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 Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 9:38 pm
EDIT
I didn't know which of the many sub-forums to put this in.
You have a very daunting number of sub-forums.
Death of Sky Cadet
The Sky explodes above me and
I'm jostled from my slumber
But in my ears I still hear Her voice from my dreams.
The captain is yelling through the smoke of our barracks,
“Get moving, men, get yer arses up and fight for your Queen” he orders right before
The room fulminates.
My eyes close and I feel the air rushing against my back as I fly;
The window port side of the mighty Kraken does little to nothing to stop
Me, and I am falling.
I open my eyes and I see my gloved hands held up towards the twilight Sky,
Embracing it even as it slips away from me.
In my ears I hear Her voice,
“I love you”.
The Sky explodes above me and
I see my flying home away from home combust with Her.
It screams in fury as it starts its descent,
Face first back to-
The ground
Welcomes me back with a sigh,
And I hate it.
The Sky explodes as the remaining fleet continues on,
Onwards to the enemy.
I close my eyes and imagine Her hands on my face;
Fingers smelling like engine oil.
The Sky explodes above me and
I go back to sleep.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:27 pm
It's very good! I just think you need to add some elements to it.
Perhaps reference the other senses, the smell of burnt oil in the air, the sepia toned sky, the burnished hues of the airship exteriors.
Your only real short coming in the work is that there isn't anything that really screams that it is 'SteamPunk' era. But you are a very good writer, so I think you should be able to correct that with some descriptive words.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 10:59 pm
Thank you, I'll see about working some stuff in there.
Did the timing seem alright to you?
The concept was good?
Was there anything wrong with the poem as a story?
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:38 pm
Version 2 is up there.
I added a line break, some more description, changed a few words, and made it a little sadder in the process.
I tried to work in a description of the airship the "Kraken", but that didn't work into anywhere, and then I tried to work in a description of the enemy that destroyed the Kraken, but that didn't work in anywhere.
The original ending I had planned was ending the poem off with:
The Sky explodes as the remaining fleet continues on,
Onwards to the enemy.
I close my eyes and imagine her hands on my face;
Her fingers smell like engine oil and blood.
But I hacked "blood" out of there because it was too organic.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:50 pm
Very good, the imagery is much improved
However, the word is barracks, not barrack
the word is plural in either usage
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:57 pm
Benjamin Bradt Very good, the imagery is much improved However, the word is barracks, not barrack the word is plural in either usage -Face palm- I can't believe I missed that. Oh, I also completely re-did it, so if you could check it out again? There were too many different female allusions in it, so i streamlined it all to the Sky.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:14 am
I like it.
A very good piece.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:21 am
Benjamin Bradt I like it. A very good piece. Do you think it is "Get published in Steam Punk Magazine" good? Don't pull any punches here, be honest.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:28 am
*stares blankly at your signature* Sorry . . . where was I . . . Oh yes. I went to college to be an English teacher. I think it's awesome. The hard part of poetry is, there is no conventional way to judge it. it isn't a story or an essay, there is only so much construction one can influence on a poem. If you're asking me to do a teacher's mock-up, I would do this to it. Quote: Version 2 Death of Sky Cadet The Sky explodes above me and I'm jostled from my slumber But in my ears , I still hear Her voice from my dreams. The captain is yelling through the smoke of our barracks, “Get moving, men, get yer' arses up and fight for your Queen” he orders right before The room is torn asunder by fireMy eyes close and I feel the air rushing against my back as I fly; The window portside of the mighty Kraken does nothing to stop Me, and I am falling. I open my eyes and I see gloved hands held up towards the twilight sky, Embracing her, even as she slips away from me. In my ears I hear Her voice, “I love you”. The Sky explodes above me and I see my flying home away from home combust in her bosom. The Kraken screams in fury as it starts its descent, Face first back to- The ground Welcomes me back with a sigh, And I hate it. The Sky explodes as the remaining fleet continues on, Onwards toward its enemy. I close my eyes and imagine Her hands on my face; her fingers smelling like engine oil. The Sky explodes above me and I go back to sleep.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:33 am
Hm, I like how you made certain lines more pleasing to the ear, but aside from the inclusion of 'arses" instead of "asses", I think I will have to pass, not because it isn't good, but because it wouldn't be mine.
And I am the prettiest girl to have a p***s.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:34 am
Well . . . go on with your bad self then. ^^
I didn't think you should take my changes verbatim. I was just showing you how I saw it flowing best, and assumed you would take from it as you will.
Your poem is wonderful, and I would be surprised to find out it was not published.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:40 am
Benjamin Bradt Well . . . go on with your bad self then. ^^ I didn't think you should take my changes verbatim. I was just showing you how I saw it flowing best, and assumed you would take from it as you will. Your poem is wonderful, and I would be surprised to find out it was not published. I did go and change the "room explodes" part to "fulminates", because explode sounds redundant unless it's a repetition of the original "The Sky explodes..." Thank you for your input, I really appreciate it. Hell yeah, if it gets published I get thirty bucks and a step into the literary world.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:53 am
It's exhilarating. I've been published a few times, in my youth, and it was a wild run.
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 12:56 am
I have a few critiques. First, why is there an apostrophe after "yer"? In my opinion, it shouldn't be there. Apostrophes are meant to show a contraction, i.e. a letter missing.
Yer, in this case, is just a way to show a pronunciation of the word 'your' so no apostrophe needed. Also, on that note, I think you should keep consistency in your dialogue and change the second 'your' into 'yer' as well.
The line "I see my flying home from home combust with Her" really bothers me. Do you mean like what Benjamin put as in a home away from home? Or that you see this flying home from somewhere else (another home)? Really what came to my mind at first was an airship.
Either way the usage of 'home' twice in the same sentence sounds odd to me. It might be better if you thought of another word for home, perhaps abode or dwelling.
It's very interesting otherwise, and a bit sad, which I like. I hope you do get published. Good luck~ (^_Q)
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Posted: Wed Mar 18, 2009 1:04 am
Lily Darling I have a few critiques. First, why is there an apostrophe after "yer"? In my opinion, it shouldn't be there. Apostrophes are meant to show a contraction, i.e. a letter missing.
Yer, in this case, is just a way to show a pronunciation of the word 'your' so no apostrophe needed. Also, on that note, I think you should keep consistency in your dialogue and change the second 'your' into 'yer' as well.
The line "I see my flying home from home combust with Her" really bothers me. Do you mean like what Benjamin put as in a home away from home? Or that you see this flying home from somewhere else (another home)? Really what came to my mind at first was an airship.
Either way the usage of 'home' twice in the same sentence sounds odd to me. It might be better if you thought of another word for home, perhaps abode or dwelling.
It's very interesting otherwise, and a bit sad, which I like. I hope you do get published. Good luck~ (^_Q) Thank you for your critique, I guess I picked up that apostrophe thing from Stephen King, I've always chalked it up to being a different writing style. I kept "your" and "yer" different because the captain is referring to the Queen with "your", and it's a little sign of respect. "home from home" is just another way of saying "home away from home", I hadn't realized that it made a big difference if I took the word "away" away. I could slap it back in there I guess. Thank you for your time!
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