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 Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:41 pm
La’Toni Charves None of this could be normal. No way would someone so strikingly beautiful would even take a second glance at me. But he did. And he smiled too.
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Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:42 pm
Today wasn’t supposed to be anything special; it was just supposed to slip past without anyone ever noticing. I should’ve prayed for something like world peace, it was more likely. Today was my sixteenth birthday, and not a single one of the people I called my friends would let it pass without a huge scene. Even in the middle of a very crowded Los Angeles school hallway.
“Toni!” It was Marstella, you couldn’t miss her high-pitched call anywhere in this school. She isn’t the most likely girl to end up in LA, but she did; her leather clothes and all. She could not have been calling out my name, I did not want the whole school knowing I had decided to actually show up today.
But I turned anyway. “Mars!” I greeted her with as much fake enthusiasm as I could muster at eight in the morning. She smiled and threw her arms around me.
“Happy birthday.” It was him; Eric Don. His voice was earth shattering, his presence overwhelming. Somehow though, he was my almost-boyfriend. We had been dancing around the thought of dating since our freshman year, but here we still sat as juniors with nothing to show for it but a kiss here and there and a few dates.
“I have this huge thing planned and we totally need to get ready right after school.” As Mars continued to speak, her words began to bleed together, my mind wandering far into the little world I had created for myself. I felt Eric’s arm slip around my waist as I drifted in and out and I could feel the corners of my mouth tug up slightly to reassure him that it was ok. I was detached, just like I had been for the past five years.
“Yo, Toni?” Marstella’s voice broke into my thoughts now and I blinked and focused on her now. “Did you get all that?”
“Totally.” I managed a smile to back up my lie then glanced at my phone. I was going to be late for Algebra, again. “I’ll see you after school.” I turned to dash for my class, but Eric caught the hood of my favorite jacket, pulling me back into his arms.
“I wanted to give you your gift before you left.” He smiled slyly; he was good at making me want him.
Before I could manage to ask, his lips met mine for a brief instant and then he gave me a gentle shove on my way. Dazed, I barely made it through the door before the bell. Mr. Darm gave me a cold look before he turned to the white board. I quickly ducked into my seat at the far back. Another long day. Another year past. How I had made it this far was unknown. I was practically reliving the same day over and over again with only a break here and there to signal that I was 365 days older then the last one. This often led me to contemplate suicide.
Halfway through Darm’s lecture on matrices and the middle of my wallowing, the door was pulled open. The class hushed quickly as he glanced at it. A boy stepped in, no, not a boy, a man. No boy could have such astonishing features. His broad jaw-line, resigned cheekbones, almond-shaped emerald eyes, and jet black hair had nothing over the perfect dazzling smile he flashed Mr. Darm. “I’m David Hale. Ms. Carter in the office said this is my first period.”
A smile played the young teacher’s lips, “Pleasure to meet you. I’m Liam Darm, welcome to Algebra two.” He then gestured with a smooth hand back to my row; the seat next to me was the only one available. David walked, no, he sauntered across the room and through the desks to his new seat. He dropped his beige book bag on the floor next to his seat and slid into place. He was too graceful to be a teenager, but clearly too young to be an adult. I couldn’t help but gawk. He was too beautiful.
“May I help you?” Then he turned his astonishing gaze on me, and I froze. I’d been caught, this was embarrassing.
“Uh…uhm…” I stuttered, I couldn’t speak, it felt like a sin to even look at him. I felt heat rise to my cheeks and my eyes met my desk. After a few moments of awkwardness, I finally managed, “I’m La`Toni Charves.” My name rolled off my tongue harshly, it was always hard for me to talk when I felt intimidated.
He laughed, truly a lyrical sound. “Miss Charves, it’s an honor.” I could tell he was smiling. I didn’t dare check that assumption though. “I’m David if you didn’t hear.”
That’s what turned my life from calm to a war. My sixteenth birthday would be seared into my memory as the day I lost my mind.
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Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:43 pm
I had never been that good at remembering names and I was even worse at faces, but every time I saw David, he looked more and more familiar. It was an eerie sensation of déjà vu that would creep up my spine during Algebra on a daily basis. I’m sure it must have looked like I was obsessing over him with the way I always stole glances at his perfect features. Maybe I was obsessed.
I was determined to actually have a conversation with him today, because all our past conversations were him making small talk and my pathetic garbles of confusion and embarrassment. I didn’t get shy often, but something about him made me want to be timid and more like a girl. I suppose I had grown fond of the idea of appealing to someone so beautiful, even if it didn’t seem very likely.
Now I forced myself to turn in my desk to face him, this took much encouragement and mental preparation on my part. I smiled, sure that it wasn’t doing the least to convince him I was at all confident as he turned to me. He smiled back and it sent a shiver up my spine. “Hi.” My voice was just a squeak and barely audible to human ears.
“Hey.” He smiled again, “Do you finally speak English?” I laughed, he laughed. In comparison, mine was like nails on a chalkboard and his truly magical. “Sorry, it’s just, you always seem at a loss for words when you speak to me.”
My laughter softened, “It’s just, you remind me of someone I hear a lot about.”
“Oh really? Is this person spoken well of?” His smile made me melt.
“Not really.”
“Oh shame.”
I felt myself begin to pick at my nails, a nervous habit I had formed. “But you two aren’t much alike, you just look like the pictures I’ve seen.”
“Who is he?”
“Someone my friends think is evil. I think he’s just misunderstood.”
“Would he come here if so many people seem to be against him?”
My eyes hardened, my tone flat, “He wouldn’t dare.” A sharp chime broke the tension now between us. Saved by the bell. David leapt from his seat and was gone in a few graceful movements, I was jealous.
It’s not like I had disgust for people, I just didn’t like how they smelled. Walking down this hall now, I picked up on too many horrid scents that set my nostrils aflame. I hadn’t noticed what I was doing at first until my brain processed my change in direction and the sweet odor. Amongst the vulgar world of teenagers there rose a wonderful smell. Not like flowers or cologne, or anything for that matter, it was magnificent. It drew me in, and before I knew it, I was standing next to David. He was talking to Marstella, who stood with her weight on one foot and twisting a dark lock around a pale finger. She smiled and smacked her gum as she giggled with approval and excitement at the appropriate intervals in his story. It only took him a moment to notice me and he smiled, I smiled weakly back.
“Isn’t your next class like, four halls down?” Marstella’s voice was thick with envy as she snapped at me for stealing away David’s attention.
“Don’t you have a boyfriend?” I growled back at her. Sure, we were close, but when it came to a cute guy, friendship no longer had a say with us.
With a huff and a stomp from her noir faux stiletto Gucci’s she stormed into a nearby classroom. “Thanks.” David’s smooth voice sounded relieved.
Quickly my attention snapped up to him from the door. I felt my cheeks grow slightly warm. “You seemed interested in the conversation.”
“I’m a great actor.” He smiled and threw his arm over my shoulder, leading me down the hall. “I hate fakes like her. Liars are the worst though. People can have their secrets, but when you lie about those secrets is what’s pathetic.”
I bit my lip. “Look, I need to go to class.”
He brushed his nose against the top of my head, shuffling my thick red hair over my crown. I felt him grin as we walked, “I’m only across the hall from your class. I’ll walk you.”
This wasn’t happening. I got a sinking feeling in my gut as he spoke. This wasn’t possible. First off, someone as gorgeous as him shouldn’t exist in the first place and if they did they should be some kind of celebrity. Second, there was no way it said anywhere in the “Pretty Man’s Handbook” that you should be interested in a below-average girl. So how was this happening?
I’m not sure exactly what happened, but as David disappeared into his classroom, I got pulled into Chemistry by Marie who was almost hyperventilating. My mind had lapsed over the short walk across campus with David, or maybe I had just locked it out as soon as it happened. Whatever had just happened in the hall had my entire Chemistry class in awe as Marie and Lauren dragged me to our lab table in the back.
“What did you just do!?” Lauren hissed at me, her jaw dropped and eyes wide in surprise.
I hesitated as I looked for the right words, “I walked to class with David.” It was beginning to roll back to me now. I remember David leading me through the crowded main hall into our hall at the end, I remembered bits of our conversation a long the way.
“Oh no no no.” Marie grabbed my shoulders from across the table, “That’s not all you did.”
I wasn’t paying much attention now. My heart began to ache. The pain never came at me during school. I was never in enough of a pit for that. Sure enough though, my ribs began to feel like they were splintering under a vice in my chest and I clutched my arms around me and gritted my teeth against the pain that filled me. More of the conversation came back now. David’s laughter, his words, how he said he thought I was a reasonable kind of a girl. It was all playing back.
“You do know that the whole school is going to be talking about this, right?” Lauren’s voice was a hushed whisper as Dr. Cain began her lecture on Electron Configuration. “This will not do well for your reputation.”
“What do you mean?” I didn’t know I had spoken until I focused in on their faces to see the utter shock they displayed.
“You can’t just be all friends with benefits with Eric Don and then kiss David Hale!” Marie’s words made that last piece fall into place.
What had I done? Any chance of being with Eric after he heard about this was gone now. How had I let David kiss me? Why didn’t I shove him away and stop him? Something was terribly wrong. I could not be looking the end of my longest-lived “relationship” in the face just because my brain shut down on me for a few minutes. No, it didn’t shut down, I didn’t black out. I was, enticed. I was swept up in his existence, his smell, his features, his voice, everything. I was locked into a state of hypnosis brought on by the beauty and alluring vibes that fell off him in waves. I was comforted, I didn’t feel the need to protect myself from him, and with that he took the chance to kiss me. Now I had to work on a good story to tell Eric. I didn’t get much time at that before my thoughts were shattered again.
“What was it like?” Lauren’s smile was curious. “Everyone wants to know. Was he a good kisser? Did you want him to kiss you? Details, I need juicy ones.”
“Leave her alone, Lore.” Marie snapped, slapping Lauren’s hand. “I think she’s in shock.”
“I would be to if an extremely gorgeous man just kissed me.”
I didn’t realize I had stood and left the classroom until I was already halfway down the hall with Dr. Cain yelling behind me. My phone began to sing vibrations in my jacket pocket as I continued to walk out the door and into the warm mid-autumn air. Pulling it out of my pocket, the screen read, “New messages from: Lore, Mars, Marie, Eric.” I groaned, skipping past the messages of horror and shock from Lore and Marie and the angry hate message from Mars and opened the one from Eric.
“You didn’t really kiss that David kid did you?”
I felt tears sting my eyes as I replied, “I didn’t know. I was practically in a trance. I’m so sorry, Eric.”
I slid my phone back into my pocket as I made my way to my car. It was only a moment before it danced in my pocket again. I pulled it out and regretted opening the message as soon as I read it. “We need to talk.”
As I threw my bag into the passenger seat of my candy-apple red Porsche coupe, I pushed the key into ignition, fighting back my tears. Like most times though, I lost. The saline solution streaked through my thin layer of base and pulled my black eyeliner with it, I barely saw this in my rearview mirror as I pulled out the school lot.
It came again in a crippling wave, the pain was too much. I stopped my car on the shoulder and let it idle as I curled into a tight ball, trying to hold myself together. Tears stained the knees of my acid-wash jeans as I rocked myself, sobbing violently as the baggage of my depression rolled over me and crushed me into something I didn’t want to be. I needed to control myself. I needed to calm down. No relief would come though, I couldn’t find a light in the events that had so quickly just played out. Life seemed pointless as I took a deep breath and slowly relaxed my body. Tremors still shook my body as I gripped the steering wheel and put the Porsche back in drive.
I was 6217 days old now. I lived the same day over and over again until day number 365 and I was given a break; only for that break to bring about tragedy every year of my life. Here was the sixteenth tragedy, but it was seven days late. Regardless, it was pretty close to where it should fall. I often had been led to contemplate suicide due to my lack of excitement in life, my lack of taking risks. I only had myself to blame for that, I had seen what could happen when you were reckless. Though the numerous times I had thought about my death, I never once attempted to bring it about earlier than Fate had intended. That is, until today.
I didn’t think much on it now as I hit the gas and felt myself get thrown back against the seat as my small car made its way into a danger zone. I knew if I caused a big pile-up and lived, I’d be in some serious trouble, so I figured I’d try to change lanes and then lose control. No one could blame me if my steering didn’t work right at the time. I had complained to my father once or twice that my axle would stick and I would be left unable to turn or stuck doing donuts, so it was perfect. As I slowed a bit, I went to change into the fast lane. I was well aware of the black panel van coming up on my left, but I made my decision to look at the time and just as I pulled in, the van clipped my bumper.
What happened next I hadn’t expected, I really did spin out, and my steering wheel did stick. My bumper fishtailed out as the van skidded along the side of my Porsche and the Kawasaki motorcycle that had intended to pass me collided with the back end of my car and the rider was thrown. I was now facing the opposite direction in the middle lane on the highway and a U-Haul moving van in my face. It was too late for the driver to hit his brakes, even if he had, the sedan behind him would meet his bumper and make him meet the front end of my car. I didn’t feel a scream escape my throat as the van crashed headfirst into my baby and then all I felt was the crushing pain of the car collapsing into me.
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Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:44 pm
I wasn’t supposed to be alive right now, but my body was strong enough to survive being crushed between the two cars and taken down the highway a few hundred feet. My body was designed to survive almost anything and how I hated it. I wanted to be dead, but I knew this surreal abyss I was floating in was not death, but most likely a pain-free coma induced by high amounts of morphine. I couldn’t pull myself free, I was trapped in this sleep. Definitely the drugs.
Then noises began to filter in. I slowly became aware of the steady beat of my heart at that filtered through the EKG. I’m quite sure this fact had the newer nurses startled. I soon began to pick out distinct voices, mostly those of my worried friends. Then my mother’s voice touched my ears, that wasn’t pleasant.
The pain hit me harder then I’m sure it was intended to, but the splitting in my chest made me cry out. My world of peace wavered. Like a pond that a stone had just been thrown in. The dead sleep wasn’t really all that dead anymore as I slowly began to regain consciousness. Sharp knife points filed into my chest, one after the other as I slowly fought to break the surface. I was weightless, trapped in the dark waters of my subconscious, and none of my limbs wanted to respond to what my mind had to say. Memories flooded my mind and each one ripped another hole deep into my chest. My mother’s voice leaking in had broken into the raw wounds and brought on the unbearable pain.
I sat bolt upright, groaning in pain as my eyes snapped open and I was blinded by the fluorescents. Then came the rest of the pain, it ran up my arms and through my legs and made me want to scream. I refrained from making a scene as Eric and Marie’s eyes fell on me from across the room, my mother and father leapt to their feet to assure me that I was ok, and the doctor shoved my father back to check on me. Conversation halted. The doctor gently pushed me back down to the bed, telling me to breathe and the sort and then pulled my parents into the hall.
My mother, I didn’t understand why she was here. It was pointless for her to fly here from Albany, she never cared about me, so to see her made my pain worse. It still tore through me as I continued to think on the issue. After I moved in with my father when I was thirteen, my mother had disowned me. We didn’t have the best relationship in the world, but we were close and it worked. She didn’t take well to me wanting a change and said that by moving in with my father I was making a huge mistake. Looking back on the past three years, I determined that it was in fact the best choice I’ve ever made. I hadn’t spoken to my mother since I moved, afraid that the pain would take me out, until she finally forgot me. Or so I wanted to believe.
“Oh my god! I can’t believe you’re awake!” Marie took my mother’s place and she hugged me tight, I didn’t protest against the pain, I was just glad to have my friend.
“You gave us a good scare, Toni.” Eric lingered at the foot of my bed, he seemed awkward there.
I smiled and immediately regretted it as I felt the painful tug of stitches along my face. “I’m sorry guys.” My voice cracked painfully as I spoke.
“What happened?” Marie sat next to me on the Hill-Rom bed, stroking my hair gently as she looked over my injuries again and again.
“Uhm…I didn’t pay enough attention when I was changing lanes. And I got caught by a van, and then a motorcyclist hit me and then the U-Haul did. That’s all I really remember. It happened so fast.”
From the opposite side of the room I heard Eric growl and then I heard a thud as his fist connected with the wall. “It was my fault you left school. I should’ve picked better wording. I’m so sorry, Toni.” He had made his way to the side of the bed opposite Marie and he kneeled, gripping my hand in his. “I didn’t mean for you to react so rash. I thought you might understand what I meant. This is all my fault, I’m so sorry, Toni.”
“Eric.” My voice was weak. I managed to grip his hand, feeling the tug of more stitches in my arm. “It’s not your fault. I promise. It’s David’s.”
Speak of the devil. He stormed the room, a frantic expression on his perfect features as he glanced over to me. He looked so worried. I didn’t flinch at him, I couldn’t do that. He leaned on the foot of my bed, meeting my eyes. I looked away. “Toni, are you ok?”
“No thanks to you.” Marie growled darkly, jumping from the bed and shoving him against the back wall. She had one of those tempers that were a chore to control.
“Marie. Leave him alone. I left school early. I was already on my way out when I got Eric’s text. David wasn’t the one driving the van that hit me. I was the one who didn’t pay enough attention to the road. I was the one who got behind the wheel when I wasn’t in control of my emotions. It was my fault.” I didn’t want Marie and Eric getting a hold of David, that wouldn’t end well.
“It doesn’t matter, Toni, he started the whole mess by kissing you!” Eric didn’t like that. We weren’t dating, but we sure seemed like it. Eric never asked me to be his girlfriend, and that made us “just a thing.”
“I didn’t think you and her were together.”
“We’re not.” There was such reluctance in Eric’s voice it almost made me want to ask him myself.
David shoved Marie back, sending her stumbling back to the bed frame. “So it’s not a crime that I kissed her.” He growled darkly, I didn’t like the tone in his voice. “At least I took the initiative to make a move.”
That did it. That one remark shoved Eric over the edge and he lunged, taking David back into the wall. The two wrestled for a moment, before I shouted. “Stop it! You two are not helping my situation. And I don’t want to hear another word out of you, David!” I managed to sit up again, sighing heavily as I made the effort.
David looked hurt, and I don’t think I could have stayed so level-headed and stubborn about it if it wasn’t for Eric returning to my side at that moment. I glared at him, but it hurt me to do it. I couldn’t stand hurting him.
“Look, Toni—” David started.
“Don’t you dare call her that.” Eric’s tone was crueler than needed.
David rolled his eyes as he continued, “I’m sorry. I hope you get better soon.” Then he was out the door and gone, for what I thought would be the remainder of my life.
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Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 8:45 pm
I wandered into Algebra today and smiled grimly at Darm, it was my first day back and I didn’t exactly want to think about all the make-up work he was handing me at the moment. Missing a week of school had its fallbacks. I took my seat at the back of the class and fought the urge to look across the aisle at David.
“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have kissed you. Or worked Eric’s last nerve like that. Or anything. And I apologize.” David’s voice sounded sad as he spoke, almost like he really meant it.
I took the chance though. Someone had been here for a week I wasn’t and I would need the tutorials for my work. “I’m sorry too.” I looked over at him and he cringed. I didn’t blame him. My face was pretty bad, and the rest of me didn’t look any better. Most of my skin was bruised, and the stitches didn’t make any better. My face was the worst I’d have to say. I had a large crescent shape of stitches around my face and the opposite eyebrow stitched tightly together, my nose was in a caste as well. I also had a caste around my left shin and foot and one on my left elbow as well. I was burned too, mostly on my legs and right side of my body. “I know, I look horrible.” I had a total of 237 stitches, seventeen fractures, and three breaks, I was worse then horrible.
“I think you’re still beautiful.” I felt my cheeks heat up as I looked down. “And you need to be with someone who knows that.”
I glared at him again, “I’m very happy with Eric.”
“So you two are together?”
“He asked me the night I woke up.”
David seemed pleased with this as he started to take his notes for class. “I’m happy for you.”
“Thanks.” I smiled, but tugged on my stitches and it vanished as the pain spread across my face. How I had survived that crash was unknown.
As I hobbled to Chemistry, David offered to carry my bag and didn’t bother to let me object as he walked me to class. This time he didn’t stop to talk to Marstella, and the look of pure disgust I got from her as we passed seemed to please me. Making her jealous made me happy. This was overwhelmingly pleasing.
Lauren gasped when she saw me; she didn’t visit me in the hospital and had no idea the extent of the damage. “You look…” She couldn’t find the words to describe what she thought of me now.
“Terrible? Yea, I’m aware. Thanks for being Captain Obvious.”
She looked down at the table as class started. Marie and I shared stories back and forth of the past week through class, she hadn’t been back to see me since the first day. The only one who had seen me on a daily basis outside my family was Eric, he wouldn’t leave my side so long as it wasn’t school hours. I hadn’t seen him once today and it surprised me, I had expected him to glue himself to me upon my return.
I didn’t let it bother me now as I wandered out to another class. I had more important things to think about then Eric not talking to me today. Things like how I was going to put a safe distance between me and David and all my make-up work that I had. Today was going to be a long day.
Life moved slowly after that, it had become a chore to remember everything I needed to get done. I didn’t look healthy in the least, even when my stitches got taken out and my bruising healed. My eyes were sullen and dark circles had migrated into place and my body was not handling the accident well. My skin hugged my body, awkwardly and I had lost too much weight to be healthy.
Eric started coming by my house every day after that first day back, he would bring me something sweet every time. I quickly began to realize how this made many of the others at school look at me. If you looked at it from their eyes, I suppose I was sort of using Eric or even using David at that. With how I was dating Eric and how I was always with David. Life got complicated in the first few months after my accident.
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Posted: Sun Jul 05, 2009 2:58 pm
//I regret to inform any readers of this, I've lost all interest in the story. Chances are, I'll never finish. My bad.//
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