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 Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 8:13 am
So, not so hypothetical question, but still, I'm curious to know what everyone thinks.
We have three people: Person A, B, and C.
Person A has a significant other (boyfriend/girlfriend) Person B. Person B meets/makes a new friend of the opposite sex, Person C, and starts spending a significant amount of time with that person.
Here are my questions about this:
1. Should Person A feel threatened by Person C?
2. Does this mean that there is something wrong with A and B's reationship?
3. If you've been in this situation as A, B, or C, what happened and how were things resolved?
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:13 pm
I've been A and B- but not really C. I'm very cautious befriending people of the opposite sex with significant others and spending -too- much time. Why, because I don't want to interfere, ya know? I've had some super close guy pals but usually I give some space when they get a girlfriend.
Unfortunately while person A shouldn't necessarily feel threatened, it's a pretty natural response. I've been person A so many times. Sometimes it really is innocent-- and depends on the situation. Other times, well it's not innocent. It doesn't mean anything is necessarily wrong with the relationship between A and B-- but it depends on the circumstance.
I have guy friends, straight, gay, and bi, who I think the sun and moon of BUT--- there is absolutely no way I'd ever consider them a romantic partner, just not my thing. Sometimes two people share -no- attraction. Other times people are drawn together like gravity. Sometimes there is in fact something missing between two people that gets supplemented with a friend.
It's one of those situations you just can't generalize.
To answer number three-- well in most cases when I'm A I befriend C, or times when I'm the new person normally my belief is that if I cannot befriend the girlfriend/wife person then I tend to back off. Especially with marriage because I believe its one of those package deals. That's just me though. I find that while A and C might not click like B and C-- that befriending the "rival" or the "threat" sometimes dissolves the worries.
Even if two people don't click, I think significant others and friends should be on good terms. It's about a shared love for that person-- and wanting them to be happy. Also, it's about working together so neither friend nor lover is "hoarding" their time.
Finally, as person B, well some romantic interests forget one's need for friendship. Other times when I was person B I went to someone else because something was lacking in my relationship. A current personal example is that my boyfriend doesn't give out unprompted feedback on my looks. He never says I look good unless I've made some comment about feeling frumpy-ugly-fat. Unfortunately I must admit I sometimes drop in on a guy friend at work because if I'm dressed nicely he tells me I look nice-- and I really miss hearing that from a guy.
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:17 pm
** note on my example:
I miss hearing that from a guy who isn't some creepy pervert trying to get into my pants. Springfield is a very um... curious town, there is rather a lack of normal-looking single women over the age of 22. As a single 25-year old woman who has two eyes, a nose, etc, I get hit on a lot. Unfortunately it creeps me the hell out so I don't count that as being told I'm pretty.
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 12:54 am
I've never been person A or B, but been C often...and still am C. I have a lot of male friends who are married, some flirt with me, some don't. I'm not a flirt, so I don't tend to flirt back. I've NEVER done, and will NEVER do anything which would jeopardize their relationship, or my friendship.
So, if person C is anything like me, then person A can sleep easy...there is nothing to worry about.
But then I've been person C, dating person D. Person D started talking about person E who he'd (person D) been 'hanging out with'. Turns out person C shouldn't have trusted person D. Person C and person D have very different views on what is okay and what isn't.
So, really...what it boils down to is - it depends on what letter of the alphabet the people you're talking about are. eek
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 4:22 am
I'm not sure what to tell you in my personal experience, I was A, trusted the friendship b/t B and C till the day B left me for C.
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 4:36 am
Levina-jade I'm not sure what to tell you in my personal experience, I was A, trusted the friendship b/t B and C till the day B left me for C. That sucks...
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:24 am
My personal experience there is no such thing as we are just "FRIENDS" between B AND C. If you truely love B you tell B at front "I care about your happiness and never been so much in love with you (only if that's true though please don't say it if it's not sweet nothings is not cute), now are you in love with C or have any feelings?" that just honesty, and you tell B outfront that if you want to hang out with friends since we are in a relationship lets have friends together and hangout with friends together not one on one with your personal friends and be with mine. Or you can be the jelouse type and be possesive to B which either way of the other if you don't talked about it then B, will get too happy to see C and will leave you. So I say be very worried but don't get threatened; but yet don't be a third wheel that you are setting them up for each other, sometimes love is worth fighting for but most of the time it's not worth fighting for if B doesn't have any love for you.
But if B loves A; B will understand, and will work things out no matter how hard is it to let go of a friend and make new friends together(now just because you make new friends together doesn't mean it will be fine too, it still a problem with with any letters hooking up with new friends). But just don't be too blind that you can't see what the hints of actions, words emotions are telling you. Honesty is a beautiful thing. I say try it.
Gah it's true though relationship is a challenge, I rather not take anymore. Because people gets bored and whatever they feel that you lack they looked through someone else. This is why I believe there is the one for you out there, even if most people sh** on that, because for them it's a constant challenge to keep up the relationship it could be true love, but not the one that make you a whole like finishing each others sentence type. They will settle for someone less they expected and just say will if it's like that well that would be boring to be in that kind of relationship (I hear it too much).Because when it comes to "Aren't I good enough for you?" any relationship shouldn't come up to that problem of a doubt or question.
I'm not a flirt, and I don't get awe well depends who says it (and if their feelings and opinions matters to me) by compliments so flirting never really works for me, to me it's just depends on the attention but I don't mind getting compliments, it's rather honest to say you looked good and I say it to a lot of people family, friends, stranger (even if I hope they don't think I'm a stalker doesn't mean I want to get with them either). Even if I'm playing fight which I stopped because as we get older these types of things people say "YOU ARE A FLIRT". So I stop (unfortunately i'm like a kid I love to play and not play with people feelings type like go hide and seek type of games lol) xd .
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 10:28 am
Sablara I've never been person A or B, but been C often...and still am C. I have a lot of male friends who are married, some flirt with me, some don't. I'm not a flirt, so I don't tend to flirt back. I've NEVER done, and will NEVER do anything which would jeopardize their relationship, or my friendship. So, if person C is anything like me, then person A can sleep easy...there is nothing to worry about. But then I've been person C, dating person D. Person D started talking about person E who he'd (person D) been 'hanging out with'. Turns out person C shouldn't have trusted person D. Person C and person D have very different views on what is okay and what isn't. So, really...what it boils down to is - it depends on what letter of the alphabet the people you're talking about are. eek Well the letters can go far but you C through D sounds awfully like mine...I quit, a relationship that gives you a hard time is not worth it either even if there is true in a deep sense love for a person. A person that is unwilling to to compromise, I say it might be hard in a long run not worth it.
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Posted: Mon Mar 02, 2009 2:59 pm
Levina-jade I'm not sure what to tell you in my personal experience, I was A, trusted the friendship b/t B and C till the day B left me for C. **Stabs B in the throat with a spoon for Levina-Jade** I've been in this situation a lot. In this specific scenario right now, I I've been person C more than I care to admit. It's never a good feeling, and usually, you're the one blamed for the failure of A and B's relationship. From my perspective, Person A has a lot to worry about because Person B is a NEW friend, not an existing one. Along the same lines, Person A has to also figure out a way to confront Person B about it without proposing the idea of cheating and thereby ruining the trust of the relationship. Person B has a lot to worry about too, since they may be unconsciously (or even consciously) pitting A & C against each other. B usually has the worst consequences, like losing the relationship, losing the new friendship, or even both. Person C, however, has the most responsibility. Even if B is faithful, if C instigates, interferes, or applies doubt to B, then they can alter the situation in any way they want. It all depends on the type of person C is, and the nature of the relationship of A & B. Sablara I've never been person A or B, but been C often...and still am C. I have a lot of male friends who are married, some flirt with me, some don't. I'm not a flirt, so I don't tend to flirt back. I've NEVER done, and will NEVER do anything which would jeopardize their relationship, or my friendship. So, if person C is anything like me, then person A can sleep easy...there is nothing to worry about. But then I've been person C, dating person D. Person D started talking about person E who he'd (person D) been 'hanging out with'. Turns out person C shouldn't have trusted person D. Person C and person D have very different views on what is okay and what isn't. So, really...what it boils down to is - it depends on what letter of the alphabet the people you're talking about are. icon_eek.gif I never even thought about the concept of a Person D, which I'm sure makes the situation even worse. A may be on the outside watching B and C, yet not know that D exists, and vice versa. Or worse, A & D may know of each other and possible become a B & C themselves because of B & C's connection. Man, relationships are tricky. I'm glad I have a cat.
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Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 1:26 am
ditto Pets are just fabulous!! No confusion, just unconditional love.
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Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 11:36 am
In my case B just wishes A could tell her she's pretty from time to time. Is it so hard? GAHHH.
Seriously, I'm getting a complex. I don't want anyone else, but I think I'm going to explode without my obligatory ego boost soon... -hiss, snarl, seethe-
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Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 6:18 pm
AntoniaMerEnfant In my case B just wishes A could tell her she's pretty from time to time. Is it so hard? GAHHH. So in most cases, is it a matter of Person C providing something that Person A is not? Also, why doesn't Person B just tell Person A what is missing? Finally, who's responsibility is it to speak up first? Oh, and Antonia is pretty from time to time.
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Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 7:46 pm
Dafthank AntoniaMerEnfant In my case B just wishes A could tell her she's pretty from time to time. Is it so hard? GAHHH. So in most cases, is it a matter of Person C providing something that Person A is not? Also, why doesn't Person B just tell Person A what is missing? Finally, who's responsibility is it to speak up first? Oh, and Antonia is pretty from time to time. I already told A I have a problem with it, that because he doesn't say it it really hurts. All he ever says is that he has a hard time with words... sad
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Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 8:18 pm
I am a horrible shameless flirt.
And I know this.
I've been person A and B.
Right now, I'm person A. My boyfriend's best friend from high school-who's a girl-started coming around again. I know they're friends, but he disappears to her place for a minimum of 4-6 hours. And, I think, they share a lot more in common. So, naturally, I do feel threatened. So I talked to him about it and actually made the effort on trying to get to know her better (back in high school, there was a lot of things being said and it turned into a horrible case of "he said she said" rolleyes ) Now, she and I don't click so much, but we still manage to hang out a bit. And slowly but surely, we're getting to know each other. The last thing I will EVER do to my boyfriend is force him to a cross roads (either her or me). If the situation turns into them becoming romantic for some reason (which I really don't think is the case), I'd let him go and wish for his happiness.
Now to switch the roles-
As I said before, I'm a shameless flirt. That'd make my boyfriend person A, myself person B, and many of my friends person C. Only once, and very early in our relationship, has this ever made my boyfriend felt uncomfortable. We talked about it, I toned down the flirting and things were/are fine.
I'm a no bullshit kind of person, and I like to put all my cards on the table. I've gotten a lot better at being more gentle when it comes to certain things, but my point always gets clearly through and it's worked for me and boyfriend for seven awesome years.
But what works in my relationship might not work in someone else's.
Of course, I can't recommend anything more than honesty. No matter how you go about it, if you feel threatened, you feel threatened, and the person B in your relationship should know about it...
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Posted: Tue Mar 03, 2009 11:01 pm
Dafthank Levina-jade I'm not sure what to tell you in my personal experience, I was A, trusted the friendship b/t B and C till the day B left me for C. **Stabs B in the throat with a spoon for Levina-Jade** Dafthank Man, relationships are tricky. I'm glad I have a cat.
@ Sablara- they sorta have to love the one that feeds em, lol.
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