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This is an intro to a story I'm writing. Tell me what you think (if I can change anything, if it sucks, ect.) Sorry it's so long sad


“Hurry up, Heather!” Brian yelled impatiently. He rolled his eyes in frustration and grunted. Shes always making me late, he thought.

“I’m coming, I’m coming, sheesh,” Heather huffed, attempting to pull on her heel as she hopped to his car. Stopping, she buckled her shoe and looked at the horizon. The sky shone an orange hue, with splashes of pink.

“C’mon, will ya?” Brian started his car, partially as a hint to get her moving. “Sorry,” she pitifully apologized. Opening the door, she pulled up her skirt to avoid getting it caught in the door as she slammed the door shut. Brian looked at her, “you ready?”

“yeah,” she replied. Looking backwards over his shoulder, Brian pulled out of the driveway slowly, while Heather observed the houses as they drove by. Her neighbourhood was quiet and small, as well as colorful. The houses were brightly painted, and most of them had gardens with many assortments of wild flowers. In between gardens many yards were home to small statues or fountains.

“Are you excited for the play?” Brian asked.

Heather looked at him with surprise, “Of course, why wouldn’t I be?”

He shrugged, “you don’t seem all that enthusiastic about it, that’s all”

“Well I am, I guess I’m just a little preoccupied with my thoughts.” She felt his concerned gaze on her and shifted uncomfortably. She then primped herself vainly.

“Why?” he demanded. Heather wasn’t sure how to answer, nor was she inclined to sharing her thoughts with him. She considered why her uneasiness quelled her. Five years ago, she had received a kidney transplant after years of discouraging dyalasis. Though she had been annoyed that she was to have the surgery on Christmas Eve, she was glad to be having it at all, and she considered the new kidney as the best Christmas present she had ever obtained. The surgery went well of course, no complications. Her body accepted the new kidney with no problems. She would always ask who the donor was, but the nurses would refuse to tell her. All she ever heard about her unknown donor was that it was a woman, and she had been braindead before the surgery. When she asked, they told her braindead simply meant the persons brain had ceast to work, but the rest of her body worked perfectly fine. But, what confused Heather was that every Christmas Eve since then she would feel a strange internal heat she couldn’t explane. It began as a sharp burn, but then lulled to a painful throb. Eventually, it became part of her and she hardly noticed it, but it was still enough to prove annoying, especially when she was trying to enjoy herself. Oddly, it was the same pain and heat she felt when she heard the word mitochondria.

She had the usual pain this year, which made her especially irritable, but she was also filled with anxiety. Her skin felt itchy, while her legs felt as if they couldn’t move enough, even if she needed to run a mile. And although her mood wasn’t great, she made herself feel better by admiring herself in the mirror.

“Heather?” Brian postulated.

“It’s nothing,” she finally responded, keeping her mood in check, though she was irritated.

Brian halfheartedly accepted what she said as true, allowing an awkward silence over the car. The uneasiness Heather was feeling was growing as she attempted to block it from her mind. She looked out the window and blinked solemnly. The grass and streets shone in the fading light of the sunset. She saw the moon peaking out from the mountains as it rose. Heather sighed.

“So,” Brian finally said, “do you remember that water balloon fight we had a few years ago?” he was attempting to get Heather’s mind away from whatever was troubling her.

She smiled, “Haha, of course! That was fun… and when we went to the park to play football in the dark. It was kind of cold though,”

Brian laughed slightly, recalling the memories they had shared from years ago. “Do you also remember that one night when the moon was especially big, and the stars were brighter than ever? It was beautiful.”

“Yeah…” silence fell between them, but this time it wasn’t awkward. Their friendship had grown so strong over the years, nothing could break it, or so they thought. Often they had issues, either they wouldn’t talk for one reason or another, or they had so much work to do they couldn’t see each other. Heather had feelings for Brian, and doubted he felt the same way, which was the only thing that kept her from telling him. What she didn’t know, is he felt the same way, too.

She looked sweetly up at him, her bright green eyes flashing, “Brian, you know… I enjoy being with you.”

Her sudden comment caught him off guard, and he looked at her with a strange expression, “Well, me too, I guess. Why the sudden appriciation?”

A slight chuckle came from her, and she smiled at him, “there has to be a reason to dote on a friend?”

“I guess not…”
Then, just as they were passing through an intersection, Heathers heart jumped as she saw a suburban racing toward them at full speed, headlights blazing.

“Brian-“

what the heck
XD
at least she's making the guild less dead =D

I don't know if anyone else knoes this, but you don't HAVE to indent paragraphs as long skip a line between two... It's actually impropper to do both, so she has no problem there. As for the grammer, I believe they're common mistakes, and seriously, you really could have approached it a LOT less rudely.

And Enusoken is right, at least she's posting... I don't think I've seen any posts from you except for this one.

I completelly agree, grammar or spelling mistakes should be corrected, but he should not have gone about it so rudely, in my oppinion. Also, I would be alot less annoyed by it if he would just give me specifics, quotes, or SOMETHING to go off of instead of just saying "fix the grammar" (that's not helpful at all really). Again, I understand these things should be corrected, but the way he went about it was rude, I thought, and unneccisarily condiscending.

Hmm actually i find it fine if there's some minor spelling and grammar errors since it's part of the learning process also Buta.. don't be too harsh sweatdrop

[ sweatdrop It's official then - the only place I'm objecting is in the debate forum or something. Sorry. I guess the Ace Attorney-ing really should be a debate thing then.]

I actually liked the story - there's a missing apostrophe ('Shes') and a missing capital letter ('“yeah,” she replied.'), and the large paragraph in the middle should be broken down due to text walling, but overall, it was pretty good. Keep writing - I'd like to see where this goes, honestly - and sorry about the way the last comments went. *lobs Attorney's Badge into the Debate Forum where it should be* Actually, I'm impressed that people who posted in this section actually have decent grammar skills. It's just that all the bad fanfiction I've seen must be getting to my head...

*EDIT* I've approved this story! Here's one Take That you most likely won't be able to complain about...

(Placeholder)
Larry Butz is standing in for my official seal of approval, which is currently in a state of temporary nonexistence. It'll also be much smaller than his mug up there.