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 Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 2:26 pm
My son, Drake, is almost a year old. I want to start off by saying that he is the light of my life and I love him more than I ever thought I could love anyone or anything. However, since he's been born I've been really sick. I've had stomach pains that no one seems to be able to identify a reason. I hardly eat and this past week has been bad enough that I've hardly been able to sleep.
Though that is one problem, it is not the problem I am asking help for. In the past year, between learning how to be a mother and trying to cope with being sick, I don't seem to remember who I am. I seemed to have lost myself. Now that I don't feel free to go hang out with my old friends in bars, most of them have drifted off. I don't get out much. I've been reading and trying to remember who I used to be or trying to decide who I want to be and I really just don't know. My question is, what do you do when you discover that you don't know who you are any more? I am just feeling really lost. I feel like I strayed from the path and am lost in a very dark woods. Any advice would be most appreciated.
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Posted: Fri Sep 05, 2008 8:27 pm
Very common problem, so do not feel like you must be the only woman experiencing this. It's been brought up several times in this forum and in different topics, so if you read around, you'll see bits and pieces of advice about it. I know with my first I had this issue and was rather depressed for several months while I figured out how much "me" I could retain and how much "mommy" made for a good balance. With my second due in literally days, I've been worried I may end up in the same spot again as I try to redefine myself and navigate the waters another time. What made it easier for me was accepting that, like my body, who I am can never be exactly who I was pre-baby--and now I realize that I wouldn't ever want to go back anyway. I like me as a person now. I'm a much more grown up--and I'd argue interesting--person then I was pre-baby. My personality is more defined and honed.
Honestly, what I'd do in your situation is find new hobbies and past times you enjoy. Find something that really speaks to you and you find relaxation and contentment in. You've mentioned that you're trying reading, maybe something more active like a craft might be a better fit? That worked out well for me and since having my son, I've discovered a couple of interests I didn't realize would suit me and I'm actually passionate about.
Next, I'd find new friends with those similar interests and hopefully also have children--or vice-versa, have children and hopefully some of the same interests. The vast majority of pre-baby friends do not hang around once you become a mommy(once again, another theme that has been played over and over again in the guild if you search through the pages in here to find it...very common). You'll find it hard to relate to them, and they'll find it's the same trying to relate to you. Some may even treat you like you're infectious and going to spread BABY among them or decide that you must be boring because you have new priorities. Who needs people like that in their life? After they've come to a similiar place as you're in, you may find them coming back and you never know, you might be able to rebuild the friendships. I'd look online for mother groups on sites like Meetup and see if there aren't groups in your area that you can attend and get yourself out there. Staying home by yourself all the time isn't going to do you any favors. If it's nice where you are, even taking your son out to the park and striking up a conversation with another woman there for the same purpose could lead to some good information on groups or even a friendship.
Now as for your first problem, have you talked to your doctor about this and the real possibility you're suffering from depression of some form? It often manifests as sleep and eating problems. It can also cause phantom pains and aches. Based on your second problem you brought up, it seems all the more likely that your loss of self and what's going on in that aspect of your life very well could be affecting how you feel.
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Posted: Wed Sep 24, 2008 3:45 pm
I think ever mother goes through this, my daughters are 3 and 5 and I still go through spells of feeling lost, or like am less human and more this thing called mom. Just remember to keep breathing. Like Dirge said you have to find things you can do that bring you a sense of accoplishment and help you have an outlet. A craft, or hobby. If you love reading how about a book club? I go to one that meets mounthly it's a few hours away for the kids with other adults to talk to, it really helps keep me sane.
Other things you could do to get out and make friends are groups like MOPS, join a mommy and me gymbree class, or attend story time at your local library or bookstore. When you become a mom the best allies in the fight to keep yourself are other moms. Especially those with childern the same age. They know what you are going through and sometimes you'll find things that seem to only be happening to you are happening to every other mom, and that helps you feel normal.
As far a stomach problems, do not ignore them, tell your doctor you want them to figure it out, and insist that they check you thouroghly. Ask for an upper GI and blood work to look for the ulcer causing bactria H-pylori. Dirge is right about deppression too. I know it's tough, hang in there. I hope this helps and remember your not alone.
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