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 Posted: Wed Dec 10, 2008 3:23 pm
Okay so, this journal is going to be out of order when it comes to some posts.
I post entries as they come to me, most the time when I haven't even written that part in the story yet.
If I have comments before the entry I'll generally put it in italics and in [brackets] so yeah.
Well this is Lucien's journal. He's the leading male in my story Thicker than Blood and I thought he needed a journal because he's a character who is all over the place people generally don't understand his actions or moods.
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Posted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 1:33 pm
_______I think I have royally screwed myself.
_______I have complicated my existence once again though this time and I do not believe I will ever be able to fix it. Miss Whitworth, excuse me Lorraine and I have become closer than I ever expected. So close we could practically be considered lovers; except for the fact that we have not done anything more than steal a few kisses.
_______I am emotionally attached to her as some would dare say, I cannot get her out of my head and I fear that I will never be able to tell her my secret. It's been three months that we have known each other and she has not the faintest clue what I am or what I do. I always thought she was more observant.
_______Telling her will be hard. I have already tried once but I could not bare to see the fear in her eyes at the thought of me killing her. As I tried to tell her she just smiled up at me with her big doe eyes, her hands on her lap as we sat in her father's garden.
_______Instead of telling her that I was corrupt, I told her that she was beautiful and I swore I saw something ignite in her eyes. I had never told her before, so she must have been excited at the fact; if she was any other woman I would think that she thought I meant to court her.
_______Thank the Lord she isn't any woman; both Lorraine and I are never going to be in a relationship together, let alone marriage.
_______Though I wish I could tell her my feelings; feelings that are as complicated and so very wrong...
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Posted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 1:35 pm
_______I cannot leave her now. Not after what I have done to her. I have given her false hopes that I am to stay but I know in my head that I can never do so. Last evening we consummated a marriage that never took place; the marriage took place in our bodies but not in the eyes of God. I did not mean to but something got the better of me; possibly the distress I might loose her?
_______She could have died; had gotten into an argument over my secrets and she left without taking a horse; the stupid girl, as beautiful as she is - took a midnight stroll down the streets of London.
_______I had followed Lorrie, of course, knowing what was likely to happen and if I was not there the man would have used her like a common whore and slit her throat. The b*****d that I am took territory of the woman I thought to be mine and carried her home as she sobbed and weeped in distress.
_______When she calmed the events of the night began to unfold; the lovely Lady Lorraine Whitworth have herself to me and I took like a greedy man; no better than the rapist that tried earlier in the night.
_______She lays in my bed now, sleeping peacefully; but I know that when she wakes midday; crawls away from my body that is holding her tight to open the curtains to let the rays of sun shine in; I will die. I will combust and leave her forever alone - so now I must tell her; though not for the sake of just myself but for the sake of Lorraine's heart and what is left of her tattered reputation.
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Posted: Sat Dec 27, 2008 1:36 pm
________I have been betrayed.
________Betrayed by the only person I have shown love to since my curse was set upon me. The woman that I not only trusted by loved as well turned on me and betrayed me to the Social Society of London.
________Looking back on it all I see why she pushed so hard for my secrets; why she wanted to know why I slept all day and moved about so frequently. She was working for the other men, the Holy men who believe the damned should die.
________She was to gather information about me, to truly see if I was the damned and then when they had enough information they were going to burn me alive.
________I can't believe she would do this to me.
________When I overheard Elizabeth talking about how Lorraine was giving them my secrets I confronted her about it. Lorraine cried and sobbed; telling me she had no choice. She always had a choice in the matter though. She could have lied; told them I was a normal man. She begged me not to hate her, to continue to love her even though she wronged me.
________I laughed in her face and kicked her out of my home after that I went to work on having the servants pack my things. I was leaving as quickly as I could; I would not even bother securing a property first. If I had to I would live in an Inn for a month if it was absolutely necessary.
________Two days later I rode out on horse back at dusk. Hurrying through the city and towards Scottland. That was when a woman threw herself in front of Zyphyr and he reared, almost knocking me off. I was about to yell at the woman for being stupid enough to run in front of a horse when I realized it was Lorraine.
________I dismounted and grabbed her arm, hauling her to the side of the street with the horse reins still in my hand. I yelled at her for being stupid, for having the audacity to throw herself in front of me.
________She cried more and begged me not to leave because she loved me; the nerve of that woman. She begged me not to leave when she was the one who wronged me.
________I laughed at her and then said the cruelest words I have ever said to a woman, "I never loved you, you stupid girl. I was using you just as you were using me. What man needs a woman with a reputation such as yours?" The look on her face almost killed me as I turned from her and mounted Zyphyr and left London.
________Everything that I loved being left behind.
________Though, after my last encounter with Lorraine, is it wrong for me to still love her; even though I hate her at the same time?
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Posted: Thu Jan 01, 2009 6:26 pm
[This is way in the past for Lucien. He's recalling on his memory of events. It's kinda like a short mini-chapter once I really think about it.]I was infuriated when I had came home that morning before dawn. The fight at the pub had not been my fault which angered me, I should not have been kicked out for the other man raising arms against me.
We both were drunk and I had a witty reply to something he had said which led us to a drunken brawl. I had broken his arm while he had blackened my eye and fattened my lip.
Though I was more drunk than I was angry at this point.
My father was up waiting for me, fully dressed and waiting for me by the stairs, "You were out all night again, Lucien." He spoke in French. Everyone spoke in French; it wasn't like the Italian, Greek, and English I am not accustomed too.
I ignored my father. I didn't have to answer to him. I was a full grown man. I was twenty-five years old and the only reason I was not out of his home and on my own was that I was next in line for the Dukedom and he insisted that I stayed with him.
"I am speaking to you boy and you best acknowledge me when I do so." Father bellowed, the sound echoing off the walls.
I turned to face my father, anger clear on my face. "Not now father."
"Yes now. You are in line for my title of my land and you go out every night until dawn getting drunk and whoring, then sleep all day and do not attend to your duties."
I growled feeling my anger growing, "I am a grown man and am choosing to live my life how I want to live it." In my mind I cheered myself on, congratulated myself on taking control for once and just not letting everyone else do it for me.
His face became red as he yelled in rage; screaming that I was ungrateful, hollered that I was unworthy of the title that would go to me when he died. "You have gone to far Lucien! This is to far and I will not take your behavior any longer."
"What will you do to me, father?" I yelled back a smile now displayed on my face. "I am far to old for you to put over your knee and I am not mother where you can just yell and I will do as you command."
The old man's face became became an unsightly shade of red as he bellowed out, "Jacques! JACQUES!" I knew at that point everyone in the house was already awake due to my father's shouting as well as my own.
Jacques wasn't that old, he actually was only five years older than myself. He was a brick wall of a man that my father had taken on as our butler for the man's large body.
"Take my son to the whipping stool," the old man ordered. Any other time I would have shown my shock but I kept my face blank.
I could easily break free from Jacques when he grabbed me but I did not want to harm him. He had no say in my punishment and was just following the orders of my father.
As I was dragged to the back of the house, the whipping stool came into my view. I promised myself that I would not ask my father to stop. I would not scream out in pain. I would take this like a man and when I was released he would regret doing this to me.
As Jacques bent me over the stool, my arms were secured with thin leather straps. I pulled at them to see if I could get my arms free but I couldn't without using a lot of strength.
I heard my father's boots coming up behind me before I felt the stinging go through my back. My hands fisted and my eyes squeezed shut at the pain. Every time the whip came down on my back I flinched but did not make a sound, everything before my eyes slowly started to become red and I felt the monster inside me rearing its head trying to defend itself.
In the distance I heard the whip set aside before I felt a soft hand on my tense arm, "I am only doing what is best for you, boy. You best understand that."
Without any thought of my own my other arm lashed out, breaking the binding and splintering the wood as I grabbed the old man's hand. Breaking my other binding I grabbed my father's flabby neck and hissed at him, my beast completely revealed.
Jacques shouted and ran from the room as I dealt with my father, "You dare whip me! You dare hurt me!" My beast yelled through me, using me to get its words heard.
My father cowered as he wailed, "You are the devil!"
The pressure I applied to his neck increased, "You have no right to speak to me any longer." I broke his neck then. With one hand I crushed every bone in his neck and his lifeless body slumped and I let it fall onto the floor.
I walked into the next room to encounter Jacques with a sword, he swung at me but missed by only a little. I growled, baring my fangs at him before I launched myself at him; knocking him to the ground. I leaned down to use my fangs to rip his throat out, blood gushing onto my face and clothes.
Jacques' eyes became dull and lifeless as I stood from him, my vision the same shade of red as the blood that coated my chest. I turned towards the next doorway to see the cook standing there, shock on her face before she screamed and turned to run.
I went after her, grabbing her arm and spinning her to me. My fangs buried themselves in her neck the next second; drinking a bit of her blood before I removed him and broke her neck and she fell to the ground.
This time the house maid screamed, a high shrill that hurt my ears. My eyes swung to her as she ran up the stairs. As I did with the cook, I went after her and when I grabbed her I began to drink her blood. Only this time the maid hit me hard with something; my vision blackened long enough to pull herself away and run to the closest chamber.
My beast growled, vocalizing its displeasure through me as I screamed. My yell going through out the whole of the house as I slowly climbed the stairs again to see the maid come out of the room. Upon seeing me she screamed and ran to the right.
This time I tackled her to the hallway floor, my body pinning hers as my fangs sank into the back of her neck, her screams slowly died down as she herself died. I removed myself from her, standing up and headed to the room the maid had ran out of.
It was the door to of my mother's private sleeping chamber and paused, I heard her heavy breathing as she rushed through a prayer, begging for the safety of her soul and the outcome of the nights events. The growl that escaped me was barely human as I pushed the door open to reveal my mother cowering in the middle of the room holding her rosary.
Her dark hair was tousled from sleep and her eyes were full of fear. Her once pristine white sleeping gown was covered in the blood of that simple maid that had went to awaken her.
"No... Do not harm me."
I didn't say anything as my bloody red vision narrowed on my prey. I slowly walked around her, circling her like an animal examining the threat of its mark.
"Stay away!" She screamed as she darted to the opposite side of the room to grab a heavy iron candle stick to defend herself with.
This invigorated me. It excited me to have my prey so afraid of me that it would run so I lunged at her, grabbed her by her biceps and pushing her against the wall.
"I am your mother, you cannot harm me. He will not allow you to harm me, you beast." She whispered as she looked upon my face. The face of the boy she had coddled and soothed as a child. The face of the young youth that had held her hand when they buried the still borne babe that was to be his sister. The face of her murderer.
"This is your fault," I seethed before burying his fangs in her jugular. My mother's screams echoed in my ears, they seemed louder than every other scream I had caused.
I held my mother's slowly fading body as I drank from her and when she ceased to live I dropped her onto the ground and looked at her, the rosary still in her hand.
I leaned down slowly and picked up the simple beaded necklace that beheld a wooden cross. I cocked his head to the side and looked at my mother, her body laying lifeless on the floor.
The next thing I knew I was laying on the floor in the hallway, the rosary in my hand. My vision was no longer red and my mind racing, as if I had just woken from a nightmare.
I looked down at myself and saw I was covered in blood, I then realized that I did not dream the events of that night. I had caused them. I had hunted down my family and staff and killed them.
I washed my face of the blood, changing into clean clothes. I waited until the sun set before I sent for the authorities, telling them that I had just arrived home to find them all dead.
They did not argue what I had told them. Why would they? I was a Duke and there was no reason for me to kill my family and the hands that helped us.
After they were all buried I hired another butler to look after the house and forward the mail to my addresses before I left France, taking only the clothes on my back and my title.
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Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 11:29 am
Wow, quite a story you have there Lucian. What a woman as well.
What are you, or do you not know yet? Maybe I missed it.
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DesertRoseFallen Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Jan 04, 2009 2:31 pm
Thank you.
I would generally not tell this to someone I do not know but I will tell you since you are no threat to me. I am the damned. The devil's spawn. Or maybe a term you are more use to... A vampire.
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 7:00 am
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DesertRoseFallen Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Jan 18, 2009 11:13 am
Yes a vampire. I did not know at the time who made me; he was a complete stranger who just happened by me one night. I did not learn until about fifty years ago that his name was Etzel Koertig of Germany; he died just about five years before that so I actually never was able to meet my maker.
It's a pity really, I was going to repay him for ruining my life.
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Posted: Mon Feb 02, 2009 1:06 am
Damn, that must have been terrible. If I were you, I would want to seek revenge too.
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DesertRoseFallen Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Feb 03, 2009 9:20 pm
I am glad that you are one who understands my inner turmoil.
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