It took no less than a day and no more than a week to sort through the entirety of emotions that Jaden had caused him in a few short seconds. He had come back to his dorm after the Halloween party, after saying goodbye to his best friend only moments before, to find this letter on the floor. This undeniably weird letter that sent shivers and chills up the Brit's spine. This... couldn't be happening. He understood it very well, just as much as he didn't understand at all. The loop went around and around in his head until he felt sick. And so many a time he found himself trying to summarize it: He likes me. Jaden -likes- me. It's not possible. It was the worst thing that could ever happen. The precious boy that meant the world to him, was in love with him. How? Nathaniel didn't even understand love! He had only ever loved his family. Only ever had them taken from under his nose. He didn't like that pain. Jaden was the only other to whom his heart was extended, but it was friendship. Wasn't it? Weren't they friends? Or was his own obsession so much deeper? Did it matter?
As Nathaniel pondered all these things, he scrawled in his journal like never before. Notes crossed out. Policies. Life goals. Teachings. None of it added up. Gay? He wasn't gay. He didn't like Jaden like that. Would it ruin their friendship? Could he handle this knowledge and stand to be around Jaden? Especially now knowing he ran the risk of causing the other so much pain? Pain that he never wanted Jaden to feel. ...There was only one way to find out... he had to see the boy. And so, a week after the letter had been revealed, he called out the boy to a small place outside Mall grounds. It was a bench they liked to sit at, chatting or studying. Sitting down, he tilted his head back and looked up at the sky. His emerald eyes mirrored the grass and echoed the blue above him. Honey brown locks of hair fell away from those eyes. His hair was getting long now, almost too long. He was keeping the back in a ponytail for now, a loose one. Eyes closed as he listened lightly to the sounds. What would it be like? Would it be any different? He didn't know how to feel about it. Should he be angry? Should he be accepting? He didn't know. But he wanted to. Jaden... his best friend. Was he more? The Brit didn't know, couldn't tell. But he was damn well gonna try.
---
Jaden had never been so nervous about anything in his life. Even the note hadn't been so terrible, because that had been written...he hadn't stuck around to see the emotions play over Nathaniel's face when he read it. He wasn't sure he had the gall to do something like that. When Nat had...asked him to come here, to this place...their place... He'd brushed his hair carefully, dressed especially nice in a casual, not blatantly formal sort of way, if only so that he didn't embarrass himself further by looking shabby...when this was likely to be bad news of a sort. He trusted Nat...really he did...but the other couldn't return the feelings, right? And...Nathaniel was so proper, he wanted to be viewed as the flawless young man, no matter his troubles beneath that facade. To be with Jaden was to be...frowned upon by much of polite society, or at least branded with a certain, not always pleasant title. The blond hadn't seen anything of his friend since the halloween party. So he was afraid...afraid that this was the official notice of banishment, of a permanent estrangement, and Jaden wasn't sure how he'd cope with that. He knew others, yes, but hadn't bothered making close friends beyond Nat. Not good at it, and never had been, he wasn't a social creature, after all. But he could do this, for Nat's sake. Swallowing hard, he carefully made his way over to the bench where his friend was sitting...at least...he was his friend for a few moments more.
---
A change in the surrounding sounds made him alert to the approach of someone. Head tilted down, eyes opened slowly, narrowing a little at the one before him. He stood, emerald eyes looking with genuine curiosity at the other. Genuine longing. And something else that wasn't quite placable altogether. The other looked neat, perhaps expecting something. Perhaps knowing the truth. Or maybe knowing nothing at all. "Jaden," started Nathaniel, wondering if his voice was shaking like his hands were. He stuffed them in the pockets of his favorite sweatshirt, the one he'd wore when he came to this place. "How? Why?" He didn't need to explain, he was sure the other knew what he meant. No implications were necessary on his part. His desperate questions spoke for themselves. Add to this the slight disappointment in his voice. What it was for though, be it for Jaden letting him down or vice versa, was unknown. Still... the answer might determine the outcome.
---
The blond froze then, pinned in place by the questions. The tiny young man had yet to hit his growth spurt, which he was pining for currently, and so Nat seemed especially tall to him today, and there was both an admiration and a fear in Jaden's very core as his mismatched gaze fixed itself on a point somewhere in the same vicinity as the other's eyes...but not quite there, that was...too much. "I-I...how...I don't...know the how." He whispered softly, "I just...realized it one day, and it's grown ever since." Scy had been right, pointed it out painfully. So unfair. That brat got what -he- wanted didn't he? "And why...?" He made the mistake then, of meeting those eyes, those fathomless green eyes that Jaden could so easily drown in. "I...you...the why isn't hard. You're...you're the most important person to me, Nat...there's no one who is to me what you are. I..." He fidgeted, losing momentum and failing, stuttering. He wanted to be that important to Nat too, but he'd already put enough pressure on the other, hadn't he?
---
Toxic green eyes simmered, trying to see into the other. He was helpless. Flailing, grasping, falling. Reaching for things he couldn't quite grasp it. Nat saw all these things before Jaden even began to speak. The other could barely even meet his eyes, and when he did, the Brit immediately noticed the change. Needless to say he frowned and turned his back, putting his face into one hand and sighing. This wasn't happening. It wasn't possible. "Gods... Jade... I... I'm not... I'm not gay Jaden," whispered Nathaniel, turning back to look at the other. He bit his lower lip. What were these feelings? The very idea of causing the other any more trouble made him furious. He wanted to smack himself. The only person in the entire world who he cared about was standing here, pouring his heart out, and Nat was rejecting him. A part of him spoke up in his mind: 'Are you refusing him because your father would be ashamed? Or because you really don't care like that?' He wanted to growl at himself. Of course he didn't care like -that-. He only protected Jaden like a friend should... wasn't what he did normal? Wasn't it?
---
Jaden swallowed hard, hoping the lump in his throat would go away, hoping that if he ignored the stinging in his eyes he wouldn't actually cry. He wouldn't break and do something shameful like that and make Nat feel any more awkward, at a time when Jaden couldn't even try to go to his best friend for comfort. "I-I know you're not..." he murmured softly, sounding as miserable as he felt. How stupid, Jaden, to even entertain the thought that things would be different. How ironic, that the one person he'd been able to really be friends with after all this time...and he'd go and screw it up abysmally by -falling- for the guy! How stupid could one be? "I don't...really think of myself that way either. I just know how I feel about you." He was proud of himself, his voice didn't shake -too- terribly much.
---
"Jaden..." muttered Nathaniel, looking in slight pain as the other spoke. That shaking, however small, was enough to infuriate him further. He was losing sense. He wished simply to rip the world down and destroy the source of what ailed the blonde. Stopping himself, he looked at his own thoughts critically. Did people really think like that? Was that normal for a friend? It had to be. There could be nothing more. His obvious obsession with Jaden was just worry. Worry that something would reach and harm the only thing that mattered. The... only thing in the world that mattered anymore. Looking down, he bit his lower lip. That was excessive. Friends weren't like that. He may not have known much, but he knew that. He hadn't even been that crazy about his family. Jaden was different! He was the only thing left to be ripped away! Without Jaden the world was useless again! ...Why? Why was that so!? Fighting internally with himself, Nat put a hand over his mouth, eyes widening as he fought the sudden urge to be incredibly sick. Turning away from Jaden, he clutched at his mouth and side and closed his eyes as he heard the voice of his father thunder at him: 'Men are proper Nathaniel! Someday you will fall in love with a charming woman, like I did your mother, and you will have to do your best to please her. Do your best to behave and prove yourself a man worthy of her love.' Mother had called that nonsensical. Had told Father that the boy was too young for such things. But Nat had gone bright at the idea. 'I will find someone as wonderful as Mother?' chirped the innocent child. 'Someone as beautiful and kind as she?'
Father had smiled at that, he remembered. Mother had laughed. She said that he would care for whoever he wanted. Whoever meant the world to him. Father had said that he would indeed find someone as impressive as his Mother.
But this wasn't serious like that. They were young. Too young. Far too young for such things. Weren't they? Well ...that Aussie punk obviously wasn't. But the kind Chinese lad too? Was everyone just a hormonal mess? Was Nat the outcast yet again? This wasn't normal though. Homosexuals were abnormal things in society. Filthy vagrant inverts. Not at all a proper or gentlemanly part of society. Wrong in fact. He had once stumbled upon something gay in a Greek society book in his Father's library and his Father had fiercely explained that things like that were the lowest and most disgusting parts of history. That all 'fags' should be burned because they didn't belong in society.
Nat tried to imagine life without Jaden because of this incident and his head began to spin. "Jade..." he croaked desperately, reaching out to his friend, almost forgetting the problem that was causing this reaction. This mental breakdown of tradition and heart.
---
Gods...he hadn't meant to inspire this reaction...it looked like what he'd confessed to Nat had been too much for the other. The blond had known what lay behind the other's mask, he'd known so much about his friend, why couldn't that have been enough? It hurt him, but he couldn't contain these intense feelings that had focused themselves on Nat. Nat was...precious to him. He knew it was a bad idea, but when the other reached for him, how could he say no? Carefully, slender fingers took that hand, "I'm sorry, Nat...I didn't...I didn't mean to upset you like this...I-I didn't." His voice wobbled shamefully, on the edge of tears. He'd gone and thrown their friendship into chaos...he'd hurt Nat...he'd never wanted to do that. The ache in his heart...it was suffocating.
---
"Jade... I can't... no. We. We can't," muttered the British youth as he opened his eyes to look at Jaden, hand still grasping onto his. The flashbacks had been too much. His Father's voice rang out very clearly in his head. Just as much as the contrasting and sticky sweet honey voice of his beloved Mother. This was blasphemous. "You're the only thing I have," Nat said very firmly as his toxic eyes lit up like flames and looked directly at Jaden, almost spitefully. "I will not ruin you. I will not tarnish you. Nor can I slander... my parents memories... but Jaden. You. The way you look right now... I can't bear the idea of the pain I'll cause you like this. What do you want from me?" He pleaded as he straightened up, fighting all previous urges but still quite pale. It hurt. Why had a simple confession hurt so damn much? Was he afraid? He was going to lose something again... because of himself this time. No fault of anyone else. No! Not Jaden. Anything... anyONE ... just -not- him. Why did this have to happen? The idea of being in a relationship with another male was ...slander. A sin against society and everything he stood for. Every justice.
And why?
Because Daddy said so? Yes. Precisely why. But Mother... Mother never said girl. Never used that word. Had said... be with whoever you like. No. He wouldn't let that go on further. Then why did this hurt so much more than the chance of loss? Because... because he was giving up something he wanted? Was that it? He didn't know. This shouldn't have been so painful! It was stupid! Disgraceful even!
---
Jaden had never felt so completely and utterly lost in his life. He hardly knew what to do now, what to do that could somehow make this better, and he most certainly was at a loss at how to answer the question that had cut him to the heart. "I...don't know what I want." He whispered, barely managing the words. "I know how I feel, how being near you makes me feel, but right now...please...Nat...I want you to be happy. So...please...please do what makes you happy." The words were a signal flare of intense vulnerability. The odd-eyed youth didn't care how miserable the other's decision made him. He'd confessed to Nat, and now he could rest in the fact that he'd been honest with his best friend, the person he liked and cared for the most. If it backfired, he had no one to blame but himself.
---
Happy? So that was it huh? Jaden wanted Nathaniel to be happy? Heh. It was rather ironic. Pulling away from the American, he turned his back on him, hiding his eyes and feeling slightly ashamed. "Really," he said matter-of-factly in a soft voice, almost as if hurt but not quite. Almost considering the options left to him now. Not a question. Just a word to fill empty space. "I wish I could say the same Jaden... this was... a bad idea. Forgive me..." The words spilled out wrong. He knew they would. But he... he couldn't think. To come see this person in this fragile state... it was wrong. He usually did it though, for Jaden was so good at helping the youth. But today... it was all wrong. All upset and no solvent. Rubbing at his eyes to keep from whatever pitiful things would fall there, he began to walk away. "I need... time... more time. Sorry, but ...could you leave me alone awhile?" He didn't even wait for an answer before drudging back off to his dorm, where he slammed the door shut and sunk to the floor with his back against it. Knees huddled up to his chest, he lay his head in them until he felt in control... more so anyway. He was going to lose that boy if this kept up. He couldn't be around him like this. Not with this knowledge. It hurt them both. Like a splinter in their hearts. There were two options, and only one looked plausible. He hated to think about it. Hated the possibility of lying if it didn't work. Hated what he could become. What his Father would say if he was alive. But then it hit him... what did it matter? No one was more important to him than Jaden. There was no world without him. And it was that moment that he desperately wished he'd asked Jaden what love was.
---
(The roleplay picks up again a week later, the night of the roleplay 'Breaking Barriers' occurs with Nat and Scyeth.)
---
He wasn't ...gay. Denial. No. He... Jaden just... what was Jaden? The British boy had left the solitude of his room at one point in the day, intending to study in the science and technology building, hopefully to ease his mind from this pressured situation. His hopes were in vain and soon crushed like a flower under foot. Instead, he had met with Scyeth Akazar, his worst enemy ... until today. Sure, maybe Nathaniel still disliked him a little... but the blonde punk made him think. Made it hard to look in the mirror and not be disgusted. And the more he thought about it... the more he hated it. People... people were people. Not creatures, or objects to be ignored and used when needed. Jaden, and he softened at the thought, was not someone to be tossed around. Not someone to be abused. He was too good for that. Too kind. And when the going got rough, Nathaniel had just intended to walk away... debating on the issue forever. Never giving Jaden an answer. And he couldn't do it anymore. Wouldn't forgive himself if he kept doing it. And so, he would start with Jade. A person. His friend. And this evening... maybe more. The thought dropped in his head like a bomb and he swallowed hard. He wasn't gay. Jaden was the difference. Jaden was the only one that mattered...really and truly. He had to care. And not like he did with a hobby ...not like cooking... but like his mother. Like his dog. Like -people-. Biting his lower lip, he knocked on his best friend's dorm room door, knowing he would be there. It was too late to really be anywhere else. "...Jade...?" he questioned, nervously.
---
He'd been burying himself lately...trying not to think, throwing himself into studies until he was ahead on all of his class work. Gods...there was so much of it, and yet never enough...never enough to make him forget. Always his thoughts would linger on how terribly he'd upset his dearest friend. Nat had...not always been his friend, when they met he had not even been kind, but quickly it had grown into something more, something treasured.
And then Jaden had gone and ruined it all. He wasn't able to erase from his mind's eye...the look that the other had given him, how pained and torn Nathaniel had seemed. Congratulations, Jadey, you've lost the only real friendship you ever had. Someone was willing to actually stick around and you had to screw things up eternally by attempting to make it -more-.
Then...there came a knock at the door, and a blond head snapped to attention, those odd eyes of his widening as he heard an all too familiar voice. "N-Nat?" His voice wavered traitorously, and he quickly shoved all his books aside, pushing himself off the bed, heart and stomach a-flutter. This could be good...just ok...or very very -bad-. Bracing himself, he opened the door wide, standing there in a pair of slightly oversized PJ's, expression curious and careful. "Hey..."
---
"Jade..." Nathaniel fought to keep himself steady, to keep from bursting and rambling. How did people do this? He was beginning to understand that inserting one's self into the world was a lot more difficult than it seemed. Frowning to himself, he sighed a little. It was his own fault. Everything was his own fault. But it wasn't going to be like that anymore. It didn't have to be. He could start with Jaden. Make -friends-. Real friends. They didn't have to objects, or interventions, or wastes of time. And he would learn to get over the pain. Pain fueled him. Hadn't it been that pain to bring him this far? And now... pain was what he'd given Jaden, and he was going to fix it... no matter what. "Jaden, uh... I'm sorry, can I..?" Why was this so awkward? It was difficult. Now that the Brit was aware of his tendencies, he felt too cautious. Too overly gone. But what could he say? What could he do? Scyeth had been right about a few things and Nat needed a new purpose in life. One that didn't include loneliness or hopeless lost causes. Normally, he would just come into the other's room at any time, no questions asked, no matter what the time (not that he had picked bad ones.) But it was time to stop playing that way. He wasn't the only one with feelings, and Jaden had been the first person to make that quite clear. Nat owed him.
---
Jaden managed a smile, beckoning the other inside with a wave. If Nat wanted to talk, heck, the little American wasn't going to stop him. Running a hand through tousled blond hair, he took a step back inside, waiting for the other to come in before he closed the door. "I'm glad you came...I haven't...seen you at all lately." It had been very quiet, and very lonely, save for that one evening when he'd stayed with Zach and they'd studied. It had been...slightly irregular, as he rather thought that Zach was almost fond of him. In Jaden's eyes, however, he was just glad to have another friend who didn't mind him 'tagging along'.
Nat didn't seem particularly cold this evening, and it gave the odd-eyed teen hope. If Nat wouldn't isolate him...would still at the very least be his FRIEND...then it wouldn't be so terrible. He could tolerate rejection...he hoped.
---
Nathaniel stood there for a while, looking around the room and avoiding Jaden as much as possible. What was he doing here? A part of him stung and questioned this. Had one conversation with Scyeth thrown everything overboard? The truth was... yes it had. Nat wasn't sure what to do anymore. He couldn't even trust himself. The world... this broken shattered world... and the wall he'd built. His mask and act. All of it disgusted him now. Could he be someone better? Could he gather motivation from something other than selfishness? From perhaps... someone?
"Jade..." he started again, this time looking up at the other. Then he looked away again. Too much. Sinking down, his back to the door, he hung his head and sighed, unable to say the words he'd wanted to. Damnit!
---
Swallowing the fear and uncertainty that had balled in a painful lump at the back of his throat, he carefully reached out, putting a hand on the other's shoulder. "Nat...what is it?" Softly coaxing...the other was acting as though he was walking into a trap that would be sprung at any moment, and it unsettled the blond. That wasn't what he wanted the other to feel...Jaden wasn't trying to force him into anything, wheedle his way into the other's heart if he had no place there. As much as he would have liked it, Jaden was made of a more understanding and gentle nature...he could never do such a thing, especially not to Nathaniel.
---
Without realizing it until it had already happened, Nathaniel snapped and reached out, grabbing the other and pulling him down and closer. The British teen pulled his American friend into a hug and rested his head on his shoulder, "I'm sorry. I don't know what... to do anymore. Or how to act. But if anyone... I should be able to talk to you... to tell you these things. Jaden, you are more important to me... than anyone. I... I... I can't lose you. So I'm sorry, but, please just for ...just for a few minutes?" What else could he say? How could he explain? He stumbled over his words, stuttered, and was so far from his composed polite self it was almost frightening. He wasn't even broken down either. It was an inbetween emotion he had never displayed... had never really dared and had only given off a little coldly. It was him giving up. Exposing and opening his heart, and he was afraid. He was -terrified- that, in some horrible nightmare, Jaden would trample that... but... it was better than losing him and not trying at all. Yes. That was how he had to think from now on.
---
The movement took him off guard, blinking in a speechless, completely blank state of mind for a few precious, infinite seconds, before his arms were wrapped about the other in turn, and he let out a shaky breath that he hadn't even been aware he was holding. "You're not going to lose me..." Relief cleansed tension from him, and he quite nearly cried, eyes stinging. It didn't matter now what Nat wanted from this friendship...relationship...what ever it was betwixt them, Nat wasn't going to shove him away, exile him from the only true warmth he'd ever been able to embrace with every fiber of his being.
---
And as Jaden hugged him back, Nathaniel shut his eyes and sat there a moment, listening to the other's breathing. Was this weird? Was it strange? Nat wasn't sure he cared. Did he care? Well about Jaden he did. He could feel the other giving up to him too, protecting him the same way Nat protected back. Mutual. Why hadn't he ever noticed it? Jaden had always been looking out for him, even when he'd been on his own blind power trip. Nathaniel's wrapped his arms a little tighter, "Your letter, Jaden..." he began, pausing for thought and giving the other a chance to intervene if he wished. Communication had to be better had these days.
---
Ah, the moment of truth. He didn't stop the other at all, taking a deep breath, ducking head against the other. "My letter..." It was encouraging, wanting the other to go on. This didn't feel like outright rejection, he would most definitely know outright rejection from Nat, whose feelings had always seemed to be just at Jaden's fingertips, even if he couldn't fathom their depths.
---
"You signed that letter... 'yours'... are you mine? ...well uh..." Nathaniel sighed. This was a complete mess, he was making a fool of himself. His proper composure had long since gone out the window and all he felt now was an undying sense of vulnerability. At least only Jaden had to see this side of him. That was okay. Somehow, he could be okay with that... even if he felt more ashamed than he ever had in all his life. Even if this was a mistake, he would try. Because it was all the same. And if he had to pick, he would rather stay with Jaden than without him... than build a wall of fear and nerves. And so, this was his decision. "What I'm... gods this is worse than when I met you..." And to prove it, Nat was already shaking. But pulling back, he looked into Jade's eyes, to prove he was serious. To prove that this boy and he himself were on equal terms. No more high and mighty throne. No more masks. "I... I dont know if I ...love you. I'm not even sure I /like/ you that way. But I know that I... I want to find out. So, uh..." He made a face, looking utterly pathetic and blushing, "...damnit..." He stopped, unable to finish his sentence. Yep. That was it. Nathaniel could only go so far in one day, but he was sure, or so he hoped, that Jaden got his message. That the other knew what he was trying to say. And if he didn't, Nat gave up. His nerves and sanity weren't gonna hold anymore.
---
Jaden felt a warmth blossom in his chest, and pale cheeks flushed scarlet with embarrassment and pleasure. Tilting his head up, he had a brilliant smile for the brunette teen. "Well...we can find out." He agreed softly, "I'm not going to make you do anything, I'm just...glad you're not leaving me." It was what he had feared, a terror that he'd been unable to voice gripping him with steely fingers. "We can explore what you feel without rush, Nat..." The arms that he still had about the other squeezed gently. "We can see..." It was a chance, a hope...it was more than he'd had before. This was the best gift that his friend could have given him, the slightest allowance, their friendship giving way, even if only in the smallest portion, to Jaden's ardent yearnings.
