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Hey this the prologue to my story please comment or tell me what i can improve on. Tell me what you liked or hated, and dont worry about being nice so long as there constructive comments I'm not bothered.

Prologue

The soothing rocking motions and the familiar surroundings of the cruise boat, were the only things that comforted the minds of the three conspirators as they crammed themselves into one of the confines of the ships store holds.
The store was the perfect meeting place, a secluded spot on the boat, it was dark, with only a slight gap at the bottom of the door to allow light to seep through and give an indication of where the three were to move. Although space was limited they were able to squeeze themselves amongst the gaps in the shelves more willing to sacrifice their comfort then the secret they protected. Their faces all wore serious expressions mixed with that of worry and bitterness.
Out of the three conspirers one man dressed in crisp white linen shirt and silk tunic spun from expensive threads. His pocket contained a gold watch, of which the chain could be seen trailing to a small silver button on his waistcoat, which he wore over his shirt. Another man, more shabbily dressed, his body covered in what appeared to be dirt coloured rags and tattered shoes. The third conspirer, a woman, clad also, in grime covered and mud strewn as the second of the men. Her fingers rubbed her temples often, in circular movements, a constant habit developed from stress. Although, only twenty years, many may have thought her to be a woman of a greater age.
The three conferred in hushed whispers, although they had made a point of trying to find an area that was rarely passed or used they were still very afraid, afraid of the consequences that would befall them if their secret was to be found out, even more so by someone who was not on their side.
“I hope your ready to sacrifice a whole lot!” The more fortunate of the men argued.
“Don’t you think we’ve already done that?” The lady snapped quietly “Don’t you think we’ve haven’t already been through enough?”
“What you have to understand,” The second, more unfortunate of the men began “is that we’ve put a lot of effort into this, if it was to all come down, well then it would not be a pleasant fate to face”
“Yes I know, but…” The first man said.
“Sorry, no buts,” The woman started to shriek abandoning any caution they had to uphold, but she was quickly hushed by the two men and she carried on in a lower voice. “You had the chance to turn around, you got an option and you ignored it,”
“Yes,” said the second man “I agree, your behaviour is becoming unacceptable, if you’re not careful your going to attract some nasty characters,”
“I know,” The first man whined “But I still don’t want to be part of this,”
“Tough,” The woman hissed “You were part of this a long time ago when you ran away, its not only OUR lives…”
“Just put a sock in it, both of you,” The second man said, turning to the first man he shook his head and sighed “look I’m sorry you’ve been dragged into this, but at the moment we have to work together or die, right now someone is trying everything in their power to…” before he could finish the door swung open and a flood of light rushed in blinding them temporarily and causing them to shield their eyes, into they had adjusted to the brightness.
The person at the door was a small boy, he stood at half the height of the adults his stature was domineering and his eyes reflected a knowledge that made him seem more mature, older. Before the conspirators could move or do anything to brace themselves for what they knew was inevitable, they were attacked by a wave of mental torture, their thoughts and memories rifled through like the pages of a book. However they stood their ground, blocking the infectious attack with all their might, they mustn’t let him find the secret…. But the boy was not done yet, fixing them with a frosty glare his face screwed into a line of concentration, his eyes staring from one person to the other searching relentlessly.
After some time had gone, the boys face softened into an almost dazed expression, turning away he drifted of, obviously to the hissing whispers of the adults behind him.
“How did he get the lock open?” The less fortunate man said “I thought we had placed special measures…”
“It doesn’t matter,” The lady said dismissing the mans words “What’s important is whether he got what he was looking for, did he manage to break you?” Both men shook their heads and the woman breathed a sigh of relief. “Good, phew that was a close one, we‘ll have to take even better precautions next time,” The lady laughed nervously.
The boy had rounded the corner of the wide corridor a wicked smile plastered on his small face. When he noted the hall was empty he disappeared. Just like that, never to be seen on that boat again. It would be hours before the three in the cupboard would venture out to look for him, and when they did search the ship for the boy, he would be miles and miles away reporting his find…


Im sorry if it didnt make sense, but i've read over it a lot and it sounds like it makes sense to me. Thanks!

Thank you for your comment it was very helpful, i will work on it.

More opinions are still welcome! I will coment on yours if you have one in return.

I like honesty, please don't come out with nice words for my benfit, as long as there comments they can be as ruthless as you want as long as there constructive. e.g if you dont like it you may simply say, i don't like it.

Thanks. rofl

In the first paragraph(and everytime the word is said after), they aren't conspirers, they are conspirators.

Second paragraph, last sentence. Wrong 'there'. It should be their instead.

A couple lines into the dialouge, the first man says "Yes I know but..." I think there should be a comma in there. Human speech has natural pauses and without a comma it makes me want to read it with no pause and it seems awkward. I think it should be after the "Yes I know" to change it to: "Yes I know, but..."
And the line under that, the one the woman says, I think there should be a comma in that as well. When I read it as is it makes me think she is talking very quickly. I think it would flow much better if you added a comma after the sorry.

When the shabby man speaks after the line I just talked about for the woman, the 'your' in 'your not being careful' is incorrect. It should be you're instead. I find an easy trick when unsure of which "you're/your" is replace it with 'you are' since that's what 'you're is a contraction of. If "you are" sounds right then it's not the possessive 'your' you need.
EX:
This is your book.
It is possessive so you need your rather than you're.
You're quite the reader, aren't you?
If you replace that "you're" with "you are", it still makes sense and it is not a possessive way you're using the word so that sentence requires "you're".
(sorry for the english lesson, your/you're issues are a slight pet peeve of mine since I've seen "your stupid" far too many times on the internet.)

A couple lines after the last speech thing I addressed, is somewhere else I think a comma or two is in order. The sentence the shabby man tells them after he tells them to put a sock in it. If you say it outloud just as read it feels very odd because there are no pauses in it, it seems almost robotic. As stated earlier, human speech has natural pauses. This may just be my style but when I thought of how an average person would say it and where they would pause, thus requiring a comma, it turned out like this.
"Look, I'm sorry you've been dragged into this, but at the moment we have to work together or die"
You can do what you like but, for me atleast, saying it like that seems much more natural.

And after the boy appears and they start speaking again, when the shabby man says "How did he get the lock open,". Should that be a question? It's phrased like a question but it seems odd since it doesn't end in a question mark. Just thought I'd point that out. '



Sorry for all that, you said to be ruthless so I didn't hold back.(I'm not a mean person by nature but if you hadn't said to be ruthless I would have held my tongue on probably half those comments.) I may not be a writer but I read enough to know what I'm talking about. It is an interesting story though, I'm intruiged. Other than the grammer issues I pointed out I didn't really find anything else to critique that I can think of. Keep it up. 3nodding

Chapter One - The Crown Jewel

Robert Turner proud owner of the Crown Jewel sighed and let the crumpled newspaper in his hand fall to the floor. It was a sign, an unwanted sign but still a sign. Leaning forward he rested his elbows on a small mahogany table and closed his eyes. Around him the soft rhythm of the boats engines, as it ploughed through the water, could be heard humming softly. Slowly Roberts tired mind swum into the past, flickering through images like an old film.
It had been a foolish impulse which had led him to buy the cruise boat. However, so far he hadn’t lived to regret it. It had been hard work at first, with many sleepless nights, but over time it had got easier. As money started rolling in he had been able to enjoy a more relaxed life as the esteemed owner of a successful cruise ship.
Then the fire had happened. Although he been able to get back onto his feet and restore the Crown Jewel after it, things had never seemed the same since. At the time it had been described as an arson attack but it had never really been confirmed. Many people had suffered as a result, in fact two people had died but as they were not important figures there names were never really acknowledged. Robert himself had been left with a permanent limp in his left leg after a burnt structure had fallen upon it. He could remember it, even now, very clearly, the flames had been blistering hot and the smoke had slowly been suffocating him. But someone had come, someone had dragged him from the burning wreckage. It was anyone’s guess who that person had been, however Robert had remained ever grateful to them.

Robert was startled from his thoughts by a sudden noise. Twitching his head he looked towards the direction it had come from.
“Over here Robert,” A soft voice spoke quietly. Robert froze, then surely but slowly twisted his head to the speaker. In a shadowed corner of his dingy office a figure stood, his arms crossed against his chest, his size dominating a large portion of space.
“Arr, you,” Robert said averting his eyes from the man.
“Yes its me,” The figure said with some bitterness, his gaze intensifying on Robert for a second. “So let me guess, you were thinking about the fire, that never seems to cease from your mind does it? When will you let go of the past Robert?”
“Just get to the point, why are you here?” Robert demanded irritably.
“Don’t take that tone with me, you know I don’t like people who are rude,” The man stepped forward, and at the same time an unnatural shiver ran up Robert’s spine.
“Yes, yes of course, I’m sorry your right, so what can I do for you?”
“Huh, what can you do for me? That’s a hard question, so many things I need from you, but what to pick, I tell you what how about you do me a favour and save me time, if you could get them all done then I would be very grateful,” the man said in a sly, greasy voice.
“Of course, as you wish sir,” Robert said “what will it be then?” The figure leaned in slightly and Robert stretched his head so that his ear meet the mouth of the man as he murmured his instructions. As accustomed to this, as he was, Robert was still unnerved by the mans whispers, as if his very voice would send a poison to his brain. However the man seemed to think it was at the utmost importance that the instructions were whispered, even isolated as they were in Roberts office, he never wrote things down, nor did he say anything out loud, that would give his plans completely away. This was his policy.
When he was done the two leant back to there original positions and Robert nodded. “I understand, is that all?”
“Certainly, one thing though, take special caution with my last wish, if they do not comply then we could have some nasty results on our hand, and remember I put you up in this world I can just as easily take you down, into next time…”
“Yes, okay well, Sir? Sir?” There was a sigh as the air in the office seemed to relax, and for a brief moment Robert felt the cold chill of icy fingers brushing on the back of his head. But before he could think about this a knock on the door diverted his attention.
“Come in…” he said shaking his head.

Jen was awoken suddenly by a loud banging on the door. Sitting up right she peered round the empty ladies dorm, which she shared with the rest of the female staff. Climbing clumsily to her feet she trudged to the door and opened it.
Directly behind it was the fearsome figure of head chef and commander of the Crown Jewel kitchens, Maggie. She unlike the rest of the women in the kitchen had been granted her own bedroom, this had only made her inflated ego bigger and as a result she now stuck her nose up at even the thought of taking a step into the shared dorm.
“Five hours, five hours you were asleep while floors have needed scrubbing, pots and pans cleaning and dishes putting away,” Maggie moaned, ushering Jen into the bustling kitchen. Behind her a chorus of giggles rose from a pair of girls. They were twins of about ten years old. Their faces resembled that of an angelic gremlin, with sweet blond plaits and dark green ivy eyes, that was spaced evenly between their perfectly shaped button noses. However the trait that was most hated by all who served in the kitchens was the malicious smile that seemed to take place on their small lips whenever Maggie handed out a beating. When they had first come aboard the boat they had been orphans of about six who had been assigned to work on the top deck, with the cleaning staff, but somehow they had wound up on the lower deck, in the kitchens, trailing Maggie round and echoing her every action and word.
Maggie rapped Jen round the knees with a walking stick she had favoured for carrying around, then proceeded to saunter of in another direction. Jen wearily walked to the cupboard where the cleaning tools were stacked and drew out the tools needed.
Jen was a girl of seventeen with no remarkable features. However for what she lacked in appearance she made up in personality. Her hair was a dull brown that hung straight and limp against her face. Her complexion lacked any shine and her eyes any enthusiasm. Her clothes were plain hand downs from older girls in the kitchen that had out grown them. She was sweet in nature but more often or not this was a handicap, for other staff to take advantage of.
She had become an orphan they day of her birth. Her parents had died in a fire, or so it was thought. However there was some doubt. Some of the older people who had been there at the time believed that they had simply disappeared. No one actually said this to Jens face but from what she overheard this was what was believed. But even if it was just believed, it had fuelled a hope in Jen that she might some day meet her parents. Just might.
After some time had passed Jen looked up to find the kitchen had descended into a sudden hush. At the centre of the kitchen, between the narrow spaces of steel surfaces and large cookers a cluster of people had gathered. Abandoning the sponge she had been using, Jen made her way towards the crowd, where people jostled each other, trying to catch a glimpse of what was taking place at the centre of the circle. After pushing her way through the bulk of the crowd Jen was able to secure at place at the centre where it seemed the commotion had originated.
As she looked on in interest Jen found before her the strangest scene she had ever witnessed. Before her Maggie stood faced by a boy who looked little older then Jen herself. In one hand he seemed to be holding what was a plate of food, it had been mashed so it was almost unrecognisable as that. The boys other hand seemed be bunched into a fist.
Upon looking around her Jen found everyone’s attention, or rather their eyes directed to this rather peculiar boy. It was no wonder, for he seemed to expel a sort of aura that not could not help but attract someone’s eyes to him. His face had an odd quality about it, furrowed as it was, it made him seem more frightening, his hair was a strange silvery colour and his eyes were an intense blue, that glared at the faces around him.
Yet, although everyone around her seemed to be eager to see what move he would make, Jen found herself wanting him to move out of her sight. For the first time in her life she felt a strange hatred rise in her, a hatred that was directed to this boy who she had never seen before that day and whom she had never spoken a word with. But instead of moving, so he was no longer in her sight, she stayed stationed where she was, for she was as curious as the surrounding people as to what this boy would do next.
“I’m sorry to take you away from your duties but I feel I must complain,” The stranger declared “This is unsuitable, besides that I ordered something completely different to what I received,” He thrust the plate closer to Maggie’s face his penetrating eyes staring unnervingly at her. As Maggie stumbled for an answer her assistant, who seemed to be the only one to have gathered their senses finally, ushered everyone to their normal jobs. However it was with a half heartedness that they trudged back their eyes still resting on the confrontation between Maggie and the boy.
For once, the burly cook was lost for words, and she just nodded dumbly and started on another meal. Usually Maggie fielded customer complaints with ease. How she did it was mystery, but no one seemed able to stand up to her. Today seemed different, one boy had somehow managed to do what no one had ever done before. Now her words became sullen and moody and she spoke as if she was in a trance. As she started the second meal she gestured to a cupboard somewhere behind Jen and said vaguely “Feel free to take a snack,”
Jen watched as the boy made his way to the cupboard. Getting up she went to move herself from his path but instead found she couldn’t. Her legs had frozen to spot. Jen jolted her head down staring at her unmovable feet in horror. How could this be happening, what force was causing her legs to stay planted on the floor? But finally to her relief she felt them begin to regain movement and she took a step forward, bumping straight into the boy.
For some reason in that moment everything seemed to slow down. Her shoulder had clashed into his and now the pair were both falling to one side in a second that seemed to last for an age. It was a moment before everything seemed to come clashing down and move at a normal rate.
The boy jumped to his feet, his eyes burning with anger.
“You idiot, couldn’t you see I was coming?” He snapped. Jen stared blankly at him, her mind whirring with thoughts and then she spoke.
“No, it wasn’t my fault, I tried to move, I’m sorry but I…”
“Let me guess you couldn’t, what else can’t you do?”
“Shut up!” Jen said angrily “Just shut up! You don’t know anything, how can you accuse me of trying to deliberately stop you, what reasons have I to do that…” Jen stopped. Her mouth had turned suddenly dry. She turned her back to the boy trying to stop tears that had suddenly erupted, from streaming down her face.
Turning back she began to mumble an apology when she noticed he was gone. Her eyes scanned the kitchen but there was no sign of him anywhere. Shaking her head, she turned back to the cleaning tools and began to scrub the floor once more. It had been a close one. If the boy decided to report Jen she could get thrown of the boat or worse. Why had she stood up to him? Why couldn’t she have kept her mouth shut, the one time in her whole life she had to stand up to someone and it had to be a customer.
“You okay Jen?” Jen looked up into the face of her only friend. Nodding she crawled a few meters and began scrubbing a fresh patch of the floor.
“Yeah Michael, I think so, its just…”
“You don’t have to explain to me Jen I saw what happened and you had every right to have a go at him,”
“But?” Jen said
“But it did seem strange how you had a go at him, it not like you, your always so…”
“So nice, that’s right, nice Jen,”
“I don’t mean it like that,”
“I know, I know, your only telling me what’s true and I’m sorry your right it isn’t like me,” Jen stood up and looked at Michael. Standing 10 inches below Jens height he was unusually small for his age. He had light chestnut hair that stuck up at odd angles and wore clothes to big for him. As a fellow orphan and a person who was treated just as poorly as Jen by the older residents he understood Jen more than any other.
“Here,” Michael said taking a cloth from Jen “Let me help you finish this floor or you’ll be all day,”
“Haven’t you got something else to do?” Jen asked
“No, I’m free for the rest of the day,” Grinning Michael fell to his knees and started polishing the floor with a little more vigour then needed.

After a few days Jen had almost forgotten her outburst. In fact the brief weakness that Maggie had shown when facing the boy, had almost been relinquished from the minds of the kitchen staff, after she had threatened to beat anyone caught talking about the incident.
But, however much she wished to return things to there natural course, somehow they refused to do so. Since her own confrontation with the boy she hadn’t felt the same. She felt overwhelmed by emotion that threatened to overflow and perhaps show a side of her that she didn’t want seen.
There was no denying it, that boy had definitely disrupted things. With just one appearance it seemed like he had tipped the natural balance. This was clear when Jen received a letter one day. As Jen had no one to contact it was a rare occurrence. When she did get letters it was normally to notify her of some change that would be happening on the Crown Jewel. Tearing open the envelope she read the contents:

Dear Jen

You are required on deck 2 in dinning room 3 for waiting service. Please be there promptly at 6 am in proper dress code. For further details please see your senior manger.

Signed Waiting Services

Edward Walker

Waiting services? She had never be asked for waiting services before. She had know of other girls who had gone and done waiting service when they had been asked but never her. Jen had always assumed she had never been chosen to do this task because of her looks. After all people with money would much rather be waited on people who were good looking then someone who wasn’t.
Well there was no point in questioning it now, she would have to borrow a uniform from one of the other girls, maybe Shelly, and hope to survive the evening amongst rich snobs. Folding the letter she tucked it in her dress pocket and went to go tell Michael.

Deck number 2 was unmistakeably more glamorous and tastefully decorated then anything she had seen around the kitchens or the store rooms that were found on the lowest deck. She was not accustomed to being on this deck as she rarely found cause to visit it. It was complete with everything someone would want, lush red carpet, large gambling tables, smooth dancing floors accompanied with a full orchestra that strung out sweet melodies, wide windows that at daytime let the sweeping daylight flow into rooms.
Even now as Jen glided between the bodies of heavily perfumed women and men choked in cigar smoke she could feel a noticeable difference in the atmosphere.
First there wasn’t a sense of pressure, nor was there a panic as someone went to stop a pot from over boiling or a dish from burning.
The people seemed contented in there rich fabrics and surroundings. But underneath it all Jen could sense distrust and caution. It was mixed everywhere she moved, in the false laughter, the awareness of which each person studied the other. Instead of the open sadness that clung to the kitchens there was an oppressed depression.
Jen yawned trying to disguise it by placing the tray in front of her face, yawning as she had been told by Edward Walker, was out of the question, when serving in front of the customers. It couldn’t be helped though, it was well past eleven and stretching on quickly to midnight, she had been mingling in the crowds serving edibles of sorts for hours and was ready to fall asleep on her thin mattress. As the last refreshment disappeared from her plate she went back to restock but found her way barred. The boy who only the day before, had sparked so much anger in her, now stood in her way.
“Sir, can you please move out of my way,” Jen said in a low firm tone hoping not to attract any unwanted attention, it would not look good to be arguing with a customer, her first time waiting on the second deck.
“No,” he said nastily “I want some answers,”
“I’m sorry but I don’t know what your talking about,” Jen replied politely. Pushing gently past him she made her way to the bar not daring to look behind her to see if he had followed. Placing her empty tray on the counter she lent forward to pick another but was grabbed from behind and dragged away from the noisy room.
“Let go of me!” She shouted at the boy, who only glanced at her once then dragged her to one side of a corridor.
“Right,” He said grabbing her collar and shoving her against the wall “tell me what you know or what you think you know about me,”
“What? I don’t know anything about you, what would make you think that, just let go of me,”
“You do,” he hissed “and even if you do not I know there something your hiding, and I want to know what it is,”
“Are you crazy, before a couple of days ago I didn’t even know you even existed, what is it you want from me…” her sentence was cut of as the boy hastily shoved his hand over her mouth as a party of people came down the corridor. After they had gone he removed it and stared for sometime at Jen his eyes boring into Jens.
“Look,” he said eventually, sighing “there’s something different about you, something I just can’t figure out, since I met you it’s been annoying me non stop,”
“Yeah well same here, since you came I’ve completely changed, I’m different,” Jen closed her eyes briefly only to open them a moment later and see the boy looking at her in curious way.
“Different how?”
“Just different, do I have to give you the specifics?” Jen spat
“Don’t,” The boy said pushing her into the wall and hissing in her ear “be so damn nasty,”
“I’ve had enough,” Jen said gritting her teeth. “What is your problem?”
“My problem is you,” The boy said with venom.
“What have I done? Okay sure I shouted at you once and I admit that wasn’t like me but I said sorry, now leave me alone!” Loosening her arm from where it was trapped behind her back, she made a wild punch, just securing a hit on his jaw. He staggered back, but was not shocked enough to allow Jen to aim another punch at him. As he got to his feet he stood in a fighting position.
“So you really want to fight, well come on then,” At these words Jen felt an anger build up in her, worse then any she had, had previously and before she knew it she had launched herself at him with incredible power, more then she thought was humanly possible. It was like she had gained a new strength or ability that was making her circle round him and avoid his blows with ease. However after Jens first punch he had become more aware and like Jen was somehow dodging her hits with immense speed. The fight seemed to last minutes, as they endlessly swerved each others hits, but eventually it was broken in a matter of seconds as they were interrupted by a passenger stumbling down the shadowy corridor. Jen waited into the passenger had disappeared then looked about for the boy. Narrowing her eyes, she peered cautiously into the dark, but it was hopeless, she knew he was gone.

It hasn't been looked at much so just point out the mistakes and I would be very grateful. I've read a little bit of a printed copy and I do aknowledge theres some mistakes, if you could, point them out i would be grateful. I know my grammar and spelling sucks and there imporant factors, but opinions on the actual plotline are neede more however feel free, to tell me my mistakes. Thanks.