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 Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 1:58 pm
On a scale of one to ten, how is it?
~Prologue~
The thick fog hung in the air, giving this small, silent town a dark eerie look. I ran down the dark road, panting. I felt as if I would have a heart-attack at any moment, but I knew I had to get away. A bird sounded in the forest left of the town, signaling the arrival of morning. I paid it no heed, as I continued running. I could barely hear the footsteps, but I knew they were there. The village, unaware of the danger I was in, awoken slowly. People here and there made their way down the cobblestone streets, beginning the day that would end soon enough. I close my eyes, sucking in breath in short gasps. I knew I had to stop, I couldn't possibly continue running. At the foot of the forest, I collasped, my wounds adding more gravity to my fatigue. I looked up at the fast approaching figures, my breath still uneven. I knew I couldn't escape, and I most certainly couldn't run any longer. I closed my eyes, my head resting on the cold, damp earth, and waited for my inevitable fate.
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 2:29 pm
I Personely like it and would like to be able to read more.
I rate it a 7 or 8.
smile
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 2:55 pm
About a six I would say. Try making things a little more blurred, if you know what I mean, like don't have the exact position of the bird. From what I've read the main character is terrified, wounded, and hyperventilating. There should be an air of confusion going on in that case, at least it would seem appropriate.
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Posted: Sun Mar 29, 2009 4:40 pm
I give you an 8! It was interesting 4laugh
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Posted: Tue Apr 07, 2009 2:01 pm
I like how you created a vivid image of the scene. I give you an 8. =)
But it seems to me that the character is a bit more alert then he/she should be, considering the fatigue he/she's suffering from. ._.
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Posted: Wed Apr 22, 2009 11:00 pm
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Posted: Mon Apr 27, 2009 3:57 pm
i would give you 7. very interesting and vivid details of what is going on. xd
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Posted: Thu Apr 30, 2009 7:14 am
I'll say a 7.
The character seems too alert considering he/she is fatigued and terrified, not to mention wounded. Maybe soften some of the details. Otherwise, I liked it.
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Posted: Fri May 15, 2009 6:52 pm
I'd give it a 7. Other than the things everyone else said, there was only one thing that bothered me. I think there was a bit too much detail. It seems like you were trying to so hard to make it vivid it became over whelming for the reader. I'm a picky reader, though. I just noticed how late it was after this was posted, but oh well. ^^
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Posted: Mon May 25, 2009 4:26 pm
I'd give it a 7 like everyone else did.
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 11:43 am
you have the suspense right on, but the descriptions are odd, the town sounds silent, i hear no babies crying in the morning, no dogs, nothing. its too quite for average life. its an 8/10. try to appeal to all the senses, like, cold air, or the smell of pine in the forest.
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Posted: Wed Jun 17, 2009 2:26 pm
It was realllly good! Is there any more? If so, I'd love to read it. biggrin
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Posted: Sat Sep 19, 2009 10:18 am
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Posted: Wed Sep 23, 2009 3:28 am
Mikiiri On a scale of one to ten, how is it? ~Prologue~ The thick fog hung in the air, giving this small, silent town a dark eerie look. I ran down the dark road, panting. I felt as if I would have a heart-attack at any moment, but I knew I had to get away. A bird sounded in the forest left of the town, signaling the arrival of morning. I paid it no heed, as I continued running. I could barely hear the footsteps, but I knew they were there. The village, unaware of the danger I was in, awoken slowly. People here and there made their way down the cobblestone streets, beginning the day that would end soon enough. I close my eyes, sucking in breath in short gasps. I knew I had to stop, I couldn't possibly continue running. At the foot of the forest, I collasped, my wounds adding more gravity to my fatigue. I looked up at the fast approaching figures, my breath still uneven. I knew I couldn't escape, and I most certainly couldn't run any longer. I closed my eyes, my head resting on the cold, damp earth, and waited for my inevitable fate. Hm, I'll give it a 7.5. Take into consideration what everyone else said. Also, in the second sentence, I think "heart attack" is too strong; you can't really feel a heart attack coming on. And heed... *looks up in dictionary* Well, it just sounds odd to me; it doesn't let the sentence flow very well. And perhaps add in a bit about the wounds in the beginning, because, here I am, halfway down the paragraph, reading that bit, and I'm thinking, "What?" Btw, your writing reminds me of my own! Just a little thing that popped into my head when I was reading this.
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Princess Tessa of Sailand
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