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 Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:10 pm
I'm sure that, every now and again, we are either sent funny stories from people we know or stumble across them as we lazily surf the 'net. Here is the perfect place for you to share some- or all- of them that you happen to see.
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As the creator of the thread, I am also taking the liberty to post something that my mom sent me earlier today while I was still sleeping. I found it quite amusing, and I'm sure at least a few of you will, too.
Note: Normally, I would do this in two separate posts, as I like the first post to be more introductory than this, but after my 7-post spree in Philosophy last night, I believe that this will help to counteract that. Cup of Tea One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me. I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident. Someone had given me a little 'tea set' as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys. Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the even ing news when I brought Daddy a little cup of 'tea', which was just water. After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was 'just the cutest thing!' My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up. Then she says, (as only a mother would know.. smile 'Did it ever occur to you that the only place she can reach to get water is the toilet?
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 4:39 pm
Everyone, make sure you take note that this is funny stories only, as funny pictures and videos have separate threads.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 5:18 pm
Matasoga Everyone, make sure you take note that this is funny stories only, as funny pictures and videos have separate threads. Thank you for making sure that this was clarified before the pictures and videos got posted here.
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Posted: Wed Jan 28, 2009 3:00 am
Oh, my.
That was hilarious.
I don't have any funny stories.
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Posted: Tue Jun 02, 2009 1:51 am
Whoops. Poor Daddy. XD
I don't have any either.
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Posted: Mon Jun 15, 2009 7:54 am
According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem.
A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the Bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.
She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night .
To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.
Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Your story reminded me of this so I had to share it!
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Posted: Sat Sep 12, 2009 2:32 am
Something from internet legend David Thorne:
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 10.16am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Thankyou for your letter concerning pets in my apartment. I understand that having dogs in the apartment is a violation of the agreement due to the comfort and wellbeing of my neighbours and I am currently soundproofing my apartment with egg cartons as I realise my dogs can cause quite a bit of noise. Especially during feeding time when I release live rabbits.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 11.18am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
I have received your email and wish to remind you that the strata agreement states that no animals are allowed in the building regardless of if your apartment is soundproof. How many dogs do you have at the premises?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Thursday 21 May 2009 1.52pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
Currently I only have eight dogs but one is expecting puppies and I am very excited by this. I am hoping for a litter of at least ten as this is the number required to participate in dog sled racing. I have read every Jack London novel in preparation and have constructed my own sled from timber I borrowed from the construction site across the road during the night. I have devised a plan which I feel will ensure me taking first place in the next national dog sled championships. For the first year of the puppies life I intend to say the word mush then chase them violently around the apartment while yelling and hitting saucepan lids together. I have estimated that the soundproofing of my apartment should block out at least sixty percent of the noise and the dogs will learn to associate the word mush with great fear so when I yell it on race day, the panic and released adrenaline will spur them on to being winners. I am so confident of this being a foolproof plan that I intend to sell all my furniture the day before the race and bet the proceeds on coming first place.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 9.43am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am unsure what to make of your email. Do you have pets in the apartment or not?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 11.27am
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
No. I have a goldfish but due to the air conditioner in my apartment being stuck on a constant two degrees celcius, the water in its bowl is iced over and he has not moved for a while so I do not think he is capable of disturbing the neighbours. The ducks in the bathroom are not mine. The noise which my neighbours possibly mistook for a dog in the apartment is just the looping tape I have of dogs barking which I play at high volume while I am at work to deter potential burglars from breaking in and stealing my tupperware. I need it to keep food fresh. Once I ate leftover chinese that had been kept in an unsealed container and I experienced complete awareness. The next night I tried eating it again but only experienced chest pains and diarrhoea.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 1.46pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Hello David
You cannot play sounds of dogs or any noise at a volume that disturbs others. I am sure you can appreciate that these rules are for the benefit of all residents of the building. Fish are fine. You cannot have ducks in the apartment though. If it was small birds that would be ok.
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 2.18pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
They are very small ducks.
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 4.06pm
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, under section 4 of the strata residency agreement it states that you cannot have pets. You agreed to these rules when you signed the forms. These rules are set out to benefit everyone in the building including yourself. Do you have a telephone number I can call you on to discuss?
Helen
From: David Thorne
Date: Friday 22 May 2009 5.02pm
To: Helen Bailey
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
Dear Helen,
The ducks will no doubt be flying south for the winter soon so it will not be an issue. It is probably for the best as they are not getting along very well with my seventeen cats anyway. .
Regards, David.
From: Helen Bailey
Date: Monday 25 May 2009 9.22am
To: David Thorne
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Pets in the building
David, I am just going to write on the forms that we have investigated and you do not have any pets.
Helen
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Posted: Thu Sep 17, 2009 5:59 am
A little exchange I rather liked from Not Always Right. Quote: Me: “Thank you for calling [grocery store]. How can I help you?” Customer: “I bought peanut butter! Now I don’t know what to do with it.” Me: “Excuse me?” Customer: “You had peanut butter on sale–buy two, get one free. I bought the two and got one free, and now I have nothing to do with it!” Me: “I’m sorry, ma’am, but that’s not the fault of the store. Customer: “What do I do with it?!” Me: “Put it on a sandwich?” Customer: “Do you know how many calories are in two tablespoons of peanut butter? 200! 200 calories!” Me: “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but I don’t really know what to do with your peanut butter.” Customer: “I don’t care! If you don’t tell me what to do with it right now, I’m going to complain to your manager and have you fired!” Me: “Ma’am–” Customer: “What do I do with the peanut butter?!” Me: “I don’t know, make cookies with it? Give a jar to a friend? Donate to a homeless shelter?” Customer: “Are you crazy?! I paid good money for this stuff. I’m not going to just give it away. YOU. ARE. AN. IDIOT!”
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 1:13 am
http://www.cracked.com/article/128_7-vampires-around-world-worse-than-ones-in-twilight/
...Really, it's all right there in the URL.
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Posted: Sat Sep 26, 2009 4:26 am
Matasoga http://www.cracked.com/article/128_7-vampires-around-world-worse-than-ones-in-twilight/ ...Really, it's all right there in the URL. Heh, that was great. This site's full of good ones like that. Another one can be found here: http://www.cracked.com/article/125_13-real-animals-lifted-directly-out-your-nightmares/
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Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 7:52 am
Just an MLIA that I thought was pretty awesome.
"Today, I crawled into my mom's room on all fours to steal some Halloween candy. She woke up, confused. I, thinking quickly, said, "It's alright.. I'm just the cat." She believed me, and went back to bed. I meowed, and left purring. With my candy. MLIA."
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Posted: Fri Oct 30, 2009 9:21 pm
I LOVE Not Always Right and Cracked. And TV Tropes.
As for funny stories...nothing comes to mind that doesn't have an inside joke or a you-had-to-be-there moment with it.
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Posted: Mon Nov 02, 2009 6:03 am
@ Krissi - That actually made me laugh. I wish I had a pet duck but I would need a pond.
I really wish my memory was a lot better because I have a ton of funny stories about me and my family but I can't remember them. And the ones I can remember aren't that funny. sweatdrop
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Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 12:06 am
Another gem that made my day.
"(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.)
Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!”
Me: “Well, your back door is still open.”
Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!”
Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–”
Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?” "
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Posted: Sun Nov 08, 2009 11:58 am
Torzeh Another gem that made my day. "(I’m assisting a customer in the parking lot with her groceries. She presses the lock button on the driver’s side door and closes it.) Customer: “Oh no! I locked my keys in the ignition!” Me: “Well, your back door is still open.” Customer: “I know, I know, but my door is locked! D***!” Me: “But the back door is still open. You could pass through it to–” Customer: *slams the back door shut* “Fine, there! Now it’s closed! Can we get back to my problem now?” " Wow... That is one stupid customer, and that brought a good smile to my face.
Here's another gem that was sent to me by my girlfriend's mom. Quote: RETARDED GRANDPARENTS (This was actually reported by a teacher) After Christmas, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school. One child wrote the following: We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Arizona. Now they live in a tin box and have rocks painted green to look like grass. They ride around on their bicycles and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now, they do exercises there, but they don't do them very well. There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts. Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night --- early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck. My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too.. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. .... PRICELESS
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