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Poetry is what gets lost in translation ~Robert Frost~ 

Tags: poetry, writting, lyrics, haiku, poem 

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The Rest of My Life

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Fluffy Pankakes

PostPosted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 12:20 am


Now I don't think this is a very good poem, but my boyfriend (who I wrote it about) seems to enjoy it a lot.

Quote:
The Rest of My Life

My life was nothing,
I neither lived nor was alive,
But as soon as I met him I knew this,
I'd stay with him 'til the day I would die.

We talked about the future,
What was to be,
How much I missed him
Or how much he missed me.

The problem you see,
Is that he is over there,
and I am over here.
As much as I hate the thought,
It will be like that year after year.

Someday though,
Our ship will come in,
I will be his beautiful bride,
And the distance between us will be thin.

Lip to lip,
It's official,
Man and woman become one,
And he carries me off into the sun.

We grow old gracefuly,
Have a few kids,
Then slowly we slip away...
Only to meet again soon,
Just in another time and another day.

We'll lie happily in our graves
Until the earth gives way,
Then we'll soar into oblivion,
Where we can find a peaceful place,
Somewhere where we can do it all over agian.
PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:07 pm


Hey Fluffy Pankakes! ^.^ Big fan.

Five, Three, Four, Four, Five, Six.

This is the number of lines each stanza has in it, and was the first thing I noticed. (the six at the end really throws me off) I feel if you could clean it up a bit maybe with an alternating 5-3 or 5-4 that it would seem to flow better. And it doesn't have to be that. It doesn't even have to alternate. It can be anything as long as its more uniform. I don't believe that poems have to be uniform but for better flow we kinda have to conform sometimes x.x

Other than some way to make it flow better I don't see much wrong with it. Your rhyming is pretty good. Again the only rhyme I took issue with was the "oblivion/again" rhyme in the sixth stanza. But it wouldn't be that noticable if it was a stanza of five or four.

Lastly, I really liked this poem because it reminds me (and gives me hope) of my girlfriend and I. We live 836 miles away so I can only fly or drive up a couple times a year. Sadness. I really enjoyed this poem! ^.^

Scazarith
Crew


Fluffy Pankakes

PostPosted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 4:58 pm


=D glad you like my work! lol

yah, looking back it does have a weird flow... I'll fix that pretty soon here.

aww im sorry, im sure your girlfriend feels so lonely without you there. I know I do. me and my boyfriend live 2260 miles away from eachother and we hardly ever get to see eachother. I feel your pain. and thanks! ^-^
PostPosted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 11:07 am


Wow. I loved it. I think I'm your second fan, after Scazarith that is, unless he wants to battle for first xd . Good job on creating a poem that can relate to those of us who live far away from our loved ones.

It reminded me of my boyfriend and I as well... we only live about 80 miles apart, not as far as you two, but its still hard to pay for gas and borrow my parents car to visit him.

LunarHybrid
Captain


Fluffy Pankakes

PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 5:45 pm


LunarHybrid
Wow. I loved it. I think I'm your second fan, after Scazarith that is, unless he wants to battle for first xd . Good job on creating a poem that can relate to those of us who live far away from our loved ones.

It reminded me of my boyfriend and I as well... we only live about 80 miles apart, not as far as you two, but its still hard to pay for gas and borrow my parents car to visit him.


^^ I'm so happy to hear that you guys like my work! lol I'm a bit on the selfconsious side.

And thank you, I really think this is some of my better work.

It doesn't matter how far apart your loved one and you live from eachother, if you're not within eye range you're too far away. My best wishes to you and your boyfriend, and anyone else who has long/longish distance relationships.
PostPosted: Thu Oct 09, 2008 10:38 pm


I'll fight you for first place fan! scream RAWR! hehee!

Edit: After reading it again I see that you fixed the last stanza. It took me a minute to realize it because I flowed right out of it, lol. Good job! ^.^

Scazarith
Crew


Fluffy Pankakes

PostPosted: Mon Oct 13, 2008 2:34 am


lol! xD
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[[POETRY]] - {{Misc.}}

 
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