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 Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 6:22 am
As some of you may know, I have this scary obsession with thinking about dying. An unwanted obsession, that in the past few years I've almost broke free of.
Until just a few years ago, the only person I had ever known who died was my grandpa. I used to see him every Wednesday for like ever. But.. like I said.. I "saw" him. He was a grumpy old man, and he made dollhouses all day. He rarely ever spoke to me even though I was at his house so often. I was young when he died, and I didn't like him, really. I didn't know him. When he died, it didn't really affect me.
My sophomore year, one of my best friend's dad died. I never even met him. But being the kind of person that I am, she asked me to be at his funeral to be at her side. I cried and cried. I cried for her and for her family, not for him. I didn't know him at all, but he was so loved.. and it hurt me to see everyone there.
Yesterday.. my friend died. I hadn't really seen her in a while. The last time I really spent a good amount of time with her was when I was in high school. I saw her just a few months ago, though, at Wal-Mart. She was so happy, laughing. She was all excited about going to college. Though I hadn't seen her since then, and we never hung out really outside of school or school events.. I considered her a friend, and she did me. We just hung out with different crowds.. she was a good girl, I was a troublemaker. But we always got along, and I always enjoyed talking with her. I was all stressed out about what was going on with the guild, and then I got this text message. Very plain, to the point- yet so mind altering. "Kailee died. Car crash." I felt this rush come over me, and I was scared. I didn't know the number. I wasn't sure if someone I didn't know accidentally texted me.. I didn't know if it was my young cousin Kayla. I was so afraid it was Kayla, she just got her drivers license. I called the number to hear my friend Sara on the other end, bawling. "Are you okay?" "No.. no.. Kailee Eastwood is dead." Oh my god. It was someone I knew. And someone I know had died. Sara continued to cry. "I gotta go.." she said. "Take care of yourself, okay." I told her.. I set down the phone. Wow.. dead. It was like, the strangest feeling I have ever had. I have never known someone like that, never had someone die I really knew. The first thing I saw was her laughing, so happy in my head. It's not right.. it's so hard. I cried for her, and for her family. She has a loving mom and a little league football coach dad. She has like six siblings, all younger than her besides Clint. I could not imagine how they must feel.. Clint was a good friend of mine, and we have stayed in touch after school. He was kind, such a great kid, just like all his siblings. They were a great family.. ARE a great family. And it pains me so much to think of what they are feeling right now.
Whew.. I just needed to get that off my chest. Everyone.. even if you aren't religious.. pray for this family, cause I am. I don't know who I'm praying to.. but I'm praying neverless that they can somehow get by.
.....
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:32 am
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 9:11 am
crying
I kinda know the feeling..my moms granpa died last year, August..
He was old(almost 89), and was paralysed in his hole left side, after a heartattack a few years ago..
It was the day before my littlesisters birthday, and we had a party on the road. Then my dad asked me and my sister to get inside, he wanted to talk with us. And inside in the kitchen, my mom sat cried. In that moment, I knew what it was about. Even before my mom said the words, I started to feel a big hole in my stomach. I knew, that it could'nt be long before he would die, but that day, at that time! It wasn't fair! And then I started crying.
The thing that really hurts, is that he hasn't able to move since the accident, and for him that was worser than dying. He hated to border other people, and always did things his way. Until he was sat in a weelchair, and couldn't do anything, without others help.
He was unique.
I have thougth alot about it since, and now I have really understood, that evryone dies. Some just dies way to early. crying
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 7:32 pm
My grandmother died 7 1/2 years ago. It was difficult, as I loved her very much. She died in a car accident, and the suddenness of it was probably the hardest, but she, at least, had been able to live a full and complete life; to accomplish most of the things she had desired to do in her lifetime.
My dear uncle Dave died almost 16 years ago. He had been married for several years to a beautiful Costa Rican woman who had moved to this country to marry him after they met while he was visiting her country. They had been blessed with a beautiful daughter who was now only three months old. Life was beautiful.
My parents had taken me and my sisters to Griffith Observatory that day. We had such a wonderful time, I guess, but I don't remember that part now. I only remember coming home to the message machine. We didn't have cell phones then, so all of us heard the message together. My aunt was frantic. It was hard to even understand what she was saying. I heard my uncle's name and something about an ambulance. We all stood frozen while my dad played the message again. He called the house. No answer. He called my grandma. No answer. My father grew more frantic than I had ever seen him. This was his brother. No word. No cell phones. No way to know.
Finally, word came via another brother about the name of the hospital and two scary words: brain annurism. Sudden and catastrophic bleeding in the brain. My mom stayed and held us while my dad went to the hospital. It seemed forever until he returned.
Coma.
Little chance of recovery.
No hope.
My aunt had been inside with the baby when my uncle had stumbled in the door from the back yard where he had been working on household chores. Headache. Horrible. Worst pain ever. And then he fell to the floor. She called 911. She called us. She called his mom. She was terrified and the baby kept crying. He wouldn't respond. He wouldn't wake up. She stayed with him in the hospital. Nobody could make her leave. He was her husband, her dearest love. He had to be okay...
He wasn't okay.
They kept the life support active for a while, but the doctors finally made her understand that he was already gone. The two worst words she had ever heard: brain dead. No chance. She signed the papers and said goodbye, but he was already gone.
Gone.
The laughter. The piggyback rides. The bear hugs. The jokes. The love.
Gone.
He left a young, heartbroken widow and a daughter who would never remember her daddy's laugh.
Gone.
He left a hole that still isn't filled and a pain that still lingers even after all these years.
Gone.
But never forgotten.
I remember the year he and his wife came with us to a firework display for the Fourth of July. He was a true patriot, and loved this country. He and my dad played a game of puns all evening, getting worse worse, but ever more creative, as the evening progressed. I still visit his grave every year on the Fourth of July, because that memory is so strong.
I still lift up my feet over railroad tracks because he told me it was good luck. I think of him every time I go over railroad tracks, and my husband has learned to lift his feet, too, even though my uncle had been gone for years before I ever met the man who I would marry.
I thought of him on my wedding day, as my cousin, his beautiful daughter, arrived, looking so beautiful. She may not remember him, but I have memories to share if she ever wishes to know.
Sometimes it seems so unfair, so sudden, so utterly wrong for those we love to be taken away so early or so suddenly. There are no words to soothe the pain away, and even time can only do so much. The hole doesn't ever really go away. You never have that one more moment to tell them how much you care.
God doesn't tell us why, but He does promise to be there to hold us if we ask. And sometimes a shoulder to cry on is the best thing that anyone can give.
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Posted: Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:57 pm
My grandmother died last year, back in May 08.
For about 3 years before that, my grandma would get real sick, and every time she would go to the hospital. Every time, my mom would tell me that it's not looking good, and that this time might be it. And every time she got better, went home, and I'd come home to greet her, and tell her all I've seen so far, and reminisce about wrestling and stuff. (she started watching WWE back in '96. It was like a soap opera at night, and she loved it, especially Stone Cold and the Rock)
A few weeks before that, in April 08, she went to the hospital. This time was different. She didn't comprehend where she was at, and would get upset when my mom and sister told her she was at the hospital (she honestly thought she was at home). In the beginning of that week in May, she seemed to be finally getting better.
Then one day, I was signing a lease before I went on my deployment. I received a voice mail from my mom; grandma took a turn for the worse. I immediately called my mom, and have her send a red cross message to my ship (that messaged helped me get home a WHOLE lot faster). I finish the paperwork, then head back to the ship, where I sign out on emergency leave. I decide, for whatever reason, to sleep that night and head home first thing in the morning.
That morning, I board the train, and call my mom, informing her I'm on my way. at 9 a.m., I arrive in LA and call her again. I only get her voice mail, so I leave a message. I get home a few hours later, I see my mom, and told that she died earlier that morning, and that's why she didn't answer her phone. In all my 21 years, I've never cried as hard as I did then. I, a grown man, was in my mom's arms, like a 5 year old child, bawling, not caring who saw me.
It was strange. about 20 minutes after I first called my mom that morning, she just got this feeling. She called my dad, my brother, and my aunt, and all rushed over. My mom and sister were first to arrive, and when they walked in, the nurse called it. She went peacefully, in her sleep. My dad, who always complains about her and how she does this and that, also cried really hard that day.
My grandma had it all set up. There was no services. A week after her death, she was cremated and sent to be buried with her husband. Thankfully, the coordinator dressed her up for a little while later that day, and me and my older brother got to say our final goodbyes.
What kills me, what kills me absolutely the most, was during those last few days, she tried sooooo hard, so hard to wait for me. Waiting for me to come home, so she could see me again. I was told that, and thought, Why didn't I leave that night?
She's lived with us since the beginning. She took care of me and my siblings well. She put the fear in us good. (using her "talons" to get the point across) She taught me how to play cards, got me into watching wrestling every week, she brought a smile to my face, and I always did or said something to make her laugh, and feel better. I'll always miss her, and it'll never be the same.
There is a happy ending in this. A week later, we found out my sister was pregnant, and now my family has the most adorable and cute baby you'd ever see. Now my parents are grandparents, and I'm an uncle. Twice. (My older brother and sister-in-law had a baby boy)
My thoughts go out to all who've had such horrible losses in their lives.
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 6:57 pm
...
I lost my mother's father when I was 4. I barely remember him.
Next, I lost my father's father. I must have been around 14. It was sad, but he had suffered from dementia (not to mention other ailments) for so long that he had the mentality of a child and was suffering a great deal...so it was probably for the best.
I did not expect my mother's mother to die when I was 17. I miss her dearly. She was one of the only people in the world who I felt truly cared about me. She didn't care that I was queer, or if I dyed my hair pink, or anything. She accepted me completely for who I am, no questions asked. : ( I miss her a lot.
My biological father died earlier this month after being diagnosed with pancreatic cancer only a few weeks before. Saying that we were not close is an understatement. He has not been a part of my life since I was 12, and that was my choice, not his.
I suppose I've always held him accountable for a lot of horrible experiences in my life, and now that he's gone, I'm not really sure how I feel. He wanted to see me before he died, but I didn't go. Maybe I'll regret it at some point. Maybe I should have confronted him. I don't know.
I think one of the hardest things has been that I feel like I'm supposed to feel or do certain things. When one's father dies, normally you grieve. You cry, you reminisce, you mourn...I don't know. I am not happy that he's gone. I just...don't know how to feel at all.
To be entirely honest, with the exception of my grandmother, the deaths of my pets have always bothered me much more than the deaths of people. : s I don't know why.
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Posted: Sat Feb 28, 2009 9:14 pm
I remember each and every pet I've ever lost. You're right, Taeryyn, that sometimes they are the hardest to lose. After all, there usually aren't bad memories associated with them, just lots of unconditional love, and losing them can be horrible.
I am a firm believer that we should be allowed to take bereavement leave when a pet dies. They are family members after all.
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Posted: Thu Apr 23, 2009 4:27 am
Everyone keeps dying, and it's insane. After Kailee died, Matt's grandma died. Then it was two of my mom's friends, Mike's (ex) mother-in-law, my mom's neighbor.. I almost can't keep track. There were six people, all of whom me or my mom knew. It was hard about Kailee and Grandma, but the others I hardly knew though I felt bad for my mom and the families. But then a few weeks ago Debbie died. She was a friend of mine that ran a group home. So not only did she die and leave behind friends and family, all the group home girls had to go live in other homes. I feel so bad for those poor girls. Daisy especially because she loved Debbie like a mom. Debbie also kinda raised Matt's sister-in-law who is also named Debbie. She has been so devastated and now she gets hit twice all over again. She noticed some stuff coming out of her teeth.. like colored stuff. (gross, I know) Turns out her teeth got abscess in them and she has to get ALL of them cut out or she'll die. So at twenty-something she has to get all of her teeth cut out! Not as bad as the other Debbie dying but I bet hearing that made her so much worse. So next we find out that Debbie's (Matt's sister-in-law) mom has stage four cancer. They put this thing in her chest that has to be drained and it's so bad she has Hospus coming to her house. They said she's lucky if she makes it eight months, and besides draining the thing in her chest she refuses all medical treatment. Then last week we found out that Matt's uncle may be dying too cause he has a brain tumor.
So death and the fear that someone may die has been very prevalent around here lately. All of this heartache and stress can wear people down. I just wish people didn't have to get sick or die.
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:40 am
I can't figure out if I've publicly said this or not, but.. I was talking about Halloween earlier, which reminds me of my dad. It's his birthday on Halloween..
But, anyhow, I dunno if everyone knew this or not, but my dad died. He was 44 years old. I guess the story is he wouldn't answer the door or his phone so my grandma had his friend come over to remove the door, and he was dead at his computer.. on his keyboard. He was really in love with his computer, he was a (much more successful) Webmaster like me. So I guess he died in the right place.
But as a lot of you may know, we hadn't been talking. The last conversation I had with my dad was.. I dunno. I can't even remember. The last time we "exchanged words" was on the internet back in February. But our last conversation on the phone, I won't forget it even though I can't remember when it was. We were arguing about this stupid check and he told me I was an ungrateful brat and I told him I didn't want anything to do with him anymore. After that, and our whole back and forth on the internet, he kept trying still to get me to be cool with him again. He kept e-mailing me about all these presents he wanted to give me, but he still would mention the damn check and still refuse to give in and admit he overreacted. And being my stubborn self I refused to forget about it because of his refusal to apologize.
So it was like.. the end of June, and I decided to check my myspace on my phone and I got this message from my uncle.. who I haven't talked to since.. ever. He said it was urgent, so I called the number he left and he told me the news. He died sometime in June, and due to all the speculation around his death, he still hasn't been cremated. Seriously.. they still have his body in the coroner's office or wherever the hell they do those tests at. They can't figure out whether he overdosed on meds (or other drugs) intentionally, accidentally, or if he was sold bad drugs, killed by someone by means of drugs.. or had a heart attack or something of the like. So I still don't know how he died after all this time, and it's very possible he was murdered. And we can't even put it to rest.. I still have to talk to his boss (now again my boss) and his lawyers, and we still have to cremate him somewhere and then put his ashes in some river.. I dunno which one.. but I wish the whole thing was done and over with.
I don't miss my dad in the sense that most people would, and I almost think it's worse that way. Most people can look back on the good times and all the years of memories. I have virtually nothing, and I'm full of regret. I just wish so much that I could turn back the clock. Me and my dad could have had two great years together, but I just couldn't look past all of his problems. I should have known that he wasn't all there, I should have just bit my tongue and loved him.. so much regret.
So.. that saying.. "Love your parents, cause they'll be gone some day".. or whatever it is.. just do it. Cause I would do almost anything to get back what I wasted. I'm going to try and not live in regret, you can't change the past, and you can't be nice to everyone just because some day they will die.. but someone who really loves you.. if you know that even though they may treat you like crap, if you know they love you, you need to be there for them. Sometimes people can't help who they are or even how they act. Try your best never to cut someone out of your life completely that you know loves you..
I just know that I never realized how much I loved him until it was too late. And that's the worst feeling I've ever had.
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 6:46 am
My dad.. I look so much like him.. just for those who wanted to know what he looks like. 
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 1:44 pm
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 2:08 pm
I'm very sorry for your loss, Ashley. I hope you feel better soon. And I hope everything becomes settled soon too.
*huggles*
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Posted: Sun Sep 13, 2009 6:55 am
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Posted: Tue Oct 06, 2009 12:04 am
my grandma died more than 5 years ago but i still remember her so much every story that she gave to me every joke, some times miss her so much she is more like mother for me because i spend whole day after back from play or school, i have her pic when she tsill so young old pic but pretty but i still remember her old face remember her smile heart heart love her forever
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Posted: Mon Dec 28, 2009 3:48 am
We've all experienced death.
Some are better at coping with it.
Some are hit harder by it.
One of my best friends in the world died at the beginning of 2009.
Froze to death on the river.
It hit all of us (my group of friends) so hard.
We would just go to school, sit in the library, and cry with each other.
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