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 Posted: Wed Nov 02, 2005 3:32 am
This journal is for Antidia's use only. Fellow Pae'il owners, and people with explicit permission may post. Dropping off of gifts is also allowed. Please contact Antidia if you would like to be able to post here.
:[ Name ]:
Momoiro
:[ Gender ]:
Male
:[ Generation ]:
First
:[ Owner ]:
Antidia
:[ Personality ]:
Sassy, brash and full of himself.
:[ Likes ]:
Boys, himself, and drama.
:[ Dislikes ]:
Close-minded pae and anything more beautiful than him, which is very few things, fae pae.
:[ Current Abilities ]:
Creates ice and can freeze things
:[ Associated Element(s) ]:
Ice
:[ Weapons ]:
none
:[ Name ]:
Drucilla
:[ Gender ]:
Female
:[ Generation ]:
Second
:[ Owner ]:
Antidia
:[ Personality ]:
:[ Likes ]:
:[ Dislikes ]:
:[ Current Abilities ]:
Fire Sheild + Feedback
:[ Associated Element(s) ]:
:[ Weapons ]:
:[ Mo's Previous Journal ]:  
Pae'il (c) Antidia
Created by - Tiaphanu
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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:32 am
Momoiro = Pink
Momoiro, or Mo as he is called by those that know him, is a rather unique pae. He's got a rather arrogant attitude towards most things. He was raised by Faerie Pae'il, and moved out the day he became an adult. Its still unknown to this day why he harbors such a hatred for his family.
He moved in with his friend, Letha, into the Healing House. He likes the 'lap of luxury' style of life there.
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Posted: Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:33 am
Momoiro :: Family & Friends Mother :: DrizeldaFather :: ValeSister :: JoiMy GOOD familyLetha :: My BFF. Sassiest b***h I know. And I say that the utmost respect and love for her. *kisses babe* Ugh... what was I thinking. I should have known better. I will have lived a happy life if I just never have to see this wench again.So s**t happens ... I think Letha and I "Made up" Victor :: I'm still up in the air on him ... He's hella good in the sack, tho. I might like him more than I admit, but holy hell Batman is he fuggen' scary sometimes.Morena :: ugh .... she's a fae ... but she's LETHA'S fae ... I have to like her for that reason only. Damn Letha needs to get better taste Screw em ... I will not say anything about her at this moment. I'm going to wait till Letha talks to her.. Alturius :: My son. I haven't met him yet. So I can't really say much else. Grendell :: My daughter. I haven't met her yet either. Drucilla :: My baby! Drucilla was the child I chose to raise. I wanted her to not be influenced by her diva mother's, because I did not want a letha or morena clone. I wanted an individual, free-thinker. I think I did well. She's so talented! and so smart!
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 2:49 am
Momoiro :: Enemies
ALL FAE!!!!
except Morena. Letha won't let me add her to this list.
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 2:53 am
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 3:02 am
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Posted: Tue Nov 29, 2005 3:57 am
Guardians, I hate the Fae Pae. Why oh why are they on this isle? Thankfully they're rare.
So, I just started writing in this damn thing my adoptive muther bought for me when I was merely a bodyless babe. Meh, I'll use it anyway.
To catch myself up to speed, I live at the Fallsion house of healing with Letha. Its great here. The little faeries are like servants. Great place to party, too.
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Posted: Wed Dec 28, 2005 6:17 am
I've been staying at the HQ with Victor. I still do NOT want to see Letha. Yeah, its petty to hold a grudge but who fuggen cares anyway.... she's got her damn fae to occupy her time. She's probably not even given me a second thought. BAH!
Now that the new caretaker is here, the HQ is pretty well stocked. I just have to get most things myself. Damn I miss the servants, but its better than having to be around Letha and Morena.
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Posted: Wed Jan 18, 2006 7:53 pm
Lots of things lately. Not sure I want to write them down. Leaves evidence of things I don't wish to acknowledge.
I have been spending hours on end in my ... 'thinking place' ... don't know what else to call it really. Maybe I should starting bringing my journal ... naw, don't need to reminisce about s**t I'm trying to forget.
Where are all the good men pae? They are so ... straight. Disgusting really. Maybe they just don't know any better. I should tease them. haha
Been thinking a lot about Victor ... Not sure I'm ready to be tied down to one pae anymore. They all abandon me anyway. No sense in attaching myself to anyone as it just sets me up for future heartache. example: THAT b***h LETHA .... grrrrr I shall try to never scribe that name nor speak that cursed sound again.
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Posted: Fri Jan 20, 2006 3:56 am
I told Victor about my thinking spot. I even offered to show him where it is. What is wrong with me? Why do I cave to that pae?
I am wondering about him tho... things don't make sense. He was so ... vulnerable yesterday. He ... cried. I've never seen Vic cry... he never seemed like the type.
He thought I didn't love him. I ... do ... tho. Its hard to admit, but I do. But by the same token, I have this weird feeling inside, a weird hole like empty feeling of being ... unfulfilled. Isn't being in love supposed to fill that? Am I just not meant to be monogamous? Victor's confessed his undying love to me, you'd think I would be elated or something ... finding a hot young stud like that ... that is devoted to ME ... but yet ... here I am, wanting more. What the hell is wrong with me.
I promised Dad I would visit more often, spend time with my little sister. I haven't been back there since I made that promise. I just can't face my family anymore. Especially after what that ... caretaker lady thing ... told me.
Sometime today, Vic and I gonna look for a more permanant residence. I'm actually looking forward to that...having a house of my own...even sharing it with Vic. I guess its a good sign that this makes me happy to some extent.
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Posted: Mon Jan 30, 2006 5:32 am
After the other day, I think things are starting to finally calm down for me. I mean, I'm trying to open myself up enough to allow myself to feel for Victor what I know I feel. I just ... I just don't know if I am ready to be tied down, but the more I open up to Victor, the happier I am. I'm going to go against what my head is saying and follow my heart. I will allow myself to be loved, and to love in return. It really does make each day more bearable to live that way. I've not needed to escape to my thinking spot for a few days either.
Victor went to visit his mothers yesterday. Apparently, one of them is not happy about me. Oh well... she'll get over it, I hope.
Victor started lecturing me today about how I need to go see my family, too. I don't need to. They're happy without me. I go and peek at them once a day. I'm not really sure what's going on, but ... they seem happy. Tho my little sister's been crying a lot. I wonder what that's about...
Today, Victor and I chose a location for our house. Its the best spot on the isle I think. Secluded, on the beach and everything. Victor's been eager to build it, so I think I will let him. I am allergic to menial labor. I just know it. Holy hell, Batman, Victor's hot when he's all sweating and working and hefting the shovel or ax. Growl!
Perhaps I will swing by my folks' house after I have my own ... tell them news or something. Give me a reason to see them at least.
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 4:19 am
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 4:21 am
Antidia Poking along in his normal lazy gait, Mo hummed slightly to himself. Things were definately starting to look up for him. He was in good with his family once more, albeit still utterly jealous that he's not a fae by birth, but he was dealing. He'd mourned the death of his friendship with one certain pae that he still refused to think of by name, and moved on. That had proven to be the best thing for him, as it helped him to focus on what was more important in life. Everything else.
Failing to see Letha at first, the moment Mo stepped foot on the beach, he spotted Victor and pulled his bottom lip in between teeth. He was definately going to try to have Viccy build houses more often. However, the thought QUICKLY vanished when his eyes caught a glimpse of the treacherous serpant nearby HIS man. Torvil Rakamash Victor looked up and smiled at Mo. "Your friend is here..." He chuckled and pocketing his Kunai, walking over towards his lover. "Oh Mo dearest, this snake decided to pop out of the forest earlier today, she says she's here to see you... and talk..." He shook his head. "Would you like me to dispose of her?"Letha jumped to her feet. "Mo... please... I... I need to talk to you..." She looked at her feet, slouching a bit. She was definatly not the Letha Mo once knew. Antidia Mo looked between Victor and Letha for a moment, then shook his head out of pure disgust. One thing, if any, that damned fae said that stuck in his mind ... was when she called him a coward. It had left a lot for him to think about, and was one of the issues he'd brood over while sitting up in his tree in Dragnid.
He had no love left for the light-green pae standing before him. At least, that's what he'd tried convincing himself in order to move on. Assuming a rather aggitated stance, crossing his arms in front of him and looking down at his former friend, Mo snuffed. "And what do you want?" His anger, the very anger he'd sealed off in a tiny spot inside, was seeping out in his voice. Torvil Rakamash Letha recoiled from the anger visably, starting to shake again, her head dropping till it stared at her feet. No, she deserved his anger, she'd betrayed and hurt him, she deserved every ounce of this. "Mo... I... I betrayed you, I hurt you, I stabbed you in the back... I can never hope for you to forgive me, but I came to... ask... No... I came to beg... beg forgiveness for my sins against you..." She slowly looked up tears in her eyes. "You were my best friend Mo, and I was a stupid b***h and I pushed you away..." She looked away. "Morena... pushed you away..." She shook more. "And now she's gone and left... and I have no-one..." She sniffled and looked back to Mo, her tears genunie for once in her life. "I miss you Mo... I want you back in my life... If you'll take me..."Victor watched Letha warrily, not buying it for a second. His hand hovered around his Kunai pouch... One word from Mo would be all it would take, and Letha would be only a thought best left long forgotten. Antidia Mo knew Letha very well. He trusted her about as far as he could throw the whole floating island. At one time in his life, she was the ONLY pae'il alive he could trust, but she shattered that. He didn't know what to say or how to respond to her right now. He knew she knew how to cry on cue, so he didn't buy the tears either. "Letha..." Saying that name outloud again, after so many months of harboured hate, it ... burned in the back of his throught. "What do you really want?"
A tiny part of him still had a soft spot for her, but he wouldn't give in to it. Not yet.(( Hihi Eirnae! Casala is a cutie! And thank you so much for the beautiful carnation!! Its so pretty! biggrin heart )) Torvil Rakamash Letha slowly wiped her eyes, still crying and definatly not on cue. "What I said... Mo... I... I came because I want to be forgiven for what I did, even though I know I shouldn't ask for it... So I'm begging for it, even though I don't deserve it..." She stood there, open and hurting, mere inches from falling on her knees and begging Mo to forgive her and whilst sobbing, barely managing to hold it together. She didn't deserve his trust, she was a snake...
"Mo... I... I'm sorry... You're the only sister I've ever had, you have to believe that..." She sniffled more looking down again, unable to face Mo's eyes anymore. "I hurt you, I betrayed you..." She cried, tears staining the dirt at her feet.Victor just watched, hand still near his kunai, just waiting... Antidia Mo tried really, really hard to keep that hard outer shell in tact with this woman. He'd long said goodbye to the Letha he once knew. But ... she still did have a rather tight grip on that one spot inside of him that would always care for her. He still didn't believe her tears or act, but would hear her out anyway.
He looked to Victor. Giving him a 'its alright' kind of look. Reaching out to take his love's hand, he pulled Victor close to him. "I'll talk with her, it shouldn't take long." he whispered into his ear, still glancing sideways at the defeated Letha.(( *hugs back* I love it. 3nodding thank you.)) Torvil Rakamash Victor nodded slowly relaxing, he kissed Mo softly and whipsered. "A viper's sting comes when you least expect it...Be on your guard my love..." he murmured kissing Mo again and smiling. He relaxed and slowly pulled away. "And remeber..." he said loud enough for Letha to hear. "A Viper is easiest killed after it's bitten..."Letha sniffled and cringed away from Victor, slowly sinking to her knees and crying keeping her face cast down at the dirt. She was totally defeated now, having come to face the hardest trial in her life... Antidia Mo smiled and nodded, "Thanks Viccy-love." He would rather Victor kept an eye on them, but he didn't think Letha would actually physically hurt him, so he skipped the request. That wasn't really her style. But he also wanted alone time with Letha, maybe they'd sort things out, maybe not. But burying the hatchet might be a good thing. Allow him to truly move on.
"Letha, walk with me." He murmured, the anger in his voice was no longer present. He would hear her out first, then decide if she was putting on an act. He started to walk down the beach a little, heading for the path that lead through the forest. Torvil Rakamash Victor took a step back, and nodded heading into the house to make sure that last minute fix ups and finishes were done for when Mo got back, wanting to make sure EVERYTHING was perfect for his lover's return.Letha shakily stood and quickly moved after Mo, walking a little behind him and starting up again. "Mo... Momoiro... I'm sorry... I really am sorry for what I did... I betrayed you... You were and are my best friend... I could tell you everything..." She wiped her eyes. "So I will... I'll tell you everything... After you left... Morena got... clingy... possesive... I tried to change myself but I couldn't Mo... I couldn't! Then she started to get all depressed and pissy and I couldn't take it... So I shot my mouth off at her... And she stormed off... I haven't returned to our house since... We built one over by dragnid, near the beach there..." She sighed and shook her head. "But it's not the same Mo... I miss you... I miss being able to make catcalls at anything with two legs that walks past..." She sighed. "I... I do care for Morena, I won't lie about that... but... I don't... WANT to be held down..." She sighed and wiped her eyes again. "I wish... I wish you and I could be friends again, and everything go back to the way it was..." Guardian_Iris In the time that Polgara has taken to get this far in her quest, and during the same time as the Pae'il is thinking about the counter incantation and how to break the incantation the Fae Narcissa has returned to the Fae Clearing in the Loka Nei Forest.
In her hand the self-same gem Polgara had traded her for the mirror for. There was one difference in the Fae's temperament... She was absolutely LIVID
"WHERE IS SHE?!?" she bellows her voice reverberating off the forest surrounding her... Narcissa holds the gem in both hands above her. She raises into the air some closing her eyes and speaking in the Fae language she begins an incantation. Three beams of light come from the sky above and hit the gem and then reflect out in three separate directions soon returning to the gem and bringing with it the shrunken figures of Kaelin, Syannia and Victor. The 3 are unconscious, and sealed within the gem.
"Serves you right" Narcissa nods resolutely "I said something of beauty near equal to mine, you want to give me fake, I will take what is most precious to you!" And with that the Fae disappears back into her realm Antidia Mo just laughed and shook his head. Guardians did this crap sound familar. He rolled his eyes and walked still, heading into the forest. "Its like hearing a friggen broken record." he muttered under his breath. He didn't know where to start with talking to her and apparently she got everything out in one breath, so he had to think about what all she said.
Coming to a log in a seemingly isolated area, at least he hoped, he sat down. He didn't feel like walking with her whining behind him for miles, so he thought alone time here would work. He patted the spot beside him so she could sit too. Torvil Rakamash Letha sat down next to him and closed her eyes, trying to calm herself down... She'd been listening to herself talk and it was pathetic... what would her parent's think hearing her speak like that... She knew what her MOTHER would say to it, and that made her try to toughen up a bit... She knew her father would coddle her... but then... The man had always been wrapped around her fingers no matter what... After all she would always be daddy's lil girl... She looked at Mo, trying to calm herself down more, not daring to speak till he decided to. Antidia Mo sat hunched over with his hands together. He stared at the ground for a bit, letting Letha catch her breath before he spoke too. "So now that things suck with you and your fae, you want things back to how they were before?" He asked, wanting to clear up the jumble from Letha's apology. "That's not how things work Letha."((sorry about that, trying to write something else up. xp )) Torvil Rakamash Letha sighed. "No, Mo... That's not it..." She sighed and let her head drop into her hands, resting her elbows on her knees. "I... I want to be friends with you again... I realized a long time ago that I betrayed you... Morena just got in the way..." She sighed heavier, a conveint excuse, and one she should not have used... "There is no excuse for what I did, my actions were stupid..." She rubbed her temples. "Nor is there any excuse for me taking this long to come and apologize to you Mo..." she bit her lip. "Mo, you were like the sister I never had, I could talk to you about anything I wanted and I could trust you to give me good advice... That is something Morena never could, she was like a thrall to me... a Slave to me..." She sighed. "She could never be my friend, only my lover..." She huffed and stared at the ground. "I know things can't go back to the way they used to be, I know I don't deserve any simpathy or forgiveness. Nor do I deserve a second chance. I hurt you Mo, you have perfect right to hurt me back..." She looked at him and she sighed. "You have all rights to tell me to get the f--k out of your life..." Antidia Mo sighed and looked upwards, seeing just specks of the sky between the trees. "I knew that fae was trouble." he grumbled. He just had to get that out first, tho, he wasn't going to focus on Morena, she wasn't the problem. The problem was deeper than anything Morena could do.
"Why did you take so long?" He was afraid he knew why, but he wanted to hear her excuse anyway. All the hurt he felt months ago was surfacing again, it wasn't something he was entirely comfortable with right now, because he had just finally started becoming happy again.
"Letha, you were the only Pae in the world I trusted fully. I ... gave everything to you. I put my self in your hands... but ... that meant nothing to you as long as you got your piece of fae a**. You threw me away." He felt the tears building up and closed his eyes tight to keep them from coming. He'd promised himself to not cry over this anymore. Torvil Rakamash Letha sighed. "I was too busy getting laid..." She sighed and rested her head into her hands. "It was stupid, it was so very stupid..." She let some tears fall. "You were the one person I could go to for everything, anything, and I knew you would steer me right... And I threw that away because I found a hot lay..." She sighed. "I'm such a stupid b***h..." Antidia "Yes you are."
"I know getting laid is 'what its all about' ... but you took it a step further, crossed a line I thought we agreed to never cross. I stayed loyal to you, to us, got the s**t beat out of me AND nearly lost Victor.... " He sighed. He shouldn't be telling her any of this. He didn't know her motives yet and giving her ammo to use against him again was not a good idea.
He looked up, turned to look straight at her, wanting to look directly in her eyes, wanting her to know how serious he was with what he was about to tell her. "You meant the world to me. More than a sister, more than a friend .... even more than a lover." He took a deep breath. Hardly believe he was going to be saying the one thing he swore to the Guardians he'd never admit as long as his soul roamed this plane. Maybe because it didn't matter now, so he said it. "I loved you Letha." Torvil Rakamash Letha met his eyes, tears welling up in her own. She felt her heart break in too. She bit her lip and the tears started to flow... AGAIN. "Mo..." She murmured, her voice shaken to the core, no acting could EVER touch this level of pain. "Mo, I loved you too..." She said weakly, reaching out to touch him, but stopping, her hand inches from his face. She stopped, How could she think of touching him? Of touching the person who loved her, who she had loved... She looked away from him slowly. "I loved you, and I did this to you, I am the worst person on this isle ever..." She sniffled and shook her head. "Mo... I still love you..." She looked at him. "You may not believe me... but I do..." She said, reaching out to touch his face again, but again, stopping, unable to finish. She... couldn't... touch him... Antidia Mo sighed. She was in love with Morena. She was merely feeding him pity at his own confession. If she was serious, which he would actually put money on that she was, the love she spoke of ... was that of the friendship variety. But thinking about that made him start to think. Perhaps the love HE felt was the same? Because he certainly felt different for Victor than he EVER had for Letha ... But ... he was certain he had been in love with her. Boy pae have to love girl pae, its what he read in all the books, what he's seen everywhere. He'd actually convinced himself at one time, Letha was his 'one and only love' and that they were perfect for each other because they accepted each other's choices to be with others even.
Letha coming back and all this was screwing with his mind again. He didn't know what to do ... so he did the one thing he'd wanted to. He reached out and wrapped his arms around Letha, pulling her into a tight hug. Torvil Rakamash Letha was in shock for a moment, but that was as long as it lasted. She quickly wrapped her arms around him and held on tightly. She loved Mo... in many different ways... She loved him as a friend, but she loved him as a man also. It was complicated. She knew that she loved Morena in much the same way she loved Mo... but Morena was different, she wondered what thoughts ran through his head as she held onto him, the hot tears starting to flow again. "I love you Mo..." she murmured her fingers softly working into whatever bits of flesh he could find. Antidia Without thinking, moving on autopilot even, with his eyes closed, Mo brushed his cheek against Letha's, continuing the slow turn of his head until his lips met hers.
A kiss can tell you many things about a person. Mo knew this would the tell he needed to be able to move on.
He prayed to the Guardians Victor hadn't followed them. Torvil Rakamash Letha leaned into the kiss a bit, her own eyes closed, she felt herself begin to give into this man, but she knew, deep in her heart, that she could not have him totatlly, and she knew her kiss said that as well... Mo had a part of her heart, that was true... But Morena as well... She too held a part of her heart...
That was the special thing about Letha's heart, it was easily partritioned and easily shared. She did not mind giving herself to anyone who would show her the proper affection and love, it was her nature, she loved pleasure and she loved the feeling of another person sharing these sorts of things with her... Mo was male, and that made no difference to her. She was willing to share herself with anyone who was willing to share with her. Antidia Mo felt everything he knew he would, kissing her. That only complicated things even more. He loved Letha very much, and having her in his arms right this minute was something he'd never thought he'd ever experience. Especially not since she'd broken his heart so badly. And as happy as this made him, it also made him sad. He had devoted himself to Victor. He loved that man more than anything. But it was hard to deny how much he loved Letha too.
Slowly, he opened his eyes and pulled away from her, letting her go. Now he REALLY didn't know what to say. He just looked at her, waiting, hoping she would know.
He prayed he just not just screw things up worse. Torvil Rakamash Letha's head swum with many different thoughts and passions. She was herself torn between the man and women she loved, and she knew right then she would never be able to chose. She reached up and touched Mo's cheek smiling. "Mo, I love you..." She said with a gentle sigh. "But... right now, we cannot be..." She could feel tears welling up and she bit her lip. "I want to be with you, but I am devoted to Morena... I had hoped to reconcile ourselves tonight, I feel we've done that and more..." She shook a little her fingers gently brushing along his cheek as she felt the tears spill. "You should go to Victor... Tell him... tell him your feelings about me..." She looked down. "I need to talk to Morena, see if we can work out OUR differences..." She murmured and slowly stood, leaning down and kissing him again, she slowly took a step back. "I will... come to see you again, when I have talked with Morena..." She said softly. "I think... the four of us have much to discuss..." She slowly took another step back. Her tears falling faster. She couldn't bear it... She ran to him again, tackling him, giving him many quick and loving kisses and then pulling away again, giving him one more, and then standing up and offering him a hand she said softly. "Would you care to walk me to the beach so that I may go home?" Antidia So that was NOT what Mo had quite expected from Letha. Yeah the stuff about them not being able to be together he expected, he hoped for, but at the same time not. Tis very complicated. That the kissing to follow. NOT what he was expecting at all. He enjoyed each and every one of them very much, and for the first time in his life, he felt very ... manly. It was exhilirating to say the least. Is this how Victor always felt? He as eager actually to find out now.
He smiled and took her hand. "I'd love to." and he pulled her close, giving her a very warm embrace, and a soft kiss of his own. Still holding her hand, started back towards the beach. Torvil Rakamash Letha sighed contently, and snuggled into Mo, closing her eyes she rested her head on his shoulder as they walked. Wow... So this is what it felt like to be a real girl for once. She had to bite back a giggle. She couldn't say it was bad... not at all... She smiled and sighed happily, then opened her eyes, looking up at Mo. "Thanks..." She murmured. Antidia Mo half expected to see Victor waiting for him, but he was no where in sight. He glanced over his shoulder slightly wondering where he would have been. He got slightly worried actually. But then, maybe he was just inside.
"Good luck with Morena, Letha. Let me know how it goes." He smiled and turned to her, hugging her once more. "I'm sorry for how I behaved towards you and Morena." he whispered into her ear. He kissed her cheek and let go, so she could leave.((Eirnae, Ala said she has to pause.)) EvilSilverDragon Morena swong her legs as she sat on that stump deep in the Dragnid forest. She was tired, dead tired, but wasn't ready to test if she could hold her power in her sleep. She just waited, sneezing a few times and wondering if anyone was thinking about her. 'Not likely'ooc: *dashes her way off to school* Torvil Rakamash Letha smlied a warm smile to Mo and gave him a kiss, and a banger of a one two... Let Victor see... It would expiedate the explination process a bit... She giggled and pulled back. "Thank you for the apology Mo, but it's okay, you were hurting..." She murmured and took his hands, sighing a little. "I'll see you soon okay? Love you!" She kissed him again and let go of his hands, taking to the air. She blew him another kiss and fluttered off towards home, not knowing that Morena would not be waiting for her there. But then... Letha knew her way through dragnid...
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Posted: Tue Feb 07, 2006 4:23 am
So I bit the bullet and swung by the folk's house. Seen a nice little greeting card moment of them all hugging on the porch swing and I was about to take off when I heard my dad say something weird. He had wished I was there .... Caught me off guard but I succombed to the desire to flee, and went to them. They weren't mad, just worried that I was ok. I shouldn't worry them I suppose, I mean, afterall ... they do still seem to love me... even after I was shitty to them.
I'm going to have another sibling soon as well. I'm not sure why that makes me happy. It will be a purebred fae ... I should slap myself.
Anyway... just had to note that before I forgot it. Now its time to get all philosophical. harhar...
I read alot being in the HQ, picking up the old habit from when Mom would take me there daily and read to me and my sister. I learned a lot actually.
But that's not what I wanted to write about ... bleh...
I've come to realize that we always can't be the person we expect ourselves to be. Seeing Letha today proved that to me as well. She'd been going through many of the same struggles I had been.
Sometimes in our lives, we allow others into our hearts, and we allow them to change us, even if we don't know it. I believed fully in my heart, Letha was my soul mate. I had read about the concept and in many of the books, it described them, and they usually described soul mates as a bond between a man and woman. So for many, many months, I was under the impression that as my duty, as a male Pae'il, I was to settle down with a female and procreate. As is written. But I struggled with that, because I am sexually attracted more to the male paes, then female. I feel more fulfilled with Victor. Okay, so I'm assuming that because I haven't technically been with a girl, but ... I like the way Victor makes me feel. He loves me, and I love him. We're a good match.
But in the back of my mind, I never seen myself actually 'settling' with Victor, no matter how hard I tried. I WANT to be with him, he's a fuggen stud for crying out loud. He's good to me too, with that one exception of the day after our first ... date. But in his defense, he was possessed. I AM IN LOVE WITH HIM. I know this to be true because of the feeling I feel deep inside when I say that sentence outloud. I love Victor. Mmmm...
Anyway. Today, my world became one mass of confusing color. Letha actually came to apologize to me. She ... groveled. Something I didn't think she even knew how to do. It was genuine, I seen it in her eyes.... when she'd look at me anyway. So I led her into the forest so we could talk. Vic was okay with it.
In our talking ... I confessed to her something I thought I never would in a million years. Even if we didn't have our falling out, I never planned on telling her. It was my secret, my burden to bear alone. But I told her, because ... I felt like I had nothing to lose, and nothing gain. It was just something that needed to be said.
I kissed her.
She kissed me back.
Many times.
She stired up those familar feelings I had for her so long ago. I couldn't hold a grudge, I just couldn't. I love that evil, sassy, coniving little b***h. I love her as much as I love Victor.
That is a problem. Pae can't be in love with 2 different pae of 2 different genders, can they? I'm gay. I know this. I accept this. Victor is my mate. Someday, my husband..... wow ... that weird to write... I may have to erase it >.> but ... not right now...
And not only that ... lets say in my perfect world I'm allowed to be in love with Letha AND Victor ... what about them? Letha has Morena to think about and ... Would Victor share.
Gah! I know I'm self-indulgent, lazy, and spoiled ... but even this is going overboard ... right?
For now, I have to talk to Victor, I can't lie to him and I can't hide anything from him. I don't want to. He's my life. And I need to see how things got with Letha and Morena.
At the worst, I think Morena will hate me more than she does, but at least Letha and I made up and will still be friends. Its very relieving to know that fence is mended. I lost a part of myself the day I mourned the death of our friendship. It feels good to have it back.
And the dirty little secret of the day? I should NOT admit this ... but ... kissing Letha ... made me feel more masculine than ever. I feel like ... punching stuff and spitting and scratching my crotch. Haha ... that was a joke I read. But seriously, it did make me feel something I've never felt before, a very manly feeling if... that's possible. I will need to talk to Vic about it. He's the manliest man I know.
Speaking of ... I wonder where he could be... I've searched our house for him, and the beach even and can't find him. He's not the type to just up and leave if he did see anything ... he'd have stabbed us instead. I had hoped on christening the new house with him, but it looks like I'm sleeping alone.... I hope you are alright Victor... I miss you, Love.
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Posted: Sat Feb 11, 2006 5:17 pm
mrgreen Reserved for: The Get-Together thoughts
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