Welcome to Gaia! ::

i'm back
which is good. i feel like typing it all out and maybe getting some feedback

but this place looks sad and all deadly

i'm gonna talk anyways.

WALL OF TEXT

my self esteem is all deflated. if anyone remembers me from like 18 months ago, i was full of self esteem. i feel off of gaia because my computer died. i was happy with me. i was losing weight, gained a boyfriend, graduated from high school and was with my friends a lot.

everything was nice until october. my boyfriend became a bit more aggressive, i guess. i also got pregnant. i don't know how. maybe an old condom was used or something. i wanted an abortion but i didn't have any money and was afraid of telling my boyfriend. at this point he didn't want me wearing make up, didn't want me showing cleavage (what cleavage), and for me to stop smoking

i didn't tell my friends about it until thanksgiving. didn't have any money until febuary. i also couldn't decide if an abortion was what i really wanted. eventually i thought it was best. but no health insurance ment it cost me nearly 2000. i had to borrow 700 collectively from my friends. i didn't tell my boyfriend either, who'd gotten more aggressive. i told him i had a miscarraige

once i told him that lie i knew that the relationship would be over soon. which hurt me because i knew it was my decision to tell him or not. i'd known him for almost two years at that point, and had been dating him for 7 months. i loved him

but i didn't think the emotional side effects of having a seceret abortion would effect me as it has. it'd probably be better if i had told him. i've grown really distant and a lot quieter. i was really emotional around him and grew paranoid that he was fooling around with other women.

after me not being entirely me since january, he grew weary. i knew it was happening but couldn't stop it. i grew weary of him trying to control more and more of my life at the same time. we fought a lot. when we fought he told me that he wasn't sure i really loved him. i told him i didn't know if he loved me. we couldn't understand why...

so two days ago he broke up with me. it happened because i originally was going to ditch a friend to go with the boyfriend. i was with him for an hour feeling guilty the whole time and he asked me what was wrong. i told him i ditched drew to hang out with him and i felt bad. i wondered if he would drop me off at drews to be with for a few hours (because the he didn't like my friends) and drew would drop me back off at his place. it was a saturday, i was going to spend the night. he got mad. he thought i was choosing drew over him. so he made me choose if i was going to drews or if i was staying there. i told him i didn't understand why it was a big deal. i knew if i left to drews he'd break up with me. i asked if he would and he said "i don't know," which of course means yes.

so i made him drop me off. i was emotionally spent from him blowing up at stupid s**t that most significant others can ignore. he called me later, at two in the morning, and left a voice mail saying that i didn't pick up. that it was over between us. i called him later and wanted to talk to him. i loved him. he picked up and told me the same thing after i said i wanted to talk and hung up on me

i spent twenty minutes calling him back, only to get ignored each time. i call from my sisters phone after 6 hours of sleep and he picks up. i ask to talk again and he says no, again, and hangs up

and now, after getting pregnant, gaining 40lbs, an abortion, no money and feeling slightly crazy for months, and now no love, i'm a wreck.

and no one, including me, knows how to pick up the peices...

/WALL OF TEXT

Two things right now are physically ******** with you. First of all, Pregnancy does this to people. Second of all, the procedure causes tons of physical changes too. Also, the mental ramifications of the procedure itself (and I realize I'm heading into an area where evidence is not so concrete)

Now you have this secret. And on top of that, the relationship.


I personally, would like to see somebody who isn't a wreck after all this.... But you know, I realized something.... People don't appreciate suffering. You've got a great deal of suffering. USE IT. I thank God for the s**t in my life, because every time something bad happens I can just laugh, and go "This is it? That's ALL that's gone wrong? This is easy...."


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zyUsJWO-7jM

This is the song I live by.

Oh, and guess what? Don't worry about that relationship ending... I'm sure you loved him, but sounds to me like he's the type of person that can only be dealt with one way- Shovel to the face. Last thing we need is more people falling for complete assholes.

Oh, crap, that means I'm going to be single forever....