmare; a dream gone wrong.
Except it was too real to be a dream.
What exactly did she want from him?
And why was she looking at him like she was hungry? Like she was starving?
“You smell so good…So…Delicious. Too good to let you get away.” She murmured, and unidentifiable glint in her eye as she advanced.
Joel began quivering as she crouched down before him, golden locks falling to frame her pale-skinned face, giving her a wild, predatory look. He pushed himself against the wall, wishing he could disappear, unable to look away from her eyes.
His shaking body stilled when a freezing hand traced the side of his face, the touch suddenly erasing his fears. It was like she held him spellbound. His mind screamed at him; telling him he had to run away. That screaming was muffled, though, as if that inner voice had been gagged by the desire that told his body to still.
The short-lived trance broke when he found this woman’s lips at his neck; her body pinning his down. The primal fear returned, instinct ruling his body as he began thrashing, struggling to get away.
She sunk her teeth into the tender flesh of his throat, slicing the jugular open in one swift movement.
Joel’s thrashing grew more frantic, hands scrambling to shove her away to no avail. He felt her pulling at him, pulling at the blood flowing through his veins. He could feel his heart trying harder and harder to keep the flow regulated. Suddenly, too weak to struggle any longer, he felt himself go limp as this monster continued to keep her mouth latched to his throat.
He knew he was as good as dead. His heart was too weak and his vision going dark. He was too weak to even move the slightest bit. Then, finally, Joel passed out.
Favianne pulled her mouth away from Joel’s throat, wiping her lips with the back of her hand. She chuckled, watching her meal as his heart finally gave out, ending his life. He should have known better than to talk to a complete stranger.
She lifted the corpse with ease, striding over to the large fireplace across the room, and tossed it into the flames, watching them lick at the body as it burned. Nobody would ever miss him or even realize he was gone.
Favianne dimmed the lights and left the borrowed home, headed to where she’d stored her coffin.
She’d let the owners find the remains. By then, she would be long gone.
Damn Gaia's lack of tabs!!
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 1:26 pm
like 3 things to say before I finally cave in and read that -
1. I don't like vampire stories
2. I think Ann Rice is overrated and she's only getting so much credit now because her stories are older and less mainstream.
3. Hating Twilight is the most retarded thing ever
ANYWAY basically I am doubting before I read it that it will be nearly as good as Twilight.
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 6:32 pm
LOL Pixie and I are complete opposites (I wonder how it even is possible for both of us to like HP xD)
Except I'd never write a vampire story either (at least I'm guessing Pixie wouldn't). >>
I just wanted to point out something, since it was the first thing that came to mind when I read the title and then that you liked Anne Rice:
Stephenie Meyer doesn't write anything erotic compared to Rice. biggrin
See: Pandora (from "New Tales of Vampires" series)
Servant of the Bones
Blackwood Farm (from "Vampire Chronicles" series...a bad book, IMO)
that series based on The Sleeping Beauty >>
probably: The Vampire Armand
Blood and Gold
Anyway, I've been reading Anne Rice since I was eleven (which might be TOO young xD). Which books has Lyzza read? o:
I just finished "Merrick" which should totally be made a movie, just because it's awesome even without Lestat (which I find incredible. It even made me like whiny Louis).
ON TO COMMENT YOUR SHORT STORY:Quote: you’d better get used to it or Mother Nature would go Natural Selection on your frostbitten a**. Quote: The assaulter chuckled, kicking Joel over. His fearful hazel eyes looked up at her (and it was indeed a female), examining the unnaturally strong female with the fearful eyes of a creature whom had fallen prey to its follower.
There might be redundancy several times through the story; at least, that's what it feels like when you use the same word twice, maybe you could use similar expressions or synonyms?
An example of that is: Quote: Desire was forgotten as the returning fear pushed it away. Joel pushed himself back, away from the monster and clumsily attempting to stand.
Augh, I guess I'm not clear enough, I'm sorry. Dx
I like how Joel doesn't survive. biggrin
And although it's just a short scene, it's a good example of what your style is like, and I like it. The thoughts flow off easily but it doesn't pass as a simple narration.
I guess that's all. o:
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Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 12:47 pm
bleh, I hate Meyers, I call her a porn-writer because honestly, who's reading Twilight the most? 12-14 year old girls. Do they REALLY need to hear about Bella's 'desires' and how she forces herself on Edward? and then in the 4th book where it gets a LITTLE mature for the intended audience? Rice's is more tasteful, or at least more in keeping with the story. People aren't kidding when they say Twilight is just Meyers' wet dream on paper.
I've read Blackwood Farm, Interview With the Vampire, and Memnoch the Devil. I should be getting a copy of The Vampire Lestat EVENTUALLY, and when I finish that it's off to the library for me. 'Cause I'm too poor to buy my own books and I'm only getting The Vampire Lestat cause it's a prize from my writing class.
for the first thing, I think that was a mis-type. I wrote it in a composition notebook first, and I have atrocious handwriting. That definitely doesn't read like it should- I usually avoid things like that. Thanks for pointing it out, though- I think part of it was because I was 'dumbing it down' a little because my classmates would be reading it and they're not quite on the same literary level as me.
I do get repetitive in my writing, though, which is a huge factor I took in hand when I began it. I've been working on making my writing less repetitive and a little more flow-y.
and Thank ya ma'am. biggrin My style is a huge part of what I'm proud of. I don't really aspire to be published, but I like having my own style, and my style is what keeps me writing.
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Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 2:52 pm
I've read Pandora, Servant of the Bones, Blackwood Farm, The Vampire Lestat, Queen of the Damned, and Merrick.
Servant of the Bones does not involve vampires at all, but it has a good end. I love Pandora, and when I was reading the Twilight series I couldn't help thinking all along that they were too similar.
And if you read The Vampire Lestat, you MUST read Queen of the Damned afterwards. The former book ends in a cliffhanger. biggrin The latter would have been a great way to end the Vampire Chronicles series without the need of another seven books (and for your own sake, I must tell you that the Queen of the Damned movie is terrible).
Merrick (you should recognize the name if you've read Blackwood Farm) is also awesome and a great read if you want to know whatever happened to Louis. Besides, David's narration has a bit of humor to it. My sister even let me read aloud for her, which she normally hates.
Blackwood Farm and Blood Canticle are unnecessary IMO, and I don't even have to read Blood Canticle to tell. biggrin
And You're welcome (on the writing comments). I'm sure if you practice or read more you can eventually get rid of repetition. biggrin
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Posted: Thu May 21, 2009 9:30 pm
Pixie Saylor Hating Twilight is the most retarded thing ever lol. no seriously.
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 2:06 am
It's good. Just don't compare it to Twilight.
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Posted: Fri May 22, 2009 11:20 am
TootsieFruity It's good. Just don't compare it to Twilight. why? It's a vampire story, Twilight is a 'vampire' (I call them sparklepires) story. Except I know how to write properly and not abuse grammar. smile
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Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 10:57 am
L Y Z Z A C I O U S` DB TootsieFruity It's good. Just don't compare it to Twilight. why? It's a vampire story, Twilight is a 'vampire' (I call them sparklepires) story. Except I know how to write properly and not abuse grammar. smile Why? because Twilight makes me cringe and laugh hard at the same time.
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Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 9:24 pm
 Well after staring at this ever since it was posted, I FINALLY read it. Yeah, it's basically like every single other vampire story ever. Even Twilight. When you get down to it, Vampires have turned into romanticized ******** who also double as succubi or incubi, as well as a metaphor for sex. Your story is no different from the rest, and is no different from Stephenaie Meyer. In fact, I almost want to say your story is a little worse than Stephanie's because her's at least has some originality (Horrible originality mind you, but at least getting out of a few molds). And "Going back to her coffin"? Come on. .... ...... Also stay away from contractions. Your first paragraph was just.... Maybe it's just my particular preference, but less or no contractions (or at least a limit of one contraction per sentence) make things seem a lot more smoother. Especially in a "romantic" setting. Which yours is. Basically. Take my comments with a huge heaping pile of salt because I really hate vampire stories in general.
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Posted: Sat May 23, 2009 11:42 pm
Mercain Pixie Saylor Hating Twilight is the most retarded thing ever lol. no seriously. ?
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 2:56 am
Pixie Saylor Mercain Pixie Saylor Hating Twilight is the most retarded thing ever lol. no seriously. ? I'm suggesting that thinking that Twilight is the end-all-be-all of good is laughable, in a very much so sorta way, so much that my gut hurts so much that I have to spam enter until it's kay then put in another line basically meaning nothing to not have to fool people into thinking I have white text in my post.
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 3:09 am
Mercain Pixie Saylor Mercain Pixie Saylor Hating Twilight is the most retarded thing ever lol. no seriously. ? I'm suggesting that thinking that Twilight is the end-all-be-all of good is laughable, in a very much so sorta way, so much that my gut hurts so much that I have to spam enter until it's kay then put in another line basically meaning nothing to not have to fool people into thinking I have white text in my post. uh. that's nice that you think all of that. but where did I say or imply or anything like that that I think twilight is the end-all-be-all of good?
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 3:19 am
Mostly the whole, "hating twilight is the most retarded thing ever," phrase. By saying it's the "most retarded thing ever", that means there is no more retarded you can be, and for that to be, wouldn't it HAVE to be the end-all-be-all of good? Impossible to be hated, unless there was something wrong with your head? Saying that or remotely anything like that while regarding Twilight is a pretty silly thing in my humble opinion.
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Posted: Sun May 24, 2009 3:48 am
um, no?
you are assuming because I said one extreme thing, my opinion is another extreme.
my opinion is that anyone smart enough to know that twilight isn't good should be smart enough to know why some people DO like it and that getting as huffy as them over it doesn't do much for proving you're more intelligent.
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![[Q]'s avatar](https://a1cdn.gaiaonline.com/dress-up/avatar/ava/23/15/1f06246f41523_flip.png?t=1465986572_6.00_11)