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 Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 2:12 am
"The Nine Month Sacrifice"
As I lay here on the ground I feel relieved as I bleed out,
sirens in the distance doctors on the way,
I try to stand though i don't have the strength, but fools are they who call me weak, For I fall for who I love so they can stand and rise above,
my life is ending for his birth, although I bleed I feel no hurt, as my conscience leaves this placed called earth, pride is what i feel,
I'm dying but I do not despair, for I saved the two who hold my care,
"I love" I say to my weeping wife, while she begs for me to clench on to life
my sight goes black though it is not night,
I sleep,
(critique appreciated)
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Posted: Sat May 02, 2009 3:02 pm
very, very good! I love you're style of writing. I have a very short attention span and usually don't read other ppls work, but after that first sentance, I was hooked. The only thing I would change is after I sleep, you should end it with either a period or ... for dramatic effect. But that is just my preferance. Other than that it is amazing. If you wanted to continue with the poem, you could go into more detail and explain more on exactally what is happening. There were times I found myself getting confused on who was dieing.
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