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 Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:47 am
*excuses for the new posting style*
Okay... I don't want to be moaning too much right now, but I'm scared..
I had just gotten out of a serious depression and things were going fairly well. It was difficult, a long distance relationship, but it felt right. He had come here and after that it felt even more right and more "meant to be". Things got really difficult, however, after he had left again. I can't tell you what happened, he told me not to tell.
though a few already know.
Due to the distance, I found it sort of.. necessary to make plans for the (near) future already. Because we didn't really have a present. So there were quite a lot of really nice plans, on which I started to focus.
Now, when he broke up with me thursday, everything fell apart. All the work I had done to help him, to make our relationship work. All the pain I had felt throughout the whole relationship became even worse. Because now the pain didn't have a good enough reason.. To me, you see, love is worth ALL my pain. No matter what happens, I'll do everything and anything.. Seriously.. I'm that dedicated.
It really hurts, however, if he says that "for the last couple of months, I have already known that I was gay".. This because our relationship merely lasted for 5 months. He had already known before he had come here.
So what I feel now, is that I've been used. I've called my body a "j**z-disposure" once, and it does feel that way.. Some may know that I've been raped.. And well, this feels somewhat like it.. But mainly that it's my body that's "wanted".. Or something
..Another point.. I can't suffer time-loss.. None. I can't lose it right now, or I'll mess up school, mess up life, mess up everything. I've been there again, in the depression-area.. It didn't last long THIS time, but I've been there.. I fear it could take me completely again, like it did beginning of this year.. I need help, support and guidance..
I'm sorry this is so long, and I feel it's not done yet, but at this point, I don't know what to add without feeling extremely pathetic.. I'm sorry I'm like this
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 12:43 pm
*Hugs you*
Don't be sorry. None of that's your fault.
I wish I could just wave a magic wand make all the things that cause pain to go away.
*more,hugs*
Just rember we're all here if you need someone to cry on. heart
I can understand the time loss thing too. I'm the same way.
It may hurt for a long time but one day everything will work out for you. As for you-know-who. Karma will just bite him on the butt. After all you'd have to be insane to just walk away from the coolest person in the whole world. *points to you*
Try to talk to someone who you trust who also happens to be older to you. Or seek professinal help. I know what depression can do to people. Just hang in there sweetie ok.
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 12:47 pm
awww. dont be so hard on yourself. many people go thru that dear. youll get through this stronger and better than ever. heart
i know how you feel. i have chronic depression and anxiety which I have to take medicine for. everything will be ok. just stick with your friends and family. down the road youll get someone even better. just cry every tear for right now and then you can move on for the rest of your live. 3nodding
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:56 pm
This is so crappy in so many ways. crying I'm really sorry that you are goint through this, it really does blow. I don't even know where to begin. You are right, you have to stay on track with school and your life. Relationships and break ups are hard, I know what you mean when you say you'll do "anything and everything" for a relationship, I'm the same way. I cryed for a year straight, every single day, I kid you not, over one of my exs. As for the boy saying that he's known that he was gay, I can relate to him as well. It's terrible really, but I can. I dated a girl for 5 years. 5 years we had a steady relationship. About 6 months near the end of it, I too started realizing that I like boys more then girls. I didn't know what to do with myself. I loved her, I still love her, but I can't love her the way she wanted me to. It was really harsh and tough on her and on me.
Don't joke about your body being a "j**z-disposure". Have respect for your body, it's part of who you are, be proud of yourself. Don't let others get you down. Don't downtrod your body. I'm sorry to hear that you were raped, that's one of the worst evils in the world. There are more positive ways of feeling "wanted" then that.
Don't be sorry, this is what we are here for. We are here to support eachother. We are here because we heart eachother. lol. (I'm getting all sappy and emotional now) Go ahead and PM whenever you want to. Say anything you want. Rant, Rave, talk gibberish, do what ever makes you feel better. I hope this shines some insight on somethings and helps you out.
heart
emo
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 7:57 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 8:41 pm
*hugs you tightly* That b*****d. If he knew he shouldn't have even gone there. He should have had enough respect for you at least. Him begin a jerk doesn't make you any less special though. You are a wonderful person, he just didn't see it. If you feel like you need it, you might want to get professional help. It might help you get through this.
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:12 pm
Mariofwind *Hugs you* Don't be sorry. None of that's your fault. I wish I could just wave a magic wand make all the things that cause pain to go away. *more,hugs* Just rember we're all here if you need someone to cry on. heart I can understand the time loss thing too. I'm the same way. It may hurt for a long time but one day everything will work out for you. As for you-know-who. Karma will just bite him on the butt. After all you'd have to be insane to just walk away from the coolest person in the whole world. *points to you* Try to talk to someone who you trust who also happens to be older to you. Or seek professinal help. I know what depression can do to people. Just hang in there sweetie ok. I went to a psychologist yesterday and my first appointment is today..I really don't want to get back depressed again.. Thanks for all the help and support you've offered.. heart
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:18 pm
Emo_Fellow This is so crappy in so many ways. crying I'm really sorry that you are goint through this, it really does blow. I don't even know where to begin. You are right, you have to stay on track with school and your life. Relationships and break ups are hard, I know what you mean when you say you'll do "anything and everything" for a relationship, I'm the same way. I cryed for a year straight, every single day, I kid you not, over one of my exs. As for the boy saying that he's known that he was gay, I can relate to him as well. It's terrible really, but I can. I dated a girl for 5 years. 5 years we had a steady relationship. About 6 months near the end of it, I too started realizing that I like boys more then girls. I didn't know what to do with myself. I loved her, I still love her, but I can't love her the way she wanted me to. It was really harsh and tough on her and on me. Don't joke about your body being a "j**z-disposure". Have respect for your body, it's part of who you are, be proud of yourself. Don't let others get you down. Don't downtrod your body. I'm sorry to hear that you were raped, that's one of the worst evils in the world. There are more positive ways of feeling "wanted" then that. Don't be sorry, this is what we are here for. We are here to support eachother. We are here because we heart eachother. lol. (I'm getting all sappy and emotional now) Go ahead and PM whenever you want to. Say anything you want. Rant, Rave, talk gibberish, do what ever makes you feel better. I hope this shines some insight on somethings and helps you out. heart emo 5 years? Ho-lee... *hugs you tight* And my body being a j**z-disposure is not something *I* find, but something *others* find about my body... Or so it seems.. And I love you guys too! heart
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:20 pm
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:21 pm
Brandon Taylor *hugs you tightly* That b*****d. If he knew he shouldn't have even gone there. He should have had enough respect for you at least. Him begin a jerk doesn't make you any less special though. You are a wonderful person, he just didn't see it. If you feel like you need it, you might want to get professional help. It might help you get through this. Yah... I went to a psychologist yesterday.. Got an appointment today.. *hugs* You're sweet heart
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Posted: Tue Oct 18, 2005 9:34 pm
[ Message temporarily off-line ]
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Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2005 9:58 pm
You are worth more than that.
You are smart, kind, funny, and amazing, and anyone who uses you like that is a fool. If he knew he was gay, he should have said something. A long time ago. I would feel differently if he had just recently discovered it, but knowing and not telling you, letting it go on?
That's just cruel.
I don't have personal experience with situations like this, but I know people who do. It's an ugly thing, and no one should have to go through it.
Just realize that now is not a time in your life when you really need a 'forever' relationship. Concentrate on yourself now; he's out of the picture, and it's better that way.
Don't let yourself fall; fight and prove to everyone, especially yourself, that you are stonger than this. I know you can win; I believe in you. In time, you'll realize that this event is part of what will make you, you, and I'm sure it will be for the better. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? And you're strong.
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 4:26 am
Anata You are worth more than that. You are smart, kind, funny, and amazing, and anyone who uses you like that is a fool. If he knew he was gay, he should have said something. A long time ago. I would feel differently if he had just recently discovered it, but knowing and not telling you, letting it go on? That's just cruel. I don't have personal experience with situations like this, but I know people who do. It's an ugly thing, and no one should have to go through it. Just realize that now is not a time in your life when you really need a 'forever' relationship. Concentrate on yourself now; he's out of the picture, and it's better that way. Don't let yourself fall; fight and prove to everyone, especially yourself, that you are stonger than this. I know you can win; I believe in you. In time, you'll realize that this event is part of what will make you, you, and I'm sure it will be for the better. Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger, right? And you're strong.
*clings to you*
You're beautiful, Anata, you really are.. It's just.. I go through so much in merely one year, it's really unbelievable (not my own words). And in my life I've been through a lot too.
My psychologist told me that it's in me to only be happy when there's someone there. When I'm in a relationship, I'm good. If I break up, I'm not good. If I'm in another relationship, I'm good again..
It's in my mind, it's my psychology..*sighs*
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 11:31 am
Dark Eagle Babe
*clings to you*
You're beautiful, Anata, you really are.. It's just.. I go through so much in merely one year, it's really unbelievable (not my own words). And in my life I've been through a lot too.
My psychologist told me that it's in me to only be happy when there's someone there. When I'm in a relationship, I'm good. If I break up, I'm not good. If I'm in another relationship, I'm good again..
It's in my mind, it's my psychology..*sighs*
One of my best friends is like that; he's completely miserable when he's not in a relationship, but he's very happy when in them. The problem is, when you jump from relationship to relationship, there's a helluva lot more heartache. If you learn to be happy on your own, more power to you; if you don't, the future (s)he had better be taking good care of you. confused
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Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2005 11:40 am
Dark Eagle Babe
I had just gotten out of a serious depression and things were going fairly well. It was difficult, a long distance relationship, but it felt right. He had come here and after that it felt even more right and more "meant to be". Things got really difficult, however, after he had left again. I can't tell you what happened, he told me not to tell.
Erm, just one question: With what does he deserve you obeying his wish to not tell after he treaded you like s**t? He gave a damn for your feelings, so why do you care for his? Why should you, why do you feel you need to? Besides, appart from showing him that you're better than him, but I don't think he'll get it, and laugh even more at you with his friends, I'm sure. He'll pride himself at his friends about how he abused you and you still do what he says. Such male brains are sooo easy, it's almost shocking. rolleyes
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