The effort of trying is what allows us to succeed!!! D<
I'm not good at criticism, but I had noticed a few things. ><;
The lay out of the poem is confusing.
You've added '...' in some places where it lost me, and so I had to reread that section again. DX In some cases you want sections to be reread twice, so you can give the reader a lingering thought, but I don't think you're trying to go for that affect.
I get that it's to add to the mood, but sometimes you don't need those things- the mood get's built up as the reading goes along. 3nodding
Also, tinker with the last line a bit. In my opinion it doesn't seem to fit too well, but do whatever you like dear. ^-^
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