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 Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 9:43 am
She'd been keeping low for the last few days, breezing the outskirts of the lands like a leaf which refused to settle. She'd move here and there with such eratic paths that it made her near impossible to track. But eventually she realised she couldn't keep hiding away forever. She'd need to face the pride again at some point and she'd need to put on as normal a face as she could.
So, preparing to re-integrate herself into the pride she had splashed into the shallows of water at the bottom of the falls she so loved - soaking herself thoroughly. She loved water. Loved listening to water, loved watching water, loved being near water. However, it was odd for her to do anything more than hop across the shallows. She rarely got more than her paws wet. Today, it seemed, she was determined to rid her body of every last scrap of scent that male might have left lingering upon her.
The last thing she needed was someone asking about the perfume of rogue hanging around her.
And to think! How that rotten male had tricked her into such a predicament! She should never have agreed to his terms. That was a lesson she had learned the hard way. However, as time had passed, the memory of the 'incident' a few days ago was dulling to an 'ignorable' ache. Yes, yes, she'd done a silly thing, but how high were the chances of conceiving a child in any case? It would be nothing more than an act of lust with nothing to show for it.
Silly, silly male.
With a huff, she pulled herself up out of the water - dripping from the tips of her ears to the end of her tail. Water had gotten up her nose and now she was sneezing as she walked - heading back for the trees to the heart of the Clan.
The only females who tended to put up with her were her own darling sisters, so she figured she'd go and see if one of them were around.
Tejasvi herself was indeed around, the echoes of her own cubs in the distance signaling that she was staying close to guard them them, but not so close as to intrude on the nanny's honor by trying to do his job for him. She was curled up comfortably beneath a tree, her bright green eyes half lidded as her ears were swivelled backwards on her skull to listen to the individual voices of each of her bickering children. They were growing quickly, soon it would be time to name which of the twins would truly be heir and which would take the title of council member from her aunt. She suspected she'd appreciate that, the lioness was getting old for a Kunanda female with power.
It was the scent of Horowai that made her lose her concentration, her eyes opening and shifting to stare at the direction she could hear the faint crunch of underbrush from. A light frown curled her maw as she recognized who it was, pushing herself into a sitting position that portrayed all the regalness of her title. She had begun to wonder where her sister had wandered off to, if she had simply gotten lost or injured, or if she had deserted the pride. It seemed that the time for answers would be now.
"I was beginning to think you weren't coming home," she said as her sister made her appearance from the surrounding vegetation.
Oh, shii--! The sound of her sister's voice startled her. For a moment she thought her heart would hammer clean out of her chest. Then it calmed and she took a deep breath. Dammit. Why did her sster have to be so good at sneaking around like that? Why did she have to appear when Horowai wasn't ready for her?
She was going to think of a good story on the way and now...now there was no time.
She gave her sister a helpless expression that seemed to say: 'you ask me the hardest things.' Then, with a sigh she strode forwards, head down and ears flat to her neck. "I'm sorry, Tess." She murmered, daring a glance up into her sister's regal face. She was a shining, brilliant queen. Everything about her portrayed elegance. What must she think? Having a sister like Horowai skulking around like this.
She did her best to gather herself up and put on a smile. "I was guarding this section of the pride." As usual, she added silently. "I got a little carried away. There was this leopard, you see, skulking in the trees, so I decided to go and shoo it off. Turned out it was a longer escapade than I had planned."
Ugh...Horowai! You really need to learn how to lie!
A brow quirked at her apology, her face betraying nothing as she awaited her sister's excuse. Had it been anyone else, then Tejasvi likely wouldn't have been so interested in where she had been or what she had been doing, but this was Horowai and Horowai had a tendency to get herself into trouble where others wouldn't have. Younger siblings were sometimes a bit of a pain and though she loved her, she would heartily agree that Horowai had once been a very large thorn in her paw - especially in her younger years.
"A leopard, huh?" she asked, her face still mostly stoic, though her green eyes never turned away from her sister. "Did said leopard lead you on a wild chase across the river?" She reached out to poke a paw at the sopping wet ear of her younger sister, grimacing lightly as it came away with dampened fur.
"Horowai, I don't care what you've been doing, I really don't. I know that if it was something dishonorable, you'd meet your toh like everyone else, perhaps more fervently." She shook her head with a sigh, putting her paw back on the ground. "Just this skulking around, this hiding, it is not our way."
Guilt.
The feeling consumed her, maybe showed in her vibrant green eyes, as she glanced up at her sister. She'd always had this feeling that she wasn't good enough to be Tejasvi's sister. No one really wanted her around that much. That was one of the reasons why she kept to the borders, watching for intruders and generally keeping out of the way - despite the fact that she desired friendship more than any other.
"It did." She replied, though half-heartedly. "Apparently leopards aren't as afraid of water as I'd have thought. Don't worry...it's gone now. Good riddance too."
She lowered her gaze and nodded slowly. "I know. I know it isn't. I promise I will do more. I will show my face more often. Just sometimes...sometimes I feel like I'm nothing but a disgrace. And it's true, Tejasvi, I would meet my toh. The pride means everything to me. Everything."
"I just feel...useless."
"You aren't useless," she said, her voice short and crisp as she spoke, "everyone in this pride has their place. You respect our ways, you meet your toh even when you're too ashamed to admit what you've done to scar your honor." She shook her head, a soft sigh trickling from her lips as she looked past her sister's shoulder and out into the dense jungle beyond them. "That is more than I can say of many of the lionesses in the pride right now, which makes you more valuable to me than so many, and especially so because you are my own flesh and blood."
She turned her eyes back onto her sister, lifting her chin a little as she stared down at her form. "You try so hard to do things that you need not do, Horowai. Your clan loves you, we accept you, and we've forgiven you for all your past mistakes. Stop repeating them, and you will find your place with us." It was hard to give advice like this to one's own sister, to someone one had raised from a cub, laughed and cried with. She was family, not a lioness to be scolded, but she supposed sometimes everyone needed a little guidance.
She drew up a little at that. She was valuable? Truly? She couldn't help a small chirp of delight and slowly but surely the memories of her 'dishonour' were starting to fade away.
Yes, the pride viewed males differently when they were not of the pride. However, Horowai had never been partial to them. In fact, if she was going to be brutally honest, she'd say that she hated them. HATED them. It didn't matter whether they were rogue or parastar, they still sent that same shiver of disgust down her spine. And she'd let herself be taken advantage of by one. A male who didn't even have the respect for her that she deserved!
Was she just someone to laugh at? Someone to avoid?
She shook her head to discard the irritation. "I will try my best, Tess, I promise. I want to find my place here more than anything." She just needed to stop doing silly things! Such as fighting with rogues...annoying leopards and shouting her mouth off at every given opportunity like some spoilt little brat.
Oh, wait, that would mean a personality transplant.
She winced and then, out of the blue, she asked a question. "Your cubs, Tess, were they easy to...get?" She blinked, uh, wait, she hadn't worded that exactly right. "I mean...do they...are they...is it easy to have cubs?" A pained expression fell across her face.
She noticed the change in her sister's demeanor and a slight curve at the corner of her maw indicated the smallest glimpse of a smile, though it was reflected much more in the deep emerald pools of her eyes. She knew first hand that if you gave a lioness meaning, they were more willing to adhere to what you expected of them. Perhaps Horowai simply needed some sort of meaning in life to step up and be the best she could be, but what that meaning was, Tejasvi wasn't entirely sure.
"Cubs?" she asked, rather surprised by the sudden swing of conversation. She hadn't ever known Horowai to be the sort to dwell on cubs - in fact, as far as she had been aware, Horowai was strictly prejudiced towards all males. There were some in the pride who were more tolerant and then there were those like Horowai and Kichaa who detested them rather fervently. Horowai, she knew, went so far as to hate even most males born and living outside of their lands. It wasn't exactly their way, but she couldn't fault any lioness for that, because it was difficult to not be prejudiced against them all with their beliefs.
"Well, I've heard that it's hard for others, depending on the lioness. For me, not so much, and neither was it for Kianga." She let a soft, sly smile cross her maw, her head tilting, "but I'll spare you the details." She didn't particularly think that Horowai wanted her to discuss the finer points of the whole process. However, her face became more serious, if a touch more curious after a moment. "Why, are you thinking of having cubs?"
She gulped.
Easy? Not too much of a problem to get...fat with cubs? Pregnant?
She suddenly felt queasy. Was it lunch or was it the words her sister spoke that had her churning? She suddenly found herself wishing the world would swallow her up. What was she going to do if it turned out that she was 'easy' too? Oh no. No, no, no. She couldn't think like that. It was one time. One time! Wasn't it more difficult than that to get pregnant? Didn't you have to want cubs? To want to be a mother? She didn't!
"Oh, no, no-no-no!" She laughed to hide the sudden nervousness and waved a paw dismissively. "Of course not. I wouldn't let a male get close enough to me to...well, you know." She swallowed. Oh crap. Now, how was she going to explain herself if she did end up...being...that thing that she was dreading.
She couldnt pretend that she'd done it proper. That she'd asked a male to sire her cubs, not when she'd just told her sister she wouldn't even consider the idea.
Her heart sank.
Lying. Lying was wrong and she knew it. She knew it with such vivid colour that she knew then she'd have to rebuild her honour somehow. She was lying to her sister! This was...inconceivable!
"Uh..." A pause. Maybe it was time to be honest. "Tess...I..." She paused and tried to clear the nervousness from her throat. "...I should probably get going..."
Tejasvi wasn't stupid. On top of that, Tejasvi had spent years listening to sister lie to her. She knew the signs, the little tell-tale give aways. She narrowed her eyes suspiciously on her as she spoke, her tail twitching as it curled around her legs. Oh, but when would Horowai ever learn her lesson? Lying was dishonorable and was probably the number one reason that her sister was always having to meet toh.
"I see, so you're curious about how much it would take for you to get pregnant, yet you don't want cubs, and you don't even want to have a male close enough to you to participate in the act that would lead to such," if she had just been looking for some fun, even Tejasvi would have understood that. There were females that did that from time to time, and if it accidentally resulted in cubs, then it was their problem.
"Horowai, I will not force you to tell me the truth, but I wish for your honor that you wouldn't lie to me," she said, tilting her chin up once more. For a long moment, she simply stared at her sister, into those matching eyes they had both inherited from a great lioness. Did Horowai deserve to bear them as much as Tejasvi? It wasn't Tejasvi's right to judge that.
Well, what could she say to that?
The truth. There was nothing for it. Tejasvi was certainly clever enough to unwind Horowai's lies - clumsy as they were. Besides, it'd come out sooner or later if her worst fears came true.
And suddenly, without meaning to, the words came tumbling from her mouth, so fast that she could not stop them - save the harsh breaths that kept her from sobbing.
"I have made a terrible mistake! I was at the borders, as usual. I wanted to find something to do. Someone to chase. Someone to scare. I was bored. Lonely. I don't know what came over me. So I crossed the river, I went into the jungle and searched." She shook her head and drips of water sprayed from her chin. "I was on my way back and I..I..." Here she faltered, but bravely, she continued on. "I bumped into a male. A rogue male. tried to chase him off. Tried to get him to go away. He wouldn't. Then he challenged me to a duel...or I challenged...I can't remember. I accepted and I agreed to his terms. We fought - a quick fight -but he outwitted me and I lost."
She paused and held onto a choked breath.
"What have I done?" She whispered softly.
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Posted: Tue Dec 16, 2008 11:09 am
Tejasvi's brows rose just slightly as her sister's story came tumbling out of her mouth. Well, it was obvious to Tejasvi that this was all of great concern to Horowai. She listened calmly, letting her face soften a little now that her sister had complied with her wishes and was no longer hiding anything from her. Things were always just so much better when the truth was all there was to show.
"You are too proud, sister of mine," she said softly, shaking her head as she imagined the scene of Horowai trying to scare off a rogue, "and it seems to me that you met someone willing to butt heads with you. You had to know the day would come." It was different when Horowai picked fights within the pride - there were rules that regulated things. Outside, things were different. "There is no dishonor in fighting a male outside our pride, no dishonor in losing to him, as he is not bound to our ways, and I think losing may be good for that ego of yours."
However, at this point, she did sigh, shaking her head a bit as she pieced two and two together. "I assume, though, that the terms you agreed to have a little something to do with your questions about how hard it is to become pregnant?"
Wow did it feel good to get it off her chest. She held a lot of secrets inside, a lot of feelings that had been cooped up for years. Now, finally shehad someone to share them with. Ironic really that this person had been with her from the moment she had been born.
She really did need to rely on her sisters more, instead of distancing herself from them all the time. Especially Tejasvi.
She shook a little but did not lift her eyes, afraid to look her sister in the face. Afraid she might not be able to continue. "I know, Tess, I know. He was a rogue, it doesn't matter but...it mattered to me. I wanted to prove to him that..." That what? That she was worth something after all? That she did deserve some of the attention she so desired - but hardly ever got.
"I wanted to prove my worth, not to him, not to anyone but myself." She snorted softly. "But you're right. I allowed myself to be talked into a ridiculous situation and now...now I have to face the consequences."
Which were, of course, exactly what Tejasvi had guessed.
"Yes." She replied quietly. "It does."
"Well, you proved something to yourself when you were foolish enough to do that, didn't you?" she said, staring down at her sister as she looked down at the ground. She suspected that she felt fairly ashamed of herself, and just as well that she should. Pride was a dishonorable thing when it got too out of hand and if she did say so herself, Horowai's was becoming a little hard to manage at this point. "Horowai, you don't have to be the fastest or the strongest or any of that to prove that you're worthy, not even to yourself." She frowned at this, watching her sister for a moment before she let her eyes slip away. She wished her mother had been around to raise Horowai and her other younger sister, for she thought that perhaps they would have faired much better in their morals.
"Consequences, indeed. It would be a great way to pay your toh for such foolish actions if you ended up pregnant by a rogue, and I would wish you ended up with a daughter who was half a pawful as your are, so you might know what it's like to worry so much," she turned her gaze back upon her sister then, but a sigh slowly leaked from her maw. She was weary, but not in a physical sense. "Sister of mine, perhaps cubs are what you need to dose that fire of yours and teach you what the meaning of worth is in our world."
She listened to her words. Truly listened. Tess had always been someone that Horowai had looekd up to - mainly from afar. Sometimes she'd sit back and watch and wonder how on earth she was related to such a lioness. She was wise and powerful and everything that Horowai was not. There was no jealousy in this revelation. It was just the way it was and Horowai had accepted that long ago.
All she wanted was to do something attention worthy. To make people stop what they were doing and whisper, 'hey, did you know that was Horowai?'. But that was a lot to ask and Horowai was starting to realise that now.
She was not the smartest, the bravest or the strongest. In all likelihood she'd remain a nobody forever. But Tejasvi was right. She was always right. She had to make the best of what she had now. Not constantly chasing after something you couldn't have.
What sort of existance was that?
"You're right, Tess." She replied softly. "This has certainly taught me not to be so rash in seeking glory and honour. I am afraid...but, if the encounter has left me with cubs, I will do the best I can. It is the least I can do to make up for my stupidity." She paused and smiled very slightly. "I'm a pawful? Truly? Then I have not changed one little bit since the day I was born. Is this the secret to eternal youth?" She chuckled, clearly eased by her sister's words of guidance.
Tejasvi had no other wish for her sister than for her to find her place in her rank, to find peace with who she was, and be happy with the cards that life had dealt her. She wondered it that would ever be possible for her dark siblings, if the world would ever make way for her to settle down. She knew that is Horowai suddenly changed her ways, became the model of every Gasht, that she would garner the attention she so sought, if only because it was the very opposite from everything she had ever been.
"I have faith in your ability to raise cubs, Horowai. If they do come, we will find you the best nanny there is among the males." The slight smile that crept onto her face then did not go missed by Tejasvi and her own formed in place, unable to remain too serious when Horowai went back to her more playful side. "You are indeed, little sister, and always have been. Though if that is the secret to eternal youth, then I do not wish it on anyone else, or all big sisters in the world will moan in frustration." She chuckled lightly, shaking her head at the darker lioness before her.
"You do?" To think, her sister had faith in her! And here she was thinking she'd be a terrible mother. She'd never wanted children. Never wanted a male close enough to her to make it possible and now-- woah there, girl, it might not even happen!
She forced that flutter of joy away, confused by the fact that something which had been terrifying her only a moment or so ago was now brinking on something akin to excitement. Alas, with her luck, there would be no cubs and her dishonour would be for nothing.
How would she make up for it then?
She grinned. "It's a good job I'm hard to upset, isn't it, Tess?" She replied in jest. "Well eternal youth or not, you did well putting up with me. A lot wouldn't. A lot don't in fact. You and Soyala are the only ones who even give me a moment's notice. No matter what I do it seems to backfire. Cubs or not, I'll try to do what's right, I promise you."
She'd made the promise before, but it sounded more heart-felt now. "I'll try my best to make you proud."
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Posted: Thu Dec 18, 2008 11:27 am
"We're you're sisters, Horowai, that's what we're supposed to do," she said softly, her smile genuine and heartfelt as she stared into those eyes that matched her own, "blood is thicker than water. If this pride has not taught you anything, it should have taught you that." Blood ties were the greatest and most treasured thing among this pride, clans were built upon them, and sisters treasured one another above all else. Their honor was bound together, and Tejasvi would never, ever stop caring or watching out for Horowai.
"You will always make me proud, even when you shame yourself, because I know you are enough of a Kunanda lioness to admit that and meet the toh you bring," she said softly, dipping her head to her sister in a silent bow, an acknowledgement of her. Horowai had faults, but her pride burned deep and gave her some of her greatest attributes as well.
She bowed her head, moved by her sister's words but afraid of letting it show. It warmed her to know that if she had nothing else in the world she at least had the love of her sisters. They meant more to her than anything. Them and the pride.
"Our family has always been strong." She acknowledged then.
Then, with a shaky breath she stood and lifted her face to gaze into her sister's own. "Thank you, Tess. Sometimes, in my loneliness, I forget I have you and Soyala there. You two are the only ones I can talk to like this...with affection, with trust. It shames me more to think we do not spend enough time together."
She drew in a breath. "Tess...if...if it turns out to be true. If I am pregnant...would you...be able to help? I don't know what it's like...being pregnant. I hear it's...painful." She tried to show that she wasn't afraid. But she was. She could do her duty but she had not ever planned this. She was afraid of the unknown.
"Do not be shamed, love," she said quietly, shaking her head, "there are more things that keep us from talking than your own demeanor. I have my duties, after all." She knew that even if Horowai had wanted them to talk more, to be closer, that she wouldn't have been able to do so as often as either of them would have liked. Soyala might have been more available, but she wasn't often around either - Tejasvi suspected she went on long hunting trips, though she wouldn't have been able to say why.
"Of course," she said with a serious nod, "I'll always help. It's something you must do mostly on your own, you know, but I will be by your side. Me, Soyala, Kianga - we will all be here." The pregnancy itself had not been all that terrible, but oh, the birth.. the birth was a terror.
She nodded. When they spoke like this it was easy to forget how busy Tejasvi was. She was Queen and so had a lot of pressures to deal with on a day to day basis. Horowai was glad that she didn't have such a responsiblity. Being a guard was trouble enough in itself! She sometimes felt sorry for her sister - though she did indeed do a terrific job at leading.
She nodded, drew in a deep breath and raised her head - taking on the posture that her rank called for. She was a gasht, a proud guard of the Kunanda. Let her hold her head up high for a change. She had nothing to be ashamed of and she would make sure to uphold her honour and make up for any mistakes she had made. Did that not in itself give her the right to carry herself with a little pride?
"Thank you, Tess, truly." She moved forwards to touch her nose to her sister's shoulder, a sign of affection. Then she drew back and smiled. The smile reached her eyes.
"As soon as I know for sure - one way or the other - you'll be the first to know. If you need me, I'l be around here - as always." Her fur - still wet from her dip - gave it a brilliant gleam in the dappled sunlight as she stepped backwards beneath its caress.
Tejasvi pushed herself slowly to her feet, rising to her full height and smiling as her sister let her proud posture take back over. She too fell back into her noble stance, her head high and her shoulders back as she stood before the darker lioness before her. "I am always here, Horowai, if you need to talk." It was true that she was often busy, but she would make the time as quickly as she could for her sisters.
"I will be waiting to hear the news, one way or the other," she said, dipping her head in return to her sister's sign of affection. Then, as Horowai began to back away through the dappled light shining down through the canopy above, Tejasvi turned and began to head in the direction that she could still faintly here the sound of her own cubs. They sounded as if they were growin quiter - no doubt ready for a nap. After that talk with Horowai, she was glad that she didn't have to deal with their rowdiness at the moment.
One day, she was sure, Horowai would be comfortable with her life. It wasn't today, it may not even be tomorrow, but she couldn't help but wish that she did find herself with a belly full of cubs. They had a way of putting the world in a new perspective.
She watched her sister go, her eyes thoughtful. She was a different lioness around her sister. Sensible, sure-headed. Tejasvi's words instilled a confidence in her to make the right choice. But now that her sister was fading away she was beginning to feel afraid again.
Yes, she'd make up for her dishonour and she'd never let herself be manipulated by an outsider again. Yet, her mixed feelings about the cubs lingered. It would be good to be a mother but bad also. She didn't feel ready. She'd probably never feel ready. But was anyone? Did anyone hit a stage where they were prepared for the challenge of children? Horowai did not know.
Instead she turned and made back towards the falls. She needed to hear their comforting melody and think over what had just been said.
All Horowai knew was this. She needed to change.
Boy was that going to be hard.
/fin
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