Welcome to Gaia! ::

First off, I am a girl (read the siggy). Anyway, I have a boyfriend who is one of the sweetest, most romantic guys I've ever met. He's two years older than me, constantly tells me that he loves me, brought me out to a pretty expensive resturant, and is just so sweet to me in general. I think I'm in love with him but the problem is that I'm constantly having doubts about the relationship and hardly a day goes by when I don't think I'm going to have to break up with him just for my own mental health.

I guess I mostly just feel kinda unworthy of him. I'm starting to dislike myself and when I'm with him, I start thinking, "Why me? Why would this really sweet senior go for an ugly sophmore like me?" I've had a few boyfriends before but neither of them really seemed to love me that much and didn't really do much for me. I've gone through different stages where first I thought maybe he was just using me but that was quickly cancelled out. Next, I felt like maybe he didn't really understand love and this was just a physical relationship (but then we agreed that we wouldn't have sex because I was too young and that pretty much cancelled that out along with him really seeming to mean it when he said he loved me). Now I just don't understand it. I feel bad about myself and kinda shameful. At the same time, I don't think breaking up with him is really going to make me feel better. It'll probably just make me feel worse.

I've talked to him and told him that I'm insecure but there's a point at which I can't bring myself to tell him what I know will immeditely give him a puppy-dog sad look and it's not like I can exactly tell him that I'm always thinking about breaking up with him when he's telling me he's loving me more and more. I'm beginning to think that maybe I'm just clinically depressed but I don't really fit it. I've never cut myself nor gotten that close to it and my feelings are really more of unhappiness than deep depression (which I have felt before but not so much now).

So what do I do? How do I shake myself out of this? Do I break up with him for my own good or is that just being selfish? Please help me. I don't really understand why after seeing him (which usually makes me happy when I'm with him), I start to feel like this relationship will never work out. It's like a bad aftertaste.

Honestly, this all has to do with your past and how you were raised. It seems to me that you're trying to sabotage your relationship with this guy. Everything that you state is good about him, yet you feel like you must break up with him. This is typical of someone who's been through an abusive past. So, if you were abused, either physically, sexually, or emotionally, read through this part. If not, it doesn't apply to you:

Basically, humans are wired to repeat whatever trauma may have happened to them in the past. That means that if you have trust issues, or in your case self-esteem issues, you're more likely to focus on those in relationships and try to find reasons to end relationships because of them. Depression probably doesn't play too large of a factor here, but it might contribute a little.

All in all, he sounds like a good guy. Even though you might not feel up to par to him, you two are lucky to be together. Just stay with him, and he'll provide the comfort and support that you really need.

Thanks guy! ^_^ No, I don't have an an abuse in my past but now that I think about it, I can see that self-esteem/trust issues could have sprung up from the fact that nearly all of my "friends" when I was in elementry school were mostly either back-stabbers or made me feel like I had to work to be accepted by them. Could that possibly come up a problem now when I'm in high school? That I still have self-esteem issues left over from my late-elementry/early middle school experiences? Although on the other hand, while I haven't liked many guys, I haven't ever had any tramutic rejections or break-ups or anything like that....

I suppose I just have to work on it and remind myself that if he's the guy I know he is by now, he's going out with me because he loves me. Is it tacky to ask a guy why they love you? Because I think hearing it may make me feel better...

A lot of people have that exact same elementary school experience, yours truly included. They should do have psychologists from different cultures study our school systems and their effects. But I think that having to fit a standard at such an early age definitely causes some kind of imprint, possibly directly a lack of self-esteem. Why do we not have a professional psychologist in the guild?

As a guy, I do not think it would be tacky if the girl I loved asked me why. Indeed, it happened a few times. For me, it did not feel like she was insecure and was just trying to reassure herself, it felt more like she was trying to see if I could articulate myself or make her feel great about herself and I think often disappointed her. So there is that to worry about: What if his answer isn't enough?