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 Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 4:46 pm
Lately, I'm starting to think that I'm asexual or pretty damn close to it. I have no desire for sex, kissing, or anything. The idea of it doesn't appeal to me and sometimes just the thought of it is pretty sickening.
What's bad for me... My boyfriend is at the hight of his puberty. (I would be extreamly happy with just a close friendship relationship. Maybe a few hugs and just being friends around each other. Open).
So the problem is....
He wants sex.
We actually pulled an all nighter arguing and yelling at each other. He wants sex and I told him no. He wants to know first what's wrong with me then what's wrong with him.
"Am I ugly? Do I just not turn you on? Am I doing something wrong? What can I do to make you want me?"
He has it in his mind because his mother told him all the time, "All good relationships have lots of sex. It keeps the passion in. If you lose the passion it's going to fail."
A common view on sex I'm sure...
A while ago I tried to tell him that I didn't want sex and he flat out told me that without sex the relationship would most likely be over.
I love him. It's just not sexual. I don't want to lose him but sex makes me feel bad. I don't feel it or want it....
What do I do? What would you do? Any thoughts, feelings, or comments?
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 8:42 pm
Oy. That sounds like a stressful place to be in. x-x If your comfortable enough to tell him that the two of you need to talk, I'd recommend sitting him down somewhere to share your half of the story. Ask him not to make any comments until you're done talking. I think pretty much all you can do is tell him (again) that you just aren't interested in sex. Assure him that it has nothing to do with him not being appealing to you - it could be anyone and you'd feel the same way.
Tell him that you love him. Let him know how important he is to you and tell him you don't want to lose him. Tell him you're interested in a life-long friendship, or something and that you hope he can accept you without sex.
I hope this is helpful and I'm sorry if it isn't. It's all I could come up with - but if I think of anything marvelously better I shall post it.
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:15 pm
Ouch. Trying to convince the stubborn is the toughest.
I stand by what ParisArkw said: sit him down and have a long talk, and make sure he doesn't interrupt you.
Explain that you understand his point of view, why sex is important in sealing intimate bonds between people, that sex is the ultimate form of intimacy, etc. Make sure he knows that you understand where he's coming from.
Reassure him that he's not ugly, that you love him, and that he's not doing anything wrong, so he has nothing to worry about--at least, that the "problem" does not come from him.
Then, tell your side of the story. Explain how you feel, what sex means to you, that sex is not in your interest, and that there are alternatives to "keep the passion in."
I wish you the best in coping. It can get troublesome at times. Hugs for you.
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 10:29 pm
I would dump him. Long talks are for Dr. Phil. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your values to anyone who isn't willing to respect them. You don't want sex and he should respect that, not pressure you into it or try to guilt you into bed by putting the relationship on the line. It isn't love on his part. If he loved you as much as you loved him, he wouldn't be doing this, plain and simple. Give him a couple bucks for a prostitute and toss him out the door.
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Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2005 11:35 pm
Inkou I would dump him. Long talks are for Dr. Phil. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your values to anyone who isn't willing to respect them. You don't want sex and he should respect that, not pressure you into it or try to guilt you into bed by putting the relationship on the line. It isn't love on his part. If he loved you as much as you loved him, he wouldn't be doing this, plain and simple. Give him a couple bucks for a prostitute and toss him out the door.
I don't think it's a fact that she loves him more than he loves her. In this day and age a lot of people will think that their partner doesn't love them because their not having sex..because sex has become such a big deal and all.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 12:44 am
I'd wait before dumping him though. Make sure you earnestly try to talk it through with him, first.
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 7:20 pm
Thanks guys. It is a really tough situation and I really appreciate all of your help. I'll see what I can do and just have to see how it plays out. *sighs* I've actually got a lot on the line. Thanks again! heart
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 12:05 am
Inkou I would dump him. Long talks are for Dr. Phil. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your values to anyone who isn't willing to respect them. You don't want sex and he should respect that, not pressure you into it or try to guilt you into bed by putting the relationship on the line. It isn't love on his part. If he loved you as much as you loved him, he wouldn't be doing this, plain and simple. Give him a couple bucks for a prostitute and toss him out the door.
Sometimes you need to explain what you think/belive in/are feeling... You can't understand someone if he/she doesn't explain. Of course he should respect you, and a "No" is a "No" but it might be easier for him if he understood why.
And excuse my English >_<
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 10:40 pm
ParisArkw Inkou I would dump him. Long talks are for Dr. Phil. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your values to anyone who isn't willing to respect them. You don't want sex and he should respect that, not pressure you into it or try to guilt you into bed by putting the relationship on the line. It isn't love on his part. If he loved you as much as you loved him, he wouldn't be doing this, plain and simple. Give him a couple bucks for a prostitute and toss him out the door.
I don't think it's a fact that she loves him more than he loves her. In this day and age a lot of people will think that their partner doesn't love them because their not having sex..because sex has become such a big deal and all.She DOES love him more than he loves her. Otherwise, he would have let her talk without forcing her to sit him down and demand that he shut up about getting between her legs long enough to explain herself. Even if she WEREN'T asexual and just waiting for marriage or even just a certain point, he shouldn't be pressuring her, whining, "Wah, wah, am I just ugly?? Why don't you want to do the nasty!?" He'd check his hormones at the door and just give HER time to either explain why she doesn't want to have sex or tell him when she's ready. She doesn't HAVE to explain, "You know what? Blah blah blah blah blah. THAT'S why I don't want to have sex." He should know that she doesn't want to have sex, and leave it at that. It's called being SELF-LESS. That's what unconditional love is about. Of course that also accounts for her, because she has to at least tell him she's an asexual before they're married, otherwise it is basically conning him into what he presumes will be a sex-filled marriage. He's an a**. And he's lucky he's got such a weak-willed chick for a girlfriend. I would have seriously slapped him if he had gotten on my case about sex. It's not about being asexual, sexual, whatever. It's about mututal respect. She has no need or duty to explain to him why she doesn't want to have sex. He should just accept it and either wait until SHE deems it's ready to discuss it or have it or whatever it is she wants to do WITHOUT pressuring her into doing it. He is purposefully pushing her out of her comfort zone by harassing her about this so that he can either get laid or get an explaination. This is seen more commonly in peer pressure with multiple people, but can also be dished out by someone closer, who holds more emotional connection. Truthfully, he doesn't deserve neither sex nor explaination.
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Posted: Sat Oct 22, 2005 10:57 pm
Inkou ParisArkw Inkou I would dump him. Long talks are for Dr. Phil. You shouldn't have to explain yourself or your values to anyone who isn't willing to respect them. You don't want sex and he should respect that, not pressure you into it or try to guilt you into bed by putting the relationship on the line. It isn't love on his part. If he loved you as much as you loved him, he wouldn't be doing this, plain and simple. Give him a couple bucks for a prostitute and toss him out the door.
I don't think it's a fact that she loves him more than he loves her. In this day and age a lot of people will think that their partner doesn't love them because their not having sex..because sex has become such a big deal and all.She DOES love him more than he loves her. Otherwise, he would have let her talk without forcing her to sit him down and demand that he shut up about getting between her legs long enough to explain herself. Even if she WEREN'T asexual and just waiting for marriage or even just a certain point, he shouldn't be pressuring her, whining, "Wah, wah, am I just ugly?? Why don't you want to do the nasty!?" He'd check his hormones at the door and just give HER time to either explain why she doesn't want to have sex or tell him when she's ready. She doesn't HAVE to explain, "You know what? Blah blah blah blah blah. THAT'S why I don't want to have sex." He should know that she doesn't want to have sex, and leave it at that. It's called being SELF-LESS. That's what unconditional love is about. Of course that also accounts for her, because she has to at least tell him she's an asexual before they're married, otherwise it is basically conning him into what he presumes will be a sex-filled marriage. He's an a**. And he's lucky he's got such a weak-willed chick for a girlfriend. I would have seriously slapped him if he had gotten on my case about sex. It's not about being asexual, sexual, whatever. It's about mututal respect. She has no need or duty to explain to him why she doesn't want to have sex. He should just accept it and either wait until SHE deems it's ready to discuss it or have it or whatever it is she wants to do WITHOUT pressuring her into doing it. He is purposefully pushing her out of her comfort zone by harassing her about this so that he can either get laid or get an explaination. This is seen more commonly in peer pressure with multiple people, but can also be dished out by someone closer, who holds more emotional connection. Truthfully, he doesn't deserve neither sex nor explaination.
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Posted: Sun Oct 23, 2005 11:13 am
Whatever happens, its up to Demies to make the decision. I agree with both points, that he has been raised to believe that sex binds a relationship and that he is a jackass, at least from how Demies described him.
But still, I'd say to give it a bit more time before dumping. Give it a chance: maybe things will right themselves. If not, you can always dump him and not feel guilty for not trying.
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Posted: Sat Oct 29, 2005 11:09 pm
ParisArkw I don't think you can judge so much when you don't know exactly what's going on and you don't know all that she's thinking and feeling and he's thinking and feeling and all. He just doesn't understand. It seems he was "freaking out" because he was worried and stressed. Not to mention, she said he was raised to think that a good, healthy, successful relationship will have sex. That's what his parents told him and it's not rare for growing children/kids/teenagers to believe what they're taught by their parents. He thinks that their relationship is going downhill because of what he "knows to be fact". She's trying to tell him that it's not fact and that their relationship isn't going downhill. If that's the case, then you don't have enough information to give advice yourself when you don't know what exactly is going on either. If he is a general peer of her, he is around 20-22ish. That's old enough to know when you will put sexual pressure on someone, especially when you are a sexual person. And unless this is the first relationship he's ever been in, he's had sexual relations before because it's such an important thing to him that a relationship can't function without it. He wants in her pants and he wants in now, and he has no qualms in putting the relationship on the line for that. If he weren't pressuring her she wouldn't be feeling it.
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 12:04 am
Inkou If that's the case, then you don't have enough information to give advice yourself when you don't know what exactly is going on either. If he is a general peer of her, he is around 20-22ish. That's old enough to know when you will put sexual pressure on someone, especially when you are a sexual person. And unless this is the first relationship he's ever been in, he's had sexual relations before because it's such an important thing to him that a relationship can't function without it. He wants in her pants and he wants in now, and he has no qualms in putting the relationship on the line for that. If he weren't pressuring her she wouldn't be feeling it.
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Posted: Mon Oct 31, 2005 3:00 am
Illuminescence Whatever happens, its up to Demies to make the decision. I agree with both points, that he has been raised to believe that sex binds a relationship and that he is a jackass, at least from how Demies described him.
But still, I'd say to give it a bit more time before dumping. Give it a chance: maybe things will right themselves. If not, you can always dump him and not feel guilty for not trying.
Follow your heart!
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