something I wrote last year...

Against the Current

She lay on her back on top of a flat boulder. The river at her feet ran undisturbed, sparkling in the sunlight. The trees’ shadows felt cool on her face, while the sun warmed her skin and dried her clothes after she had plunged into the freezing cold water fully-dressed. She lay there, thinking, playing over and over again in her mind the words that had shattered everything she had thought she knew about her past.
Upon hearing those words, shock had numbed her. Then, as it had started to recede, she had whispered one word: “No.” She had backed away slowly, before turning on one foot and racing away as fast as she could, because she could feel tears stinging her eyes, her lower lip trembling slightly, and her throat closing up, making it hard to swallow back cries of anger and frustration. She had run away, heading to her thinking spot, somewhere no one would find her, or even guess she was there, because only she knew it existed.
The running had helped. The cool wind hitting her face had dried the threatening tears, and opened up her throat so that she could draw in gasps of air. She had found the barely visible trail in the woods that led to her clearing, and followed it, running blindly, feeling the whole time as if she had to run faster to leave it all behind. Even after she had reached the clearing, she didn’t stop, plowing right into the river. Her mind was completely blank, with only anger and confusion pulsing through in colors rather than words. The red she envisioned was anger, and the black was confusion.
The ice-cold river had stunned her body into senselessness, and the water had slowed her legs, forcing her to stop running. Feeling the strong current begin to drag her along, she had concentrated on getting out of the current first. It hadn’t been easy, as her sneakers were bogged down with water and sinking in the mud. But after a minute of struggling, she had broken free and climbed out of the water. Her shirt and shorts sticking to her, she had dragged her tired body over to the boulder, collapsed on top of it, and given up her mind to her own thoughts.
Her thoughts weren’t coherent at first; not even she had understood them. All they were were half-finished questions with no answers, the most frequent ones being “How…?” and “Why…?” and the words “She’s alive” pounding repeatedly as if keeping time with a beat. Her mind was whirling, like a leaf twisting in the wind, buffeted by thoughts that left as quickly as they came, spinning her faster and faster until she feared being sick, her state of mind affecting the body. She took deep breaths to clear her mind, steadying herself with each shaky breath she took. She turned back to her thoughts, but this time, she made each one come slowly, thinking each one through carefully before moving on to the next one. She was still angry for being kept in the dark, but could understand the reason for it. This, however, only made her angrier; the lack of something to blame was frustrating.
Then came the most startling thought of all: “I should run away to just leave it all behind.” She let that thought hang for a moment, but her better half forced its way through with another one: “To where? I don’t have anywhere to go except back.” And despite her wanting to believe that she could run away, she knew that she couldn’t just abandon everything she had just to run away from her problems, because she knew they would eventually catch up with her. She lay there a while longer, trying to think of a way out, and when none came to her, she sighed, and decided that it was time to leave. She sat up, and noticing she was dry, she started to slowly head back.
She had decided to stay with what she knew, because she felt uneasy starting over a new life with someone she’d never known in her life. Since she had thought that she was dead, but now knew that it was just rejection that had put her here, not death, and a lie to make her feel better, she was not sure she’d like being with that person instead of the happy home she had found after all these years. Gathering up all her courage and determination, she prepared herself to say “No” to someone who was supposed to be the most important person in her life. And so she set off, to let her know the decision she had made. Although she knew that this decision could change her life forever, she would stand strong in it amidst the persuading tides and sticky ooze that would threaten to sway her. At least until she found a safe haven to rest her tired person from fighting against them.