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 Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:05 pm
My son is 22. I can not get him to go to work i support him and i am in exremely bad health. We live in low income apartments and they told me when he turned 18 I had to put him on the lease. I did and now they say i can not kick him out. I work, i have to i have to pay the bills. I have several health issues. I can not get my son to clean at all. If i make a mistake he starts yelling and screaming at me.
I do not know what to do. I am in my fifties. I looked online and could not find a place to help me. The police say unless he hits me there is nothing I can do.
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:27 pm
Umm.. the best I can think of is talk to the landlord or whoever you pay the monthly bill to and ask him/her if you can remove your son from the lease when it's time to renew the lease or at least just have your name on the new lease.
You can also try asking the landlord about making a new contract/lease with only your name on it. Of course you would have to consider buying off the old one.
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:28 pm
Thank you i will try that it is coming up soon.
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:38 pm
That's horrible sad
Maybe try looking for a different apartment in your price range? I don't think the landlord can remove your son's name from the lease without his consent, but nobody can do a damn thing about you removing yours. Then your son will be stuck at your current apartment and will be forced to get a job.
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Posted: Sun Sep 07, 2008 2:43 pm
I have my name on a the waiting lis of another low income apartment but it should be another year. I will keep looking for something cheaper
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Posted: Mon Sep 08, 2008 4:12 pm
well, I know I had a problem like this with a roomate, and he was on the lease but we wanted him out. we were renting a house so it was a little different, but what I did was talked to the owner to see what we could do.
She wrote up a letter stating that he would take his name off the lease, made him notarize it, and we were then able to get him out. So there are things that you could make him notarize and kick him out after that...I think. I mean...that's what we had to do.
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:10 am
I think that's awful. If I were in your shoes, I'd try to find a roomate situation with another female. It'd be cheaper than trying to find an apartment and the monthly rent usually includes utilities.
As for your son, the next time he tries to yell at you, just leave the apartment. Walk out the door, go to a neighbors, the corner store or if your complex has a rec room go there. If he tries to stop you, it's unlawful detainment and he could be removed.
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 1:09 pm
I agree with sweetness for how to deal with him currently. He'll try anything to make you stick around and listen to his BS yelling and the truth of it is: You don't need to listen to him. If he does anything possibly illegal, nail him for it and his lease contract may have a chance at being nullified.
I admit, my first instinct was: move out w/no forwarding address. But that can be hard if you need low income housing.
On a side note, you actually DIDN'T need to put your son on the lease unless you WANTED him to stay. He has to be on the lease because he is living there and the owners need his name legally attached to the apartment should he cause damages. OF course, this is all a moot subject now. xp
I had bad roommates before, but I was lucky because the apartment owners did NOT want me signing the lease (said it was a waste of paper) so I up and left early, without paying rent for the month's I'm not living there. twisted
Your son seems to need a quick slap in the face from reality, and not living with you OR your support may be the best option.
Now, there is a flip side to this situation that I will just state, but not necessarily insist upon:
He may be suffering from depression because he is not working. This may sound weird, but it is true. I was extremely testy during the two years that I had no job, and I was very very lethargic. Daily life activities turned into the toughest things I could possibly do (mentally).
That's all my two cents! smile I hope something works out.
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 7:53 pm
I would try to talk to the landlord or something and see if you can remove him from the lease. That's weird that they would put him on it though. I lived with my mom in an apartment until I was 19 and she never had me on the lease.
But I would see if you can get him taken off. If he's not going to help you pay the rent or even clean around the apartment, I don't see why he should be on the lease. But alas, is there another family member like a sister or brother that you can move in with until you get your health back in shape and get on your feet? Maybe try doing that or something.
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:19 pm
since he is on the lease there isnt much u can do to kick him out.. that is true BUT like other people have suggested, talk to the landlord and inform them that ur son is not helping and is causing more damage than good, and the landlord (if he/she is any good kind of person or landlord) will do what they can to remove ur son from the lease allowing u to kick ur son out.
As hard as that is since he is ur son, u should in NO WAY take any form of abuse from him either hitting or verbal.. none. like my parents used to say to me "i brought u into this world, i can take u out of it", and while u actually CANT take him outta this world u shouldnt have to take it just because he knows ur all ready weaker than him and feel u have no choice but to tollerate it.
And like KaShash said, he could be facing really bad depression, and i fight mine on a constant basis (manic depressive here) and u know what helps? doing things and living life.. just because u feel like s**t means the whole world stops just because of it. so if he IS depressed, a good swift kick in the a** landing it on the curb of the street might be the right kind of push he needs to get over it... or just in general, over himself for treating u like crap.
my brother treats my mom like crap and yells at her if he doesnt get his way (hes 27 btw) even though she gives him money all the time and helps him out, and if im ever around and i see/hear it, i let him know. yea he can kick my a** cause he is bigger, stronger and older than me but im sorry thats NO WAY to treat ur mother.. specially when they have or support their sorry a**..
u can have him removed if he is not fufilling his portion of the agreement on the lease. when he signed that paper that meant that he himself was also going to help take care of the property and the rent therein.. if he isnt doing so, the landlord can have him removed...
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Posted: Wed Sep 10, 2008 8:57 pm
You've been getting a lot of good advice from many people, and I hope it helps.
Another thing - most moms in our fifties are so used to doing things for our children, that we keep on out of habit, buying food, cooking, and doing laundry. Until you are able to get another place away from him, I would strongly suggest that you stop automatically doing things for him. If he treats you with respect and he helps around the house (especially if you're working and he's not) then sure, keep buying him food, cooking, whatever you would usually do for him. But, the first time he yells at you or refuses to do his share of housework, I would tell him that he is an adult and he is on his own to feed himself. It will be inconvenient for you, because you will need to eat away from home, like at work, or in your car, or at the grocery store, just buying enough food for your current meal (unless you have a friend who will let you use her kitchen.) It will seem worse at first, because he will probably yell at you more, and try to bully or guilt you into feeding him. But, he is not a baby - he can get a job and buy his own food and cook it himself. You will need to stand firm, and just not buy any food for the house at all, or he will keep using you and bullying you. Yelling is a precursor to physical abuse, and you need to look out for yourself. Good luck!
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Posted: Thu Sep 11, 2008 9:48 am
Wendy Belle You've been getting a lot of good advice from many people, and I hope it helps. Another thing - most moms in our fifties are so used to doing things for our children, that we keep on out of habit, buying food, cooking, and doing laundry. Until you are able to get another place away from him, I would strongly suggest that you stop automatically doing things for him. If he treats you with respect and he helps around the house (especially if you're working and he's not) then sure, keep buying him food, cooking, whatever you would usually do for him. But, the first time he yells at you or refuses to do his share of housework, I would tell him that he is an adult and he is on his own to feed himself. It will be inconvenient for you, because you will need to eat away from home, like at work, or in your car, or at the grocery store, just buying enough food for your current meal (unless you have a friend who will let you use her kitchen.) It will seem worse at first, because he will probably yell at you more, and try to bully or guilt you into feeding him. But, he is not a baby - he can get a job and buy his own food and cook it himself. You will need to stand firm, and just not buy any food for the house at all, or he will keep using you and bullying you. Yelling is a precursor to physical abuse, and you need to look out for yourself. Good luck! I agree - cut off what support as much as you can. Also cut out things you can live without - like internet and TV services. If he has video game systems, toss them out. If he wants privileges, he can work for them. If his stuff starts to get in the way, move it to his bed. If you can afford it, buy a camera and a pad of paper. Anything he does verbally, write down the date, time, and exactly what happened. If things get physical, like Wendy suggest might happen - take a picture of any bruising and write down all the information as well. Keep a diary of expenses that you pay, as well as receipts so you can show that he is not paying for anything. Don't let your son know you're keeping this. Network and find a friend, if you don't have local family, who can help you if there are any problems or if you need a place to get away.
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Posted: Fri Sep 12, 2008 2:59 pm
Wait... why isn't he working? Is he studying? Is he at least going outside to do something useful even if it doesn't earn money?
It seems a bit difficult for me to judge the situation with this little information, and part of it is also because I'm in a similar situation as your son. Granted, I did work full-time during my years off and my mom is a bit of a control freak who actually tries to SPOIL me instead (she refused to accept the fact that I worked part-time occasionally when I was studying, thinking it would make me less focused).
But enough about me... more questions for you: Under what circumstances does he yell and scream at you? Is he the type to go nuts if you just dropped a peanutbutter-coated knife on the floor by accident? Is it anger issues or is he unhappy about a difference of opinion?
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 8:05 am
That is indeed horrible! I'm 23 and i'd never shout at my parents NEVER! or attack them and i was raised by wolves hahaha(my mum had a dark and horrid past so she was a young mum of 4 others before i was borne)
so yeah...all the love ant attention you gave him when he was a kid take it all back and scrape him from the will i would!! and kick him out of the council/housing place as soon as its renewed...let the lazy sod find a job and work for his income like i do! and i live on my own ^__^!
you absolutly right in kicking him out! i would have beaten him out for u if id be there! 3nodding
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Posted: Sat Sep 13, 2008 4:28 pm
Umm, I find it odd people telling you to document physical abuse. Yeah, sure, document it after the fact, but get the heck out immediately if he does anything like that. It's better to handle things from inside a police station where you are safe than from inside the house where he is.
Personally, I find the whole situation atrocious. He has no idea how lucky he is to have someone like you in his life... yeah, nobody's perfect, but geez, I had to deal with abusive parents. For you, the situation is reversed, if we are getting the whole story. (Pardon me for having to say that, but this is the internet and well... yeah.) I say get him away from you as soon as possible, and if you can't for some odd reason, is there a safe place you can find to live while you wait for other housing to open up? I know it can be hard to up-and-move, but if you feel literally in personal danger, you want no part of that. You might want some counseling too, so you won't be at risk for further abuse from other people.
*hugs* keep us posted. eek
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