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 Posted: Sun Feb 08, 2009 8:10 am
Uddhava wasn't coping all that well.
His waking hours were like a lonely, terrible nighmare where nothing ever good seemed to come from anything. The world was strange and there were no friendly faces to greet him. Nothing but red, black and white, vivid images that showed how much he stood out. Showed that he truly didn't belong here.
Then, with sleep came the real nightmares. Horrible twisted images born from that terrible day when his mother had been attacked. He saw strange lions flitting in the darkness, swarming in on him and his mother. Then they snatched her away and she would call out his name...
Uddhava...
And again he was forced to relive that moment when he'd lost her. That terrible, horrible moment when the light had left her eyes and he knew she was gone. Lost to him forever.
And his heart ached and when he woke his eyes were filled with tears and the sobs could not be controlled.
Sometimes the loss was so bad he wanted to do nothing more but curl up and die. To follow her into that place of nothingness. But he was afraid of that, too. He was afraid of everything.
This morning he woke from his nightmares with a jerk, panic lacing every line of his little face. He searched the darkness of this den, hoping to see Yin-Li or his brother close by. Close enough that he could just crawl over and seek comfort from their closeness.
A little mewling sound escaped his throat.
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 12:20 am
There was a side to him that Azarax did not generally allow others to see. That slightly more cautious, more vulnerable side to him that existed, but received little attention or acknowledgement. Because ever since he could remember, it had been easier that way. The little slave that cowered timidly behind a rock was much more likely to be picked on and made a sport of than the one that sat wordlessly in the shadows with a fierce gleam to its eye.
With the exception of Yin, he had never let anyone close to the softer side of him, and even that had lasted only a little while. Their second reunion had been much different from the first, he knew. He was more distant, less open - and even more so now that his mother was gone. Whatever he thought of her, Ripuka was still his mother, after all.
Yet, much as he tried to keep that side of him - that broken, silently mourning side - buried, he had no control over his dreams. And each night, ever since that fateful day, he had to but close his eyes, and there Ripuka was, a fiery image burned into his mind. She never spoke, never truly did anything but sit there, silently, watching him with her one golden eye. And he would cry out and reach for her image, knowing even in his sleep that she wasn't there.
Because he needed answers. He needed to know what had happened that day she had staggered across their border with the little golden cub. He needed it, so he could satisfy that burning thirst for revenge that lingered about unrelentlessly, day in and day out.
The tan General's muscled body twitched, and a small growl emanated from his lips as a frown flitted over his closed eyes. Mother. Mother, come back. Even as the images began to fade before his eyes, he knew that he would rather force himself back into wakefulness than face the mere imagination of losing her again.
A gentle, desperate mewl reached Azarax's ears. Immediately, his eyes opened and searched the darkness for the little golden cub he knew was nearby. Uddhava. The little brother that, ever since the day they had met, the lion had developed an incredibly strong sense of protectiveness for. The cub was so lost, so confused, so hurt all the time that Azarax couldn't help but feel the urge to dig his claws into anyone who so much as looked at Uddhava the wrong way.
"Uddhava," He murmured into the slowly brightening darkness of the cave. "Come here, Uddhava."
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Posted: Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:04 am
With a small whimper, Uddhava complied, and gladly. Better to be with this big, sandy-coloured brother than to be all alone in this strange place. Besides, like him, Azarax looked different as far as appearances were concerned. Yes, he had traces of red on him, but he was like the desert just as Uddhava was like the sun. As far as he was concerned, that made him far better than anyone else here.
He was fed up with red, black and white. Fed up with being stared at because he stuck out like a sore thumb. He just wanted to blend in, to walk on by without people stopping and staring. He just wanted to be ignored. Uddhava was not very good at standing up for himself and certainly did not want to be the centre of attention all of the time. But with his dramatic entrance to this new land, there was no doubt about it. He was the latest gossip.
That name, too. It was an odd thing, to be given a name. To know that you had a word for yourself alone. A word that was you, what people knew you by. For so long he had lived with nicknames, affectionate teasing names, that he'd not dared to dream he'd eventually be given a proper one. And his mother had given it to him, right before the end. He'd realised then, at that very moment, that his mother did love him and that the world was more complicated than he had first imagined. That, in death, whatever had been holding Ripuka back from naming him had been taken away.
He wondered, too, why this lion was living in this strange land. Why he wasn't with his family back in the Safi with that dark lioness, Jua, who was supposed to have been his older sister. He wanted to ask, but he didn't feel confident enough yet to breach the subject.
"Bad dream." He whispered, moving over to his brother's side and pressing himself to his foreleg.
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Posted: Tue Feb 10, 2009 2:43 am
"You and me both, little one." He shifted as he drew the golden cub into the warmth that emanated both from himself and Yin, careful not to wake the sleeping lioness. It was early, yet, for anyone to already be stirring.
Uddhava was golden, truly golden, he had been told. Burned bright as the sun, as opposed to the tamer tan that made up most of Azarax's own coat. Like the Pridelands... He remembered thinking to himself one night as he had watched the cub curled up in sleep. At least, in description, that was what he had connected together. So Jua had been right. He had never had any cause to doubt her words that fateful day of the rebellion, but in that same token, hehad never had cause to believe them either. Simply, they had rested at the back of his mind, trivia that simply was, that he never quite thought about.
The cub stood out here. He was so completely different, in looks as well as in temper, that Azarax couldn't help but wonder how he fared outside of the den, amongst the other cubs. Someday, when Uddhava was older, Azarax would recount the difficult history that made up the Firekin, and his own experiences too perhaps. But that was for a day somewhere along in the future, when the tragedies that had transpired but such a short while ago were behind both of them.
"It will get better, you know," He told Uddhava, though he knew that perhaps at this point, the cub might not understand how that could remotely be so. "It won't go away, but... it does get easier." Somewhat, at least. Eventually, it got to a point where the hollow pain of loss and loneliness faded to a dull ache that, as each day passed, got easier to ignore, or at least to live with. He understood that hurt and confusion that Uddhava was going through, and he knew that most likely, by the time the golden cub had grown up, his memory of Ripuka would be but a faint imprint.
But that memory would never fade. At least, not if Azarax could do anything about it. Uddhava had to remember, had to realize, the extent of his mother's sacrifice for him. That despite everything, she loved him, and that alone meant that, no matter what anyone else might ever say, Uddhava was as Firekin as any other lion in the desert.
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Posted: Thu Feb 12, 2009 10:49 am
"You too?" He squeaked quietly. He wasn't sure why, but it comforted him to know he wasn't the only one being haunted in his sleep by that terrible day. Comforted him to know that someone understood what he was going through. That alone was enough to allow him to trust this strange brother. For Azarax was strange compared to his other siblings. The others had been fiery and enthusiastic and conveyed their emotions openly. Yet Azarax was quiet in a way that made Udd wonder what sort of life he had had and why he was living on the 'other side'.
Not that Uddhava understood truly what the 'other side' was. He understood and knew nothing about the rebellion or the divide in the pride. Well, actually, he did. His mother had told him the story when he'd been only a few weeks old. But that's what it was to him. A story. It wasn't real.
Uddhava, was in fact, getting on okay out there alone in the desert. Yes, he hadn't made too many friends and there had indeed been spiteful words and bullying. Yet, he had made companions too. Not close companions, not lions he would come to miss when the time came for him to depart. But he trusted them and knew he would be safe with them. But he never felt as safe as when he was with his brother.
He shook his head sadly. "How?"
It was an odd feeling, really, odd in the fact that he wanted the pain to go away, wanted to forget all this terrible sadness and move on. But at the same time he didn't want to let go. He wanted to wallow in his grief and remember it for the incident had changed everything. Besides, his brothers and sisters didn't know. He had to tell them and until then he couldn't let go.
Not yet.
"But...Mama isn't coming back. Daddy and others will be sad. They won't even know. I should tell them but...I don't know where to find them."
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Posted: Sun Feb 15, 2009 12:47 am
Azarax nodded. Something about Uddhava made it easier - indeed, possible - for him to talk to about what had happened. It was a strange notion, he knew, given that he had only just met the cub, and anyone else he could have chosen to talk to, he had known for far longer. But it wasn't anything quite the simple. He knew Yin wanted to help, he knew she wanted to know why he had... changed, somewhat. She wanted to know what was wrong, and while the answer to that was simple enough, everything else was not.
It was most likely the fact that he knew Uddhava understood what Azarax was going through, just as Azarax did the cub. If he was to tell the little golden cub how strange it was, the thought that Ripuka was simply... gone, he was sure Uddhava would understand completely. Anyone else would sympathize, they would realize what was happening, but nobody would have the same understanding.
"I don't really know how," He said truthfully. "But somehow... time, it just helps. It stops hurting so much after a while." He didn't truly know when. Only that it did, and in time, it would become a silent burden. One that, perhaps, was impossible to be rid of, but it was also one that he wouldn't want to be rid of. Perhaps Uddhava would be different, but for Azarax, there was something in holding on to the threads that seemed to keep him grounded and functioning.
"I..." He wondered what to say in response to the cub's words. It was no time to be telling him that not only was his mother gone, but he wouldn't be seeing the rest of his family again. And yet, he knew that until the cub understood that, there was no moving on. He wouldn't be letting go of the past until he realized it was just that. Past. "Uddhava, listen to me." He said finally. "You can't go back to where you came from. It's not... safe there."
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Posted: Mon Feb 16, 2009 11:46 am
The cub was silent for a long time, listening to the sound of his brother's voice. Whilst the siblings were different in some ways, they were similar in others. Both of them had that quiet thoughtfulness about them and it wa clear that little Uddhava was thinking now. And though no words came it was clear from his expression that he was listening very intently, trying his hardest to understand.
He hated feeling this way, hated this terrible grief, but he also wanted it forever. He thought, somehow, he'd lose a part of himself if he ever lost that sadness.
"Why? It was safe. Me and my brothers and sisters were okay. Mama was okay too until she left with me..." He shook his head. "It wasn't so far...I could make it if I tried. I know I could." He blinked his eyes and then a confused expression fell upon his little face. "I...don't understand...I..." And then he recalled something from his memories, a snippet from that moment in time when he'd said goodbye to his father...
"Dada. Don't...don't let Mama take me 'way."
"I'm sorry, son... She has to...It's for your safety... For everybody's safety..."
His mother had told him more on the way here, but he had been so filled with sadness and fear for the loss of his den and his siblings and father that they could barely be recalled now. All he truly knew was that his mother's voice had been terribly sad and that he had absorbed that emotion so that it weighed heavy on his heart. He remembered something else now, too. She'd mentioned Azarax's name. He remembered it because it was a word he had not heard before and it sounded a little odd in his mind.
He tipped his head up.
"Mama...told me something when she was bringing me here." It hurt to recall the moment but he knew he had to continue. "She said...she said she was doing to me what she'd done to my brother, Azarax. To you. Were you brought here, too? Why are we here? Why isn't it safe at home?" He was shaking, remembering his fathers words.
For everybody's safety...
"Dada....Dada said I had to go...for my safety. For everyone's. What did he mean?" Tears filled his eyes and his shaking grew frantic. He didn't understand the politics of the land and had been told nothing of the situation between the prides and the not knowing frightened him.
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Posted: Thu Feb 19, 2009 2:29 am
Azarax hesitated, wondering if he should explain. It only made sense for him to answer the little cub's questions, but he had to wonder if it was the right time, the right place... The history of the Firekin, the traditions, none of it was at all simple, and he wasn't particularly confident in his abilities to explain in a way that Uddhava would understand completely.
But it was unfair to keep him in the darkness any longer, leave the cub unable to figure out why everything that had happened to him in his short life had happened.
He took a breath, seeking a place to start. "It's difficult," He began. "And it might be confusing..." He glanced down at the trembling cub and into his tear-filled eyes. "Traditionally, the Firekin - our kind - are really very elitist. That is, they thought they were better than everyone else, because they thought that they were descended from a goddess - Finar-si. They thought it gave them the right to look down on everyone else who wasn't descended from them, or even anyone that simply didn't look like them. Anyone not red, white, or black. And they enslaved any of these 'weaker' lions as they wanted."
He hesitated once more. "Rip- Mama, she knew how unforgiving they were. Me, she left me with some slaves to raise me. And you, she brought here." His eyes met the cub's somberly. "They would have killed us otherwise, you see. We're... different, you and I. And even if that doesn't mean much to us, or to her, it means a lot to the rest of them.
"But it's a little different for you." He added. "There was a rebellion, you see. Led by Kidondo - that big red lion who was there the day... the day you came. And we, the rebels, we won the war and split the pride into two. Here, it's much less brutal. It's safe here."
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Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 10:04 am
His attention was fully on Azarax now. He could feel an odd trembling in his chest, leaking up into his heart. He felt torn, almost as if he didn't want to know the truth of it. Then the bigger lion spoke and he felt the shivering in his body calm a little. He had to know, even if it was confusing, even if he wouldn't properly understand. He had to know.
And the words came and Uddhava found that they were familiar. Different and yet...it was as if he'd heard them before. Or a variation of them, anyway. Lions who wouldn't accept anyone but true Firekin. He knew this. He'd heard this before...sometime that seemed distant now.
But here came a part he hadn't heard before. The reason why Azarax was here, why he was not with the others. "Slave." He repeated. He'd heard the word maybe once or twice before but he didn't truly understand its meaning. All he knew was that you didn't want to be one. But, it seemed that his mother had done this before, with another cub. Given him away just like that. Only this time it had taken her life.
"So...where my brothers and sisters are...it's not safe for you or me. Because...we're not red." He'd always known it. Always known he had a fault, that he was different. A sickening feeling of sadness overwhelmed him and he nodded slowly. Then Azarax continued and his ears lifted again. Kidondo. Big red lion. Yes, he thought he remembered him. His roar. Yes, he would remember that terrible sound for as long as he lived.
"Azarax..." He spoke softly. "Mama...Mama told me this." He whispered. "When I was very small she told us a story. She said it was a story. Not real life. She said that the Red Prince fought in a vicious battle. She said that those who did not like...rogues...they went away. Mama was one of them, wasn't she? But she loved us. Why did she go? Why not stay with Kidondo...then...then she wouldn't be gone."
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Posted: Tue Feb 24, 2009 4:47 am
((... scream Gaia just ate my post, and now I'm so pissed I can't rewrite it. Sorry this is taking so long, but watch this space, post shall be up ASAP xD;; ))
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Posted: Sun Mar 01, 2009 6:52 am
He nodded as the little cub spoke. Much as he knew such a revelation would hurt, it was the reality of both his and Uddhava's existences, and while none of it was in any way their fault, they had to deal with the consequences. For Azarax, it had become just one of those things that happened in life, that couldn't be changed, that had to be dealt with. In time, he was sure, Uddhava would come to regard his differences in the same way, but until then, it would be a bit of a struggle to grasp the reason behind it all.
And that was it. There was no reason. There was no rhyme nor reason to the way the Traditionalists had seen things, and regardless of how much any of them wished it would change, the fact was tha tit wouldn't. There was nothing to be done about it than to simply deal.
He shook his head gently. "Mother, she was always going to go with the Firekin, regardless of who won or lost." He said, his voice tinged with sadness. And yet, it was who she was. She was Ripuka. None of them would have expected anything less of her. "I wasn't born then, but... I think it broke her heart when Kidondo turned away from her teachings." He didn't know, but he had heard enough to deduct as much.
"I know it isn't fair," He added. "But sometimes... the worst things can turn into something good. Uddhava, you just wait, someday, somehow, you'll find a way to see the good in all this. Even if it doesn't seem like it just now."
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Posted: Wed Mar 04, 2009 10:43 am
There was so much he didn't understand. Politics were beyond him and certainly the thoughts and motives that drew lions onto their path - even if they knew it was the wrong one. He probably would never understand the mental battles that had taken place or the pain those decisions had made. But he knew his mother and his family weren't bad lions. Maybe someday everyone could be reunited once again.
"Mama was sad." He replied softly, thinking back on it now. "There were lots of sad smiles." He lifted his head and rubbed at his nose sadly. "Poor Mama."
He nodded softly. "I hope so. Mama wouldn't want me to be sad. You either. We should try and be happy...for her." And with a small smile he moved closer to his brother, finding in this tan lion a kindred spirit.
"Now I know why she wanted me to come stay with you."
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Posted: Thu Mar 05, 2009 1:35 am
"Yeah..." He nodded his head slightly. "Poor Mama." If he lived to be a hundred, Azarax knew he would never be able to figure her out. He had learned long ago that nobody was what they appeared on the surface, that there were layers upon layers to someone's personality, and that he of all creatures was in no position to judge. Indeed, none of them had any right to do such a thing.
It was more than simply layers with Ripuka, though. It was something much more than that that surrounded her, an impenetrable shield of mystery that nobody could break through. Granted, he had seen her face to face but a mere three times in his life, so perhaps that was a part of it. Mere words, he knew, conveyed less than sights and sounds ever could, and yet he felt that he was right.
"No, she wouldn't want us to be sad," He agreed with a thoughtful half smile. "She was willing to sacrifice her life for yours. So that you could have a chance to live too." The enormity of such a thing still struck him. He wasn't a parent - he didn't understand that full, unconditional love a mother has for her child, and he didn't expect to understand. "That's what love is, Uddhava." He added, and though he had adressed the little golden cub, his words seemed to be projected toward all of them in the den.
And it didn't make things any easier. The fact that they still had to cope with the death that lingered on their minds constantly wasn't any easier to bear, but at least some sort of light seemed to be peaking up over the horizon now. That little smile on Uddhava's face, that was a sign. A sign that they would all pull through, a little worse for wear, but still going strong.
They were Firekin. They would get through it.
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