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 Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 7:48 am
Not good, not good, not good.
In a curious mirror to the events of a few weeks ago, Sakata is pacing. Back and forth, back and forth, following a path that he's worn into the ground after several days of solitude. He put the word out with the rest of the Claw that he was off to patrol the far border, taking some time to himself. That, in itself, is not unusual for two reasons. First, Sakata often goes off to do such things on his own. Second, Jini has become increasingly moody of late (and he knows why, even if the truth is being kept from most of the pride for now).
And since it's his fault that Jini has become far more irritable lately, he's decided to remove himself from the area. Of course, there are other circumstances that would make Jini even MORE irritable if she was aware of them, and it is for these reasons that he is pacing back and forth in one of his 'secret places' instead of patrolling the border like he claims.
Muhali was right. He knew it, he already knew it, but she made him bring that knowledge to the forefront of his mind. And now he has to do something about it. There's really only one choice, he knows that, but the idea of hurting her... it would be so much easier if he could just go away.
Frustrated, the Warleader snarls and swats at an exposed root. What the ******** is he going to do?
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 8:08 am
Wrong, wrong, wrong.
This was so wrong. On so many levels. And for so many reasons. It did not help, however, that she was enjoying it despite the knowledge that it was wrong; in fact, it was making matters worse for her. She felt guilt, ashamed and horribly stupid.
If there was something Takatifu did not like, it was feeling guilty and thinking herself stupid. While it was true that most of the pride thought her to be absent minded and not all too.... there, per say, she was intelligent enough to know that she was being childish and that this had to stop. Whatever 'this' was. Did it even have a name? Was it love? Care? ... What was this? Passion? Lust?
The Pure made a face as she padded towards one of Sakata's private 'hiding places'. She knew she'd find him there; the spirits guiding her to him with ease. She still swore up and down and all around that they were practically laughing at her. She still found nothing laughable about the whole situation, really. Frustrated by her thoughts and feelings, she had deemed it a good idea to go find the warleader; even if he was the cause of the frustration, he was a comforting figure, and it make .... a sort of twisted, logical sense to go to him. As soon as she'd reached the area she though he was in, she lifted her head and called out to him, "Sakata?" it was only when she peered around a certain large set of rocks that her eye finally lay on him, "Sakata..."
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 8:20 am
Of course.
The snarl dies as quickly as it had been born, claws retracting, nerves calming, racing thoughts settling. How ironic, he can't help but think, that the cause for the largest portion of his mental and emotional unrest is also the balm that soothes it.
But the root is still shredded to pieces.
He spares a glance for the evidence of his agitated mind - the destroyed root, the obvious tread left by his restless pacing - before looking over to the source of the voice. "Tifu," Sakata sighs, both relieved and nervous, his gaze flicking away as soon as he met her eyes. Why did this have to be so difficult? It's not even fear of her mother that drives him (although having a greater spirit upset with him would definitely be a deciding factor if he hadn't already come to the same conclusion).
Should he greet her? Let her draw closer, offer a friendly nuzzle, brush against her side? The temptation is strong --just one last time!-- but he tries to resist. If he gives in now there will always be another one last time, until it is too late. He owes her better than that. So he sits, paws pressed firmly to the earth to stop himself from moving towards her.
"We can't keep doing this." At this point, it's unclear whether 'this' refers to sneaking away from the pride to meet in secret... or the entirety of whatever 'this' is between them. His wording was deliberately vague, and yet he hopes (quietly, desperately) that she will take it to mean the larger 'this' so that he doesn't have to be too explicit.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:06 am
Instantly, the female noticed that he had not gotten up to greet her; he did not move from the place he'd been standing on. In fact, he merely sat down and looked like he meant business. Alarm bells went off in the Pure's mind, but she tried not to make it show on her expression. Confusion filtered through despite her best tries however and as she drew nearer to him, she sat a small distance from him. Just barely enough that she was not invading his space.
"We can't keep doing this."
She felt her heart sink at the words. It helped nothing that she KNEW he was right. She'd been telling herself that 'this', whatever 'this' was, had to end. They could not go on like that... and yet the feeling of hurt was still there. It edged across her features and she looked up at him in the most pitiful manner ever. As if he'd taken away from her something that she could not even begin to explain. At the same time though and despite the hurt upon her features, it was clear she had reached that same decision, "I know..." she told him, her voice pathetically meek as her eyes dropped to the ground.
"I'm sorry," because she was. It was all her fault, and she was sorry, and now... she didn't even have the comfort of his touch to make it better.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 9:15 am
He's fought - and won - more battles than he can count. Vanquished many foes, endured many challenges, survived through seemingly-endless dry seasons. And none of that, none of that was as difficult or painful as resisting the urge to reach out and offer comfort to the crestfallen lioness.
The lioness HE hurt, the lioness who is suffering because of HIS selfishness. Heart aching with guilt and sadness, he can't muster up any words to offer her. No words, no touch, he can't even meet her gaze. Until...
"I'm sorry."
"No." His voice is a sudden growl, and even at the distance she's chosen to settle at she should feel his hot breath as he almost pants with anger. "No. This is NOT your fault, don't you DARE be sorry." Sakata's expression is a curious mix of anger and earnest intensity, and he tries to capture her gaze, to hold her with his eyes and make her understand.
"I had no right to treat you like this. None. You deserve better. I should have known better."
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 10:07 am
The resounding 'no' startled her, but she didn't look scared (how could she ever be scared of him?). Instead, Takatifu looked surprised, or perhaps vaguely confused as to why he was rebuking her. In fact, she looked half ready to ask what he meant when he continued.
His explanation did not please her entirely, as was evident by the way she shook her head, right to left in a vague motion, "No..." she said, and still there was lingering pain in her voice, because if anything, she'd known from a start that this was wrong, "No, that's not true. All you did was give me what I wanted. I asked for it," she had been childish, even knowing he'd had a mate. Even knowing she was jeopardising that and everything else around them, she had still asked for it, "Did I have a right to ask for it in the first place? To feel like that? I had no right."
She should have known better too. But there was no going back on that now because what was done... was done. There was no use crying over spilled milk.
She seemed about to tell him something when instead, her eyes hooded and glassed over, and the giggling she'd been hearing over the days intensified and FINALY she understood the joke. The lioness paled over slightly as she lifted her gaze up to him as soon as she'd snapped out of the trance, "Do you want the good news, or the bad news?"
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 10:42 am
Her continued attempts to take the blame cause Sakata to become increasingly agitated, pressing his ears against his skull and resisting the urge to reach out and give her a friendly smack upside the head. No touching, no. So he just shakes his head vehemently, continuing to argue with her. "You would not have asked for it if I hadn't given you cause, Tif-- Takatifu." He frowns, stumbling over the affectionate shortened version of her name.
"You had every right to feel as you did. I had no right to... to take advantage of what you felt." And that's what he did, he realizes, hating himself for it. Despite his feelings, he had no right to act as he did, knowing that there was no way he could fully reciprocate her wishes. "Muhali was right," he mutters beneath his breath, paws clenching at the earth, "I am insane, I must be. Damn me for a green-pelted coward and fool."
But her sudden change in demeanour knocks him out of what almost began as a self-hating spiral, and Sakata flinches, almost reaching for her when she wavers. "B-bad news?" He stammers, dread coiling in his stomach.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 11:55 am
She still wasn't pleased with what he was saying. If anything, she was willing to admit it was both their faults conbined. Still, she didn't really blame him for her feelings; she'd heard before that love was blind (was this love? Something else? She didn't know), and it was hardly his fault that she'd felt the way she had for him. He had acted on it, possibly to indulge himself, but it had made her happy, and she wouldn't have traded that for anything.
Despite the fact she pulled a short grimace when he refused to call her by the shorter version of her name, she let it go and focused on what she had to tell him, "I uhm... well..." she looked sheepish then, nervous, "You know how you told me that you were pursuing the queen because you wanted liable offspring that you could teach the real ways of our pride to?" she left that hanging openly, her eyes darting away from his; the flash of pain in them was undeniable, "Well... congratulations. You got your wish. The queen will soon give birth to a healthy litter of cubs," she shifted in place then, looking awkward and out of place, as if not sure what to do with herself.
"Bad news is... uhm," she hesitated momentarily before continuing, her eyes lifting up to his, "I'm kind of pregnant too," actually, she was pregnant too; without the 'kind of' bit.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 12:13 pm
He honestly would never have believed that it is possible for emotions to change as quickly as they do. Never in a million years, not until now. At first he is ashamed, both for having his previous plans laid so bare (it sounds so crude!) and for the obvious emotional impact that plan has on Takatifu.
And then, elation. Cubs? Royal cubs? HIS cubs? He's had his suspicions for a while now, since Jini has been even more moody than usual, but to have that confirmed by the Pure... and then his joy is mixed with bitter pain, as again he realizes how this must make her feel. How... how Tifu now knows, without a doubt, that he's been with both her and the Queen within days of each other. And just as he is trying to find a way to apologize, still feeling guilty for the pain he has caused her (and still a little afraid of what Muhali will think of this), he recoils as if physically struck.
Pregnant. "No," he breathes, the word slipping unbidden from his tongue as he feels his plans go tumbling to ashes. No, no nonono, no, this can't be happening. For one brief, horrible moment he considers an act too dark to even give further thought to, and then he shudders, disgusted with himself. But even then, even in the midst of all that emotional turmoil, he is... happy. Proud. Cubs? His cubs, with the Pure?
"Oh," Sakata swallows, his throat dry, "oh, spirits, Tifu, are you okay?"
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:04 pm
Her ears drew back at his practically whispered 'no', and for a moment, she looked somewhere torn between ashamed and mildly upset that he was saying that. But the feeling soon passed when she stopped when she realised what this litter meant for him and her ears dropped down.
No, no she wasn't okay.
That was plainly obvious. But above all, she looked scared, because she had absolutely no idea how to go from there. What was she expected to do? Was she expected to deny her own cubs their life just because they were not wanted? The idea made her look away from him for a moment before she forced her gaze back on his, "What should I do?" there was no longer a 'we' there. There would never be a 'we' there. That part of the journey was over, and she could feel the spirits chanting a horrible 'I told you so', except... they hadn't really told her anything to begin with, because life was never as simple as that.
This was a mess, and she had no idea where to start cleaning.
Or she did, rather; she had to stop seeing him and keep away from him. Because if she didn't, it was going to jeopardise his relationship, since... relationship it was. She had seen it plain as day in her vision, even if he did not realise it now. Maybe he never would, but the seeds were there, planted, and she had no right to stop them from growing.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 1:14 pm
He realizes what he's done with that simple utterance, but too late. No words he can say now would be able to soothe that injury, and again he damns himself for acting so rashly. What has happened to him in the past while? Maybe he has gone insane, maybe this is all a dream, maybe...
But. He's going to be a father again. Twice over. "The spirits have a sense of humour. Twice blessed, but the blessing comes with a price." Sakata leans forward, then, placing one paw upon hers - the first contact he's made, the only contact he'll allow himself to make. "We will think of something." The emphasis is quiet, but sure. He has paid for his indulgence, now, and he owes it to himself - to Tifu - to set things right. And to make sure that the price she pays is not too high.
"We need to act fast," he begins by stating the obvious, brows furrowed with concentration. The most obvious problem is also the most delicate one to bring up, but there is no time for delicacy. Not now, not when everything is at a risk of falling down and taking them both with it. Oh, spirits, but the Queen could have the Pure sacrificed on a whim if she knew...
"Is there... is there anyone you know who could be the father?" Be tricked, be used, be taken advantage of - but he is not able to call it what it is, his lip curling at the very thought of someone else being with his Pure.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 2:38 pm
The damage had indeed already been done, but she was, for the time being, done thinking about it. She needed to figure out what she was going to do, and how she was going to pull out of the hole she had quite deftly sunk herself into, "They've been laughing at me for a while now," the words were mumbled slightly, her gaze adverted from him till she felt his paw on her.
The contact startled her, as was evident by the small jump she gave. For a moment, it looked like she was hesitating, as if pondering if she should pull away from him, but she soon enough found that she could not do that. Mostly because despite everything, she trusted him, and still cared for him deeply; she could not pull away and risk hurting him. So thus, she remain there, allowing his paw on her, allowing him to group them together once more.
Even if she knew they were not destined as such.
"I..." a grimace passed over her features; it was not in her nature to think such things, and the idea of hurting someone, anyone, for her own mistakes, made her feel despicable, "Well... there IS someone," she left the unspoken words hanging there 'but it would be horrible for me to do so'. Still, the necessity outweighs her morals and she lets out a sigh, "Hodari has been a good friend for a long time now..." and she had started to realise, soon after her feelings for Sakata had emerged, that she recognised the way he looked at her. It vaguely resembled the way she'd snuck glances at the warleader.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:09 pm
When she flinches he second-guesses himself. Stupid, stupid. That was too soon - he hadn't meant anything by it, not really, nothing more than a show of support, a sign that he will stand by her side, that he won't abandon her. And now he worries, wondering if he should pull away, wondering if that would somehow make it worse. Unsure of what to do, he simply listens while she presents an option.
To his credit, Sakata manages to avoid flinching when Hodari's name is brought up. Somehow he knew, just as much as he was dreading it, that the Vates would be mentioned. It makes sense, for more than one reason. Close to the Pure. Similar enough (hopefully) in coat colour. And, perhaps most importantly, in a position to help stop Tifu from being sacrificed before her time. But still, old prejudices die hard. And, despite the fact that he knows he has no right, the idea of the Vates laying even one paw on the Pure... he clenches his own paw upon hers, and then suddenly pulls it away.
"Sorry," he mumbles, turning his gaze aside. Perhaps she will think that the apology is for the unwarranted contact. Perhaps.
At least one old habit comes in handy at this point - he nods, hiding his feelings about the situation, and mouths words of assent, "Good idea." The Warleader does not point out the obvious - that she will have to move fast, to make a liaison happen as soon as possible, so that none within the pride will have cause to doubt the fact that Hodari is the father.
"I am sorry, Takatifu. I never meant for... this." He sighs helplessly, bringing his gaze back to bear upon her.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:20 pm
She didn't like the sound of how this was turning. Takatifu wanted desperately, to turn time around and stop herself... stop them from digging themselves into such a horrible situation. Any other time, cubs would have been a blessing to her, but in such circumstances, the pain cause by the sheer notion that they were unwanted was almost enough to make her gasp for breath.
There was no need for him to tell her that she would have to move fast. Instincts and self preservation told her that much and she merely nodded as he apologised. The way his paw had tightened around hers had not gone unnoticed, and deep down, she was wondering; what was she to him?
She knew that he cared for her, deeply even. Enough that he was resenting the notion of hurting her, blaming himself. But did he actually love him? Did she? What was love anyhow?
"Life," she told him as she finally stood up, "Goes on. And while it's true that the outcome is not what I would have wished for... I do not regret. You shouldn't either," because regret would mean that this... this thing she'd felt had been wrong. And while it was true that she had acted wrongly, her feelings, per say, were not wrong. There was nothing wrong about what she was feeling for him... and she was only just realising this, "I'll be fine," it was hollow promise, because she didn't really know for sure, but she offered it anyway. Then she smiled and turned away to leave, no doubt to seek Hodari out.
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Posted: Mon Apr 13, 2009 4:30 pm
Again, it is only through sheer force of will that he does not rise to go with her, to offer some gesture of support or camaraderie, to press idly against her sleek sides, to... but he does, he does remain where he is, watching while she turns away.
"I do not regret it," he affirms, his voice steady. Regret is something a Warleader cannot afford. Regret is a luxury, something for those with time to let their minds be idle. No, he does not regret what he has done - but he can be sorry for the pain it has caused. And he continues, "I don't even regret the cubs we will have, spirits damn me but it's true. How could I? Such a blessing, such a--"
"I just..." Frowning, Sakata shakes his head. His gaze fixes on the root he'd shredded in a time that seems a lifetime ago, and he flexes his claws in the dirt. "I could not forgive myself if you were hurt because of my selfishness."
The Warleader's thoughts are as distant as the border he's supposed to be inspecting. He should go there. He will go there. No more lies, starting today. "Be careful, Tifu," he cautions, before he rises and moves in the opposite direction.
He does not look back. He cannot.--fin--
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