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 Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 5:07 pm
Okay... This is my first story on Gaia, so don't judge me if I screw up. I base most of my stories off demonic things, where people get powers and whatnot, to things close to Final Fantasy. So if I actually manage to remember this place over the time that I am here, I will write a lot. So, without further adeau, here is my story "Demon's Lair". .:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:. Prolouge
In the year 2005, a boy in Japan went to an ordinary school as an ordinary boy, who took normal classes and made A's and B's. His home was like any other japanese families. The boy's name was Akahito Tadayoshi. His life was great. Well, until recently...
He was in the eighth grade and had taken a recent liking to demonic beings and mythical creatures. He checked the local library on a good book for those kinds of things, and found a book called "The Darkness of Demons and Myth". It told him about the demonic forms of the seven deadly sins, the half man half horse called a centaur, gods like Zeus and Athens, and so on. His favorite topic in the book, though, was "Chapter Eleven - Demons and Dark Magic". It told him how Satan and his devils worked their way into the world of the living to cause supernatural chaos. It told people how to do that certain thing, along with how you know where you were going. Akahito decided to try it out...
He looked around in the stores for the ingredients used for the black magic. He got candles, food as offering to pass through to the realm of darkness, and other things. Afterwords, he set up his room so that everything was out of his way. Drawing the diagram on the ground, he placed all seven candles around the circle, and put the bowl of food and other items in the middle. He then began speaking the words to work the magic. Suddenly, everything grew darker, and the bowl dissapeared. In the middle of the circle, a red dot appeared. It grew larger and larger until it swallowed everything whole, including Akahito himself...
Appearing into the shadow realm was his biggest mistake. Demons and devils glared at him because he didn't belong. Not knowing what to do, he walked towards the biggest building he could find. That, too, was a big mistake. Entering the haven of Satan himself, he only had two choices. Die right there, or become a demon guardian. Akahito chose the obvious choice, to become a demon guardian. Satan used his knowledge of black magic to teleport Akahito to Envy's shadow realm. That is where the true story begins...
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Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 5:16 pm
Chapter 1
Akahito looked up at the giant monster. Envy, the demonic form of one of the seven deadly sins, looked down at him. She seemed suprised that a mere human had somehow entered into her realm. "What is your buisness here, human?" boomed her loud voice. Akahito trembled in fear at the demon. He didn't know if she was angry, calm, or what. Maybe I should tell her what I came here for... thought he. Looking up at her mighty face, he answered, "I'm here by the choice of Satan himself to become the demon guardian." His voice was small, pathetic. Envy looked down at the boy with shock, and shook her head. "I envy you humans, as I am supposed to do. You get all the adventures, while I am to sit here for all eternity," Envy sighed, and waved her hand, "but then again, it is still fun to watch you kill yourselves over a demons job..." Blue winds swirled around Akahito, and he looked down at them. He felt more powerful by the second, but also weak. His human side was fading as he transformed from human to demon. He, Akahito, would be the first half-breed demon in history. Atleast, the first human half-breed...
Suddenly, two swords appeared before him. He stood there, wide-eyed at the size of them. He was also surprised at the shock of energy radiating from the edges of the shadow realm. "I have given you your first power. You may summon these swords whenever you wish. But, there are downsides to your power..." Her voiced rang like a bell through-out the realm. She spoke again, and said the rules, "You will weaken in the world of the living, but not entirely. You are most powerful in the demonic realms. If you stay too long in the realm of the living, you will revert back to your human state untill you enter the shadow realms again. That is all I have to say for now." Envy waved her hand once more, and he arrived back in the grand hall of Satan's Castle. I trust you've learned what you can do, said a voice in his head. It sounded like Satans, so Akahito spoke aloud. "Yes, I have, but I don't know how to control my powers..." He sighed in dissapointment. You will learn how to use them in time. Now, you will return to your realm. Looking around, he asked, "How will I know when to come back?" When the light in the sky touches earth, and the darkness overwhelms your lands sending in demons that only you can see is when you will return. And with that, he appeared back in his room. He looked down at the ground, and everything was gone. "Akahito, its time for dinner!" called his mother. He walked out the door, and went to eat..
Lying there in bed, he thought about the events that went on only hours before. The feeling of power had gone away, and he felt normal now. The sun had set, but no demons were in sight. He was starting to wonder if it was all a dream... Just some wierd, yet very vivid dream. Hopping out of bed, he reached for the book he checked out, and started to read it again. He got as far as "Chapter 21 - Curses" before he fell asleep reading...
.:~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~:.
Akahito woke up in the morning, groggy. He got up and looked at the time. It was 7:30 A.M., and he was late for school! Hurrying downstairs, he ate his breakfast and went back up to get dressed. Running out of the house, he got on his bike and peddled as fast as possible. He only had about five minutes before he was late. The second he arrived at school, the bell had rang and he had to run into his classroom. Although school went by quickly, it was still very boring. The days went on the same way until a week after the recent events, when night came and the demons came out. He retrieved the book, and followed the instructions once more. In a few minutes, he ended up in Satan's Castle once more.
End of Chapter 1 {{ Will finish in due time, my friends. For now, please send me a PM on what you think of my story. It is a work in progress, and I hope you like it. Also, if you want to comment, you may go ahead and post below. I with only use this one for the prolouge, Chapter 1, and Chapter 2. I like to be neat, and don't want to clutter the page with a lot of text. Especially when there is already enough text. }}
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Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 5:50 pm
Chapter 2
Good. You have arrived. I have an assignment for you. Satan said through his head. Satan explained all the details to him, where to go, and who to cause chaos to. Basicly, his mission was to go to a random persons car and pop all four of the tires, and place a bomb that would go off when she started the car. He didn't have a choice but to do it, or it would mean death if he disobeyed. Letting Satan send him back to the world of the living, he walked around, looking for a car to screw up. He finally chose a car, a Nissan 350Z in good condition. Akahito popped the tires, and attached the latches for the bomb to the engine. Good... Return to me now. I have allowed your mind to memorize all the ingredients you need, and given you the ability to summon them as well. If you don't arrive here in ten minutes, I will kill you. Satan gave his instructions to Akahito, and upon his finishing, he went to work on the diagram. It took him eight minutes to arrive at Satan's Castle. And this time, he finally had the chance to see him. "Well done, youngling. You are on your way to becoming a master of causing chaos in the world. Return in one week. If you wish, you may go and see the combat trainer. He will teach you Tai Kwan Do, Kung Fu, Martial Arts, and Aikido all in five minutes. If he doesn't do it in fine minutes, you tell me, and I will have his head..." boomed his voice. Akahito hurridly walked out of the hall, and towards the combat trainer's house...
He arrived at the trainer's house, and he went inside. The bell rang when he opened the door, but no one showed up. "Hello? Is anyone here?" He called out. "Stay there, and don't do anything!" A girl's voice said. He waited for a few minutes, and a girl appeared in the doorway. She looked human, but he knew better than to assume she was. She wore a red tanktop with black jeans. Honestly, he didn't think people in the shadow realm would wear stuff like that. "Ah, I know who you are. Satan has sent you here to learn four of the types of combat that I know. Come in here, and sit down. I will train you." She waved her hand, telling him to enter into the room. "Sit down, there" She pointed out. He sat down, not wanting to defy her. Especially when she was a combat trainer. "Now, close your eyes." She lifted her hand to his forehead, and he waited. Four and a half minutes passed, and she put down her hand. "There, it's done. It will take about half an hour before you will notice your new knowledge." Akahito stood up, and thanked her. He walked out, and the second he did, he arrived in his room. He looked out the window, and saw his parents just coming home. Luckily... If he wasn't here when they got home, he'd get it alright. Yawning, he went downstairs to work on his homework...
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Posted: Mon Jan 05, 2009 5:56 pm
Okay, before I do anything else, I would like to know if anyone could make a manga for my story? You will get credit for creating the manga, as well as character & background creation. If you want me to, I will pay you 1,000g for each chapter you draw as an added bonus. The Prolouge doesn't count as a chapter. That one will be put on the back, or somewhere in the front pages of the manga as text. If you are interested, PM me about the offer. One thing, though. If I don't see the page first, you don't get the money.
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Posted: Tue Mar 17, 2009 11:34 pm
If you intend to hire a mangaka, you shouldn't look here, but rather present your offer to someone in the art forums.
In the meantime, this post is reserved for my review.
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Posted: Thu Mar 19, 2009 11:53 am
i. I really like stories that revolve around forces that are not always on the positive side. I myself write stories where the protagonist does NOT win, and to be honest, I hang around Anti-Heros, unless I am forced to portray a specific character that is not. So the aspect of your story intrigues me.
ii. The use of the deadly sins, your main character is not entirely of human blood (And to be honest, it does not annoy me, which is strange because gaia has destroyed vampires, demons and angels for me forever. XD)Very nice. I even like Satan.
iii. However, that said, I am feeling that your characters are.. lacking. And I am not talking about writing fluff, I am talking about girth. Like, usually something as epic as a deadly sin should have an intro a bit more grusome than that. Explain what Envy should look like when you present her in your story. So far, I know that she is big and has a loud voice. But I want to know, does she, drool acid spit, has snakes coming out of her head like medusa, does your main character have to cover his nose from the stench? Or is she a beautiful woman that just happens to be a giant?
And since your first chapter has your main character in it right away, I would have some kind of chapter to explain him. The readers need to know if they can side with this character. Does he have faults and or fears? Does he have scars from battles that readers can level with? Did he have a family? It seems like a lot but usually when you focus on one character's adventures, you want to make it CLEAR who that character is, what he does and his past.
As for composition, the only thing other than simple mistakes, punctuation, some spelling, is to remember the enter button is your friend, and when one person speaks and then another you have to seperate it by spaces. The great thing about the enter button, is that at the end of some of those sentences, you do not have to put. "he said, she said," because it is already implied! Magic! Voila!
Over-all, I think you have a great start. I really do, just read over some fantasy book and take a look at just one of their paragraphs and catch a glimpse of all those metaphors and the like, and you will see that which I am talking about.
^^
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