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 Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 3:39 pm
One- Hi, I'm new =D My name's Bibi.
Two-I'm fifteen years old and for the past two years (ever since my first niece was born) I've really wanted my own children. But when I was fourteen I was uncertain about my sexual orientation, so I knew that if I was going to have children with a woman I'd have to go to a sperm bank-something I can't do right now. But I've realized I'm bisexual (but that's a whole other story XD). And I got my second boyfriend sometime ago (we have indeed broken up), and automatically my "Baby Want" returned. I started thinking about having sex with him (obviously unprotected) in the hopes of getting pregnant.
Bad, I know, seeing as how I'm a freshmen in High School.
Him and I are no longer together. No, I do not see him as the type I'd marry or raise a child with. In my mind at the time I didn't care.
I believe my biological clock and my nieces are the two reasons I'm feeling this way, along with my on-and-off depression. My depression has always been linked to my quest for affection (that's why it returns whenever a relationship ends). I told myself that I could give to / receive love from a child; thus curing my depression.
I've been a regular babysitter of my nieces (my sister and her two kids live with us still). Sometimes I get so frustrated and I used to think that meant I would be a bad mother; but all the mothers I know say they feel the same way sometimes. I'm pretty good with children and I love them a lot (obviously XD). I spend my time home (weekdays 3-9pm) babysitting. I'm used to children and how the operate (I say as if they were machines, but sometimes they act like it because every tantrum seems predictable O_o).
I've told my sister about my want for children and she told me that it's natural to feel this way but I need to wait. I've also gotten the same response from my wanna-be-mother friends.
My mother was less compassionate. She just said, "NOT IN HIGHSCHOOL GO DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK." > _ <
In the meantime I've done research on homeschooling possibilities. Mostly because the children at my school are so obnoxious (I'm openly ridiculed for my religion, sexual orientation, weight and everything and my teachers do nothing to shut the kids up). But whilst researching I realized this could be my future life if I drop out of formal public school because of my baby.
Everyday, whenever I'm with my nieces, whenever I see children, whenever I watch children's television with my nieces, and whenever I talk to mothers, I think about having a child. And I'm not exaggeratting-the though literally accurs daily. There isn't a day where the thought, "You should get pregnant =D" doesn't pop up.
What I ask from you guys is advice. Should I wait? Are you a young mother? How is your life and what do you suggest? Do other young women feel the same way I do or am I just a rare case? XD
=^ ^=
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Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 5:19 pm
Hi, Bibi. We see a lot of teens wanting babies around here. I'm going to say to you what I have said to many of them, and I am not going to sugarcoat it.
Of course you should wait. It's normal to like babies and even to want a baby. After all, our bodies want to reproduce and pass on our DNA, so they give us this desire for children. But you can't be too selfish if you want to be a good mother. And what you're suggesting right now, having a baby at 15 just so you have someone in your life to love and cuddle, is very selfish. You need to think about what's best for the baby, not just best for you. Babies need a lot, and right now, you don't really have much to offer a baby.
-Having a baby before getting a job and your own place is a gamble because it can be difficult to estimate what you will make and what your rent will be.
-And who will be paying the bills in the meantime? Children cost a lot of money. If you're living at home and having your mom pay your way, don't even think about getting pregnant. This would be your baby, not hers. So you cannot expect her to support you and your baby. Not only is it unfair, but you also don't even know if she has the extra money to do so in the first place. The basic rule of thumb here is if you can't support yourself and a baby (that includes rent, electricity, diapers, food, etc.), then you don't have the money for a baby.
-Do you have room for a baby? Sure, you could put a crib in your room for now, but the baby will be a child soon, and that child will then need his or her own bedroom.
-Who will be paying for the doctor visits? Do you have health insurance? And if so, do you have that health insurance because of your mother? If so, then you can't count on that. Insurance companies tend to drop kids from their parent's insurance when they turn 18 (or when they turn 21 if they go to college). So that means in just a few years you'd probably have no health insurance. Your child probably wouldn't have any either, and kids generally need a lot of doctor visits.
-Did you know that babies born to teen mothers are more likely to have health problems? And teens who have babies are more likely to drop out of school.
So here's what I'd recommend:
-Put your (future) baby before your own selfish desires.
-Wait until you can actually care for the baby on your own or with your partner.
-Learn the difference between a "desire" and a "good idea."
-Talk to a doctor about your depression.
-Find another outlet for your desire to love and be loved. A pet might help. Volunteer work might even help by making you feel needed and appreciated.
-Stay in school. Finish high school at the very least, but I'd recommend continuing on into college. College can help you learn and grow as a person. It can help you get better jobs, and it can help you make more money. You can even take child development classes so that you can learn about your baby's developing brain and what you can do to stimulate it.
-Save money. It would be ideal if you could get a few thousand saved up before having a baby. Since you're sure you're going to want a child at some point, feel free to start saving now. Every little bit can help, especially if you put it in the bank to collect interest!
-Try to get a job with good health insurance, maybe even maternity leave.
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Posted: Mon May 04, 2009 6:29 pm
I agree with Lorien. Taking care of a baby while in high school is hard. I barely graduated, and only then by the grace of my teachers. I had to settle for a lesser diploma at that, too.
Wait until you are completely on your own to really even think of a baby, plus all those other things she listed.
Until then, get a teddy bear. heart
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Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 1:47 pm
Thank you guys ^ ^
I am being forced to get a job this summer so saving money is no problem X3
I completely understand all that you guys told me. Thanks for the advice and support =]
<3
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Posted: Thu May 07, 2009 10:54 pm
Everyone else has already said what I would've said, so I won't repeat them.
And you know, even being an adult doesn't automatically mean you're ready to take care of a baby. My boyfriend's twin sisters both just had babies at 23 - one is adequately prepared, but the other is borderline not able to pay her bills, and I suspect she might have to go on welfare if she and her boyfriend can't come up with money soon.
I have a now-27 year old friend who has been a single mom on welfare for her daughter's entire life (she's almost 2), and I'm sure she'd be the first to tell you how hard it is, especially when both parents aren't together. Nevermind the constant stressing about money and making ends meet, and making sure your child has all of its necessities.
I'm almost 23 and I've wanted kids since I was 19. I'm in a position to have kids, but my boyfriend and I don't have enough money set aside to have a family yet, and so we're waiting.
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Posted: Sun May 10, 2009 8:40 pm
Hi there OP. I just wanted to drop in and give you a perspective from someone who is about to have a baby.
I am currently 24 years old, and I have been married for almost 3 years to my wonderful husband. I have a steady job with full benefits and insurance, and even with all of that, I am still very worried about my ability to provide for this baby.
She's going to be born in early June and I've been blessed with a fairly uneventful pregnancy (except for developing gestational diabetes and being somewhat sore a lot). The big problem is that we currently live in a studio apartment and it costs quite a lot (970/ month) to live here. If we were to move to a larger place, it would cost up to 1500 bucks per month just for a one bedroom apartment! And if we wanted to move to a more "inexpensive" area, we'd be forced to either commute or find other jobs (which is financially unfeasible in this economy).
Even though both of us are college graduates and we both work full time, we're STILL having some fears about money and space in regards to taking care of our new baby, and this is with the utter and total support of my spouse (who, because I carry the insurance and am paid more per hour, will be going down to part time to watch the baby while I work full time simply because daycare costs are about 1200 per WEEK around here).
The truth of the matter is, when you watch babies and children as a babysitter, you still get to go home at the end of the day. You don't have to pay for the doctor bills, take off time when they are sick, and spend all the extra money driving them around and taking them places. Also, baby and child "stuff" is expensive, and it can be a huge decision to find someone worthy of watching your precious child.
When it comes down to it, I think to myself that even at this point in my life, when I have almost everything that most people would say you "need" to have a child, I still find myself being afraid of the future and wondering if I can truly handle parenthood, financial needs of my child and also still be a PERSON.
Even with my degree, my job, and my savings, I'm still worried that it won't be enough.
Perhaps things will work out and all of my fears will be for nothing, but just as a perspective from someone who is on the cusp of becoming a parent, I thought you might benefit from my story and hear how challenging it can be when you are not simply expected to take care of a baby, but you are that baby's entire WORLD.
Please feel free to chat with me if you have any other questions about babies or children. I can totally understand the "baby crazies" during your teen years, but I personally think that it's much better to simply deal with your feelings until you're more logically ready for the responsibility of a baby than to jump into it and only find out later on that it would have been better for both yourself and your baby to wait.
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