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Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:33 pm
Hey guys! This is my baby that I have been working on for awhile! I only have a few chapters of it done, so I am hoping that posting it on here will push me to write moer in it. It is a religious based story, so if it offends your beliefs I apologize, although the religious bases don't come in until chapter four or five.
Anyway, I would love comments! I want to know what you guys think of my story, do you think it is original enough? Are the characters realistic? Those sorts of things. So I hope you guys enjoy!
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Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 2:36 pm
 Chapter One: To the Manner of the Visit
Marisa sucked her stomach in as the corset tightened and coiled around her. She squeezed her stomach in, holding back tears, as Cornelia, her governess, pulled the strings tighter. She dreaded the days when her mother would make her completely dress up head to toe. Of course, this occasion was more than the usual dinners were. She sighed looking down at the small letter sitting on her night stand. She had read it almost an hour earlier, but it felt the nerves that struck her when she did had been in her for hours. As Cornelia finished tying the corset, she picked the letter up and read it over again.
Dearest Marisa,
As you know my family will be in Bayryn for the week. We are hoping to make a stop and dine with you this afternoon. I am very much looking forward to seeing you and your family. I hope you have been well since we have last seen each other; it has been a very long time since we have last talked. I look forward to being able to sit down and chat with you. With hope, William
Marisa crumpled the note inside her hand as Cornelia left the room to bring in a few dress choices. Glaring into the fire, Marisa watched as the flames danced playfully. The fire warmed the room, but the second she had read the letter, Marisa swore she felt the entire room go cold. Aggressively, she threw the small piece of parchment into the flames. Within seconds, the brittle paper engulfed with flame and set ablaze.
Just the thought of William Kindley coming to her home left a bitter taste swelling in the young 18-year-old’s mouth. His family always seemed to invite themselves into her humble home on very short notice; however, an hour was a little too short of notice.
Cornelia reentered the room as quickly as she had left bringing with her two dresses. She gently laid them on the bed as if they were precious glass. Marisa didn’t take a second to look them over. She turned to face Cornelia and forced a pleasant smile, “Please, I’d like some time alone,” the words escaped her mouth emotionlessly, but Cornelia was hardly trained to notice. Instead, she slowly curtsied and left the room with nothing said.
Marisa’s smile went back to a stern and serious look the second the door was shut behind the governess. Turning to the bed, Marisa looked down at the dresses. The first was a beautiful ivory colored dress with a long sweeping v neck covered in a tight mess material. The skirt of the dress fitted rather tightly on the young girl, but the very end of the dress came out to the floor and covered her feet perfectly. It was Marisa’s favorite dress, but tonight called for nothing of favor. Tonight was to be a serious night, although that was not what William intended on.
Marisa, not the slightest bit excited with the second dress, picked it up off the bed and went over to the big full body mirror to take a look at it against her body. The one thing she did like about this dress was the fact it covered most of her good qualities. Unlike the ivory dress, this one did not bring out her piercing blue eyes or her soft golden colored hair. This dress, in its hideous emerald color, hid her eyes and, with her hair pulled off her neck the right way, hid her elegant hair. However, hiding her natural high cheek bones and porcelain skin was another task.
Her father always insisted that she would make the perfect prize to any man. Leave it to her father to make a woman a prize to a man. Of course, he was the one to come up with the idea of an arranged marriage for his only daughter. Marisa had never been into the idea of a fairy tale ending and falling in love, but an arranged marriage was not on her to-do list. She enjoyed the little independence she had, and she liked not being owned by a man.
William Kindley, or Prince William Kindley as he was better known, was a man like all the others. Like her father, he treated women as prize, Marisa as his favorite no less. William was nothing special to Marisa, although he tried eternally to be. The young prince of Trylon had no control over his soon-to-be country. His father, King Charles, still held all the power until his only son was married and ready to take the throne. Of course, he wasn’t allowed to marry just anyone. The Governor of Bayryn’s daughter was a perfect target; political, beautiful, made of money, what else would a guy want from a fiancé? Marisa hated the idea of the two being bound. It sent a cold chill up her spin, and she quickly sent the thought away from her head.
A small rapping on the door knocked her completely out of her thoughts. Gently, Marisa placed the emerald dress onto the bed and went over to her bedroom door. “Yes?” she called quietly although her voice was barely audible.
“Marisa, it is I,” her mother’s voice rang from the other side of the large oak door.
Reluctantly opening the door, Marisa let her mother, Genevieve, into her spacious room. As Marisa closed the door, she noticed how dark the room was despite the fire that was burning brightly in the fire place. Her mother must have caught her glances because it was only seconds until she was over pulling the curtains off of the balcony window.
“There,” she smiled surprisingly perky, “That is much better.” She then sat herself down on the wooden chest that was placed at the foot of the bed. “So, my dear daughter, what dress have you chosen for tonight? You do realize how important tonight is, don’t you?”
Marisa’s face fell to a slump, and she looked down at the ground before finally answering her mother, “Yes, I realize,” she replied softly, “I chose the emerald dress.”
“Oh no! That would never do!” Genevieve shrieked getting up off of the makeshift seat. She turned to the bed to look the dresses over, “No, no, no! You must wear the ivory one! It looks so splendid on you! It fits you so precise. William will be speechless when he sees you in this! And your hair! Whatever will we do with it? I know! We will put it up just so!” She scurried over to Marisa and started to play with her hair. She pulled mounds up and placed them on the very top of her head, while leaving others to lie against her back. She quickly started to pin it up. “Perfect!” She yelped when she was finished, taking a step back to admire her work. “Now there will be no doubt William will fall in love with you instantly! Oh this is a wonderful day! Such a wonderful day!”
As her mother scampered around the room, Marisa left her mind to wander. She wanted to make her parents happy by doing the things they had planned for her, but William was the opposite of anything she would ever desire. She had never seen her mother so happy about a decision the family had made before. Her father was also in much brighter moods since the word of the proposal had been sent from the Palace of Trylon to the governor’s house via the maids. It was nowhere near an arranged marriage; her mother would never approve that. No, William was to come, get down on one knee, and actually propose to Marisa, and she was to say yes, no questions asked.
She knew she had to do it, Bayryn was in no condition to say no to such an offer. However, something in her stomach, and something in her heart, told her no. Most importantly, something deeper in her head was telling her not to say yes. She heard the whispers from the maids, and every, now and then, would catch a glimpse of what they were saying. Bayryn was in worse conditions than she thought. Her father, her very own father, had found his own way into some trouble with the law. He was almost in need to resign from being governor. The latest rumor going around was the one that left Marisa most uneasy. Supposedly, the engagement was just simply a way for Marisa to get out of the trouble, and once the ordeal of the wedding was over, her father was going to go on the run.
Marisa looked over at her mother who was looking older and older every day. Grey was now covering her entire head, and her worry wrinkles were consuming her face. Marisa was not sure how much longer her mother was going to survive. The thought of a wedding pleased her mother so, but at the same time, Marisa saw how it worried her. She was almost afraid for what was going to happen to the family after the wedding and after her husband ran. Marisa knew that if she did go through with the wedding her family would spiral downward; she knew that they needed her as much as she still needed them.
Marisa’s thoughts scattered as the ivory dress was placed in her hands. “Well now, go put it on!” her mother demanded excitedly.
Marisa simply nodded and disappeared behind her large changing area which was no more than just a standing curtain. She slowly slid the dress onto her body. It fit her so perfectly, which worried her. She could only hope that William would back out of the engagement. Of course, she knew better than to expect that. William wasn’t the man to back out of anything, especially when it came to women.
“Let me see!” Genevieve’s voice shrieked from the other side of the curtain.
Marisa stepped out from behind the changing area so her mother could see her in the dress.
“Oh you are so beautiful! I have never seen such a gorgeous child in my entire life,” she quickly embraced her daughter. “William will be stunned when he sees you. It has been such a long while since you two have seen each other.”
Her mother had never been so right. The last time Marisa could recall the two meeting was when they were merely eleven, hardly old enough to remember it. From what she did remember, William was cute, and that was about the only recommendable things about him. Her tolerance for him, even then ran short, and she could only imagine how things would be now that he was older.
Standing in front of the large mirror, Marisa looked herself over. The dress was too perfectly fit for her liking, and the small chocker necklace her mother started to tie around her neck only added to its beauty. Marisa had to admit to herself that she look stunning, from head to toe. Her hair looked absolutely lovely half piled atop her head, and her porcelain skin glowed radiantly. She quickly looked away from the mirror; she couldn’t dream to think what William would have to say.
As her eyes caught view of the door, Marisa realized that Cornelia was now standing there. “Genevieve,” she started quietly, “The prince is here,”
“Good, good! Come Marisa, we must greet him properly. We must not let your father get a hold on him. No, no. We don’t want him getting caught in political conversation with your father while smoking a cigar. How terrible would that be?”
It was that instance that Marisa caught what Cornelia had said. The prince is here. What about his family. Didn’t he say in his letter that his entire family was coming into town? The letter! Where have I put that letter? If I find the letter I will surely know what he said. The fire! The letter is burned to ashes by now. There is no point to even try to read it. But, yes, the letter did say the entire family. Then why is it simply just him? Does he not want to share this moment with his family? Questions rolled through Marisa’s head as her mother and she walked down the spiral stairway.
There, standing in the foyer was Prince William Kindley. He had grown very handsome in the years that she had not seen him. He stood almost 6 foot, and carried himself very well. His green eyes sparkled in the dim light, and his black hair caught some of the light now and then and gave off a small shine of its own. Marisa couldn’t help but smile to herself almost shyly. Was this the same boy she had meet years ago, or had he changed so much? He seemed different, but only time would tell, Marisa didn’t pride herself on making judgment on a person before getting to know them, but then again, could someone change that much?
It only took seconds for William’s eyes to catch glimpse of Marisa. When he did, he looked mesmerized. After a few seconds of compete silence, William bowed. “Hello Mrs. Hutchens, Miss Hutchens.” He then stood back up straight and extended his hand to Genevieve.
She quickly took grasp of it. “Please, call her Marisa,” she replied with a smile. “She much prefers that.”
“Mother,” Marisa started walking up to her mother and standing next to her, “I can say what I prefer and what I do not prefer,” she protested, “I have a voice of my own,” She then turned her attention to William, “William,” she said quietly talking his hand.
He gripped her hand tightly, and his thumb glazed over its soft skin. “It’s been a long time, Marisa,” he started almost matching her quiet tone with his own.
Marisa felt her cheeks go blush as she pulled her hand away from William. Why did she suddenly care the slightest bit about William? She had never liked him before, and she had never even thought she would ever get along with him.
“Where is the rest of your family? I was sure that in your note you said that you all were coming, am I wrong?” Marisa asked as the three stepped into the large living room.
“No, you are correct. The letter did in fact say we were all coming down, but it seems that our plans have changed, and my mother and father have had to stay back home to deal with a few important…issues.”
“Ah, understandable,” Genevieve nodded sitting on one of the large sofas in the room. “Please, please, sit down.” William took a seat in the sofa across from Genevieve as Marisa went to go sit in one of the chairs on the side, “No, no Marisa, sit next to William! I want to look at you two together!”
That put Marisa’s mood down. Her mother was so pushy at times. Reluctantly, Marisa went and took a seat next to William. The group sat in silence until Marisa’s father, Michael, walked in.
“Hello William!” he greeted overjoyed. “How good it is to see you! I hope your family is in good health!”
“Yes, very much so, thank you!” William replied standing up to shake Michael’s hand. “They apologize for not being able to be here with you tonight,” he added sitting back down next to Marisa.
“No need for apologizes. I understand completely!” he paused for a second as if examining the two on the sofa, “My, they are lovely together,” he whispered to his wife sitting near her.
Genevieve simply nodded, “Yes, they are,” she answered in an equally hushed voice although Marisa could hear every word of what they were saying.
She sighed and let her parents go on flaunting how good the two looked together. She was worrying herself over the matter of saying no to William. She knew with her family in the unstable condition they were in she could not possibly leave them. Of course, she had little idea of what was really happening around her. She only knew what she knew from the maids, and they tended to exaggerate the truth.
“So William,” Michael started once the hushed whispers him and his wife were sharing stopped, “Trylon seems to be in much better wealth this year than last, do you not agree?”
Marisa’s eyes slightly rolled at her father’s political question. For being the daughter of the governor, she could honestly care less for the topic. Marisa looked to her father as William answered the question letting every world pass over her head. Her father too, like her mother, was starting to wear. Though he had shaved before William’s arrival, she could see the gray numbs coming out of his chin and she could practically feel the wrinkles under his eyes under her own as well. Oh how she could not possibly let her father run off once she was married. He would not make it alone; the world would eat the man alive and take him completely for granite. Marisa longed to cry out to her father at that moment, her father looked so fragile, yet he put up such a shield. Not wanting to let her face slip up on what she was thinking, she held a somber, calm look on her face.
It was only moments later that one of the maids, Marie-Anne, came in to the doorway of the parlor. “Dinner is ready Mr. and Mrs. Hutchens,” her voice was near a whisper and she left as quickly as she had appeared out of the door.
Still locked in their political conversation, Michael and William got up first and headed from the parlor into the kitchen. Marisa’s mother was not short behind them. Marisa took the opportunity to lag behind the group. She was still thinking about what she was going to do, although with every passing second the answer became more evident.
In order to get into the dining room, you had to pass by the kitchen. Marisa never understood why the house was set up this way, but by at times like this, she was happy it was set up like that.
“Shh, they will hear you,” she heard one of the maid’s hushed voice hiss at the others from the ruckus of the kitchen.
“I don’t give a darn tut if they hear what I am saying,” Bethany, the feistiest of the maids snapped back, her voice was a bit louder than the other’s although it was still rather quiet. “I’d hope that the Governor knows of his own condition.”
“Yes, well the doctor said-“ Marie-Anne started.
“The doctor also said Marisa was not going to live past the first week and look at how she has grown! Healthy and as beautiful as any other maiden in the land!” Bethany replied.
“But the doctor said it was fatal,” Marie said, “We cannot let the word of that slip to Genevieve, her heart is fragile enough thinking about her poor husband running.”
Marisa stopped in her tracks at that moment. She was a few feet away from the door of the kitchen and although her head was telling her not to go in, her heart’s desire was always much stronger. Against her better judgment, Marisa walked into the large kitchen where the maids and the cooks were talking.
“You know as well as I do that Michael is a tough cookie.” Bethany started she opened her mouth to say something more, but she stopped the second she realized Marisa standing before them. “Hello, Miss Hutchens,” She forced a smile on her face. “Dinner will be out in just a minute.”
Marisa simply stared at the women standing in front of her, “What were you saying about my father?” She asked. She knew she had never grown close to the maids, but she also knew that they would not deny her information about her own family.
“Marisa,” Marie started stepping closer to the girl. She gently took her arm and led her closer into the kitchen. “We have bad news about your father.” Her voice was completely silent and Marisa had to practically strain to hear it. “We received news from the doctor who has been seeing your father.” She took a pause and Marisa studied her eyes. She knew the words that were going to come out of her mouth already but she had to hear it for herself, “Your father’s heart is in bad condition. He could have a heart attack at any moment.”
Marisa looked down at the tiled ground. She couldn’t face the fact that her father was practically on the verge of death. “And what about the money condition?” she asked.
Marie looked somewhat sad for a moment or two. She tried to hide her face from Marisa for a moment. Marisa knew the answer within seconds.
“There is no money is there?” Marisa’s voice was quiet. She felt as if her voice had left her. How could she not know of such a condition as the one her family had fallen to?
Marie shook her head but Bethany answered the question, “There is money. Not much, but there is money. You father has spent much of it trying to pay off the government. And the doctors who have been coming to care for you dear father have been eating it all,” Bethany’s face, which no matter the circumstance always looked tough, looked solemn and fragile for once.
“We are afraid, that if you marry Prince William,” Marie started again not even looking Marisa in the eyes, “You’re father will leave your mother and run for everyone’s own protection. He won’t do it while you are here because he fears for your protection here without him.” Marie explained quietly.
Marisa was somewhat confused. Her father was going to let her marry a man and move away with him but he was afraid to leave her alone in the house they were, and had been, living in? “So if I don’t marry William, my father will stay?”
Marie nodded in agreement, “That is what we strongly believe will happen.” She bit down on her bottom lip and Marisa knew she was searching for something more to say to the young bride to be. “There is something else you need to know about marrying William. I am sure you already know, deep in your heart, and we all hope you have no real connection to this man because you cannot marry him.”
Marisa heart jolted a little at the sound of the bad news. Oddly, she was happy to hear a reason she shouldn’t marry William, it would give her a good reason to say no to the proposal and stay with her family somewhat longer. “Well, what is it?” Marisa asked a bit anxious to find out what the news was for herself.
“Maybe you should hear it from the girl who heard it herself,” Marie replied and stepped aside. There stood the house’s newest maid, Kylee. Kylee was small, simply at age 14. Her hair was a darker blonde than Marisa’s, almost an almond brown. She was a lovely girl, but Marisa had never seen her for more than five minutes at a time around the house. She had come a few months ago from Prince William’s castle to work for Marisa’s own family. The second she saw the girl, Marisa had a feeling she knew why William had sent her to the family.
Kylee cleared her throat, obviously nervous about the idea of sharing her secret with Marisa, the girl who currently employed her. “As you know,” she started. Her voice was almost as quiet as a mouse and Marisa had to strain to hear her. “I came from Prince William’s castle to work for you. But it was not because I was fired or because I thought I could find better work here. No, I was sent, by William himself. He wanted me to keep an eye on your family. You see, Marisa, he knew about your father’s financial trouble, his father wanted him to help, but instead he chose that he would rather watch your family suffer.” Obviously Marisa’s face held a very confused look because the girl stopped for a second and asked, “Do you understand?”
Marisa simply nodded wanting the girl to continue the story.
“Well, William plans to tell your family tonight that there is a way to get rid of the debt. If you accept his proposal. Now, he knows you parents already want you to marry him, but he knows you too well to know you will be wary about it. He hopes that this will pull you in. But the thing is, he doesn’t want you for you, you are the only way he will become king. And he doesn’t plan on taking the debt away from your father afterwards.”
It took Marisa at least a minute to sink in. It all seemed to children story book for reality.
“So he hasn’t really changed,” Marisa replied quietly pointing out the obvious. She knew it was too good to be true that a man like William would change any bit, she was only hoping it was true. “But I have just one more question, why me?”
Kylee let out a small but exasperating sigh, “His parent’s have an interest in you and you only,” was all she could answer.
“But you see Marisa,” Marie started, “You cannot accept this man’s proposal, it will cause your father to run, your father who cannot handle being alone with his heart condition. You have to at least keep your family together a few months longer,”
Marisa understood the dire need for her family to stay together. She now understood the prince’s all too evil intentions. He only wanted a crown, he wanted to destroy Marisa’s family, for a reason that she did not yet know. He only wanted a kingdom and she wasn’t about to let that kingdom go to such a twisted man. She was going to keep her family together, even if they went bankrupt doing so. She loved them too much to let them go.
“Marisa!” Genevieve’s voice called from the Dining room, “Marisa, where are you?”
Looking over her shoulder towards the dining area, Marisa called back, “I am coming Mother, I lost my necklace on the floor and needed to find it.” She was lying through her teeth, but she had to, there was no other option. She then turned back to the maids, “Thank you for your information. What needs done will be taken care of tonight.” Without anymore being said, Marisa turned from the group and walked into the dining room.
The large oak table sat in the middle of the room already set for only four people. Marisa’s father sat at the head of the table looking somewhat dominate for a sickly person. She was proud of the way he held himself, the way he always looked dignified. Her mother sat at one end of the table, William sat across from her with a spot saved for Marisa next to him. Letting out a small groan, Marisa took her place next to William. It was only seconds before Marie had come behind her with salads for first course.
Dinner was silent, no one said much. Tension was high around everyone; Marisa did not look at William once. Her fear grew with every passing second. How was she going to be able to say no to a man like Prince William of Trylon? She knew her parents would be angry with her, but she had to do what needed to be done, for the good of her family, and most importantly, for the good of Trylon.
Once he was done with his desert, William set his fork down across his desert plate. First looking at Genevieve, then Michael, his eyes finally laid at Marisa. A cold chill went down her spin and she let out a small shudder.
“Michael, Genevieve, can I have a few moments alone with Marisa?” William asked a smile playing across his face.
Marisa’s mother’s smile erupted in excitement, “Of course!” Without delay she was already at the doorframe waiting for Michael to follow her, “Come honey, let us leave the two alone.” She then disappeared around the corner. Marisa only hoped that they would both go out of earshot of the two. She did not want them to hear what was about to be said. She knew it would break her mother’s own heart.
When Michael was out of the room, William looked around to make sure there were no unwanted guests. “Dear Marisa,” he started sounding absolutely charming “I have an important question to ask of you.”
Marisa’s heart began sinking in her chest. She lost all breath from her body which was now turning completely numb.
William pulled a medium sized black velvet jewelry box from his inside jacket pocket. Marisa’s face went completely white. He slowly got down on one knee holding the box in his hands. “Marisa, will you be my bride?” He asked slowly opening the box. There in front of her laid the most beautiful necklace she had ever seen in her life. The necklace itself was bulky, almost oversized. Marisa couldn’t imagine how many carrots of gold it was made of, and she could not imagine how expensive it was. There was a large gemstone in the middle surrounded by smaller ones up the sides. It was extremely bright and extremely radiant. The elegance left Marisa more breathless than she already was. All that could come out of her mouth was a small gasp.
Before waiting for an answer from Marisa, William stood on his feet and walked behind Marisa. He draped the necklace around her neck and clasped it giving Marisa an even harder way to say no. A sick feeling was rising in her stomach she wanted to run away and pretend that the question had never been posed. William set his hands on Marisa’s shoulders and lightly massaged her. “Only the most beautiful necklace for the most beautiful girl in Trylon,” his voice sounded so false and yet so well acted that he almost did sounded sincere.
Marisa had to end the masquerade that was happening before her own eyes. Turning to William, she placed her hand on the necklace. “William,” she started breathlessly.
“Shh.” He replied laying a hand on her own, “Don’t ruin the moment,” he whispered.
Marisa had to end it. It wasn’t true, he was lying to her, and he only needed her for the crown. “William, I can’t marry you.”
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Shanra the Dragon Bard Vice Captain
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Posted: Wed Feb 18, 2009 9:02 pm
A very good start to an interesting story. It needs a good bit of editing to correct a few things, but I'm hooked.
I'm curious as to the time period the story is set in. I got the feeling it's before the machine age, and that they are still using coaches and horses for transportation. If that's correct, then there were a few things that didn't fit for the time period.
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Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 3:20 pm
Shanra the Dragon Bard A very good start to an interesting story. It needs a good bit of editing to correct a few things, but I'm hooked.
I'm curious as to the time period the story is set in. I got the feeling it's before the machine age, and that they are still using coaches and horses for transportation. If that's correct, then there were a few things that didn't fit for the time period. Thank you Shanra. I hadn't even thought about the time periods clashing! I was going for a before the machine age sort of thing, but I obviously still have A LOT of research that has to be done! It is still in a sort of editing process, and the writing process, so I will be doing research now as I go. Thanks for pointing that out.
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