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 Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 6:35 pm
Haia there! This is my story, obviously, and it is 19 pages long in my note book, but far from completed. I won't be writing it all on here right now, cause that would be hard seeing how long it is ( xp ) but here is my start. I'll be writing more as time progresses. smile
It may not seem so, but believe it or not this story is so special to me because it was influenced almost entirely by music. Celtic Woman, Spirit, Stallion of the Cimarron sound track, all lead up to this story. Hope you like! smile
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Keira skulked home after an exhausting day at school. Sure, it was the last day of school, but she had done it so many times. What was the point in continuing to do it over and over again? Her grades were straight A's, because she had done the same thing over and over again for... what now... 73 years? And that was only in the seventh grade. Pouting, she continued home, to a rather disturbing place of rot and mold. Sure, an abandoned house was her type, quiet... secretive... old... yet Keira longed for more. A grand house of gold and silver stairs, delicious meals 24/7, and never having to worry about getting sick and dying from pneumonia in the bitter cold even Summer offered. Daydreaming, Keira dropped off into a light sleep. It was an odd dream, for sure, as Keira could never be sure if she actually had it later.
All at once it showed a van going down the dirt path. Then a crystal-clear voice spoke, it was elegant yet refined. It must have belonged to a very exotic woman to sound like this. But there was also a great deal of sadness in the voice, that was certain. "Keira?" The voice asked wearily. "Is that you?"
"Y-y-yes. I am Keira," Keira replied. Wait... had Keira just talked? "Oh, how long I have waited for you... to hear you beautiful voice... I am Jillian, my dear, heed my warning." Jillian cautioned. "I-I-I don't know what is going on!" Keira squealed with dismay. Jillian's voice teemed with dismay. "Is that so..." it wasn't a question. "No matter, listen closely. This warning will determine your fate as a Xix." Jillian was all-business now. A Xix? What is a Xix? Keira wondered. "Soon the others will be arriving to meet you. Be ready, because this is the start of your dangerous quest. Stay with them, do not venture off on your own, and you will stay safe. Follow my instructions, and you may once again be a mighty ruler, as you were destined to be. Stick to your senses, and live by what comes, and the evil shall perish. Do not deny your fate, grasp it with a loving embrace, and your task will be just so much easier..." Jillian's voice began to fade. Keira woke up suddenly, sweat dripping down her face like water.
Keira couldn't stop thinking about Jillian. The name ran through her mind until it was like a sticky sap, stuck there forever and ever. And what was all this about... Xix? What was a Xix? Was she a Xix? How could you tell? Is that why she was...... still here? Why she has lived for so long? She couldn't shake off the feeling that that was why. In the midst of her dwelling thoughts, she was interrupted by a loud roar. Keira was especially surprised by this because as far as she could remember, no human being had used the road near her house since horse carriages had turned into cars. Keira was definitely curious, so she wandered outside to look for what was causing that noise. Coming down the path was a large van, looking like a school bus. Keira waved to it, in hope to stop it. It worked. The van came to a screeching halt. To Keira's amazement, six people came out. She wondered why they would need such a large automobile for six people. "What are you people doing on my property?" she demanded. That was Keira, always complaining and being grumpy. The oldest one walked up to Keira. "Excuse our intruding, ma'am, we were wondering if you happen to know a young girl who goes by the name of 'Keira Emil'," he said calmly. Keira replied bitterly, "Yea, but she isn't exactly a 'young girl', you idiots."
"Forgive us."
"No."
"Um..." the older man looked surprised. Keira laughed forcefully. "Well, I take it you aren't used to having an apology shot down. No matter, tell me, what is it you came here for? What do you want with me?" she demanded. Keira guessed the man had known she was Keira all along. "Well, you are a difficult one, now aren't you. Anyway, we'd better introduce ourselves. See over here is-" the man started. "Whoa!" Keira interrupted. "Do you seriously think you cam just come in here and act like this is your home?" she raged. The man looked taken back and replied, "Forgive us, we were only introducing ourselves..." Keira's temper continued to rise. "I don't want your apologies, I want you to leave!" she yelled. "But we cannot!" another one from the group yelled back. "You are the last Xix, are you not?" she demanded. Keira immediately settled down. "Wait... so you guys are..." she trailed off. "Yes!" the man said with frustration. "Now may we introduce ourselves?" he asked. Keira shrugged slightly, looking away, and replied in a voice barely more than a whisper "You don't need my permission, you idiots."
First Question:
Do my characters have enough personality?
Second Question:
Does the story look like it is going any where good?
Third Question:
Is the beginning well written? (for more of the beginning, see the white colored typing)
( Xix- Zicks )
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Posted: Tue Feb 17, 2009 11:31 am
Alright. First, I want to say that all criticism is meant in the best and most helpful ways. Afterall, I'd love it if someone told me what to do better so that I could improve. And remember, this is just my opinion and might mean nothing. I mean, god. x3 I'm just a teenager so what do I know?
Anyway, the idea seems like a good one. That's always a very good start and I'm glad to see that you have so much of it written, but I think the start could be stronger. Keep going with how Keira's home life and emphasize the monotony of school a little more. Either that, or start with the dream in the first place as a kind of prologue. As it is, it seems a bit rushed.
In the dream, the dialogue gets confusing because of a lack of correct gramatical format. I'm a stickler for correct gramattical format. xP It's supposed to be a new paragraph everytime someone new says something, that way it's not confusing and jumbled together and it just seems to breathe easier. I have a friend that does that, but puts the person's actions or how they say it before the paragraph break so it gets really confusing. Anyway, point it, that correct paragraph breaks should be used.
Oh, and the phrase "that would change her life forever" is a bit cliche. And starting off within the third paragraph of getting into "What is a Xix?" is a really rushed and confusing concept. I actually think that it would probably be better to cut out the dream entirely and keep going with her normal life so we have time to connect with the character.
And of course, I"m a complete hypocrite because a lot of times I can't follow my own rules. xP So don't listen to me too much.
Anyway, I hope I helped and I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or flame or anything. I just want to help in anyway that I can because everyone always has room to get better. Again, the concept and idea were very intriguing and sounded original, so I'd like to see more of it.
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Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 6:27 pm
saritasunshine Alright. First, I want to say that all criticism is meant in the best and most helpful ways. Afterall, I'd love it if someone told me what to do better so that I could improve. And remember, this is just my opinion and might mean nothing. I mean, god. x3 I'm just a teenager so what do I know? Anyway, the idea seems like a good one. That's always a very good start and I'm glad to see that you have so much of it written, but I think the start could be stronger. Keep going with how Keira's home life and emphasize the monotony of school a little more. Either that, or start with the dream in the first place as a kind of prologue. As it is, it seems a bit rushed. In the dream, the dialogue gets confusing because of a lack of correct gramatical format. I'm a stickler for correct gramattical format. xP It's supposed to be a new paragraph everytime someone new says something, that way it's not confusing and jumbled together and it just seems to breathe easier. I have a friend that does that, but puts the person's actions or how they say it before the paragraph break so it gets really confusing. Anyway, point it, that correct paragraph breaks should be used. Oh, and the phrase "that would change her life forever" is a bit cliche. And starting off within the third paragraph of getting into "What is a Xix?" is a really rushed and confusing concept. I actually think that it would probably be better to cut out the dream entirely and keep going with her normal life so we have time to connect with the character. And of course, I"m a complete hypocrite because a lot of times I can't follow my own rules. xP So don't listen to me too much. Anyway, I hope I helped and I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings or flame or anything. I just want to help in anyway that I can because everyone always has room to get better. Again, the concept and idea were very intriguing and sounded original, so I'd like to see more of it. Thank you for the suggestions! 3nodding I'll probably have to make some major changes. Thanks again! smile
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 8:45 am
saritasunshine In the dream, the dialogue gets confusing because of a lack of correct gramatical format. I'm a stickler for correct gramattical format. xP It's supposed to be a new paragraph everytime someone new says something, that way it's not confusing and jumbled together and it just seems to breathe easier. I have a friend that does that, but puts the person's actions or how they say it before the paragraph break so it gets really confusing. Anyway, point it, that correct paragraph breaks should be used. Well, on Gaia it isn't too easy to tab... and I like using double spaces for change of topic sorts of things....
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Posted: Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:50 pm
redrox123 saritasunshine In the dream, the dialogue gets confusing because of a lack of correct gramatical format. I'm a stickler for correct gramattical format. xP It's supposed to be a new paragraph everytime someone new says something, that way it's not confusing and jumbled together and it just seems to breathe easier. I have a friend that does that, but puts the person's actions or how they say it before the paragraph break so it gets really confusing. Anyway, point it, that correct paragraph breaks should be used. Well, on Gaia it isn't too easy to tab... and I like using double spaces for change of topic sorts of things.... Huh? Oh, I didn't mean tab, I mean paragraph breaks for different people talking. It just seems to make dialogue flow easier in my opinion, and your editing did a lot for your story. It's a very nice prologue. I'd give it a 8/10, but that's just because I'm a harsh judge.
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Posted: Sat Mar 07, 2009 7:15 pm
saritasunshine redrox123 saritasunshine In the dream, the dialogue gets confusing because of a lack of correct gramatical format. I'm a stickler for correct gramattical format. xP It's supposed to be a new paragraph everytime someone new says something, that way it's not confusing and jumbled together and it just seems to breathe easier. I have a friend that does that, but puts the person's actions or how they say it before the paragraph break so it gets really confusing. Anyway, point it, that correct paragraph breaks should be used. Well, on Gaia it isn't too easy to tab... and I like using double spaces for change of topic sorts of things.... Huh? Oh, I didn't mean tab, I mean paragraph breaks for different people talking. It just seems to make dialogue flow easier in my opinion, and your editing did a lot for your story. It's a very nice prologue. I'd give it a 8/10, but that's just because I'm a harsh judge. Well, thank you! I keep telling myself to type more.... but I am just never seemingly in the mood.
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Posted: Fri Mar 27, 2009 7:47 pm
Okay, haven't I told you that before, redrox? I mean, told you that your supposed to have a whole new paragraph when people talk. Yes, I did, but you didn't change and I just left it, and that was a while ago so you've probably forgotten... knowing you. LOL! jk! xd Yah, I always, always have problems with rushing my story. It always seems to go too quick, no matter how hard I try. Oh, and critique: Quote: Keira squealed with dismay. Jillian's voice teemed with dismay. That sounds kind of weird, if you say it out loud. Try using a different word the second time, other then dismay. 'Kay? biggrin
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