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 Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 4:59 pm
Rest in peace...I officially decree that we...need a joke contest! So...START POSTIN' YER' BESTEST JOKES, MOFO'S!
DO IT!
(winners get bragging rights and nothing more.) ...dirty blue.
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Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:00 pm
Before I start, are there any restrictions? Can we make sex jokes, sexist jokes, racist jokes, or just flatout insensitive jokes?
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Rommel_Desert_Fox Vice Captain
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Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 7:52 pm
If what I have said offended you...
I would rule out racist jokes since they are against terms of service and can get the guild banned.
Also: do funny pictures count?
... then it was probably intentional.
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Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 2:47 pm
DERANGED HANK Before I start, are there any restrictions? Can we make sex jokes, sexist jokes, racist jokes, or just flatout insensitive jokes? All of the above, except racist jokes. ...dirty blue. Rommel_Desert_Fox If what I have said offended you...
I would rule out racist jokes since they are against terms of service and can get the guild banned.
Also: do funny pictures count?
... then it was probably intentional. No...they do not count. ...dirty blue.
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Rommel_Desert_Fox Vice Captain
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Posted: Tue Oct 21, 2008 8:31 pm
If what I have said offended you...
ok
1. Deranged Hank's leadership skills
2. A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat
next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the pope does."
3. Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A: Ask your mother...!!
4. Q: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?
A: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.
5. Q: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A: Wiped his a**.
6. Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?
A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
7. Q: What do the Gynecologist and the pizza delivery man have in common?
A: They both get to smell the goods but neither one of them can eat it.
8. Q: How can you tell if you're at a bulimic bachelor party?
A: The cake jumps out of the girl.
9. Q: What do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
A: Full.
10. Q: What's the difference between oral sex & a**l sex?
A: Oral sex makes your day, a**l sex makes your hole weak.
11. Q: How is pubic hair like parsley?
A: You push it to the side before you start eating.
12. Q: What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams
every night??
A: Hanson.
13. Q: If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have
you done wrong?
A: Made her chain too long.
14. Q: What's somewhat brown and often found in children's underpants?
A: Michael Jackson's hand.
15. Q: How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
A: They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you
lose your house.
16. Q: What are three words you dread the most while making love?
A: "Honey, I'm home."
17. Q: What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A: A guy will actually search for a golf ball.
18. Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.
19. Q. What has seventy-five balls and screws old ladies?
A. Bingo!
20. Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a "quickie", only you do it yourself.
21. Q: Which of the following doesn't belong: wife, meat, eggs, blow job?
A: The blow job. You can beat your wife, your eggs, or your meat; but
you just can't beat a blow job.
22. Q: What is the definition of Confidence?
A: When your wife catches you in bed with another woman and you slap her on the a** and say, "You're next Baby... !"
23. Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.
24. Q. How do you get three little old ladies to say the "F" word?
A. Have a fourth one yell "Bingo!"
25. Q: Why don't blind people skydive?
A: It scares the s**t out of the dog.
26. Q: What have women and condoms got in common?
A: If they're not on your d**k they're in your wallet.
27. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead
lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
28. Q: How do you make a dog drink?
A: Put it in a liquidizer.
29. Q: What's got four legs and an arm?
A: A Rottweiler.
30. Q: What is 18 inches long, stiff and makes women scream at night?
A: Still birth
31. Q-- What's the best thing about ******** 26 year olds?
A-- There's 20 of them.
32. Man walking through the woods at night with a little boy.
BOY: "These woods sure are scary!"
MAN: "Dunno what you're complaining about-I have to walk home alone..."
33. A twenty-something disabled girl with no arms or legs is sitting in her wheelchair one day in a park. All of a sudden she starts to cry. A man walking by sees this and walks up to her. He then asks her why she is crying. She replies "I'm nearly thirty years old and I've never been ********! Will you help me?"
The man can't resist her, she's weak, helpless and bawling her eyes out. So he agrees.
He proceeds to push the chair and says that they're going to go somewhere special. They soon arrive at a nearby beach and the man hires a small boat. "How romantic", the girl says. The man lifts the girl out of her chair and seats her in the boat. They then row out some distance.
"I told you I would help you and now I will." The man gets up and the girl has a look of excitement on her face. The man picks her up and throws her overboard. "NOW your ********!" he says and starts to row away.
... then it was probably intentional.
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Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 5:25 am
*3 idiots want to become a detective so they go to one to ask for work.*
detective: "if you want to become a detective, you need to be good at noticing the smallest details"
*the detective looks trough his files, takes a photo from them, and shows it to the idiots for only a few seconds*
detective:"so what did you notice?"
idiot nr1:"he only has one eye"
detective:" it a profile picture! it only shows one half of his face. What did the rest of you see?"
idiot nr2: " he only has one ear"
detective: "dam your such a moron, didn't you hear what i said to that other idiot? ok what did you see?"
idiot nr3: "he's wearing contact lenzes"
detective: "impressive, how did you know that?"
idiot nr3: "well, he can't possibly wear glasses since he only has one eye and one ear"
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Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 4:16 pm
Rest in peace...Here's my joke...just for shits n' giggles...
Three find themselves at the gates of hell.
Satan says to them "If you can pass the three test that I give you, you may go to heaven...sound fair?"
The men nod yes.
Satan then tells them the three tests for them you accomplish, which are as following:
Test one: You must slap a lion so hard, that it becomes unconcious.
Test two: You must have sex with an ugly prostitute 100 times.
Test three: You must drink 15 gallons of taquila.
They each chose different test to accomplish. The first man chose to slap the lion unconcious...he was eaten and sent to hell.
The second man chose to have sex with the ugly prostitute 100 times...he only made it to 11 times, gave up, and was sent to hell.
The third man chose to drink the 15 gallons of taquila, he was successful.
He said "*Hic* I think...I'll *Hic* do the...lion test now...*Hic*."
He then stumbled into the loin cage, and after a few hours, he emerged without a scratch on him.
He then asked "Now...*Hic* where's that ugly *Hic* prostitute I have to *Hic* slap unconcious?" ...dirty blue.
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Posted: Wed Oct 22, 2008 4:45 pm
Ok, here we go
A magician had landed a comfortable job on a cruise ship. His act was rendered hilarious by his parrot who would ridicule the magician after every trick, saying 'Big deal, the cards up his sleeve.' or 'He put the ball in a hidden floor, the big faker!' One night the ship began to sink and while confusion reigned, the magician was just barely able to get to a tiny life boat with his beloved parrot.
For two days the magician and parrot floated on the rough seas. Strangely, the parrot sat on the opposite end of the craft just staring at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot screamed 'Okay, i give up, where did you put the damn boat??!!
..............................
Three guys were standing at the top of the Empire State Building in NYC. The first guy says to the second, "You know, the wind currents are so strong here in NYC that one could step off the edge of the building and literally float in mid-air due to the upward thrust of the thermal air current."
"No way, man, you're crazy," said the second guy to the first.
So the first guy steps off the edge of the building and justs floats in mid-air for about 20 seconds and then returns to the roof of the building.
The second guy is simply thrilled and says, "watch me do that" as he steps from the edge roof into the open air. Of course he falls like a stone straight down all the way to the waiting pavement below. SPLAT!
The third guy, who has remained quiet the entire time, leans over to the first guy and say, "You know something Superman, sometimes you can be a real a--hole!"
....................................
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter
Bad: She keeps interrupting
Worse: With corrections
...................................
An old man is speaking to a young boy and they get onto the topic of death.
"So little boy, how would you like to die?" asks the man.
"I want to die sleeping like my grandfather, not screaming like the other people in the car".
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 1:59 pm
why are divorces so expensive?
because theire worth it
.................
why is micheal jacksome bad at blackjack?
he won't hit anything over 14
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Posted: Thu Oct 23, 2008 2:58 pm
> Customer: 'I've been calling 700-1000 for two daysand can't get through; can you help?'> Operator: 'Where did you get that number, sir?' > Customer: 'It's on the door of your business.'> Operator: 'Sir, those are the hours that we areopen.' >
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++> Samsung Electronics > Caller: 'Can you give me the telephone number forJack?'> Operator: 'I'm sorry, sir, I don't understandwho you are talking about.' > Caller: 'On page 1, section 5, of the user guideit clearly states that I need to
unplug the f ax machine from the AC wall socketand telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number forJack?'> Operator: 'I think it means the telephone plug on thewall.' > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
RAC Motoring Services> Caller: 'Does your European Breakdown Policycover me when I am trav eling in Australia ?'> Operator: 'Does the product name give you a clue?'> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
Caller (enquiring about legal requirements while traveling inEurope )> 'If I register my car in France , and then take it toEngland , do I have to change the steering wheel to the other side of thecar?' >
---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
Directory Enquiries> Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argo Fish Bar,please' > Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no l isting. Are yousure that the spelling is correct?'> Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargo Fish Bar butthe 'B' fell off.' > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
Then there was the caller who ask ed for a knitwear company inWoven.> Operator: 'Woven? Are you sure?'> Caller: 'Yes. That's what it says on thelabel -- Woven in Scotland .'> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds froma phone box
told a worried operator:> 'I have n't got a pen, so I'm steaming up thewindow to write the number on.' > ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the OpenDesktop.'> Customer: 'OK.'> Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?' > Customer: 'No.'> Tech Support: 'OK . Right-Click again. Do you see apop-up menu?'> Customer: 'No.'> Tech Support : 'OK, sir. Can you tell me wha t youhave done up until this point?' > Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write'click' and I wrote 'click'.'> ---------------------------------------------------------------------->
Tech
Support: 'OK. At the bottom left hand sideof your screen, can you see the 'OK' button displayed?' > Customer: ; 'Wow! How can you see myscreen from there?'> ---------------------------------------------------------------------- >
Caller: 'I deleted a file from my PC last week and I justrealized that I need it. So, if I tu rn my system clock back two weeks will Iget my file back again?' > ---------------------------------------------------------------------->
WordPerfect organization for'Termination without Cause.' > > Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Supportemployee.> (Now I know why they record these conversations!):> > Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may Ihelp you?'> Caller: ; 'Yes, well, I'm having troublewith WordPerfect.' > Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'> Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, andall of a sudden the words went away.'> Operator: 'Went away?'> Caller: 'They disappeared' > Operator: 'Hmm. So what does your screen look likenow?'> Ca ller: 'Nothing.'> Operator: 'Nothing??'> Caller:
'It's blank; it won't acceptanything when I type.' > Operator: p; 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or didyou get out??'> Caller: 'How do I tell?'> Operator: 'Can you see the 'C: prompt' onthe screen??'> Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'> Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursoraround the screen?'> Caller: 'There isn't any cursor; I toldyou, it won't accept a nything I type.' > Operator: 'Does your monitor have a powerindicator??'> Caller: 'What's a monitor?'> Operator: 'It's the thing with the scree n onit that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you whenit's on??' > Caller: 'I don't know.'>
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of themonitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'> Caller: 'Yes, I think so.' > Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, andtell me if it's plugged into the wall.> Caller: &nbs p; 'Yes, it is.'> Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, didyou notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not justone??' > Caller: 'No.'> Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to lookback there again and find the other cable.'> Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'> Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me ifit's plugged securely into the back of your computer.' > Caller: 'I
can't reach.'> Operator: 'OK. Well, can you see if it is??'> Caller: & nbsp; 'No.'> Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee onsomething and lean way over??' > Caller: 'Well, it's not because Idon't have the right angle -- it's because it's dark.'> Operator: 'Dark??'> Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, andthe only light I have is coming in from the window.' > Operator: 'Wel l, turn on the office lightthen.'> Caller: 'I can't.'> Operator: 'No? Why not??'> Caller: &nbs p; 'Because there's apower failure.' > Operator: 'A power .... A power failure? Aha.Okay, we've got it licked now. Do
you still have the boxes and manuals andpacking stuff that your computer cam e in??'> Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in thecloset.' > Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug yoursystem and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to thestore you bought it from.'> Caller: 'Really? I s it that bad?' > Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'> Caller: ; 'Well, all right then, I suppose.What do I tell them??'> Operator: 'Tell them you're too stupid toown a computer. >
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Posted: Wed Oct 29, 2008 2:52 pm
Rest in peace...Is that the best you guys got? DISPICABLE! I expected more from you all...YOU HAVE SHAMED ME! ...dirty blue.
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Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 8:53 am
How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
2, the hard part is getting them in the lightbulb
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Rommel_Desert_Fox Vice Captain
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Posted: Fri Nov 21, 2008 2:38 pm
Rommel_Desert_Fox How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, the hard part is getting them in the lightbulb Delicious Rommel. Simply delicious.
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Posted: Sun Nov 23, 2008 3:33 pm
Rommel_Desert_Fox How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, the hard part is getting them in the lightbulb I've heard that somewhere before...hmm...I forget where, but I did...I'M NOT ********' CRAZY, YOU'RE CRAZY! ...dirty blue.
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