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 Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:38 am
The time since Ripuka's death had been a difficult one for many lions in the pride, those who had known her or been touched by her words or teachings. Kidondo often thought of his childhood spent with Ripuka, listening to her stories about Finar-Si, listening to the traditions. He remembered thinking how ridiculous they were, how they were the cause of such downfall in the pride. So, despite the fact he had not agreed with Ripuka, he had learned from her and through her teachings come to realise that unless something was done they were all doomed. He'd never told her so, but he had never blamed her for what she believed in, never told her that he loved and thought of her as a mother. He just hoped that she knew it. He cursed himself for not making it in time to see her before she....before she passed away.
And now, now he felt guilt at the decision he had to make on Uddhava's future. Ripuka had died saving him, brought him here trusting that they would care for him. And they would. They would care for him. But he couldn't stay. He couldn't.
Ny's bitter words at hearing this had only made his guilt worsen and even though he knew it was probably for the best, he couldn't help but feel it was wrong.
He drew in a deep breath and started off, away from his den toards the oasis where he would relax for a while and try to shrug off all this negativity.
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Posted: Mon Mar 09, 2009 5:55 am
In Uddhava, Azarax had found a kindred spirit. Someone with whom he could share his thoughts and know that they would be understood. Where he had withdrawn himself from the rest of the world following Ripuka's death, he had opened up to the little golden cub. There was a bond between them that he didn't quite understand. It was almost as though they had been through war together, and yet somehow, it was a war that they had experienced at difference times.
And it was because of that, perhaps, that Azarax felt the urge to protect the cub. It wasn't simply because he felt obligated to - which he did. He felt the need to ensure that his mother had not died in vain, that Uddhava would be protected. But it was something more than that, something he couldn't quite explain.
It was, at best, a difficult thing to lose a parent. It didn't matter that he had met her but a few times before, that he had never really known her. Regardless of how present she had been in his life, she was still his mother, and he had already lost her once before, though he could hardly remember it. It wasn't any easier to lose her a second time, and if not for Uddhava and the anchor that he provided, Azarax couldn't help but feel that perhaps he might have slowly drifted away.
But because there was Uddhava, he was still able to focus and get on through life, to push through the hardest part of loss. He was still, at least, functioning, and as the days drew on, he found it increasingly easier to find in his life some semblance of what it had been like before. Guard duty, like he had chosen to do today, seemed to make more sense to him. Not to mention, of course, that it took the less effort or conscious thought than some of the other htings he might have done.
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Posted: Fri Mar 13, 2009 8:27 am
Guard duty.
On days when Kidondo had felt most at turmoil, most troubled and confused, he would head to the borders and patrol relentlessly for hours on end. Only when he felt a little comfort in his heart did he stop and return home, feeling a little better than before. Kidondo felt deeply that he had a lot to be guilty about, a lot to feel sorry for. Was his life destined for constant failures and choices that would lead him down this path again and again?
First his feelings as a cub that had drawn him from tradition. Then guilt at leaving his sister to the whims of the pride. Then the guilt at killing his father, causing Kaanga more grief, Ripuka's death. Now this. What else did the future hold for him? He didn't like to think.
And then, as if summoned by his guilt, there was Azarax. He wasn't sure if the tan lion had seen him or not, yet, but it seemed a good opportunity to talk.
He quickened his pace and gave a low grunt in greeting. "Azarax. How are you keeping?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 3:40 am
His golden eyes swept the land, and sighted the familiar red form of the Regent hurrying towards him. He felt a strange sort of relief flow momentarily through him. If he had missed spotting Kidondo, it would have been proof that he was clearly not himself yet, that he had no right being back out on the sands and patrolling so soon. As it was, the fact that he had noticed, as he normally would have, was a sign that he was on the mend, and no matter how horrible he might still feel waking up some mornings, the rest of him was beginning to return to the way he had been.
He greeted Kidondo with a gracious nod. "Regent." He returned, and instantly he felt the front he had been putting on surface once again. As always, he thought, with anyone apart from Uddhava. But he was on the way, he would get there eventually. "I've been better," he admitted after a moment's thought. "But it's getting better."
He thought of the little golden cub, and thought of the way the urge to shut out the events of the past seemed to fade when he held conversations with Uddhava. His brother had made him realize that, subconsciously, he had always put on a show around others. He never let anyone in, fully, on what he had been through, and though he was willing to discuss his past with others, he would never truly let them know how he felt about it. With Uddhava, it was different, though he knew much of what he said made little sense to the cub at the moment.
But in the future, he would understand. And that was it. Uddhava would understand. It was something that Azarax couldn't hope to find in any other, and perhaps something that he wouldn't want to. He and Uddhava shared a bond, because of what they had both been through. And that was special.
"And you?" He asked Kidondo, knowing that Ripuka's death hadn't affect simply himself and his younger brother. If anything, Kidondo had known Ripuka better, had known her longer, so he suspected that, perhaps, the old storyteller's death had affected the Regent even more than himself.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 6:16 am
He smiled in response but it took him effort to do so. He wasn't exactly looking forward to this conversation but he knew it didn't matter when he approached the subject. It was going to hurt whether it was now or whether it was in a few weeks time. There was no stopping it. No denying it. No, this was the time. He just wished that he had his mate standing next to him. He always felt stronger with her at his side.
He drew in a shallow breath. "Doing well enough." He replied. "There's a lot to keep me occupied so it keeps me from dwelling on thigns too much." He paused and shifted awkwardly. "Actually, I'm glad I caught you. There's something I've been meaning to talk to you about and I'd rather you heard it from me instead of by rumours." And there would be rumours, he thought grimly.
He lifted his eyes to meet Azarax's ones. It was difficult. "It's about Uddhava. His future." He hesitated, cleared his throat. "Will you walk with me a while?"
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 6:38 am
"His future?" He echoed, and his brow furrowed in confusion. Kidondo's tone suggested it wasn't going to be anything good, and and from the beginning his body language had spelled some bad news.
He supposed it had to be special for Uddhava. He didn't know what the cub really looked like, but he had been told that Uddhava's pelt flamed brighter than the sun, a shade of gold. He couldn't imagine what that looked like. If only he could. Then, perhaps, he would understand more of what the cub felt when he mingled with others. All Azarax knew, really, was that Uddhava was different.
But different didn't say a hell of a lot.
His eyes searched Kidondo's for an answer. Doing it did little to reassure him - he found only emotions that spelled confirmation for the growing dread within him. He hesitated, knowing that whatever talk was to follow would not be a particularly pleasant one. And yet, what was there to do but to hear what Kidondo had to say? If it was concerning Uddhava's future, then good or bad, it was important.
He nodded. "Of course."
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 6:51 am
Kidondo nodded grimly, moving off across the sands slowly. He needed to walk, needed to help rid himself of this horrible feeling of guilt. Walking helped somehow. After a few paces, he felt ready to begin and he lifted his head so he could be better heard. When he spoke, his words were soft.
"Before No and I took up leadership of these lands, when we dwelled on the borders, waiting for the time to strike, we spoke at great length on what rules we could keep and what we couldn't. There were some rules - slavery, for instance - that we had no trouble in abolishing. There were other rules - such as the tradition of namign a Firekin - that were also extremely easy to keep with us. There were other rules, however, that troubled us greatly. And in the end we chose the rules that we thought might help win over as many Firekin as possible." He paused. "You see, before the change came, the chance of having non-firekin coloured cubs was rare. Very rare indeed. It was something we did not have to worry ourselves about. However, opening our doors to rogues means that along the line, unnatural coloured cubs are going to be born."
He paused here, letting the information sink in. "We agreed to make exceptions for those who helped us in our cause. Those like you, like some of the ex-slaves who fought alongside us. However, we knew we had to be firm. We had to keep the colours of red, black and white dominant, so eventually - with the passing of time - the rogue colours would eventually wear out. To do this, we agreed, that any cubs born of unnatural colours once the battle was won, would be named Huria. Independant. Cubs who do not look like a Firekin would be given to a caretaker, trained for the outside world, and be set free into the world at adolescence."
He fell silent again, giving Azarax a chance to absorb the information and understand what he was getting at with Uddhava.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:14 am
Unnatural colors. That depended largely on what one saw as natural. But though his mind searched for a way out of comprehended, Azarax knew that meant any cub that were not red, black, or white. There was no way out of it, and from the moment Kidondo had began to speak, he had known that.
He supposed it wasn't a huge surprise. Some part of him, deep inside, had always known that Uddhava couldn't have stayed. He was so different, even Azarax could see that. It wasn't simply the coat. It was who the cub was as a lion. He was everything that a Firekin... generally was not, and much as Azarax had hoped it could go unacknowledged, that simply wasn't a possibility.
"So. He has to leave." He said hollowly. He wasn't quite sure which emotion to feel. It was all there, blended together in a blur - dread, anger, sadness, resentment, helplessness... He couldn't quite make them out, and it only left him feeling confused. It was quite new to him, this sort of confusion. He had always known how he was supposed to feel, and if he was supposed to be confused, then he knew it and he felt it. But this was different.
A frown flickered across his face. If Uddhava had to leave... He shook his head. But what was the point of his coming here at all... if he had to leave? And still, a small voice whispered to him. It was better for him to have been safe until adolescence, than thrown into the unknown as a cub. Which, to be honest, he had been anyway.
"But he can't leave..."
And he knew that his desire to keep his younger brother with the Simo was purely selfish. He didn't want to lose Uddhava, because he didn't want to lose the connection that existed between the two of them. Didn't want to lose that last link to Ripuka. Didn't want to lose those memories. And so what if he didn't? He couldn't be blamed for wanting to hang on to the past, to family, to the trust he had placed in the little golden cub.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:23 am
Kidondo nodded.
"If there was another way, I would find it. But I cannot be seen to make exceptions. It might set some against me. If I allow one, I'd have to allow many and that just wouldn't be acceptable." He drew in a deep breath. "Forgive me, Azarax. I know how much the cub means to you." In fact, Kidondo probably didn't realise just how much Uddhava meant to Azarax. How could he? He hadn't lived the life that the tan General had. But he atleast knew they had found comfort in their grief by their closeness. That was a given.
"I know it seems wrong. Especially after...especially after Ripuka entrusted him to us. But, by being here, we saved his life. He will live where otherwise he might have died, at the hands of the Safi or out in the open on his own. Ripuka did not die in vain. Her son will grow up and he will survive." He paused.
"He will...have a caretaker. I know a female. One of the rogues who recently joined. Her name is Moja. She is kindly and loving. She will help teach him of the outside world. Prepare him."
But it was little comfort in the grand scheme of things. Uddhava was leaving them and there was nothing more to it than that, really.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:41 am
He so wished that he could act irrationally to the news, wished he could do more - much more - to fight for the cub to stay. But much as he wanted otherwise, he could understand Kidondo's reasons. If there was one, there would be another. And then more, and soon, they wouldn't look like Firekin. They would look like... any other lions. Like rogues, even, but larger.
The thought made him bristle inwardly. Rogues, like the ones that had attacked Ripuka. Unaware of it, his body tensed, and a scowl crossed his face briefly as the thirst for revenge floated through him.
"It's not the same," He said with a small shake of his head. But he kept his temper in check. He had come a long way since his adolescence when it came to keeping his anger on a tight rein. He had found that if he hung on and didn't let it out even an inch, it was easier to hold himself in check. Perhaps he would have flown into a rage at the news before, back before the Rebellion, when rumors of Kidondo's return had drifted through the pride. Perhaps.
But he understood. It wasn't the same as acceptance - he would never accept the fact that Uddhava had to leave. But he understood the reasons, and much as he wanted to lay the blame somewhere, he couldn't. There was no one to blame.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 7:51 am
He tried to see through Azarax's expression, tried to see what he was thinking. But he couldn't. The General's face was unreadable and Kidondo sighed deeply.
"I know." He replied softly. "This is not a good situation for anyone. And yet, I think maybe this will be good for him. He's timid and shy, not like other Firekin cubs. Out there, he'll mingle in. He won't stand out so much and others will accept him. Here, people know who he is, they stare. I think that perhaps he might thrive out there, where no one looks down at him because of pelt colour or his personality."
He shifted awkwardly.
"Azarax. He doesn't know, yet. I haven't mentioned anything because I thought you ought to know first. And...also...be given an opportunity to tell him yourself - if you want to, that is. Maybe the news will come easier from you. He trusts you. Loves you, even."
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 8:10 am
Loved him, even.
Azarax closed his eyes and held them there for a moment, letting the flood of emotions wash through him. In, and out, like a wave. It was better that way - to feel them, and to not feel them at the same time. Because that didn't make things any easier. He realized, all of a sudden, just how dear to him Uddhava really was. He did love the cub, that was true. He was family, and Azarax treasured his family, even if he didn't know them. But he did know Uddhava, and that was where it was different. He could stand losing Jua and Wakia in the split after the Rebellion, he could survive Ripuka's death. But it was all different with someone he knew, and for the first time, he was with and caring for someone he was actually related to.
It seemed like Azarax was destined for dealings with loss. But that hardly came as a surprise.
No, it wasn't a surprise. Neither was it expected, but it wasn't unexpected either. He opened his eyes, and by then, he had pushed all the thoughts and emotions away. There was nothing he could do to change what was to come, and he knew that was the way it should be. The Firekin were still Firekin, and there had to be some regulations. So he would deal with it.
Without even having to think, he knew it was the cool front he put up talking again. What else could it be? There was no way to deal otherwise.
"I think I should," He said with a small nod. "I think that would be best."
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 8:17 am
Deciding to leave it at that - knowing there was nothing more he could say to ease things, he dropped back a little, coming to a halt and lifting his head. He drew forwards both ears and squared himself to end the conversation and elave Azarax to his thoughts. He had a feeling the lion would want to be left alone for a while after this and Kidondo was not the sort to intrude.
"Thank you, Azarax." His voice was solemn but strong, tamed to be what it had to in order to keep his voice from shaking. "I'm sorry to bring you such news this day, but...I knew you had to know sooner or later and the sooner you knew, the more time you have to treasure."
He stepped back. "If I can do anything to help, you have only to come find me. I will do all I can." He bowed his head, then, with no other word, turned and left the lion in peace.
What a day...
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 3:26 am
The tan lion only nodded, as his mind turned to contemplate the news that Kidondo had just brought him. Perhaps in later days, he would have an outburst, fly into a rage, but for now he had held his emotions in check well enough that he could still think properly. Think and process it.
As the Regent turned and left, Azarax turned his head to watch him go for a moment. Then he shook his head to himself, and turned back, continuing the way the two of them had been headed. For now, he would walk and keep to himself.
His eyes settled momentarily on the horizon and he frowned, remembering the last time he had done such a thing. Watching, and waiting for a familiar face that may or may not show up at the border. He sighed and turned his eyes away, stepping forward once more.
And he wondered what else the day might bring.
/fin
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