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 Posted: Sat Dec 06, 2008 5:37 am
(Aim log between DFA and Kimaria)
What was this feeling?
Was it guilt? Was it fear?
No...maybe it was both of those, but somehow it felt to be more. She felt void of something important, as if she were missing the key to her soul. It felt as if it was slipping away from her. There was so much confusion pent up in her, so much troubled thoughts.
She felt like a dying woman whose body was getting more and more decayed with time. She felt as if she were nothing more than an empty carcass. Except she wasn't. She still held cubs - though she knew they'd soon be out and about.
Her face was stricken and the glare in her good eye was somewhat odd. It was as if someone was wrenching the curtains away, allowing her free view of the rubble that her life had become.
Something wasn't right.
Something wasn't right in her head.
What was going on?
If she'd not been so big she'd have been pacing back and forth, trying to put this into perspective, trying to understand this awful feeling inside of her. Ripuka didn't know it yet, but whether she liked it or not, the denial that had been set upon her so thick, the false life she had coveted herself with, was slowly coming apart. The truth was there in front of her, so brilliant and vivid that she could no longer ignore it.
She could pretend all she liked, but her faith was slipped away from beneath her paws. Yes, she still had that one last hope. The last hope that her cubs would be born with Firekin pelts. If that did not happen...if one of them was born like Azarax...then...that was it. Her heart would release Finar-Si and then what? What would become of her? All her life she'd had her faith to look to, her faith to guide her in times of need. When she came upon a choice there was no choice because faith would always steer her. Now...now she could feel herself gaining free will and it was scaring her.
And Kenna knew what Ripuka always had - but had never allowed herself to see.
Makaa was not all he seemed.
She released a mourn-filled cry and shifted so she was sitting at the entrance to her den, blinking into the heavy sunlight.
"What am I going to do?" She whispered.
While Kenna was devoted to her ideal, to Finar si and the pride itself, she had begun to notice that things... were not exactly how her parents had claimed them to be. She was young and her mind allowed for change still; that much had become obvious during her trip back to the pride with Ji. He had proved himself strong, reliable and intelligent, even despite the fact he was half blooded. What did that mean? Did that mean that perhaps they were wrong? Could it mean that the Simo had been right all along?
While a lot of her sibblings were content to remain in denial, Kenna knew something was fast approaching; the end. The of something or other. An era? A time? An ideal? She wasn't entirely sure of what, but something was indeed fast approaching, specialy once she realised that when the pride's cubs grew up... they would have no one to mate, for they were all cousins or too strongly related. Their lines would die.
The mournful cry caught the queen's ears and she strode towards the other lioness, "Hold on. That's all we CAN do, Ripuka," she allowed herself to lay before the older female, her red eyes gazing at her, "Not the end of the world."
It was not a surprise that Kenna was here on the scene. The two had grown close over these past few weeks. Ripuka respected this young queen and would remain devoted to her even through this hard struggle. In fact, maybe if there was no Finar-Si to look up to for guidance, she could look to this young female?
Ripuka had once been thought of as wise, but she no longer thought herself like that. Maybe age had addled her minds, maybe she was just too old to blabber anything useless anymore.
Studying the red-pelted queen through her one good eye, Ripuka realised how much Kenna had grown, how much she had strengthened. She did not rule how others had. She was an ancestor of Makadari, but her way of ruling was perhaps far more affective than his had ever been. She did not rule through fear, but through an aura that demanded respect. Ripuka wasn't quite sure what it was, but she knew that Kenna was a good ruler - possibly one of the best they had ever had.
One spark of good in the darkness.
Ripuka let a smile scrawl half-heartedly across her face. "You sound troubled, my Queen." She replied gently. "Everything is so troubled now-a-days. "
Not the end of the world...
Was it not?
It felt like it for Ripuka.
"What can I do for you, my Queen?"
"Everything is wrong. We made a mistake," she told the other female as she glared at the ground, "I don't know when, or where, but we did. We made a mistake somewhere down along the line and now there's no going back," as she looked up to the old story teller, Kenna let out a harsh sigh, "Ripuka; what will we do when our cubs grow? What will they do? They won't have anyone to mate. We're all closely related. In fact, it's a miracle some of us even found mates, and we had to go about it in unconventional ways. When our cubs grow, they will have only cousins to look to," her tail came to wrap around her hind legs as she turned to glare at the desert dunes, "It'll be the end of our line."
She could feel the life starting to stir within her even now, and it troubled her to know that once her cubs were out, they would not be able to find mates or carry on their lines, "It'll be the end of us all. The others say we should take it one step at a time, that we'll tackle that problem once we get to it, but Ripuka... do you see fair that our children suffer for our mistakes? I might be rash, and I might have a lot faults within me. I know them, I acknowledge them, but taking responsability for that what is mine is something I was taught to do."
That was also why her slave, Zap was never used for anything outside personal hygine, or as a helper during her hunts, "A lot of our pride is big and lazy. They rely on their slaves and the turn a blind eye to the problems. I can not do that. I wouldn't even have managed to have a litter of my own, had it not been for Ji. I'm related to the rest of the pride, and those few I am not related to are taken, or are females," she looked away then, frowning, "I had a dream. Finar si was in it. I think it's a sign. It felt like death, like the end."
She listened in silence to Kenna's words, not saying anything until she was sure she was done. It surprised her that Kenna was saying these things and a tremor of irony ran through her. She'd heard these words before. She remembered how much anger they had instilled in her, how much fury and betrayal it had awakened. Now, hearing them spoken from a female she knew and trusted, she knew that their situation was a dire one.
She gathered her thoughts and when she spoke her voice sounded weary.
"I've heard those words before. You were probably too young then to have heard them. On the day the rebels came to drive us from all we held dear, their leader, Kidondo, pleaded with us all one last time. I thought of him as a son, once. I taught him about Finar-Si, about being true to the Firekin ways. Yet, even though I did my best, he turned against us." She shook her head. "I hated him for what he did, for betraying his people and casting us out of the lands gifted to us by Finar-Si. I hated him so much I was ready to kill him. I tried to." She remembered that day. Kidondo speaking to them about their doom, about their family lines closing. Fevered and angry she had leapt at him, intent on silencing him.
The slave had stopped her...wounded her.
"Now, hearing those same words spoken by you, my Queen, I finally see sense in them. You are right. If we remain as we are then we will die. You are wondering why my hope dies?" Even if she wasn't Ripuka felt the need to explain herself.
"That day when we were forced to flee the lands, I was angry. I was ready for vengeance. All I could think about was how such a thing had happened. I didn't give up hope because I believed, with all my heart, that Finar-Si would guide us."
She looked up. "You say you had a dream of Finar-Si? I have had nothing." Her face filled with pain. "Your dream...a prophecy of what is to come? Yes, I can believe it. Every fibre of my being is telling me that I have been wrong. Hope is fading. I fear...I fear Finar-Si will never come."
The queen's ears flattened back; she hadn't heard the words herself, true, as she'd been a cub and could only distantly remember the rebellion and the chaos that she'd watched in morbid silence from the den. However, she could remember her parents talking of the betrayel... and the way they'd sneered at the words the rebels had spoken, but now, when faced with the problem, she was forced to admit that there was some sense there. Admiting to it had repulsed her at first, to her very core, but the problem was there and it did not seem like it was going to look away the longer she looked away from it.
When she'd taken up the role as queen, as leader, Kenna had come to realise that she had to put the wellbeing of the pride and its members before her own. It went against what she'd been doing so far, and it had been hard, but there was no other way to rule a pride. Fear did not work as well as respect did, for it was through fear that rebellions took place, "There is no one left," she drawled out low, as a whisper, "No more firekin to mate, and when our children grow, they will be faced with the problem. It is not theirs though, it should be ours to fix," a snort was offered through her nose, and it was clear she was trouble, "On one paw, there's the option of going against all that what we are... admiting that they were right, and we were wrong. Our old ways, they way we've been living for centuries.... it will all die. I hate that," she shook her head at the thought, "On the other paw, we can do nothing and watch how the next generation ends it all. And rather than our ways, we, as a race, shall die all together."
It was clear Kenna hated the second idea even more. There was something akeen to saddness within the queen's eyes as she looked at the old story teller; the older female had been more of a mother during the past weeks than her own mother had been, "I wanted nothing but to take that what was ours back. But then I realised... they had the numbers and the strength, and going against them would mean the death of a lot, if not all of us. For what? To take back our land? What would be do then? We can't even face a new generation."
Hearing the old lioness out, the queen closed her eyes for a moment, "I can't remember what the dream was about, nor what it said. I can't even remember what happened in it. I just remember seeing Finar si and feeling that something was going to happen... something is going to happen, Ripuka. And that something won't necesarily be good," she shook her head once more, "We look up to Her, but I fear... we have done something wrong. If we are like this, while the rebels.... prosper, surely we've made a mistake. Surely it is Her will that we are like this. We were wrong."
It hurt to say that; Kenna had never been wrong before. Or at least, it had never felt like she'd been wrong.
Now, faced with the revelation, it stung her pride and made her wish this were a problem she could fix by lashing out at someone... at something, anything, "Do you want to know why I let him stay?" it was obvious she was refering to Maaka, "Because despite it all... despite everything, Ripuka, you deserve to be happy."
Wrong.
They were wrong.
Everything was wrong.
She shook her head in despair and the emotion showed with incredible depth in her expression. They were stuck in an impossible place, afraid to go back and afraid to go forward. Pride. Pride would be the death of them.
"It is a grave situation." She replied hoarsely. "Either choice we make means losing something that we love." She replied quietly. "But you are right. We cannot allow our children to become entangled in this web of death." She thought of her own cubs - close to being born themselves. "Firekin are many things, but we are loyal to our own. We must care for them. A soloution must be found. But I fear that the situation is spiralling out of control. Think, my Queen, the rebels would never allow us back into their lands. They will think us plotting and cruel. They may even kill us if we go near." Though she didn't think that was the case, it was still a possibility. Then she thought of Wakia, gone to them, gone to his beloved. "No, I'm wrong. They would accept us. Some of us. Not me. Not a fool who struck out at their leader. But maybe the others, maybe the children."
Maybe, maybe, maybe. Nothing definate, nothing concrete. She hated this. Hated not knowing what to do.
"Who knows what Finar-Si thinks. In her eyes we all could have sinned a thousand times and not known it." She scowled. "I no longer understand her. I thought I did...once when I was young and my parents were still alive."
She sighed. "Maybe this is the end. You are right. We cannot hope to fight against them and win. If our children want a future, then we have to let go of the past. We have to move on." She couldn't see any other way.
Her eyes lifted at Kenna's last words and a little fear worked into them. She knew. She knew.
"My Queen. I owe you so much." She bowed her head. "Makaa...he is a good lion. I have rarely been happy but...you are right. He brings that feeling out in me." She blinked back tears. "I can never repay you for what you did."
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Posted: Fri Dec 19, 2008 2:16 pm
"I know," she said simply and though her eyes remain hooded, the emotion shone within them, "We were dealt a lossing hand, no matter how you look at it and there's very little we can do to fight it. I don't know what the others will think about this either. It troubles me."
She pondered further, tucking her forearms under her belly, her brows knitted together in thought as Ripuka spoke, "They would not accept me, surely. And not my own... not my sibblings. We are the royals of this line and all what they stand against, are we not? I don't know," she let out a mild sigh before looking up, "The children would be alright. They would take them in. It's the others that I worry about, as a queen. They are all my responsability too. I can not just abandone them."
Kenna saw the understanding flash through Ripuka's eyes and she could not refrain the smirk, "Happiness is hard to come by, Ripuka, and you should treasure it. I learnt that by chance only some time ago... maybe.... we really were wrong," her egaze turned away from the elder lioness, "I wish I could find a way to show the others this."
She flinched.
This was it then. The end. The end of the world? Probably not, but it seemed so to Ripuka. "Whatever action we take, my Queen, it is clear to me that it is over. Traditions are dying whether we want them to or not. We could hang onto them with all our strength and yet they will still slip away." She shook her head, deeply troubled.
"The children could adapt to a new way of life. They will not take the blow so harshly and they will be more prepared to face the future. You are right. It is the old ones. The others like me who will find this the hardest. For our children to have a future we must let them go but to do so closes the seal on our own demise."
She shook her grizzled head. "I cannot do it, Kenna. I cannot go out into the unknown. I have been there, once before, in the lands outside of the desert. It took the life out of me. Shrivelled up my heart. I cannot face that again."
She lowered her voice. "Whatever action you decide to take, my Queen, I intend to stay here. It is not much, but it is all I have. And when I die, my children can be set free to go their own way."
"I will not go anywhere while you are here, Ripuka," she'd come to think of the old lioness if not like a mother, then like a granmother. She was wise and loyal and had suffered more than than most of them for their pride and their traditions, "It's time to stop suffering... it's time for you to stop having to support the weight of the world on your shoulders. The world won't end... I won't let it."
If anything, Kenna was stubborn to the death, and even if she'd been dealth a death sentence, she was not ready to give up or let go, "The first step to fixing a problem.... is admiting there is a problem, Ripuka. We'll manage. We'll do it together, because I believe you are not ready to let go either."
She was touched by Kenna's words and it showed in the softening of her usually stern and serious features. The words had taken her offguard, but they pleased her greatly. Having friends like Kenna to rely on made her realise that not everything was so bad.
"I would not have you give up your future for me." She replied. "But your words mean a lot to me. It has been long since I have had a friend I can confide in. In fact, I don't think I've ever had such a friend until this moment." The only other female she was close to was her own daughter, Jua. Jua reminded her of herself in her youth...but somehow that didn't seem to make her happy these days. She did not want to see her eldest daughter making the same mistakes that she had.
"I hope you are right, my Queen." She replied, nodding. "For as long as I live I will continue to strive for something better. It may come to nothing but I will not lie here and wait for it to end." She blinked slowly and thoughtfully. "It is not the Firekin way. We were built to survive. We will survive this, though at this moment in time I am not so sure."
She smiled. "Of all the rulers, Kenna, I think you have grown to be the greatest. You see and do things with far more wisdom than those before you. If anyone can find a way through this, you can."
Kenna let out a sigh as she lowered her head so it placed over her paws, close enough to touch the other lioness' side, "Welcome to the real world, Ripuka. You're not alone," and she meant it. They were not connected by blood, true, but they both shared the same passion to help their own. To see the firekin strive, "Nonsense, Ripuka. We will stay for now. We will think this over and take the right step when we know what's best for us all," while this was true, Kenna also knew that Ripuka was old.
Old to the point she was not entirely sure how much longer she would last. The old lioness was not going to live much longer, of that she was sure of, and that meant she could hold back and wait for her death. There was no rush just yet... she would face the end head on, and would stare it in the eye without fear, because that was the way she had been taught.
A small snort escaped her nose at the old lioness' words though a real, true smile graced her maw for the first time in a long while, "We'll manage. Somehow."
Ripuka knew it too. She knew it with all her heart and soul. She was old and somedays when she woke she wished for nothing more than to rest her head and fall into eternal slumber. But whilst her unborn children relied on her she would not give up.
This sudden age had come for many reasons.
The pregnancy had been a major factor, but also the battle and the realisation that things were sliding out of control. Everything seemed to take so much effort. Sometimes she just wanted it to all go away. But, stubborn, she would not let that happen until she had done all that she could to help her people.
Kenna's smile was infectious and Ripuka mirrored the expression with such genuinity that it surprised even her.
"We will. I beleve that if nothing else. The Firekin will prevail."
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