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 Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 10:47 am
After more than 2 years together, Richard and I got engaged on Thursday. I'm thrilled! We have a 14 month old, Aden, and one day I would like to have a second child.
But now, I have a dilemma. Do we start planning a wedding now, and do that as soon as we can? Or do we have a second child first and put off getting married?
Doing both at once is out of the question. I don't want to be pregnant when I get married, and I don't want to have just had a baby either. If I were to accidentally get pregnant when the wedding is being planned, I would go through with it... but I don't want to be pregnant on purpose during or right before my wedding.
If we get married first, I would like it to be next summer or fall. If that was the case, we could try for baby number two a couple of months after that, and Aden would be three years old when that baby comes. I wouldn't mind the two children being closer together, but three years apart is okay with me too. Richard, however, is opposed to that. He thinks he is too old to have children, and he is just 27. He has given me a deadline to get pregnant, saying he's getting a vasectomy in December. This is a problem, because I really want two children, and if he can't give me that just because he doesn't want it, I'm not sure I want to marry him. I would prefer to get married before having our second child; one reason for that is because we're bound to get money as wedding gifts, and money is important with a baby on the way!
If we were to get pregnant first, the wedding would have to be put off until probably 2011... and by that point, I think I would probably lose a lot of interest in even planning a wedding. The earliest I would want to get pregnant is in September, when Aden will be 18 months old -- any sooner than that would be too soon for me. Richard suggested getting pregnant and having a wedding a couple months after the baby comes, but I don't want to do that either. My body is just getting back to a body I like again, after 14 months of hating it... and I would love to have a good body when I get married. I don't want to just throw that all away to gain weight and get stretch marks again -- not right now.
I would love it if I could convince Richard that he is not too old for kids (since he's just 27), but he's really stubborn and that probably won't happen. So I don't know what to do.
PLEASE give me some advice here, ladies!
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Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 9:33 pm
Well, not to sound dumb here, but why can't you guys go ahead and get married through the justice of the peace so there's no pressure of weddings, plans, and babies? Why can't you just do the JoP and worry about a nice ceremony later down the line with kids involved? Cause you're going to spend money (and not really a good idea to expect getting money for weddings especially in this economy) no matter what.
As for the baby deadline, I think you two need to compromise and really talk that out. That's not really fair to either of you to have these set goals on either side. Instead of trying to convince him to your side, why not meet halfway?
then again, I was never one for a desire for a fancy wedding, I'm too frugal and nonromatic for that. We're planning a 10 year renewal that we feel is a big milestone for us with the kids involved and old enough for us to getaway.
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Posted: Tue May 12, 2009 9:59 pm
It sounds like having two kids is a deal breaker for you. Quote: This is a problem, because I really want two children, and if he can't give me that just because he doesn't want it, I'm not sure I want to marry him. Before any further talk of getting married, it sounds like you two have a lot of talking to do about this issue first. If you can't get what you want, or this remains unresolved with neither of you giving on your position, he may not be the right person for you. Better to find this out now then to get married, fight about it, and one or both of you end up being resentful and unhappy. If he doesn't want more kids, it's highly unlikely you can "talk him into it." And honestly, if it were you, wouldn't you resent someone who was trying to tell you how many kids to have? Telling you to have more when you're happy with what you have? Based on what you've written, if he gets what he wants and has a vasectomy before you get pregnant again, you'll be resentful of him and unhappy. Which, btw, I also understand and sympathize with. It's not fair to either of you to leave things as they are and to get married before this is resolved, one way or the other.
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Posted: Wed May 13, 2009 8:10 am
That's precisely why I'm not going ahead with picking out a wedding date or anything until the problem is resolved. I don't want to plan out my wedding and then realize that it's really not going to work.
Hopefully we're going to have a long talk about it this weekend, and we can come to a decision. Really the only reason I say I hope I can change his mind, is because so far, I have changed his mind on things. When we met, he didn't want any kids and he never wanted to get married. Ever. Sure, our son was an accident, but he's very happy it happened... and how he does want to get married. So I have faith that his mind is changeable. He may not think it is, but I think that deep down he is open to change.
Thanks for the advice, ladies. Any more opinions are greatly appreciated.
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Posted: Thu May 14, 2009 12:59 pm
I guess I missed that part about not having another one being a dealbreaker. eek
What kinda strikes me as a little off is that you say YOU have changed his mind on a lot of things, but what have you changed about yourself in regards to where he stands on things? That's wonderful he loves you and your son together, but at the same time, the old saying is you can only change yourself. I think, after re-reading, the marriage/wedding thing isn't important compared to this if it is something you'd leave him over.
I really recommend counseling on this if your relationship is potentially on the line for this. I know a ton of people balk and are totally against it, but I think it's extremely important to have an outside, unbiased professional to help and ask those tough questions that can't be avoided.
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 9:00 am
Iagree with luna and would definitely recommend pre-marital counseling before you make any decisions. A good counselor will guide you through questions you should be asking before marriage. Counseling sessions also give some time to give your relationship some undivided attention.
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 10:51 am
I think I will try to convince him to go for the conselling. I've brought it up several times before, but he says no, it's too expensive, or that he doesn't want to call our health coverage thing to see if it's at all covered.
About changing his mind, I'm not like... trying to change him, just to make that clear. It's just that when we met, he was anti-children and anti-marriage, and now he's for both things. I didn't intentionally change his mind, but he's said that because of me, he did change his mind. I, myself, have changed too, in my own way -- I can cook now, and I couldn't when we met, and I'm willing to clean house, which I hated doing up until fairly recently. We've both grown in positive ways.
Let me clarify: If, after a lot of talk about the second baby subject, he is still 100% against it, it would put a strain on our relationship. If we couldn't have another child for some reason, it would be totally different and I certainly wouldn't want to end the relationsihp because of that.
I have faith that he will change his mind, or at least realize that he is not too old to be a dad some more. Providing the long weekend doesn't cause too much arguing between us (fingers crossed) I plan on talking it through.
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 4:22 pm
But you are trying to change him, whether it's his stance on wanting to have more. Cleaning and cooking are hardly in the same ballpark as whether a second child is that important to keeping your relationship going and happy. I think you need to ask yourself as well what a second child will bring that you don't all ready have in your relationship as it is---happiness and love.
I just understand his point of view, been there done that. I'd be pretty hurt and think my spouse was being pretty buttheaded as I was if I thought "I can change his mind, just like I have before!" Sure, every couple changes throughout the course of a relationship. I am STILL trying to deal with the emotional changes and such with us having a third, I didn't want a third. It's something I don't like to talk about, but it is the truth. I am getting a tubal with or without his consent. I don't think he completely is on board with it, but we have talked it through and adoption, in the far far far far future, is something I may consider but not now.
I'll just stop there because I can't get over the changing of mind/person idea on something that is pretty important. I hope you two decide to get into counseling. Compromising and seeing past your own desires sometimes is hard without that outside help. Good luck!
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Posted: Sat May 16, 2009 9:10 am
I'm about 90% sure that he does, in fact, want a second child. The only issue is whether or not he's willing to wait until after the wedding.
I simply feel that a second child would complete our family. I have always wanted more than one child, and my mind is not going to be changed. He, however NEVER wanted ANY kids, and NEVER wanted to be married. He changed his mind on both ON HIS OWN, and I'm simply hoping he's open to changing his mind on this. I'm not TRYING to change him. I KNOW that's not a good basis for a marriage. It's not like I'm conspiring against him to MAKE him change.
Clearly I'm not getting my point across here.
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 8:27 am
Have you asked him why he doesn't want more children?
I mean you had one on accident and he discovered he likes being a father of ONE child, but having another child is a big deal. I didn't realize that until I actually had two of my own.
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Posted: Mon May 18, 2009 6:09 pm
He just thinks he's too old to have anymore. Not that he can't, just that he's physically too old. It's a stupid hang up he has on his age. He's 28, and I consider that still young.
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Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 7:34 am
I think when one says they do not want to change someone else, but then has the expectation the other will change, it contradicts the spoken message because the expectation is there. The fact that you've been candid about refusing to budge from your position at all while holding that expectation doesn't seem to be in the spirit of being in a partnership with someone else.
Anywho, just wanted to put that out there; I'm sorry that you feel like you're being misunderstood Chat, we can only go on what you're saying.
As for his age, you haven't told him you think the age thing is stupid, have you? I have two different thoughts on his age reason. 1) It *could* be a cop-out for something else that is the real reason. Or as I'm more likely to feel about it since this applies to me as well...2) He may have plans for later in life and he's looking at the long term. My husband and I both agreed that we wanted to be done having children by the time I was 30 so that by about age 50, we'd have our life back to be just ours and we could travel and enjoy retirement age without being tied down with children still in school or the first year or so of college.
(And from personal experience here, I have a lot less energy heading into 27 then I did at 20, 22, even 24. A lot of things changed for me after age 25 and while it seems like it would be too early to start feeling that way, I can sympathize because a lot of it has happened to me. I notice a lot of aches and pains I didn't have before, my body is changing on me, and I get tired a lot more easily then I used to. There is no way that I'd be wanting to have another baby even a year from now.)
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Posted: Wed May 20, 2009 12:34 pm
His reasons for not wanting kids beyond age 28 is mainly because he wants to retire at 50, or at least not have kids living at home. But, if our children are anything like us, I'm sure they will be -- and if they aren't living at home, I'm sure they'll need help financially. After all, we live in one of the most expensive parts of Canada... and it's certainly not easy living on your own. In fact, Richard and I are probably going to be renting ourselves for years to come. So yeah, I do think he should let go of his hang up on age. It's not a matter of how much energy he has, or anything -- it's purely because he thinks 50 is too old to still have your offspring around. I mean, hell, if it weren't for Aden, Richard would probably still be living at his parents house, and he's 27. The chances of him actually retiring when he's 50 are very slim, due to all the debt we have now, and are bound to have for a LONG time.
Anyway, I've given up on both marriage and a baby anytime soon, so thanks for everyone's advice.
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