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 Posted: Tue Nov 11, 2008 9:54 pm
Hello there everybody! This is just the thread where I fix up different posts that people have in my contest. If you disagree with what I have done, let me know, and tell me in here or something! To see the contest, here's the link: WG contest!
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Posted: Fri Nov 14, 2008 9:56 pm
I've just notice something. If there are simple corrections such as capitalization or spelling errors, I'm just going to correct those. I don't feel like posting it again, because most of you know how to do those correctly.
Also, I just noticed something. I will post who it's from(since Gaia is to busy working on the freaking MMO), what page it's on, and what post it is from the bottom.
If you have questions or clarifications as to what your character did, please profile comment me, or PM me, and I'll get to it as soon as I can.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:02 am
Post from Ethril, Page 4, Post 7(total post down from the top) Quote: She wanted to roll her eyes as she heard a resounding yelp of joy from her sister, who was the leader of the darkness clan. I changed it to: Quote: She snickered(or the dragon equivalent of it) as she heard a resounding yelp of joy from her sister, who was the leader of the darkness clan. I can see in writing, she wanted to snicker, or maybe she wanted to laugh, but I find it hard for a dragon to "roll their eyes" The way you had it, I was thinking that it didn't make sense. Snickering is a way to subtlety make fun of the person, or thing. Quote: ...The only humans living there fight to the death to survive." Quote: ...to survive, and I don't think that they'd ask questions before killing." I just elaborated a little more. The bit before it is the same.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 9:55 am
Post from luvs2wolf_is_a_dragon, page 4, post 8 Quote: Curious and eager, he turned his head this way and that, pondering the thoughts of the people... to... Quote: Intrigued enough to pay attention, Iisalvak glanced around... I see Iisalvak as an older dragon, one that while being curious, isn't really one to show eagerness, especially since he's reserved about talking his thoughts to the world. Quote: ...and Skettering rolled his eyes. "Dendiran, have you gone mad?" he said to the other human, his nostrils flaring in utter disapproval. When he didn't arrive at an immediate response, he raised his voice to ask, "Surely you don't intend to rely on that?" to... Quote: ...Skettering narrowed his eyes. I don't equate rolling of eyes with "utter disapproval". Instead, I changed it so it makes Skettering more...disagreeable. Quote: "Well, I certainly don't." Skettering insisted. He folded his arms across his chest and glared at Dendiran. to... Quote: Skettering folded his arms across his chest and glared at Dendiran. Insistence I see from a long conversation, and when somebody has something to prove. At this point, Skettering has nothing to prove to Dendiran, just disapproval of what he's doing. Quote: To this Iisalvak shrugged. to... Quote: To this Dendiran shrugged. This is mainly between Dendrian and Skettering. If Iisalvak is going to do something, he should butt in or something, but to me, it was confusing when you go from a conversation between the two humans, and then all of a sudden, the dragon shrugs.
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Posted: Sun Nov 16, 2008 7:57 pm
Suiori, page 4, post 9 Quote: Ethereal ended her tirade-like lecture with a loud roar that shook the branches and rained leaves down on the group. to... Quote: Ethereal ended her tirade with a blast of air and sound that shook the branches and rained leaves down on the group. Ethereal's not lecturing. She's pissed at this screwy human for not trusting the freaking alliance. Quote: ...had their been more light in the enclosed forest, would have been blinding reflected off of her golden eyes. to... Quote: had their been more light in the enclosed forest, her luminous eyes would have blinded everything. Before, I was confused as to what was reflecting. The light or her eyes? I hope that my editing made it somewhat in the same spirit.
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Posted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:25 pm
Suiroi, page 4, post 11 Quote: "...We can not win, we must leave Kisha!" to... Quote: "...We cannot win ; We must leave Kisha!" I see this quite often, and I feel when I correct it, that it's something that isn't hard to fix. What we have here is two complete sentences, but the want to mash them together into one sentence and so the use of the comma. Rather than use that, it is correct in this case to use a semi-colon. If you think that the semi-colon is used wrong, then don't be afraid of putting them into two different sentences. Just remember this then: Don't be afraid of using semi-colons!
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Posted: Sat Nov 22, 2008 11:56 pm
Quote: The buildings in the city of Kisha had been built with large grey stones, famed as one of the hardest and most durable substances in the world.
Kisha had been a fairly successful city with satisfied citizens, good hunting grounds and of course, strong defenses.
But that was the Kisha of one year ago, the Kisha of present was one of rubble remains from the once proud grey buildings; and the only people who were left in the city were battle-hardened fighters.
Those incapable of defending themselves had all been relocated to another city farther south, but even so it was impossible to tell if they were safe. The entire northern territory was no longer safe.
Although the buildings in Kisha had been destroyed, some of the walls had been left standing and the people who had stayed to fight built temporary shelters using the walls as one side of their flimsy two-walled quarters. The other part of their shelters were made by tying together logs or any other wood available with rope, and leaning the raft-like...board, diagonally against the stone walls.
Inside one of these shelters, a meeting was being held by three of the four leaders of the resistance.
A man gestured emphatically with his hands. "I'm sure I don't need to tell you what you all already know...that there is no way we will survive the next orc attack. They keep bringing in more and more reinforcements, and with each battle we lose more and more soldiers. Their numbers grow while all ours do is continue to shrink! We can not win; We must leave Kisha!"
That man was Stavin. He was the leader of the cavalry who were always the first to attack in the battles, and he had seen so many of his comrades die, that he had long since lost his will to fight.
"Stavin, I understand your logic, but if we leave Kisha now...we will lose her forever. We will lose our home forever! We have been fighting for the past two months to keep her safe, and if we leave now, what have we been fighting for? What happens to all of the sacrifices our friends and families made for us? Those people who have died, they have died to protect Kisha! We can't just leave now and abandon everything we have fought tooth and nail for! Our parents founded Kisha and built her from the ground up with shanrock (the hard grey stone) and we have been brought up hearing them say everyday, 'This shanrock we have used to build Kisha will forever be her defense; However, you children will have to be the defenders." The man speaking, Kevin, leader of the archers, shook his head. "I...I just can't leave the city our parents treasured so much to...to these beasts! Especially since we know that they want to take our shanrock and use it to create their own cities!"
Kevin loved the city as much as his late-father, the late mayor of Kisha, and had already decided that he would die for it.
"Kevin! This is no time to be a sentimental fool! You don't know since you haven't seen the bloodshed directly, but I HAVE!!!" Stavin grimiced. "I see the pain when those orcs stab their horrible black spears through my men's armor, I see what it does to them when their archers shoot their black arrows coated with poison into their bodies, I see them die! Kisha is just a place! What good is a city, without the people in it? We need to save the people remaining in Kisha!" Stavin slammed one of his hands against the stone wall, almost wanting to throttle the naive young boy.
"Enough you two...we'll never get anywhere with you two yelling like this. We need to talk this through calmly and come up with a rational decision." Mayer was the leader of the magic users, but most of them were useless in battle and served only as healers. He himself was fairly skilled in offensive magic, but there is only so much one person can do. Mayer was the oldest of the group, and also the most rational thinker who usually came up with the suggestion that was accepted by everyone.
"Shira is still out at the front lines keeping an eye on the orc party and will send us word if anything happens; however we need to hurry and decide our next move before she does!" Mayer said decidedly.
Shira was the leader of the assassin/scouting/messenger group, and was at the moment hiding behind a large grey boulder. (one of the shanrock fallen from a building.) She had hidden her entire body well, revealing not even her shadow as she kept an eye on the orc party.
Shira was a pretty girl with dark tanned skin and long black hair often pulled back into a pontail. She was actually not a native of Kisha and had been born on a southern island (which was why she was dark-skinned) but she thought of Kisha as more of a homeland then her actual homeland.
As she sat behind the rock watching and waiting for the orc's next move, she spotted something bright in the sky flying at an incredibly fast pace first straight, and then zipped to what it look like...towards her?
"What the heck?" She whispered. Shira yelped as she jumped away from her hiding spot, narrowly dodging the orb that suddenly landed where she had been a moment ago. "Oh shoot." Shira realized that she had given her position away to the orc party that was not thirty feet from where she was. She quickly picked up the orb and started running back toward Kisha. "Dammit, dammit, dammit, dammit!!!" she yelled as she ran... she also uttered a few more words that were less...tame.
(thanks for reading this ridiculously long post; i just felt that i wouldn't be satisfied unless i wrote everything down so again, thanks for reading it! xD)
Ok, screw just writing down what I messed with. I am just going to copy and paste this into her post, because I'm don't remember exactly what I changed.
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Posted: Thu Nov 27, 2008 7:21 am
Obsidian Wyvern Suiroi, page 4, post 11 Quote: "...We can not win, we must leave Kisha!" to... Quote: "...We cannot win ; We must leave Kisha!" I see this quite often, and I feel when I correct it, that it's something that isn't hard to fix. What we have here is two complete sentences, but the want to mash them together into one sentence and so the use of the comma. Rather than use that, it is correct in this case to use a semi-colon. If you think that the semi-colon is used wrong, then don't be afraid of putting them into two different sentences. Just remember this then: Don't be afraid of using semi-colons!
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Shanra the Dragon Bard Vice Captain
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Posted: Sun Nov 30, 2008 11:14 am
Ethril, Page 4, Post 13 Quote: "...Shira's men." Kevin said as he glared at Stavin. Stavin glared angrily right back at Kevin... to... Quote: Kevin said as he glanced pointedly at Stavin. Stavin's eyes shot sparks back at Kevin, his blood boiling in rage... Lets make it a little more colorful, shall we? Those two are in a "sibling rivalry" even if they aren't siblings. After all, we know that his eyes can't really shoot sparks... Quote: At that moment Shira ran in with the orb clutched to her chest. She had run all over, to get the orcs off her trail. She had successfully lost them and had headed straight for the main camp. Added a few words and... Quote: At that moment Shira ran in with the orb clutched to her chest. "Give me a second guys," Shira panted. She had run all over, to get the orcs off her trail. She had successfully lost them, but there were a couple of close calls! As soon as she was sure that none followed her, she headed straight for the main camp. Again, I just want it to make it a bit more descriptive. Sorry if I'm misinterpreting anything! Quote: "that...THING nearly hit me and caused me to loose my hiding place," She said with a glare at the orb. She brushed a strand of hair back. And I added... Quote: "Wow. You look terrible!" laughed Kevin. Shira glared at him. Nonchalantly, she brushed a strand of hair back. Am I abusing my rights as an editor? I just want to make things more descriptive! Jeez, I'm adding stuff, and I'm not sure if that's destroying the character's image...
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Posted: Thu Jan 22, 2009 9:30 am
you're doing great obisidian. By reading the changes you're making, I'm learning a little more about elaboration and context. Great job!
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Ethril the Dragon Mother Captain
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