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 Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 7:26 am
He paused at the edge of the clearing, wings and tails twitching rhythmically. It was nerves doing this, making him need to just... to just move, and to move precisely and to get it right because if he didn’t then... Then logically, he knew nothing bad would happen but he couldn’t help it. It was stupid, insane as the poor crazed Nequus that spent their lives rushing up and down river banks because they never felt quite clean enough. Taking in a slow breath, Castor forced away the panic and stilled his body. So, now he was tense rather than twitching but that was certainly the lesser of two evils.
“Meleager-hallah,” the tall stallion called, adding the respectful suffix in case the dappled Reya was not alone, “may I speak with you? It is a matter of some importance.” Here went then. Castor took another deep breath and waited for a response.
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:47 am
He had just been about to drift off to sleep; it had been a long, rather hectic, day for the herdleader and he was unusually tired. Still, the sound of his partner's voice roused him instantly, and after a moment of puzzled blinking, he stood up. "Castor?" Meleager said questioningly, heading in the direction of his voice. What could it be? What was there that was important that Castor might want to speak to him about? Herd politics or work could have waited until morning, and... Several trivial things flitted through Meleager's thoughts and were discarded before he admitted with a hint of guilt that the most important thing to him right now was his approaching meeting with Jocasta. Most imortant after Castor, that was. The dappled Reya halted with an anxious frown and waited for his partner to elaborate.
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Posted: Tue Jan 13, 2009 9:58 am
Another breath, and he stepped into view. He couldn’t quite summon a smile; he had to concentrate on those at the best of times, when he felt happy, and right now... “Meleager...” Castor sighed and moved slowly over to the other stallion, casting himself down into the grass before his partner. This wasn’t going to be easy. “I wanted to talk to you about your hypothetical foals... I have an opinion you might not like. May I give it to you anyway?”
If Meleager didn’t want to know, then he’d leave. After that he didn’t know what he’d do; dramatic gestures were not in keeping with his character so resigning his post and quitting the herd in a fit of pique wasn’t an option. Well he’d think of something in the end no doubt, if he had to, but he sincerely hoped it didn't come to that. He hoped Meleager would at least hear him out. He didn’t want a taste of the big Reya’s temper.
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Posted: Wed Jan 14, 2009 9:31 am
Meleager's frown deepened. That really did sound important. Looking down at the slim crossbreed, he nodded. He wasn't sure he'd ever seen Castor like this - tense and unhappy. He had to hear him out. With a faint sigh, Meleager sat down beside his partner. "I can't promise I'll surprise you with my opinion... if you think I may not like something, you're probably right," he admitted. "But I'll listen."
Looking into the pale-coated tactician's eyes, Meleager formed an uneasy half smile. He couldn't think what the problem would be - Castor had seemed up for the idea before, had spoken to Jocasta already, and Meleager had made certain to reassure him that he was still the most important one. Had that been enoug? Was he having second thoughts about being comfortable with the situation? But no, it hadn't sounded like that... He would just have to wait and see.
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Posted: Thu Jan 15, 2009 7:53 am
Castor nodded to the other stallion's words but didn’t speak immediately. How to begin? He was no good at this. He looked down at the grass and forced himself to speak.
“While I approve of you wanting children," he began slowly, "while I want you to have children, while I want you to be happy and for them to be happy and to do well in life...” The pale coated stallion trailed off for a moment and forced himself to make eye contact again. “I can’t stand the idea of you making one of them your heir. It’s wrong and, so far as I see it, such an act goes against everything we are, everything we stand for. Our next leader should be chosen on merit, Meleager, not on blood.”
There, it was said then and he had all of his arguments stored up in his mind. Meleager couldn’t possibly refuse once he’d heard all of them; they were right, they made sense!... But then Meleager wasn’t always the most sensible of stallions.
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 9:45 am
For a moment all he could do was stare in incomprehension. So that was it? Of all the... Why would Castor have thought he wouldn't want to make his children his heirs? It made perfect sense, it was... But he'd promised he would listen. Meleager bit his lip and forced himself to breathe slowly before he spoke. "I..." It wasn't working. Frowning, the big stallion stood up and paced a few steps back from his partner in agitation, looked away and then back at him, and, finally, said, "Why not?"
It was the only thing he could have said that he wouldn't have regretted. Castor sounded unusually vehement. He couldn't stand...? It was wrong? It was what every other herd did, as far as Meleager was aware. Only poor Helen hadn't had any children, had died suddenly, had had to choose him. As much as he was grateful for that opportunity, he didn't want to be in the same position. For one thing, he hadn't been the only contender for the position of herdleader. The only reason there had been no competition once he had been chosen was because of the circumstances... and he would never let that happen again.
Meleager looked at the slim Master Tactician with an expression halfway between a scowl and hopeful confusion. What if Castor didn't think his children would be good enough?
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 9:59 am
Well, so far this was going as well as could be expected, but he was fairly sure that Meleager was... err... either annoyed or angry; such small distinctions were beyond him. Looking away from Meleager again, the crossbreed gathered his thoughts carefully. “In the long run I believe it would be bad for the herd,” he said eventually, shifting position slightly and looking up at the other stallion.
“Today, tomorrow and for several generations I can’t see it being a huge issue; we would survive as what we are. You will raise your children well, and they theirs but eventually it is quite possible that rot will slip in. Besides,” Castor frowned slightly, “just because your children would no doubt be adequate leaders doesn’t mean they would be excellent leaders. You, Meleager, are an excellent leader. I am an excellent master tactician, but my father would not have made a good one and no more my mother.”
He was feeling exposed lying down like this, and so Castor pushed himself back to his hooves before looking back over at the dappled Reya. “Clytemnestra’s daughter, Iphigenia,” he challenged the other Nequus. “You must know her in passing at least. She is a good mare, but she is no warrior, and if she were made the next commandate just because her mother holds that post what would become of our military? Handing out sweet positions because of blood is foolish Meleager, surely you must realize that.”
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:40 am
Meleager frowned. Iphigenia... well, yes, that was true. He had no choice but to accept that, at least... and he could see Castor's point... The example helped. Surely though, it wasn't the same? The bulky Reya frowned, unable to put his thoughts into coherent words. Damnit.
"It's possible, I suppose," he said eventually, slowly, "that gradually standards would slip, or none of the herdleader's foals would be suitable..." But rot? It was such strong language from the usually calm tactician, he couldn't help put be put on edge by it. He felt judged - judged and found wanting. Still frowning, the herdleader gazed at his companion warily, ears twitching.
"I would choose the best of my children, I would train them well..." he protested. "But..." Meleager could hear the futility of his words, and trailed off with a sigh and a shrug.
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Posted: Wed Jan 21, 2009 9:54 am
Castor sighed and looked down, his tails twitching uncomfortably. He seemed to be doing alright with the argument, but... but he didn’t feel like this conversation was going as he’d hoped. What had he hoped for? Had he hoped that Meleager would just smile and agree? No, he had known that wouldn’t happen. Still, this was hard. “I... I know you would Meleager,” the pale-coated stallion said eventually. “It’s just that... I can’t understand why it has to be this way. I know other herds do things like this, pass on rulership from parent to child but... We, as a herd, recognize and reward talent, don’t we? But...” Castor frowned, finding a small flaw in his own ideas. “It might not be easy to pick out who would be the best I suppose... It would have to be someone who already has some rank so you know they do well with it; a proven commander. Someone from one of the marks I suppose. Yes...”
But Meleager still hadn’t agreed, so there was no point planning the logistics of choosing an heir from the herd at large. “Where are the benefits in choosing one of your children as your heir?” the tall stallion asked eventually. “I mean, other than the convenience of not having to search one out, though I do see that that could be a factor.” If people knew he was looking, might they not vie for his favor and attention?... but that already happened to a degree in the marks. Those who sucked up but had little real talent were never selected by the captains for positions of responsibility and they accepted that, everyone accepted that the best got the best.
“I’m... sorry,” the tall crossbreed added after a moment, looking back up at Meleager regretfully. “I never wanted to have this conversation, I’ve been putting it off since you first mentioned making your children heirs but... but I really think it would be best for the herd in the long run if you didn’t establish a monarchy. I know it’s really my role to advise you on battle tactics but... but I had to say something, and I hope my opinion here isn’t out of line.”
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 10:26 am
"I never wanted to have this conversation, either," Meleager said, more sharply than he'd intended. He couldn't regret it, though; the words spilled from his mouth before he could think, anger sparked by wounded pride. "Why now, Castor? Because I'm going to talk to Jocasta tomorrow? Are you trying to persuade me that I don't want children at all?"
The muscled stallion paused briefly; although his tone was angry, his posture and expression were not. Taking a breath, he continued, "It won't work. I want foals - I'm meant to be a father, and I know I'll... I'll do a better job this time." For a moment, his words faltered, but he picked up the train of thought again quickly. "I want a child of mine to be my heir because I want them to have something from me - I want to pass that on because it's mine, and I'm proud of it, and I want... I don't know." The grey Reya trailed off, glancing down at the ground.
"Maybe it's stupid," he said with a shrug as he looked back up at Castor, all the vehemence gone from his voice, "but I'm not sure I can explain it any better than that. And if..." He hesitated. "If this is because you don't want me to have children with some mare, then you really don't need to worry."
Meleager took a step or two closer to his partner, searching his face for his reaction so far, looking into his eyes as he spoke again. "I love you, and nothing and no one can change that. I'm not going to fall for Jocasta even if she does become the mother of my foals - she's just a substitute." The bulky grey fell silent at last, all his impetus lost in a tangle of emotions that even he couldn't understand.
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Posted: Tue Jan 27, 2009 1:40 pm
Castor sighed wearily and looked down. “This isn’t about the foals themselves at all, I swear it. I’m thrilled at the thought of you having children Meleager, and I know you’ll be a wonderful parent but...” But what? He’d argued all he could, hadn’t he? What more could he do but reiterate his points and hear Meleager reiterate his? It was all so... so... selfish. What Meleager wanted for himself. What Meleager wanted for his own children. Meleager was thinking like a person, and a person put their family before everything.
Surely, though, a herdleader should put their herd before everything? How could he say something like that to the bulky Reya? Even he could tell it would be a harsh thing to say, but it felt as though Meleager was being harsh with him... Or maybe he was imagining it. He wished he knew for sure. How was it that he could predict what an enemy faction would do in battle, and yet couldn’t predict what effect his words might have on another, couldn’t tell what effect their words were calculated to have on him? Well, that was why he was a tactician not an ambassador, he supposed. He didn’t need people skills. Usually.
“All I can say to you about this is... well it what I’ve said already,” Castor said eventually, his tails beginning to twitch again. “I think it’s a bad idea. I think it would do our herd harm in the long run, and in the short run even, it may well be that we will no longer be led by the very best of the best... I came to talk to you now, because so far as I see it, it is the last chance and... and I’ve been putting it off, as I said.” There had to be something else he could say! Despite all the logical arguments he was making, Meleager wasn’t listening and he had to make him listen somehow.
“What about everything else you’ll pass on?” he tried desperately. “I mean, you have much more to give foals than your power, and you can only give that to one of them in any case...” Where was he going with this? He didn’t even know. “I just... well I just...” the blue crossbreed frowned and shook his head. “I don’t even know what ‘I just’,” he murmured, looking up again at last. “I... I didn’t want to have this conversation, because I love you too. I didn’t want to do this, I didn’t want to say these things.” He had dreaded this, dreaded it all going exactly as it was going now. Meleager wouldn’t listen to him, and in a few generations they would be just another herd.
Handrakai Hellene, nothing herd of whatever territory stronger herds left to them.
“If I have foals then, unlikely as it is,” he said eventually, heavily, “may I pass on to one of them the post I am so proud of? May Clytemnestra, if she so wishes? She wouldn’t give it to Iphigenia if I know anything of her at all, but if she had a child who was vaguely suited to the role then she might want to. Would you allow that? What of Iris?” How he wished the Commandante were here, perhaps she would be able to talk some sense into Meleager if she were. Perhaps Iris would be able to, come to think of it. Or perhaps not. Meleager was so stubborn.
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:20 pm
That hadn't exactly been the reply he'd hoped for, even softened by reciprocal expressions of love. The herdleader stared blankly at his partner for several moments, then swore loudly, stamping one heavy hoof onto the soft ground. "Damnit!"
He swung round, away from Castor, striding to the other side of the clearing with no thought for how his heavy steps tore up the soft grass. He hatedthis. Near shaking with annoyance, ears and tails twitching, the bulky Reya paced the length of his home. He was frowning as if deep in thought, but all his concentration went on thinking straight.
He didn't even glance at Castor, couldn't will himself to do it, just in case. Meleager's pride told him that the tactician knew nothing, should not be listened to, should in fact be sent away immediately, with force if necessary. If he looked back at Castor, he was afraid he would hurt him. And yet some other part of his mind said that maybe the slim, beautiful, crossbreed was right. The seed of an idea had been planted there now, and he could feel it growing, eating away at his confidence and his expectations. He could see Castor's point. He could see it happening as he had said - the herd falling into decline, its leaders becoming weak, corrupt - and he hated it. Even, he silently admitted to himself, his frown deepening, feared it.
He didn't want that to happen, and he couldn't let it happen. And so that meant... that as much as he wanted his children to inherit all that he had built, he couldn't. Rather, the herd had to come first. Meleager felt a stab of guilt as he thought of all the lives that could be affected by his decision, for better or worse - then a cold twist in his guts as he remembered Castor. Meleager stopped abruptly. How he'd acted towards the pale stallion...
The dappled Reya turned stiffly, head lowered, barely looking up at his partner. A mixture of shame and wounded pride kept his voice low as he spoke. "Fine." He paused, took a breath, and let it out in a quiet sigh. "I see your point."
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:30 pm
...It didn’t make him happy. A little relieved perhaps, relieved as Master Tactician but as Castor... As Castor he was miserable. This had all gone so much worse than he’d imagined, even though Meleager understood where he was coming from now he couldn’t really consider it a success. Castor sighed and nodded to his partner’s words, lowering his eyes to the grass once more.
“I wish I hadn’t felt this necessary,” he said after a few moments. “I wish I hadn’t felt the need to any of those things. You’re... angry with me? If you are, you have every right to be. I should have brought this up sooner, I should have been able to put it all better but... but I didn’t bring it up sooner, and I couldn’t say it any better so all I can do is apologise.” What good would that do? Not much probably. Did Meleager hate him now? He couldn’t stand that thought.
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:44 pm
"Don't apologise, you idiot," Meleager said sharply, but there was no force behind the words. "You were right; you don't need to apologise for that. I'm not angry with you. I am... angry with myself," he finished in a half-incoherent mutter under his breath as he turned away again. In truth most of the anger was gone now, but without a proper outlet it had left him tense and restless. He didn't want Castor to be there, he realised. His pride was still stinging, and he wanted to run or shout or... or hit something, and he didn't want Castor to be on the receiving end of that.
Besides, if the tactician stayed, the conversation might continue, and Meleager wasn't sure he could stick with his current opinion if given the chance to argue again. Yes, Castor was probably right, but... He needed to not think about that for a while, and let the realisation sink in properly, let himself adjust.
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Posted: Wed Feb 11, 2009 12:51 pm
“Oh,” Castor shifted uncomfortably, unsure of what else to say, “alright then...” Now what? Did he try to turn the conversation in another direction? Offer reassurance? Slink off and go to sleep, yes it was past time for sleeping now and it would probably take him a while to drift off, he was going to be tired tomorrow. “Is there anything I can do for you?” the crossbreed asked hesitantly. Honestly, right now, leaving sounded like the most attractive option. He just wanted this encounter to be over and done with. He hoped he hadn’t put Meleager off having foals after all; he had been looking forward to knowing Meleager’s children a great deal.
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