Welcome to Gaia! ::

if you dont think this is good its because i was making it up as i was going along.

thankies. 3nodding

I don't mean to offend you in any way during this post. I shall try to be constructive with my criticism.

Alright, first of all, is English your first language? Because I find a lot of the times grammatical/typo errors are able to be overlooked, but when it's this extreme it has to be redone. But usually when it's this bad the writer isn't a native English speaker, so it's understandable. If not, no worries, you just need to slow down a bit.

Second point, I think the story starts a little ahead of where it should. I wanted to feel some remorse when Angel had to choose parting from her only mother or going with Trey, but I didn't... because of course Angel's mother is a b***h (and you convey that very well), so who wouldn't choose getting out? The problem is, I wanted to care about the fact that Angel was leaving her mother. She could have been torn between the two people for dramatic purposes.

I'm going to go ahead and respectfully disagree with firezz3. I think his example still exhibits a bit too much generalness. This is a good time to bring up the "show" don't "tell" policy in writing. Whenever you can "show" something in writing as apposed to simply "telling" of it, show it. Example: Then a cloud appeared. It looked so fluffy and nice. That's telling. Now showing: Suddenly, a gentle white mist curled around my heels, tickling my ankles. The mist weaved together, creating a cloud as soft as the produce of a freshly plucked cotton patch.
Well, not the most stellar example, but you get it, right?

The dialogue was a bit... well, cheesy. Which is important to avoid, especially in a story like this that seems to concentrate highly around dialogue and not so much around description. But the story is obviously still in its early stages, so never fear. It's too early to be worrying about things like that.

As for your grammatical issues, I've gone ahead and put the story in a readable format for you so you won't have to worry about that. I'm pretty sure it's word for word and nothing but spacing, capitalization, quotes, and a couple minor wording issues were changed. Here you go (and good luck. I'll be back to read more when it comes):

“Must you be such a fool, Angel? He is no good for you!” my mother said to me.

“But mother! His voice sweeps me away into a lifetime of encouragement! When I’m sad he’s there for me! Whenever he’s with me I don’t have a reason to be sad! Can’t you understand? Haven’t you ever felt that way!?”

Then my mother slapped me. “You insolent fool! Angel he is not good for you! As I have said! He has no proper job, no family, he’s an orphan for heavens sake! He’s a shabby 'ol boy! He will do you no good. I will not let you date that...that...thing! I want to hear no more of this! If you even talk about him one more time you are not going to be my daughter! Now go to the white room!”

“Mother,” I begged, “Mother please! Not the white room! If you love me not the white room!” She then shoved me inside. Nothing was in there. It was called the white room for a reason. I lay there, defeated. I felt like I just fought a losing battle. I mean, I loved Trey. Just because he was an orphan, doesn’t mean my mother has to treat him that way. I lay there and closed my eyes. Footsteps. I sat right up and there he was.

“Trey!” I stood up and ran to him. He hugged me back.

He said, “Now dear we must get you out of here, yes?” His voice was as smooth as velvet. It made me remember when I first met him, how I was walking and he came out of nowhere and kissed me.

Trey said, “Close your eyes Angel, if you want to escape. I did. When I opened them we were in Anata town.

He smiled and kissed me on the lips. I am used to his magic. but I’m not used to the way he surprises me. He took my hand and together we ran up the tallest hill and then he whispered my full name like a lullaby, “Angel Amythest Amaya.”
Then he whispered, “She has come finally to become what she really is.” Then a cloud appeared. It looked so fluffy and nice. We stepped upon it and a breeze pushed us away.

Suddenly, I felt myself change. I looked down at myself and my clothes were silky and they looked like spider webs with droplets of water on them. Trey changed too. He wore a black suit with crescents on it. It looked as if we were going to get married. When I told you I was your one and only love,” he said, “I was telling the truth. In a past life we were married, as we are now.” he kissed me long and sweet. Then he said, “You are Queen of what is now the Naqua Ruins, but was once Naqua Palace. We together will make it what it used to be.” Hand in hand, we both rode on until we would reach...Naqua Palace.

It's not like a movie at all. Movies have minimal action description, and all dialogue goes like this:

Dude: blablalba

Dudess:Blabla blablabla bla

Dude eats the cheeze

Dude: Bla....

Ninja, I also like your edited version. It reads more like literature now. Angel, if you ever have trouble with formatting or grammar, pick up a book, or find a sample of a book online and just read a page or so. Those have been edited multiple times to the point were they were considered good enough to publish, so they it should help you out.