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 Posted: Fri Dec 12, 2008 8:51 pm
Don't read this if you don't want to be depressed. Please. But I feel I... need to write.
"I have more reason to go than Kayli."
....Oh, Courtney. I could throttle you in a second for saying that. Now, I'm off to go tattle on the people who skipped school, went to the funeral for enough time to grab evidence of being there, and then went shopping! Oh, don't smile at me, Cassie! I am quite volatile when my hormones are imbalanced. I've never felt so sick, tired, angry, and NOT depressed. I'm just trying to control myself and not carry anything around that I could hurt someone with in a moment of inflamed passion. ...I can still see Cassie saluting me with her drink, and smiling, and see that man, shaking, sobbing, trying not to hurt the people who are laughing up at the coffin about how they used to make fun of Mark. Even my stupid brother was too light about it.
Oh, God. Chris, are you okay? He was your best friend. I can't stop crying. Don't look at me, Kayli. You'll start crying too. Please, I don't want to go up there. Please. Don't go up there. My feet won't listen. Kayli. Kayli? Here, take my hand. Grace brought tissues. Oh, at least let me take the tissue out of my hand first! Ha. Look, they put D&D cards in there, and GI Joe... He looks so pale. I guess if vampires are dead they really look like that too. I'm surprised it isn't closed casket. He looks like he's just sleeping. Just... sleeping. Maybe he'll get up. No, you read too much. Isn't that strange? His chest looks wrong on the left. Kayli? Kayli. Here, take my hand again. Yes, he does look like he's not dead. There's a bruise on his brow. I don't want to move, but I want to run. I think I'll stay a bit longer... Kayli! Where are you going? Kayli...! Here, oh... Oh. Okay. What am I supposed to do...? You weren't supposed to run. Oh. Angie! Oh, Angie. I'm so sorry. And this is your boyfriend? ...I like his hair. He must be so kind and good, to come to support you at your ex-boyfriend's funeral. Yes, kind and good. Lucian. That's how Lu is. Wait, isn't that how Lucian's hair is? I'd forgotten I'd draw it that way. Maybe I should cahnge that description, but I can't remember exactly what I wrote. I wish I could just listen to 'Sanctuary' right now, or Kate Havnevik... Or something, to get my mind off of this silence! Why on Earth is it so silent! Wait, what was that about Lee? Mark's mom. Poor Lee. She's dying in more ways than one. Is that Mark's girlfriend? I'd say so. She's crying as much as Lee.
......
I want to go home.
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Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 8:35 pm
It hurts.
It's like something has eaten slowly away at everything inside me and left a cavern of nothingness. Every time I see your face, or think about you, there's such a mix of anger and sadness and pain that I have to hurry to blink away tears. I... don't remember happiness. When was the last time I was happy? I can't remember. Maybe that's why I've not been able to sleep for so long, and then not able to wake, and maybe it's why my grades have gone down. I just can't bring myself to work, to think. Why now?? Why right now, when all I wanted was rest? Now I can't do anything at all. I can't sing well anymore, or maybe I sing with such force driven by emptiness.
Can't someone hear how desperate I am...?
I just want someone to stay with me for a long while, and not say anything, but lie down and listen to music together. Someone who won't do anything but hold my hand when I cry, without pitying me. No, don't say it's all right! Stop saying 'there's a reason' when I don't care about the future! I want NOW. I don't want to think about what's ahead. Why can't I live just one day at a time.
My eyes are burning. I feel so tired and worthless and small. I want to break down and weep. Weep for what's lost and what I need to do. i should stand and move forward. But they aren't strong. I'm so weak I can't stand. I have to lean against the piano; I'm so exhausted. I can't move. Oh, I just want to sit down and let sleep wash over me. But if I let my legs lose strength, I really will fall.
How can I sing of happiness when I am so obviously not happy? I'm sure my pain is showing through.
I won't be here tomorrow. Why? Oh God. Don't ask why. Ha, well, that's too bad, I don't like Liz anyway! I'm going to a funeral. Whose? Here's the paper. Yes, I knew him. ........ Fine, I'll sit down. No one better see me. I don't think I can stand it. I don't cry in front of people. Stay quiet, stay quiet. No, I don't want to talk about it! But I... I need to. I loved him. He was my friend. I still remember all the times we laughed together and I prayed with him. But I'm silent. How can I say, "I loved him". I still do. I always will. Why does it have to be past tense? Oh, Haley won't be here either, you know. We're both going. Don't talk to me, my voice is breaking. I can't afford to miss school, but I have to. I can't afford to attend, either.
If time could stop I'd stop it the last time I saw you. I'd hold you and say it. I love you. Now what was the show you wanted me to watch again?
Because I don't remember what you said, even though you said it so many times. I'm sorry. I should have at least remembered that, right?
I'm so sorry I let her hurt you.
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Posted: Sat Dec 13, 2008 8:46 pm
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwsJOBJNMScGod. Just how stupid can someone be? This is simply becoming ridiculous. Stop laughing and joking with me! Can't you see how much I just don't care! God! Shut up for a few seconds and let me be! Mother!
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