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Chang524
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Posted: Tue Apr 28, 2009 7:28 pm

(Inspired by boredom.)

1 TO liveth for a cause and to dieth for one, one must realize that neither art not thou similar to each other. To live for thy cause is to believe firmly but when the boots of oppressers hence forth come unto thy door, thy choose to not rise arms against them but watcheth thy ESPN Sportscenter.

2 Though thy art not truly what is known by the Sons of Man as a 'b***h-a** pansy' and thy shalt not be dealt blame for thou surely would not miss thine Texans hold the Chiefs by six points, the given number of points for a single touchdown, no more, no less. But thou art not of similar virtue as thine whom layeth thine lives and thine internet times to combat the forces of not good-ness, known to the Sons of Man as the Ungood Folk, Bad Guys, Not Good People Things, and half of the Republican Party.

3 These who fight for the just causes that are so rightly just they must be known as just due to their just justy-ness... Just... Art to be known as soldiers of Barton, forever on known as land of the brave and courageous.

4 To be known as such soldiers of such land described as such such that thy art to be known of such soldiers, the knowledge of the 10 Commandments of Civilized War Winning, ascribed by the great scholars New York Times and Washington post as 'It sure is a book' and 'You're going to Hell just for reading this' must be known.

5 Commanded by cause, I speaketh unto thee the most true of warfighting fighting ways... of War. Instruct unto thee I will the sacred... The sacred ways... Screw it, enough trying to emulate the Bible's way of speaking; I can already feel myself burning in Hell.

6 Then again, it wouldn't be much of a Bible Parody...

7 So let's listen to me as I speak unto... ye... People folks... These are the ways in which thee must follow to be successful in war, so says I, prophet of Barton, land on highness... That didn't come out right, did it? Screw it.

8 These are the Commandments of Civilized Uncivilized Winning of Wars... Yes I did change the title, so what? What you gonna do about it? Huh? Punk? Huh? Yeah... That's what I though, b***h.

9 Firstly, thou shalt not shoot thy comrades during combat or otherwise. Tis in bad taste to openly fire upon a comrade, no matter how annoying they are. Best it be to save thine ammunition for which to smite the enemy... And Hammi.

10 Secondly, when throwing a grenade, all of whom by being place onto this Earth are to be considered Holy for they create things that soon to be Holy... Or Stubby, with which to smite thee foes into smited oblivion, follow these steps directly to avoid blowing thine self up with thine comrades.

11 To use thine Holy Grenade, take out the Holy Pin, then shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shall be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shall be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out. Once the number three, being the third number, be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade towards thy foe, who being naughty in thine sight, shall snuff it.

12 Returning to the Commandments of Slightly Plagiarized Warfighting and Warwinning, ignore thy will of the yet again changing of the Commandments' name and proceeded onto the third of Commandments, indicated by its starting with 'Thirdly'.

13 Thirdly, when in doubt, call in an airstrike

14 Fourthly, do not mention or think of anyway that may be communicated verbally the memory of someone home that thy miss. Though thy surely miss them, there is proof enough in all war movies that it is never a good idea. Thusly, it is a death wish.

15 Fifthly, if having spoken to a comrade who expresses longing for someone, shooteth him immediately. Thy shalt save thy platoon from an ambush by enemy forces that would have killed him anyways.

16 What is this, the sixth one, right? Yes, right, ahem... Sixthly, duck. Saveth thee it will from the pain caused by being struck by the heretical bullets of thine enemy as well as saveth thee from the Purgatory of Doc's operating room, home of the damned and the damn-well dead.

17 Seventhly, make sure thy map isn't upside down before embarking on patrol.

18 Eightly, and yes that is a word Me damnit, just because it is war doesn't mean that the rules of the road do not apply. Alloweth friendly units the right of way at intersections and stayeth two car lengths behind a tank. Nobody wants to scrapeth thy a** from the sides of the road.

19 Ninthly, ignore the Eigth Commandment, that is, that which be the Commandment prior to this which precedes the Commandment which is Seventh, if thy driveth the Holy El Ranchero.

20 And tenthly, this being the Commandment that is tenth and being the Commandment the one after the one that is ninth, thou shalt fire at Hammi at least five times a day. Four is too little and three is heretical. Any more than five is welcome and commendable in the Eyes of Thy Lord.