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 Posted: Fri Jan 16, 2009 9:14 pm
This unlike my other one is more about what my parents actually did and did not do...and how I understand it all.
Well as far back as I can remember, which is when I was around four...my dad and mom never got along and my dad always avoided me. My mother however, bless her for this, was the one who cared for me all the time...and because I knew this I tried to never fight her or hurt her feelings. She had enough of that from my father without me compounding on top of it. So to make it so that my mom had less to worry about I tried not to complain when dad beat me...after all I deserved it for looking at him right?
My mother recorded my birthdays and my younger years so that she could share them with me. One night we were alone as dad had went off to his 'uncles' to drink. My mother broke down crying next to me because he had yelled at her and hurt her yet again. So as I comforted her, as per usual, this was an everyday thing normally, she sat there and told me about my birth. I was born a month early, and my dad had went out to the bar to 'celebrate'...however, me and my mom and heck even his family knew better. He was drowning his sorrows...he never wanted a child and hated children...
After his celebration he went to the hospital where I was born via C-section and right in front of mother...hit on the nurse. Now when a woman, from my understanding has a C-Section they are supposed to rest for a while and not do anything at all. But, as she proved to me...dad did nothing, he never fed me, burped me or anything of the sort. The first time he held me was when I was six and that was to beat me for playing on the floor where he wanted to walk.
During that time she was supposed to be resting mother was taking care of me and according to her, and my grandparents...I did not call my father dad until I actually knew well enough he was. The first person I called dad, was my grandfather because he was more of a father to me than my actual one was. He beat me, but at least he had reasons to...and not just because he was jealous or drunk.
One of the things my father did that was burned into my mind forever...I had had another nightmare and my mother took me out to the living room and gave me something to drink to calm me down. He storms out angrily because I had been crying...and yelled at me and threatened to hit me for not being in bed. I began to cry again...knowing I would be beaten again. Only this time mother stepped in and stood in front of me yelling at him that I had had a nightmare. Only to get this response, "I don't give a ****. He is supposed to be in bed...and he will go to bed now!" He grabbed me by the arm and tried to rip me out of the seat causing hot chocolate to spill on my body, ((Note I was only 7 at that time)) and mom intervened. She pushed him off of me and yelled at him that he was hurting me...his response? He hit her and knocked her into the wall.
She got up and yelled at him for it and he stormed off to bed finally...but it was then that I began to fear my dad. I kept thinking how long would it be before he killed her out of anger and then me after wards. Then to compound on all that it got worse as if I so much as looked at him the wrong way, which he considered challenging him...I got beat. Everything was my fault...and my mother could not help because like I said...she had enough problems to deal with and I did not want her to be bogged down because of the fact...in my eyes...of her worthless son. Dad would blame anything and everything on me...it got to the point where even the teachers and psychologists began to notice it.
At that point and for a while if someone yelled I would wince and close my eyes expecting to be beat. If someone in the class did something in school, and the teacher asked who did it...I would stand and take the blame. After all, as my father drilled into my head, "Everything is your fault!" So it only got worse with time...and it got to the point where my mother noticed it and she asked me why I never told me. When I told her why she broke down crying...and I had no idea why. But I knew it was my fault...so it became suicidal...
It was not until later I learned she was crying because she wanted to protect me and love me. But, I was too afraid to bring it up with her...I did so only once. She tried to talk it over with my dad...and I was sitting in the bathroom crying. I heard it all...the yelling and the words, my mother was calm and reserved for a little while...but my dad was not. It ended with him storming into the bathroom and slamming the door open angrily as he stared me down and hit me. "Men don't cry or show emotion. Now stop crying before I give you a real reason to cry!" The reason for my tears? At first it was because my parents had had another fight over me...and I knew at that age of 10 it was my fault...so I was crying because I knew if not for me they would have been happy right?
I'm not going to go into more unless asked...I can barely keep from crying even as I write this...I avoid my past because I fear it...
Even now I hate crying as it is a sign of weakness...or better yet it meant getting beaten. Several people have told me that it is over and move on...but what people do not seem to realize is that it is conditioning. I was conditioned to not cry, the punishment pain. That is a heavy psychological toll on the mind...it messes with me in so many ways. However, I do not want to complain...I know there are people who have it worse then me...I have seen it first hand throughout my mission trips.
Sadly enough...even though my father has done so much to hurt me...all on purpose...I can not hate him. Not for hurting me...I deserve it...but for hurting my mother I dislike him. I forgave him every time he hurt me even now...but I can not forgive him for hurting mother...
Some people have told me that makes me a better man then him for being able to forgive him. However, what good does being a better man do...I'm afraid I'll turn out just like him. However, I love kids...and unfortunately I inherited his anger problem...I don't want to be like him...
Well...I'm not sure if it means anything...but I wanted to get that off of my chest...
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Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 2:46 am
SD, you know you can't escape me in the forums, luv, I'm sorry again. I can't say much more than has already been said, whether by me or another, but I can still be your shoulder.
I know crying sucks, and it's hard for me to do much more than fake it. But still, you're very strong for at least wanting to change from your father. I've heard that children will grow as they were raised, but I want to commit my life to proving that false and you should, too. If you're determined enough, SD, I'm sure someone like you can shove away those habits and step out the better person you're meant to be.
*huggles*
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Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 3:38 am
"All this time I swore I'd never be like my old man... what the hey, it's time to face exactly what I am."
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Posted: Sat Jan 17, 2009 10:11 pm
I have to say I have a lot of respect for you. If I was in that situation I would not be anywhere near sane.
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Posted: Tue Jan 20, 2009 3:15 pm
Thanks a lot Atra as always...I don't want to be like him because I want to break the trend. Dad was raised by his parents how he raised me, I don't want that for when and if I have kids. I don't want them to hate me...and all that...having lots of therapy tends to help somewhat...as at least then my dad does not know what I am saying and therefore I am safer from his rage.
Yes, well...I know it would be easy to be like my father...but anything worthwhile doing is not easy to do.
Hm...my sanity is questionable. "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result." I do that so by that I'm insane for thinking my dad may change...ah well. A little insanity never hurt anyone...
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 12:35 pm
True about insanity, and have you ever considered the possibility that you have Stockholm syndrome?
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Posted: Fri Jan 23, 2009 10:17 am
Stockholm Syndrome...yes well I was diagnosed with that. So that would make some sense but that is still all psychological.
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Posted: Fri Feb 20, 2009 8:14 am
That's...um..some history...
All I can really think to say is that you've made progress and are on your way towards bigger and better things. Try to focus on the positives in life (it's the only reason I'm still sane). I haven't experienced anything anywhere near what you have although some may say different. Personally, I think we've both experienced different horribles in life and now we're making the best of it.
I understand your reason for not crying. I am the same way only for a slightly different reason. My parents separated when I was 9 but both of them remained a part of my life. Because of the separation I became some what of a tom-boy and I took on aspects of both my parents. My mom would cry in front of anyone, anytime, anyplaces when the situation called for it. Where my dad...he never cried...never...the few times I ever saw him cry was when he was alone. He taught me that I shouldn't cry, I shouldn't show weakness, atleast not in the publics eye. So even now after loosing him, I won't cry. Unless I am in severe physical pain or something along those lines, I won't cry in front of anyone. But I still cry myself to sleep almost every night. (For reason within my history).
The best thing I can say is, even though I don't know you personally, I am proud of you and I am proud of the fact that you are trying to make your life something better than what it was. Focus on the positives in life. Negativity tends to just bring you down. Don't look at the glass half empty, look at it half full.
I wish you the best and I offer a virtual shoulder to cry on if you ever need it.
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Wed Mar 11, 2009 8:47 am
Thanks for that Midnight. I used to be a positive person and when I was my life was nearly blown apart. So I'm very pessimistic, if something can go wrong then more then likely it will. Because of this mindset I am always prepared for failure since I expect it...but when nothing bad happens it makes me smile compared to when I think everything might end well. Hm, just different points of view there.
Plus the whole crying thing...does not help that even in today's society most males are drilled that males don't cry. That only females cry and all that crap...even in general society it is more 'acceptable' for a female to break down crying in public then a male...stupid but sadly true. I also extend the offer to you as well...if you need someone to talk to then I'm here.
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Posted: Sun Mar 15, 2009 10:21 pm
SNDarkangel Thanks for that Midnight. I used to be a positive person and when I was my life was nearly blown apart. So I'm very pessimistic, if something can go wrong then more then likely it will. Because of this mindset I am always prepared for failure since I expect it...but when nothing bad happens it makes me smile compared to when I think everything might end well. Hm, just different points of view there. Plus the whole crying thing...does not help that even in today's society most males are drilled that males don't cry. That only females cry and all that crap...even in general society it is more 'acceptable' for a female to break down crying in public then a male...stupid but sadly true. I also extend the offer to you as well...if you need someone to talk to then I'm here. True, society stinks. I've never understood stereotyping. I've always found it irrational and dumb. If you want to cry then cry, wherever, whenever your comfortable. Thanks for the virtual shoulder. I'm working up to putting my story on here. It's a bit difficult because partially of how it effected me and also because of the anniversary of the biggest part is coming up on st. patty's day...Anyways this is your forum not mine, so I won't go into detail here. Again, I wish you luck. Message me if you ever need someone to talk to. smile
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Eloquent Conversationalist
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 7:34 pm
wow,.... i thought my life was a little screwy. i hope, i hope you can get over this more and enjoy your life.
i admire u for forgiving, it's something i haven't been able to do yet.
may happiness fill your heart
-allanis
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Posted: Thu Apr 16, 2009 4:51 pm
Thats just horrible.. Im sorry you and your mother had to go through that.
*hugs tightly*
That stereotype thing, men dont cry is idiotic. I too, like many of the other people here, lend you a shoulder to cry on, and an ear to listen when you need to talk.
With a history that tragic, i dont think 'try and forget about it' will work. But, try and move on, be positive (even though it may be hard). No one should deserve that. There are various sayings like "The kids will be like the parents" and "Like father like son" and all that crap. Prove 'em wrong.
I respect you. Ever need to talk, message me, add me to your friends, whatever you like. 3nodding heart
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