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Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 12:36 pm
I thought this was a great idea. (^_^). Excrutiating but great. I'm determined to finish. Note: I've changed "theme" to "feather just so it would match my story just to clear confusion.
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Feather 1: Introduction
Nezumi woke up to the sound of pitter-patter against the window. Quietly, she sat up on her bed. A tiny black cat curled up at the foot of her bed rolled over to look up at its owner. Nezumi reached out her pale hands to scratch behind the kitten's ears.
"I'm fine, Kuroi." She whispered.
The kitten purred and fell back into it's deep sleep. Nezumi took a deep breath, laid back down and tried to go back to sleep. As an insomniac, sleep was a difficult thing for her to achieve for some reason. Once her eyes closed, sleep seems to only last seconds and she lies there awake again. Pills didn't help much either.
A roll of thunder rumbled through the room. Soon, Nezumi eyes became tired and her room became pitch black. This sense of relaxation was like floating on clouds. Soothing. Calm. Tranquil.
All of a sudden, Nezumi felt water draining into her lungs. "Stop! Let her go! You're killing her!" a strong voice shouted as she gasped for air. Visions of blood spattered snow raced through her mind. Nezumi thought she could feel fire burning against her skin. Finally she let out blood-curdling scream.
Forcing her eyes open, Nezumi found herself kneeling next to her bed as if she had just drifted there. She could feel herself breathing again with ease. Her long black hair was slightly wet as she pulled strands of it away from her dark brown eyes. On her pillow laid a single golden feather. She sighed as she looked at the clock.
"I've only had three hours of sleep?" Nezumi questioned herself. "That's a new record."
Carefully, she picked up the feather and set it inside a small drawer among her growing, colorful collection. Nezumi wandered to the nearby restroom to splash some water on her face.
"Almost every night for the past month I've had those dreams." Nezumi thought as the cold water lashed against her warm skin. "And every time I find a feather on my bed. What could those dreams mean?"
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Hope you enjoyed it!
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Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 1:37 pm
I've just had a read (oh dear lord, and now I'm stating the obvious...sorry it's been one of those days) - I really like it. It's a mysterious introduction, and leaves you wondering what's next. I also like the 'Feather 1' thing - though im not sure if it fits (for this first section) with the fact you've called this the introduction.
Some random teeeny improvements:
'Nezumi woke up to the sound of pitter-patter' - for some reason 'the sound of pitter-patter' doesn't sound quite right.
'Nezumi questioned herself' - possibly a little overkill on the whole speech description thing. So tempting to find different ways to say 'said', etc., but sometimes it doesn't work. (I'm still deleting stuff like that out of my book, *sigh*)
You also repeat 'those dreams' twice in the last paragraph.
But besides that - SO good. I'm looking forward to reading the rest.
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Posted: Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:44 pm
(^_^) thank you for the critique charbookwyrm. It really helps a lot.
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Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 12:35 pm
Ah, it's no problem - I try to be of use!
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Posted: Mon Dec 08, 2008 5:39 pm
Feather 2: Love
"Mom! I really have to go!" Nezumi shouted as she ran for the door with a slice of toast in her mouth. "Don't forget to feed Kuroi!"
"Don't forget your headband!" Her mother called back.
Nezumi immediately stopped in her tracks. "What?!"
"It's the White Feather Festival at school!"
She sighed as she finally remembered what it was. "I gotta go! Bye!"
Nezumi raced down the the street and sharply turned a corner. The rand tower up ahead was chiming the new hour. One... Two... She could feel herself breathing heavily for air as her legs slowly tire out. Three... Four... There was a crowd in her way. Quickly, she ran full speed at a benched and leaped, her body sailing throught the air above the wood. Five... Six...
"Hey, Nezumi-chan! What's the rush?!"
Nezumi lost her concentration and landed harshly with all her force on one ankle. Sharp pain blasted throughout her right leg as she tumbled into the street. The light turned green and a car traveling at fifty miles an hour headed towards Nezumi. Unable to move, she held up her hands in a futile attempt to shield herself, her eyes closed and awaiting the oncoming collision.
Nezumi could hear a loud screech of rubber against asphalt and suddenly it stopped. She opened her eyes to find a guy standing just inches from the hood of the car. He turned around to look down on Nezumi. His black hair slightly dimmed the light in his eyes on his determined yet gentle face. As if in slow motion, the man squatted down in front of Nezumi and examined her ankle.
"Nezumi-chan!"
Nezumi turned to find Yukari, her second-year classmate, running up to her with tears streaming down her rosy face. Her golden brown hair bounced into the gleaming sun, floating away from her honeyed eyes. A vision like that would make any boy stop dead in their tracks.
"Nezumi, are you okay?!" Yukari said, kneeling down next to her companion and wiping the tears from her eyes. "I'm so sorry! It's all my fault!"
"It's okay, Yukari-san." Nezumi managed to say through the stinging needles stabbing into her ankle. "I'm fine. Don't worry so much."
Yukari nodded as she wiped away the remaining tears. "Hatori-san, how is she?"
Nezumi turned back to the guy still rubbing his cold hands across her ankle. Just the coolness of his hands was enough for the pain to slowly numb away. Finally, Hatori let go of Nezumi's ankle.
"She's alright." He replied. "She just needs to stay off her ankle for a while. As for the scrapes, we'll need to carry you to the nurse's office."
"I'll be fine." Nezumi protested, trying to push herself onto her feet, though the pain in her ankle hasn't truly ceased.
With Yukari's help, Nezumi could stand up, partially unsupported. Nezumi tried to take a step without flinching but to no avail. But, no matter what, Nezumi was determined to keep walking. She took a few more steps onto the sidewalk and felt triumphant for each step she made. Hatori watched her and followed the girls closely.
"See?" Nezumi said as she collapsed on the bench she had jumped over earlier. 'I'll be fine."
"I guess." replied Hatori. 'See you in school then? You'll be there for the White Feather Festival right?"
The simple question made Nezumi blush and turn away from Hatori's gaze. "Maybe."
"Alright then." Hatori flashed a charming smile. "Oh, and this is for you.'
Nezumi could feel the sudden aching in her foot stop as Hatori quickly turned and walked away. She looked down to find herself cradling a single white feather in her hands. A gentle breeze rocked it back and forth.
"Eh? Is there something going on here that I should know about?" Yukari asked.
Yukari's infinite questions drowned out as Nezumi resumed staring after Hatori as he disappeared among the crowd of people.
"That was weird."
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Yay! Chapter 2 up!
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