|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
 Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:23 pm
[the dashboard melted] [syd]  Full Name: Sydney Colin Brown
You Can Call Me: Syd
Gender: Male
Age: 25
DOB: October 17th, 1983
Persona: Theres two sides to Sydney, sort of like split personalities, but he wasn't born with this. No, he inflicted it on himself. See, one side is a nice, spophisticated, and serious person, who can concentrate well and is kind to others. The other side, is a mean, snarky b*****d, whos overly sexual, too forward, violent, and cruel. The thing that sets these two apart is very simple. The kind and sophisticated one is when he's sober, but once he hits the narcotics, the bad one comes forth. The only acception to this is Christmas time. He's always pissy then.
Likes: Absinthe
Cigarettes
Niraj
The City
Camping
Food
The more than occasional round of cocaine
Crossdressers
Music
Musical Instruments
Romance
The night
Autumn
Rain
Chavs
Calum in general
Love
<3
 Dislikes:
Certain narcotics.
Snow
Hoodies
Love just for Sex and drugs
Law Enforcement
Authoritive Figures
Dead things
Punk rocker/emo kids
Friends: Niraj, Etah, Kevin Unknown, Corbin...Dreville...
Aquaintences: ...
Enemies: Dreville...
Mate/Love Intrest: Engaged to Calum?!
Offspring: Not technically considered offspring, but she is our daughter indeed. Sadie.
Parents: Mary and Kyle Brown...at least thats what uncle Ken told me. Personally, I'd rather ignore their existence.
Sexual Orientation: I suppose I'm gay. Maybe bi? Haven't dated a girl since university.
Theme Song(s): Rabbit In Your Headlights by U.N.K.L.E. [but we still had the radio]
|
 |
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:31 pm
[the dashboard melted] [past] 
Light. Inhale, exhale, repeat. I'm warning you, this is all very bland...wouldn't read it if I were you.
[england]
There was an orphanage in England, a cheery little place, I suppose. The boys an girls were happy...I suppose I was happy too. It was home, all I'd known as a young child. Those cheery little dorms with windows facing a cheery little garden and playground. It was a small orphanage, run by some rich ladies, cheery too. There were only twenty children, maybe fourteen adults...we always had attention, always time with one of those ladies. They were all young, pretty little women who had caring personalities, they'd always help us...but they were oblivious, bloody little idiots.
My favorite idiot was Miss Ellie.
She told me I'd come out addicted to meth. Disgusting, rotten stuff... "Never touch it, Sydney," Ellie would say in her gentle little voice, "It'll ruin your life."
I remember the scene well, at ten, I was curled up in her lap, my fingers curling around in her cascading curls, crying. Her hair was a fair blonde, her skin soft and pale and when the sun shone behind her, you could see a halo form around her head. I remember her eyes were the colour of honey and her features were like a dolls. She was the smallest of the women, short and a tad plump, but she was the most lovely. She was the youngest, too, only twenty six.
Her voice was just as beautiful as she was, soft, kind, and comforting. She was also brilliant, too. She was very musical and had a great singing voice, as well as extrordinary ability in the piano and violin. She was the one that taught me these two instruments, which I learned quickly. I never did ask her why she chose to work in an orphanage rather than a career in music, it's always boggled me.
"Now," I remember her saying, "Don't worry, you're uncle and your aunt are very nice, you remember meeting them, right?" I nodded, sniffling as she whiped at my eyes with her sleeve, "And I've heard you've got an older cousin, his names Harold,and I've heard he's quite the exceptional young man, he can play the cello. He's smart and kind and musical, you'll fit right in, Sydney. And after three years you can come back, and wait for a family to adopt you."
"I don't want to be adopted, I want to stay here, everyone is nice to me here, I don't want to be away from you, Miss Ellie!" I remember clinging to her, bearing my face in her shoulder and sobbing. She was like a mother to me, and is probaly the reason why I take so much comfort in being close to others...she always made me feel accepted and was always close. She was always there when I was a child, always.
"Now now, Sydney." She said, "You're almost grown, you can't be sobbing like this, your Uncle will be here within the hour and we're only half done packing you up." I climbed off, looking around at the folded t-shirts she'd prepared and other things I'd need for the trip, she stood up and bent down, smiling, "Don't worry, three years, I'll send you letters and goodies, alright?" I stared at her, brightening up.
I was excited to meet my cousin.
Paradise was only a matter of hours away.
[iceland]
Cold was the first thing I remember feeling in that place. It was dark and everyone wore wool sweaters, inculding my uncle and me. I remember sitting in a car, squirming and peering at everything excitably, I'd been on a plane ride for the first time (and I found it boring and uncomfortable yet exciting at the same time) and I was in a new country for the first time. I was going to meet people for the first time...and, most of all, I was finally out of the orphanage.
I'd been there since I was a baby, me parents decided I cried too much to love me. At least they had the sense to drop me off somewhere nice...later I found out that they just left me there because it was the closest one.
My newfound sense of freedom boiled up through me, keeping me warm despite the cold. I watched things go by, staring wide eyed and amazed at this strange place. It was pitch black out, I could hardly see anything, despite there being street lights.
We drove for about an hour, I think, though I fell asleep for half of it. I woke to uncle shaking me a little, "Sydney, Sydney, wake up..." He was saying. Opening my eyes, I saw a fairly large house, surrounded by black. It was all I could see, a few tiny beacons in a sea of black, I didn't know where we were, I was reluctant. "Come on, come out now," Uncle said, "I know you're tired but Harold and Auntie Evette want to meet you." He grabbed my hand, it was firm and reassuring.
As I stepped out I felt and heard and smelled the hum of the sea, I'd only been to it once on a field trip, I could barely rememeber, though the sound was familiar and calming. Playing along with the sea was the more crisp sound of grass, long, tall grass, they must've lived in a feild, I heard they owned a lot of land. Sticking my hand out as I walked, I felt long grass trickle across my palm, poking it, sliding across. I closed my eyes, listening to the sounds, whisps and hums, as my uncle lead me to the beacons.
When I opened my eyes, I was enveloped in warmth and light. It was refreshing, I'd been feeling cold, genuine cold, a sharp thing that kept me alert, and created warmth, strange smelling and fake feeling. But this, authentic warmth, was dull and soft, sootheing me from the outside in and back out again. I looked around the welcoming house and spotted my aunt first. She hugged me, telling me how darling I was, and how glad she was to have me. "Oh, come, now, meet your big cousin." She lead me to him, even though he was only a few feet away. She felt I needed a push. You see, I was a short child, I didn't grow until highschool, I looked seven when I was ten, perhaps this is why Auntie always treated me like a very small child.
She pushed me to a very tall, skinny boy. He was three years older, making him thirteen, but he looked like he was fifteen. His hair was long, and he wore a t-shirt with some Icelandic band's logo. He looked like me, but older. I was so surprised at this, our face shape, our body shape, everything, even our hair color, the only difference was, that his eyes were a very brilliant pale green that I am still amazed with to this day. Mine, however, were, and still are, a hollow deep blue that looks almost black, but he always said my eyes were nice. I soon learned that our similarities were due to our fathers being identical twins, and we both took after our fathers.
My first impression of Harold as a boy was that he would be incredibly mean and pick on me, I remember shying back behind auntie, but what happened next amazed me, more than his eyes. He smiled, a very shy and demeur smile, and he reached out and hugged me, gently. His touch was kind and welcoming.
"Hullo there, Sydney..." He said, his voice was gentle. I realised it was his accent, Icelandic accents make every voice seem small and gentle, especially a woman's.
I would be sharing a room with this boy.
[harold]
Harold was a very shy boy. He would rarely talk to anyone unless his mother or father, or, sometimes I, would encourage him. He was very handsome though, and I was surprised that he wasn't popular at school. We went to a Jewish private school, though Harold was never too keen to it.
I wasn't very popular either, so we stuck together most of the time. On days with no school, we'd go play in the fields around Harold's house. They were huge, and they lead down to a beach. We'd run for hours and play in the grass. One sunday we'd found an old couch just sitting on the edge of the feild facing the ocean. We'd sit there and talk sometimes.
I remember our conversations clearly.
"Sydney...do you have friends at the orphanage...?" He'd ask me.
"I dunno...sometimes..."
"Sometimes?"
"Yeah..." I muttered, "Sometimes the boys will be nice to me...one time they gave me a drink that made me see weird things...like floaty colours and stuff..."
"Colours..." He laughed a bit, "It doesn't seem like a good drink..."
"It tasted alright..." I shrugged, "What about you...do you have friends at school?"
"...No..." He said it so silently, his tone so morose, matched with his gentle, feeble voice, I felt sorry for someone for the first time. I hugged him tightly.
Once, while we stared at the ocean together, my hand touched his, and we stared at eachother for a long time. I observed the way the light played with his pale green eyes and how he stood out so well from the overcast skies. I kissed him, and he kissed me, softly, and we both shot our gazes and minds to the sea. His eyes looked brighter after that day.
[back again]
Three years in Iceland and I was back in the orphanage. I'd grown in that cold place, shot up, really, like a plant or something.
That last year in London was one that I'd become rebellious. Though I was happy to see and be around Miss Ellie again I'd become akward, she seemed much more attractive, and I'd found myself sick for lusting after the girl. So I'd drown myself in something I'd tried when I was nine, cigarettes and drugs. I'd smoke them behind a shed in the yard with some of the older boys. They'd, everyonce in a while, would get a hold of the and we'd sneak out on the town, smoking and drinking. I found it useful in denying the fact that I was in love with my teacher, often I'd find myself staring into her eyes and watching as her lovely hair created a halo when the sun shone on it just right. I had, more or less, hit puberty.
My fun with the older boys was cut short two months after my fourteenth birthday.
I'd been adopted.
[america]
My new family was a couple of plump little super-Christian California natives.
They lived in San Diego and drug me there with them. They were nice, though, they lived in a fancy neighbourhood where all of the kids were extremely sheltered and got into all sorts of trouble at night; it was my kind of place, really. Maggie and Neil were their names. Cute little things, really. They'd had trouble getting pregnant, so after a long process, they'd decided to adopt, and though they mentioned they'd rather had adopted a child as a baby, they 'simply fell in love' with me. Really, in my angst driven thought process, I knew that they'd adopted me in hopes of selliung out on my skill on the violin. They'd always encourage me, as I learned more and more instruments out of pure boredom, to join up in different talent contests and various things of the sort. I'd never joined, to them I was quite the recluse, and they blamed all that 'gosh darn hip hop and rap and gangster this, gangster this! Well no child of mine is going to listen to hippity hop!'. I'd always shoot back with some comment that would get me slapped.
I didn't understand, I wasn't into hip hop at all, I was a little punk kid, stuck in my own genre. I suppose hip hop for the nineties was like rock for the fifties. Though, I didn't mind none.
I snuck out often, and I'd hang out on street corners, and occasionally rollerskating joints, but that was for the weekends. Me and my little group of friends would smoke and do narcotics, generally just bugging store owners and being obnoxious. At seventeen, I'd been brought home by more than a few police officers. In that area, none of the kids got arrested, if you lived in certain neighbourhoods, that was. You'd get let off from something major, like vandalizing something or getting caught with weed, with just a lecture and a ride home. It was all so simple. Most of the time I could get off easy with just the fact that the officers new me by name. The women were all especially easy.
I was going with a girl named Sara, she was a cute little skank who said she loved me. She was small, blonde, and sweet most of the time. She was a little manipulative, though, she'd talk me into buying many a thing, most of them expensive, but we looked good together, sporting raybans and whatever was in style those days.
One day, at school, a friend of mine named Jonny, he was a petite sort of feminine little thing, told me there was a rumour that she'd gotten pregnant, and that it was mine. I dumped her, prominently. Turns out the kid wasn't mine, it was some popular jocks, so my dumping her wasn't totally worthless.
Though I could've had all the girls in the world there, (and at one point in my highschool career, I felt as though I did) California was too phony for me, so I moved up North to Oregon.
[university]
It took a while to get used to.
I was alone now, living by myself. Besides the occasional conversation with my neighbour, a nice old man named Sean, my only link to the world outside of that little state was the letters I got, some from Maggie and Neil, but most from Harold. He sent me such nice e-mails, he was much better with words than I. He'd lovingly describe what the weather was like or what he'd done or what my aunt and uncle were up too. He'd been on his own for a few years, and was feeling lonely as well. I suppose the lonely college kid life for him was treating him about as well as it was treating me We talked everyday, sometimes all night. Ah, the wonders of the internet. We'd called every once in a while, but long distance prices were crazy...
As for Miss Ellie, I'd lost touch after I'd gotten adopted, and, now, realising how alone I was, I'd felt terrible for abandoning her. It's not like I'd tried, I'd lost the adress and never tried again...
As for college, I'd lived a short ways from it, I was studying music theory, it'd seemed to be the only thing I really understood.
I was still lonely, even though I had my cousin, Sean, and my music, I longed more. I'd pick up on girls at school, but, I couldn't hold on longer than a one night stand, nothing about them satisfied me anymore...I'd go through one after another and I'd still feel empty, not even their love soothed me. The happiest I was in whole college career was when Harold came down for the summers. We'd spend a lot of time riding bikes and hiking, it made me forget about how much I lacked in the romance department...
[gibbons]
Sean had this dog that was pregnant, and sadly, one day, came the time for Sean to move. His dog had one puppy, he was an adorable little thing. On the weekends, when I wasn't working, I'd go over to talk with Sean, and watch the puppy. Unfourtuatly, Sean could only keep one dog, and he gave the puppy, who'd we'd been calling Gibbons, to me. I trained him, and he became my anchor to the world. We were the best of friends, and we had so much in common. He wasn't too sociable, and neither was I. Despite the fact that he liked to thoroughly coat me in drool when I got home from my day-job [which was just a few hours in a library helping kids with math, but we'll get to that later], he was great. We'd play a little and nap, study, and walk, and then I'd go to my night job [Djing in a club], it was great. He kept me company when there was no one else, and made me feel happy, and if I wasn't, he'd make sure it'd change.
He made me forget about my horrid habits, I stopped taking most of the drugs, eventually, it caught up with me, and I got withdrawl.
The pain was horrible the first day, I couldn't keep anything down. I'd resorted to the drugs, to ease me, I didn't know why I felt so bad...
[johnny]
One night, while DJing at a hip club, I ran into my highschool friend, Johnny.
It was a fateful night indeed, one that I knew would change my life forever.
We'd talked all night, drinking at a nearby bar and dancing together. Though I knew he was gay, and he knew I was straight, what happened next surprised me.
An impulse in my gut hit me, perhaps it was the alcohol and the mixture of things we'd been snorting off of sinks and windowsills, but as we were dancing, I leaned down, kissing him, and, as I was fighting back memories of my cousin, he kissed me back.
We'd spent the night at my house, I won't tell you what we were doing. I woke up, warm, shocked, and oddly happy as I found him clinging to me. I'd wrapped my arms around him, thinking to myself. I felt strangely satisfied, though, I also felt alienated. I'd felt better now, compared to waking up next to some woman.
I let go and peeled him off, walking to my kitchen and getting coffee.
He seemed to feel the same, and we talked a lot, a lot of it was me mumbling stuff like, "I can't beleive this. Am I gay? Does this make me gay?" and he nodded to it all, grinning sadistically, he was kind of a b***h like that.
Anyways...we dated for a while, though barely any of it involved love, at least on his part. I loved him as much as I could, even though, deep down, I knew it was strictly a drug and sex kind of thing.
One day, three months into our little 'relationship', I came home from work, and found him sitting on my couch, higher than a kite, all the drugs I'd owned, the containers sprawled out on the ground, along with spilled pills and white powder. I stared at him, and, through his hazy eyes and voice, he muttered out a "I love you, Sydie-poo."
I snapped, grabbing him and staring, mainly angry about the drugs. Johnny, who was an unpredictable little fellow, whipped out this horrible blade, pushing me back on the couch. I won't go into detail, but what happened on that day, have made me become so cold, he forced himself all over me. I was left with two scars from his blade, one very long one down my stomach, and another across the back of my neck, which, is the reason my hair is long, I can't go around showing off such a horrible thing, can I?
[the car]
Lets rewind a bit, that is, if you're still reading this sack of s**t.
While tutoring at the library, I'd met an exuberant boy named Niraj. He was about seventeen, when I met him. He was smart, and we talked a lot. He'd told me he came to the library after school because he didn't want to go home. Apparently, his father and step-mother were uptight and homophobic, and he, of course, was gay. I'd felt sorry for him, and so I hung out with him everyonce and a while. I must admit, while I was dating Johnny, I developed quite a crush on him...we were very fast friends, he brightened my day, and sometimes, when Harold was around, he would come along with us, and we'd have epic adventures in the city.
One day in November, a few weeks after the thing with Johnny, as I was trying to get ahold of Niraj, I happened to turn on the news. It said that a teenage boy had reportedly been found cold and dead in his bathtub, his wrists sliced and his tub full of red water.
And then I heard his name and his cheery little picture, sitting there on the screen, almost mocking me. I didn't cry or anything. Instead, I turned off the TV and hopped on my bike, riding around and thinking to myself. I supposed his parents had driven him to the edge.
I stopped in a forest that was near my house, and I sat on a dike, staring at the river and finally, tears started pouring down. I cried for a good hour, oddly unrelieved that no one was around.
I went home and drank, drank until I couldn't see. I took Gibbons out to my car and sat him in the passengers seat, I didn't care how excited he was, he thought he was going somewhere. We were going somewhere, alright...I drove out to a secluded area, pulling in a hidden and abandoned lot, and I stared at everything, figuring it'd be the last thing I saw. It's alright. I'd thought, It's fitting for a guy like me to have to look at something ugly like that. I ran a garden hose from the tailpipe to the window, and ran the car. I eventually passed out, and woke up fifteen minutes later with a headache and Gibbons staring at me expectantly. At first, I was angry, realising the backseat windows were wide open. I was going to try again, but I eventually chickened out, driving home angstily and hiding in my bed for a week.
I'd fallen in love with that boy, I knew he at least liked me, I was going to confess to him that day.
It was just my luck, really.
And then, I met Dreville.
[in the end]
First, I thought I was hallucinating. I'll cut things short here, I was beginning to see her everyday, I just began to deal with her. She was cute, I suppose, she gave me company when it was needed, I spoke, and she spoke back. Her name was Dreville, Daughter Dreville, and she liked to play games.
I told Harold and he thought I was crazy, thought I needed help.
Dreville eventually became a buzzkill, she'd threaten me, and, eventually, she'd show me terrible visions of things I would rather not explain, visions of Niraj's dying moments, visions of what Johnny did, visions of my dear cousin being brutally mutilated. I couldn't stand it.
My only escape were my dreams. Every night, I'd be on a quaint island, spending time with Niraj. He looked different, though I couldn't put my finger on it. There were also talking fox bunny squirrel rat things, called Namrah.
My dreams were so pleasant, much better than reality. I longed to escape more. Niraj loved me in them, we loved eachother, we kissed and hugged and were lovers.
Those dreams felt so real, they were so detailed.
We eventually broke up in the dreams...things got akward...
The place was nice, though.
In death, I would be able to live in such dreams.
It was December, cold and dark and rainy. I took Gibbons to the pound, I cried all the way there. He seemed to understand though. I promised I'd see him again, someday.
I went home, drank wine and turned on some nice music, took out my gun and stared down it for a while, before finally pulling the trigger.
When I opened my eyes I was here, in Namiah, staring up at the smiling Niraj.
I was happy, for a while, though Dreville came back. I suppose, in whatever sort of reality I'm in, I will never lose her, or my memories, and I'm worried for my cousin.
I suppose it wasn't too good of a choice.
But..I'm happy.
For the most part.
Thats all that counts, right? [but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:32 pm
[the dashboard melted] [opinions] [friends]
Niraj::
Niraj is probaly my favourite person...we've been through a lot together.
In the words of the underground death metal freaks that are Coal Chamber, "We're just two ******** ups, at least we're ******** up together."
Etah::
I don't really know this guy, but...he seems pretty interesting, we've talked a few times, but I don't see him around much. I gave him some stuff...I wonder if he liked it...?
Kevin Unknown::
I also haven't talked to this guy that much...but he seems cool, I respect his view on things, even if he is just a punk rocker slug who thinks I'm a woman.
Calum::
Calum is the best. He don't discriminate. He's so sweet, I love him.
[aqaintences]
[lover]
I'm surprised, I actually found someone on this rat hole of an Island. I love Calum completely, he's understanding and he doesn't judge. He never yells at me and he isn't using me. I dig it. [but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:33 pm
[the dashboard melted] [hallucinations] I hallucinate a lot...
Before, they used to just come when I was on something...now they come whenever they want...
My brain must be fried from drugs...
Why couldn't have someone just killed me sooner?
<::Daughter Dreville::>
Dreville is a little girl, no more than ten or eleven. She looks normal, she is wearing a bonnet and a pioneer dress with an apron, her hair is blonde and she is sort of pale, but she looks healthy, I guess, and she has really gorgeous baby blue eyes. She wears ribbons in her hair and everything. There is one eerie thing about her though, she is always giggling. Before I see her I hear a giggle and then I turn my head and she is there, just watching me with these big, blue eyes, her face emotionless. Also, she's always carrying around a little dead rabbit like it's a toy. I'm not sure what to make of her...I see her the most.
But...I don't think she's just a hallucination...Calum can see her.
<::Deers::>
Every once in a while, when I am alone and silent for long enough, I will look to the side and I will see a white deer, maybe two or three. They are always female, and their skulls are skinless and furless. They've got eyes, though, bright blue...they are strange, but they are somewhat comforting to see. Sometimes they come up to me. I'll try to touch them but they'll run off...
<::Corpses::>
They'll all just hang there...staring, dripping blood all over the place, making a mess of things...these are the things I hate the most...they'll just stay there until I crack. They're dead, dead human beings, all naked, both male and females. They've all got slashes from what seems like whips and blades, they're all hanging from nooses. Some of them are decapitated, and so they hang from their ankles or wrists. What really gets me is all the dripping...drip...drip...drip...hundreds of corpses hanging from my ceiling, all dripping, the noise so loud I can't hear, I can't see...it's nothing but them, like a fog...
And they've all got blonde hair and blue eyes...
Just...like...Dreville.[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:34 pm
[the dashboard melted] [stuff] 
A cupcake version of me? It's...cute. And...drug laced, according to Koko, who made it.
Not sure I appreciate that part...but I like it all the same.
This is a cool tag made by Riri...I'm digging the Maakies in the background, and the feathers too.
Anyways...
A sig that Kranky made.
Eh, it's not that good, is it?
Mine and Calum's cupcake babies.
...
<3
A picture of me as a child...
Or at least Kranky's artistic interpretation of it.
Calum and I...
I wonder how Kranky got this picture...
Hmm...
This is where I belong:
Seventh Level of Hell
Guarded by the Minotaur, who snarls in fury, and encircled within the river Phlegethon, filled with boiling blood, is the Seventh Level of Hell. The violent, the assasins, the tyrants, and the war-mongers lament their pitiless mischiefs in the river, while centaurs armed with bows and arrows shoot those who try to escape their punishment. The stench here is overpowering. This level is also home to the wood of the suicides- stunted and gnarled trees with twisting branches and poisoned fruit. At the time of final judgement, their bodies will hang from their branches. In those branches the Harpies, foul birdlike creatures with human faces, make their nests. Beyond the wood is scorching sand where those who committed violence against God and nature are showered with flakes of fire that rain down against their naked bodies. Blasphemers and sodomites writhe in pain, their tongues more loosed to lamentation, and out of their eyes gushes forth their woe. Usurers, who followed neither nature nor art, also share company in the Seventh Level.
[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:35 pm
[the dashboard melted] [pain] I hurt...will somone not help me...?
I've been in this forest for hours...maybe days...I don't know.
I've become more silent these days.
Like Harold...
Or like Dreville...
I saw her last night, Daughter Dreville, I was wondering where she'd been.
But she was right there, right after I'd cut my fingers.
I followed her into the woods and kept playing, they are bad now.
It looks like someone ate away the flesh, all blood and meat,
disgusting...I'm so bloody, my violin is probaly ruined...god...
I saw this guy a few nights ago, in the bar, but we didn't talk. Turns out his name is Calum...
He seems pretty interesting...[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:36 pm
[the dashboard melted] [rhubarb] [july 17 2008]
So I laid there for hours, maybe days, I can't remember, why should I remember, it was all unimportant. My hands were worse, I'd played near to the bone, and I'd smashed into things, I think, I have bruises and gashes all over.
I thought I'd die.
Dreville kept staring, and I grew confused, was she mocking me, or watching out?
I remember her giggling, before dissapearing again, and I heard footsteps. It was Calum.
Why Calum?
Why couldn't it be someone I knew well, somone that knew everything that'd happened?
Calum was okay.
He was quiet.
I felt better in his presence...is that big?
I went home, Niraj bugged him, I cleaned myself up and got the hell out of there before Kranky did anything weird, her issues will rubs off on all of us someday.
We walked for a while more and, somehow the conversation lead to him wishing he didn't have legs, I told him "Why not, legs are the most attractive part on the body."
He looked at my legs, I know it...!
It's not a problem...I hope he likes my legs, really...
...
His are nice.
...
We were also attacked by a friendly little flying squirrel, we named her Squ and decided to keep her since she'd probaly follow us anyways.
And then I went home...
And the trees said 'Goodnight'.
Goodnight, trees.
Goodnight, Squ.
Goodnight, Calum...[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:37 pm
[the dashboard melted] [musing about the future] [august 11, 2008]
I'm feeling better than ever today.
Sort of anyways.
Most of me has healed, internally, externally, etcetera. Except my fingers...
They are healing, slowly, but, they still hurt.
Namiah really needs a doctor...I stitched them up myself, it hurt, but, since then they've started healing faster, still slow, but an increase in pace is encouraging.
A lot has happened, between Calum and I, since we went on that walk.
I discovered we shared mutual attraction, and therefore have been 'together' since then...we've spent the night together a few times...
It's been more than a week, hooray...?
I'm scared, though...since Johnny I've not been together with another man longer than that...I'm afraid to do anything wrong. If I do, it could all shatter apart and I'd go back to the same lonely slob I usually am. I'd rather that not happen, I've fallen pretty hard and in love for him, so...
I know he's not around for free drugs or sex, not like the others...he doesn't seem to care about those things, just me... (aha, not like the second thing hasn't happened, it did, last night. Jesus I'm such a pervert...)
But, perhaps I am just worrying too much, and this will work better than I'd imagined. He's got a positive effect on me, I noticed I haven't been shooting up or snorting magical powders and juices...this is good, right?
Also...
We both know that the other tries to hide...
Oh, also, he can see...or at least hear and feel Dreville. I'm not sure what to think of it, but...at least I'm not totally damaged and crazy, right?[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:39 pm
[the dashboard melted] [this is fact not fiction for the first time in years] [rhubarb pie]
I went on my first date with Calum. It was strange just to start with. Usually when you go on a first date it's when you just share a mutual attraction, and you want to see if the person you're going with is a likable person or not. But, Calum and I, we love eachother, we already know we're likable people. So, that was a first...
I met him on a hill and we watched the sunset, it was all I could think of as a good date, there isn't much else in namiah. Though...it was nice. I gave him a flower...I wonder if he liked it?
It started raining as it got dark and we played around in it until it got cold, so we decided to go to Calum's place and get warm and dry while making out and pretending to watch Shrek.
And I'm pretty sure you can guess where that lead to, so I'll spare you from the details.[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:40 pm
[the dashboard melted] [dreville's sudden rage] [august 26, 2008]
I think she's mad or something...
She keeps making me see things I don't want to...
I know it's her fault...
I know she's the one making it happen...
It started a few days ago, she keeps making me see those corpses...god damn bloody things just hanging there...
She did it after bugging Calum to play tug o' war with her, where she takes the bunny and rips it in half...then she joins those corpses like it's one big god damn family portrait...
I know she's real...
I hope the corpses aren't...
I don't want to scare Calum...[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:41 pm
[the dashboard melted] [confusion] [august 28, 2008]
I am so confused...I don't know what to do...
I'm going through withdrawl...
Is it possible to go through three at once?
...
Heroin...
Cocaine...
LSD...
I haven't touched those in at least a month or so...
Sure I'd feel hits and pangs of needing it, but, I'd just drown it out with something else...
Maybe this has to do with Dreville's sudden outbursts...?
Maybe.
I doubt it.
She's lightened up now, I'm relieved...but she's often like a storm, she gets quiet, calm, and then she pours down violently.
...
She cries though. She'll cry when I'm worried for my life or something important...perhaps she is worried too?
Perhaps we feel the same sometimes?
I don't know...
I'm unsure of who she is or what she is or why she's here with me.
I can see her now, playing with a ball...she's sitting across from me, occasionally staring. I feel responsible...if she cries I feel the need to comfort her.
I mainly worry about Calum though. I don't want him worrying about me..
Worry is bad for your health...
I'll be fine.
I'm just confused as to, should I soothe myself with more drugs...or should I let it go, and stop them...if this is over, maybe I'll stop craving them...?
Or will it be like the last few times and will I fail...[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:42 pm
[the dashboard melted] [an evening at the beach] [Dancing with waves]
I am at peace, currently. The more time I spend with Calum, the less afraid I am, the less guilt I feel for all the wrongs I've done...I feel like he erases everything bad...
I went on another date...it was just as nice as the last one...maybe nicer? I love him much more now than I did then...
We had a picnic, I sang him a cheesy song, it was all good. I really feel...like I could stay with him forever...but...well, no, he'd never agree, right?
No one wants to stay with me forever.
[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:43 pm
[the dashboard melted] [you make me smile] Theres some kind of light at the end, while touching the edge of his skin..
I'm doing better than ever now-a-days. The more time I spend with Calum, the happier I get. I wonder, if it's possible to get too happy? Maybe my head will explode one day. I'd feel bad...I don't want to leave Calum while things are so good. I don't think I'll ever leave him, I love him so much.
I asked him to live with me, he said yes, I'm so happy, I need to pee.
Not really...but I'm sure, dear journal, you'll get the point.
Because I do.
We basically decided to get a place of our own, and in the meantime, we'll just spend the night a lot, like two little girls or something.
I can't wait until we get the house though, to have a whole place to ourselves, but...what if he can't stand me? We were just dating not too long ago, now, we're going to take a big step and start a life together...well, maybe that's a lot to say.
In short, I'm very excited, though I'm more nervous...I've just got to keep telling myself that everything will be fine, nothing will happen.
As for the with drawl, I am sad to say that I failed. I didn't want Calum worrying anymore, so I shot up with anything I needed. I'm ashamed...but, as long as he's not worrying about me, I'll try and be okay with it.
Dreville, on the other hand, is unnerving me more than anything else right now. She hasn't spoken in weeks, she's as silent as she used to be. She'll giggle or sigh, but whenever she's around, she just stares and stares. I'll ask her if she wants to play, and she'll just shake her head, slowly, all the while staring at me as hard as she can.
I desperately hope she isn't planning anything against me, or Calum. Especially Calum. I can understand her being jealous, but, I wouldn't want anything to happen.
I'm trying to be as nice as possible, but she just stares and stares...
[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:46 pm
[the dashboard melted] [honey] Honey..don't do it...
I saw you here once, it was too much.
I worried and worried about you all night.
You must be feeling pain...
I don't want you to feel pain...!
We're all gone but I know you can bear it.
I know it's lonely, but please...
I know theres no one to comfort you or help you hide from the demons.
But just, please, a few more years.
Honey, I miss you too, but don't do it.
I don't want you to be miserable.
I know how it feels, don't do it.
I miss you more than anything, honey.
Don't do it.
Sure, I'd like to see you someday, but I can wait.
I promise.
Life will be good to you.
It will become nice again.
Forget about us,
Please.
You will see the light someday...
Honey, don't do it.
Please, please don't do it.
[but we still had the radio]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
Posted: Wed Dec 31, 2008 11:48 pm
[but, don't you know, your sorrow can be your closest friend...][happiness]
[with this ring am i wed to thee?]
[october seventh, two thousand and eight]
Well then...how did this happen?
What I thought was a routine date turned into something much better.
Calum proposed!
Ah, I feel like a giddy school girl!
I can't wait for our wedding...whatever it will be like.
[and, hey, i love what you have done with yourself.]
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
|
