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 Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 2:17 am
Okay Zerd! For your first lesson under me, I'd like you to role play an entrance post. Go ahead and use Jonathan is you want. Once I read your posts, I'll make the necessary corrections and give you advice on how to make it better. Oh and I want that first post of yours to be creative. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 2:40 am
Hmmm, creative as in, not just simply walking in and going ahead? I guess I could work something out blaugh You'll probably have it tomorrow xp
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Posted: Wed Sep 03, 2008 3:28 am
That's right. And take your time. There's no rush. That's lesson one Zerd. Don't rush your posts. 3nodding
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Posted: Wed Sep 17, 2008 12:17 pm
The streets of Durem were filled with rushing cars and people, they never seemed to have time to relax, Jonathan felt sorry for them. If only they could all lead the life he had, doing a few bounty hunts which paid up to two months of salary, at least. He was cruising around the city, it had been a few years since he had visited Durem, everything seemed to have changed, the people seemed to have changed. He didn’t like it, but knew well enough that change couldn’t be stopped, he would be among the lucky few who could see the full effect of some changes. The rise in cars and pollution, that was one of the changes he could see the full effects from.
He had a large, brown duffle bag swung over his left shoulder, the straps were attached at the ends of the bag. Jonathan was wearing his favourite outfit, the white one, with his trench coat was draped over his shoulders as usual and was fluttering violently, it stuck to his shoulders no matter what. He passed a few terraces on corner streets and decided that he was feeling rather thirsty himself. So Jonathan stopped at the first terrace he saw, parking his bike a few feet away from his own table at the end of the terrace. He throws is bag at the rear wheel and sits down, his feet stretched under the table.
A young waitress came up to him, perhaps twenty-two years old, give or take a few years. She smiled at him, “What would you like to drink?” He smiled back and gave her a small nod as a greeting, “Schweppes, Bitter Lemon please.” She gave a small nod, “ok” and then turned around to get his drink, her butt gently swung from side to side. He grinned to himself as he saw that and took a deep breath before releasing a yawn. He had been very busy the last two years, his chains were broken so he had been looking for a blacksmith where he could possibly mend them, it had been of no avail. He had been forced to create normal chains since he could find no blacksmith that was equipped enough. After that had been done he had started hunting for information regarding the Shinigami Clan, he had heard they had a huge library and were quite talented in the use of magic. It had taken him a long time but now he knew they lived in Durem and owned a library as a front. He had gone trough various hardships and paid a lot of money to get even the smallest bit of information, it had al been worth it, or so he hoped. Anyway, first he wanted to enjoy the last moments of his current quest, so he waited for that waitress.
It only took a few minutes before the waitress returned with a tray in her hand. She was wearing a short skirt and a tight top with a slight V. She bend over just a bit to place Jonathans glass and bottle in front of him. Jonathan smiled at her, keeping his eyes from her cleavage and focused on her face, she was rather cute. “How about you take a drink and join me? It’s not as if there are a lot of customers.” He motioned with his hand and he was right, there were only two couples and an elderly man. They didn’t seem like they would need a refill that fast, both couples were more interested in each other then their drinks and the man was reading a newspaper. The waitress pushed a strand of hair back, a little bit shy she nodded and disappeared in to the café again.
Jonathan took a n** from his glass and before he knew it she was back, holding a hot chocolate with whipped cream. He smiled at her and pushed back the chair next to him. She sad down, still as shy as before. It was somewhat amazing, when she had first served him she had looked confident while now she was as shy as a deer. “So how long have you been working here?” She looked up from the mug she had cupped in her hand, “just a few years.”
“And are you going to look for a different job or do you like this job?”
She sighed a little and took a n** from her mug, “I don’t know yet, I think I can find a better job if I keep looking but this is paying the bills and I kind of like the work.”
Jonathan shrugged, “Well, whatever suits you fancy. There aren’t many people who find a job they like so if I were you, I wouldn’t leave.”
She nodded in reply and leant backwards in her chair, “so what kind of job do you have? I mean, you are wearing a tuxedo and driving a motorcycle…”
Jonathan laughed, “that is a strange combination, I know. Well, in any case I’m not in to normal jobs, I’m a bounty hunter when I need cash fast or a bodyguard when I just want some extra money.” With a smile he picked up his glass and took a gulp of his Bitter Lemon. The girl looked at him and actually raised an eyebrow, “I don’t believe you. You might be big but you don’t seem to be a fighter…” While she talked her cheeks turned red and she turned slightly away from him.
“Then don’t believe me.” He emptied his glass, “It’s your own decision, I would just recommend you to not judge a book by its cover. I learned that the hard way.” He grinned and stood up while gently taking her hand, “anyway, it’s been my pleasure completely,” he kissed her hand, making her blush and turn away. At that time he gently let go and quickly sat down on his bike. He kicked it in gear just when she looked up to see nothing but thing air. He brought his index and middle finger up in a salute, “thanks for the drink.” He laughed out loud and threw his bag over his shoulder, pushed the bike backwards and then floored it. The girl was left with the check, Jonathan couldn’t help it, he had no more money.
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Posted: Thu Sep 18, 2008 11:54 pm
The streets of Durem were filled with rushing cars and people, they never seemed to have time to relax, Jonathan felt sorry for them. If only they could all lead the life he had, doing a few bounty hunts which paid up to two months of salary, at least. He was cruising around the city, it had been a few years since he had visited Durem, everything seemed to have changed, the people seemed to have changed. He didn’t like it, but knew well enough that change couldn’t be stopped, he would be among the lucky few who could see the full effect of some changes. The rise in cars and pollution, that was one of the changes he could see the full effects from.
The streets of Durem were filled with rushing cars and people, they never seemed to have time to relax, Jonathan felt sorry for them.
I notice that you always put commas in places where periods should be. Please watch out for those. I've bolded the edits. This whole sentence can be rewritten as such:
The streets of Durem were filled with rushing cars and people. They never seem to have the time to relax. Jonathan felt sorry for them.
Here is another edited version:
The streets of Durem were filled with rushing cars and noisy people. They never seem to have the time to relax. Jonathan felt nothing but pity for them.
If only they could all lead the life he had, doing a few bounty hunts which paid up to two months of salary, at least.
Just a few edits here and there. Nothing major.
If only they could all lead the life he had, doing a few bounty hunts from time to time (this one is actually optional) which paid up to two months worth of salary at the very least.
He was cruising around the city, it had been a few years since he had visited Durem, everything seemed to have changed, the people seemed to have changed.
Again, the commas.
He was cruising around the city. It had been a few years since he had visited Durem. Everything seemed to have changed, the people seemed to have changed.
He didn’t like it, but knew well enough that change couldn’t be stopped, he would be among the lucky few who could see the full effect of some changes. The rise in cars and pollution, that was one of the changes he could see the full effects from.
Too many commas and not enough periods.
He didn't like it but he knew well enough that change couldn't be stopped. He was amongst the lucky few who were able to see the full effects of some of the changes. The rise in cars and pollution, that was one of the changes he could see the full effects from.
The word 'change' has been used far too many times making the whole thing redundant. Try this:
He didn't like it but he knew well enough that change couldn't be stopped. He was amongst the lucky few who were able to see the full effects of some of the transformations. The rise in cars, the thickening of the pollution...these were one of the few impacts time had wrought that he could clearly discern.
The other paragraphs have more or less the same corrections. By the way, only one person may talk in one paragraph. On your third paragraph, Jonathan and the waitress were speaking but it was in the same paragraph. I've separated it for you.
He had a large, brown duffle bag swung over his left shoulder, the straps were attached at the ends of the bag. Jonathan was wearing his favourite outfit, the white one, with his trench coat was draped over his shoulders as usual and was fluttering violently, it stuck to his shoulders no matter what. He passed a few terraces on corner streets and decided that he was feeling rather thirsty himself. So Jonathan stopped at the first terrace he saw, parking his bike a few feet away from his own table at the end of the terrace. He throws is bag at the rear wheel and sits down, his feet stretched under the table.
A young waitress came up to him, perhaps twenty-two years old, give or take a few years. She smiled at him, “What would you like to drink?” He smiled back and gave her a small nod as a greeting, “Schweppes, Bitter Lemon please.” She gave a small nod, “ok” and then turned around to get his drink, her butt gently swung from side to side. He grinned to himself as he saw that and took a deep breath before releasing a yawn. He had been very busy the last two years, his chains were broken so he had been looking for a blacksmith where he could possibly mend them, it had been of no avail. He had been forced to create normal chains since he could find no blacksmith that was equipped enough. After that had been done he had started hunting for information regarding the Shinigami Clan, he had heard they had a huge library and were quite talented in the use of magic. It had taken him a long time but now he knew they lived in Durem and owned a library as a front. He had gone trough various hardships and paid a lot of money to get even the smallest bit of information, it had al been worth it, or so he hoped. Anyway, first he wanted to enjoy the last moments of his current quest, so he waited for that waitress.
It only took a few minutes before the waitress returned with a tray in her hand. She was wearing a short skirt and a tight top with a slight V. She bend over just a bit to place Jonathans glass and bottle in front of him. Jonathan smiled at her, keeping his eyes from her cleavage and focused on her face, she was rather cute. “How about you take a drink and join me? It’s not as if there are a lot of customers.” He motioned with his hand and he was right, there were only two couples and an elderly man. They didn’t seem like they would need a refill that fast, both couples were more interested in each other then their drinks and the man was reading a newspaper. The waitress pushed a strand of hair back, a little bit shy she nodded and disappeared in to the café again.
Jonathan took a n** from his glass and before he knew it she was back, holding a hot chocolate with whipped cream. He smiled at her and pushed back the chair next to him. She sad down, still as shy as before. It was somewhat amazing, when she had first served him she had looked confident while now she was as shy as a deer. “So how long have you been working here?” She looked up from the mug she had cupped in her hand, “just a few years.”
“And are you going to look for a different job or do you like this job?”
She sighed a little and took a n** from her mug, “I don’t know yet, I think I can find a better job if I keep looking but this is paying the bills and I kind of like the work.”
Jonathan shrugged, “Well, whatever suits you fancy. There aren’t many people who find a job they like so if I were you, I wouldn’t leave.”
She nodded in reply and leant backwards in her chair, “so what kind of job do you have? I mean, you are wearing a tuxedo and driving a motorcycle…”
Jonathan laughed, “that is a strange combination, I know. Well, in any case I’m not in to normal jobs, I’m a bounty hunter when I need cash fast or a bodyguard when I just want some extra money.” With a smile he picked up his glass and took a gulp of his Bitter Lemon. The girl looked at him and actually raised an eyebrow, “I don’t believe you. You might be big but you don’t seem to be a fighter…” While she talked her cheeks turned red and she turned slightly away from him.
“Then don’t believe me.” He emptied his glass, “It’s your own decision, I would just recommend you to not judge a book by its cover. I learned that the hard way.” He grinned and stood up while gently taking her hand, “anyway, it’s been my pleasure completely,” he kissed her hand, making her blush and turn away. At that time he gently let go and quickly sat down on his bike. He kicked it in gear just when she looked up to see nothing but thing air. He brought his index and middle finger up in a salute, “thanks for the drink.” He laughed out loud and threw his bag over his shoulder, pushed the bike backwards and then floored it. The girl was left with the check, Jonathan couldn’t help it, he had no more money.
Here is the version with edits:
He had a large brown duffle bag swung over his left shoulder, the straps were attached at the ends of the bag. Jonathan was wearing his favourite outfit, the white one, with his trench coat was draped over his shoulders as usual and was fluttering violently. It stuck to his shoulders no matter what. He passed a few terraces on corner streets and decided that he was feeling rather thirsty himself. So Jonathan stopped at the first terrace he saw, parking his bike a few feet away from his own table at the end of the terrace. He threw his bag at the rear wheel and sat down, his feet stretched under the table.
((you can't transfer from the past tense to the present tense in one paragraph))
A young waitress came up to him, perhaps twenty-two years old, give or take a few years. She smiled at him. “What would you like to drink?”
He smiled back and gave her a small nod as a greeting, “Schweppes, Bitter Lemon please.”
She gave a small nod, “Ok,” and then turned around to get his drink, her butt gently swung from side to side. He grinned to himself as he saw that and took a deep breath before releasing a yawn. He had been very busy the last two years. His chains were broken so he had been looking for a blacksmith where he could possibly mend them. It had been of no avail. He had been forced to create normal chains since he could find no blacksmith that was equipped enough.
After that had been done he had started hunting for information regarding the Shinigami Clan. He had heard they had a huge library and were quite talented in the use of magic. It had taken him a long time but now he knew they lived in Durem and owned a library as a front. He had gone through various hardships and paid a lot of money to get even the smallest bit of information, it had al been worth it, or so he hoped. Anyway, first he wanted to enjoy the last moments of his current quest, so he waited for that waitress.
It only took a few minutes before the waitress returned with a tray in her hand. She was wearing a short skirt and a tight top with a slight V. She bent over just a bit to place Jonathans glass and bottle in front of him. Jonathan smiled at her, keeping his eyes away from her cleavage and focused on her face. She was rather cute.
“How about you take a drink and join me? It’s not as if there are a lot of customers.”
He motioned with his hand and he was right. There were only two couples and an elderly man. They didn’t seem like they would need a refill that fast. Both couples were more interested in each other then their drinks and the man was reading a newspaper. The waitress pushed a strand of hair back, a little bit shy she nodded and disappeared in to the café again.
Jonathan took a n** from his glass and before he knew it she was back, holding a hot chocolate with whipped cream. He smiled at her and pushed back the chair next to him. She sad down, still as shy as before. It was somewhat amazing, when she had first served him she had looked confident while now she was as shy as a deer.
“So how long have you been working here?”
She looked up from the mug she had cupped in her hand, “just a few years.”
“And are you going to look for a different job or do you like this job?”
She sighed a little and took a n** from her mug, “I don’t know yet, I think I can find a better job if I keep looking but this is paying the bills and I kind of like the work.”
Jonathan shrugged, “Well, whatever suits you fancy. There aren’t many people who find a job they like so if I were you, I wouldn’t leave.”
She nodded in reply and leant backwards in her chair, “so what kind of job do you have? I mean, you are wearing a tuxedo and driving a motorcycle…”
Jonathan laughed, “That is a strange combination, I know. Well, in any case I’m not in to normal jobs. I’m a bounty hunter when I need cash fast or a bodyguard when I just want some extra money," with a smile he picked up his glass and took a gulp of his Bitter Lemon.
The girl looked at him and actually raised an eyebrow, “I don’t believe you. You might be big but you don’t seem to be a fighter," while she talked her cheeks turned red and she turned slightly away from him.
“Then don’t believe me.” He emptied his glass, “It’s your own decision, I would just recommend you to not judge a book by its cover. I learned that the hard way.” He grinned and stood up while gently taking her hand, “anyway, it’s been my pleasure completely,” he kissed her hand, making her blush and turn away. At that time he gently let go and quickly sat down on his bike. He kicked it in gear just when she looked up to see nothing but thing air. He brought his index and middle finger up in a salute, “thanks for the drink.”
He laughed out loud, threw his bag over his shoulder, pushed the bike backwards, and then floored it. The girl was left with the check. Jonathan couldn’t help it. He had no more money.
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Posted: Fri Sep 19, 2008 12:03 am
For your next task, I'd like you to create a middle post this time. And keep in mind the minimum three paragraphs per post rule of the clan.
The setting would be:
Time: Sunset
Place: Meadows
Occassion: A simple conversation
Person you are talking to: Aya
What you are talking about: Cooking
Please remember the corrections I made in your intro post. They'll help you create a better post.
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Posted: Sat Sep 20, 2008 9:48 am
Jonathan leaned backwards, they had been sitting on this meadow for nearly the entire day. The sun was settling down in the west and coloured the sky red. His companion was Lady Aye, the Ice queen. On a few occasions she had shown that she was worthy of that title, Jonathan was now doing his best to not insult her in any way. Even if he wanted too with the current subject he had to do his best. There weren’t any ways to insult somebody if you were talking about cooking. Well, except calling them names. Jonathan didn’t know that much about cooking. He knew how to cook meat and wash fruits or vegetables and that was everything.
Kiki had come out of the pendant sometime in the afternoon. Since then she had either been sleeping near Jonathan or been hunting down butterflies and other vermin. Currently she was resting between the two, eyeing Aya a little as her head rest on her front leg. Her tail was curled around her and if Jonathan didn’t know any better he would start stroking her back. If Kiki wanted to be petted she would come to you it was a grave mistake to make the first physical contact, especially when she was resting.
“I don’t know,” Jonathan replied to Aya, “is it really that important to know how to cook like a chef? I mean, it’s not as if when you are out in the wilderness you want to be packing a bunch of kitchen knives and pots and pans. You would just make more noise and be slowed down. All I need is a knife, my chains and equipment to make fire. That way I can roast my meat and move on. I don’t need a fancy meal to survive.” He sighs and decides to test his own fate by stretching his arm towards Kiki. The little fox her ears raised up before she looked at Jonathan’s hand hovering a few inches away from her. The ears settled down again and her head returned to the original position, to say that she will tolerate Jonathan’s touch. His fingers absently trailed trough her fur and her eyes closed just the slightest bit. Jonathan couldn’t see it, but if Aya was paying attention she would surely notice.
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 10:05 pm
Wonderful improvement Zerd! 3nodding
Jonathan leaned backwards, they had been sitting on this meadow for nearly the entire day. The sun was settling down in the west and coloured the sky red. His companion was Lady Aye, the Ice queen. On a few occasions she had shown that she was worthy of that title, Jonathan was now doing his best to not insult her in any way. Even if he wanted too with the current subject he had to do his best. There weren’t any ways to insult somebody if you were talking about cooking. Well, except calling them names. Jonathan didn’t know that much about cooking. He knew how to cook meat and wash fruits or vegetables and that was everything.
I only see a few mistakes here so I'll get right to it.
Jonathan leaned backwards, they had been sitting on this meadow for nearly the entire day.
This one sentence is actually two. Simply replace the comma with a period.
Jonathan leaned backwards. They had been sitting on this meadow for nearly the entire day.
The main point I want to make is that if you want to use a comma, make certain that the clause you are connecting is connected with the former. For example:
Silver sent out a flurry of colorful smoke in his direction, he cooked dinner.
See? There's no connection, so it makes the sentence confusing. And that's basically the mistake you made.
Here's something that will help you.
Commas are used to separate independent clauses when they are joined by any of these seven coordinating conjunctions: and, but, for, or, nor, so, yet. Or what I commonly call as:
F- for
A- and
N- nor
B- but
O- or
Y -yet
S -so
A comma will always be placed before these words but there are exceptions. But that will come up in later lessons.
Here are other rules for the usage of commas:
Use commas after introductory clauses, phrases, or words that come before the main clause.
Common starter words for introductory clauses that should be followed by a comma include after, although, as, because, if, since, when, while.
However, don't put a comma after the main clause when a dependent (subordinate) clause follows it (except for cases of extreme contrast).
Ex:
She was late for class, because her alarm clock was broken. (incorrect)
For a little technique in judging as to whether you should put a comma or not, say the sentence out loud with the comma in place (remember, you take a pause whenever you reach the part with the comma) and if it sounds right, then place a comma. If not and it sounds better if there is no pause, then don't put a comma.
Common introductory phrases that should be followed by a comma include participial and infinitive phrases, absolute phrases, nonessential appositive phrases, and long prepositional phrases (over four words).
Ex:
Having finished the test, he left the room.
To get a seat, you'd better come early.
Common introductory words that should be followed by a comma include yes, however, well.
Ex:
Yes, the package should arrive tomorrow morning.
However, you may not be satisfied with the results.
Use a pair of commas in the middle of a sentence to set off clauses, phrases, and words that are not essential to the meaning of the sentence. Use one comma before to indicate the beginning of the pause and one at the end to indicate the end of the pause.
Here are some clues to help you decide whether the sentence element is essential:
If you leave out the clause, phrase, or word, does the sentence still make sense?
Does the clause, phrase, or word interrupt the flow of words in the original sentence?
If you move the element to a different position in the sentence, does the sentence still make sense?
If you answer "yes" to one or more of these questions, then the element in question is nonessential and should be set off with commas. Here are some example sentences with nonessential elements:
Clause: That Tuesday, which happens to be my birthday, is the only day when I am available to meet.
Phrase: This restaurant has an exciting atmosphere. The food, on the other hand, is rather bland.
Word: I appreciate your hard work. In this case, however, you seem to have over-exerted yourself.
Commas are used to separate three or more words, phrases, or clauses written in a series.
Ex:
The Constitution establishes the legislative, executive, and judicial branches of government.
The candidate promised to lower taxes, protect the environment, reduce crime, and end unemployment.
We'll stop with comma lessons for now. It gets a bit confusing if you swallow it all up in one go. Let's move on with your post.
Kiki had come out of the pendant sometime in the afternoon. Since then she had either been sleeping near Jonathan or been hunting down butterflies and other vermin. Currently she was resting between the two, eyeing Aya a little as her head rest on her front leg. Her tail was curled around her and if Jonathan didn’t know any better he would start stroking her back. If Kiki wanted to be petted she would come to you it was a grave mistake to make the first physical contact, especially when she was resting.
Just a few grammar mistakes. Nothing much to worry about. I just want to remind you that you can't change from past to present tense in the same paragraph.
Kiki had come out of the pendant sometime in the afternoon. Since then, (try to say this sentence out loud with the comma and another time without it. When I did it, it sounded better with a pause) she had either been sleeping near Jonathan, or been hunting down butterflies and other vermin. Currently she was resting between the two, eyeing Aya a little as her head rested on her front leg. Her tail was curled around her and if Jonathan didn’t know any better, he would have started stroking her back. If Kiki wanted to be petted, she would come to you. It was a grave mistake to make the first physical contact, especially when she was resting.
For your last paragraph, the first sentence is written in past tense (note the 'replied' word) but after the dialogue, you switched to the present tense.
I put some commas where there are supposed to be commas. I also separated your 'dialogue' paragraph with the 'action' paragraph.
“I don’t know,” Jonathan replied to Aya, “is it really that important to know how to cook like a chef? I mean, it’s not as if when you are out in the wilderness you want to be packing a bunch of kitchen knives and pots and pans. You would just make more noise and be slowed down. All I need is a knife, my chains, and equipment to make fire. That way I can roast my meat and move on. I don’t need a fancy meal to survive.”
He sighed and decided to test his own fate by stretching his arm towards Kiki. The little fox's ears raised up before she looked at Jonathan’s hand, hovering a few inches away from her. The ears settled down again and her head returned to the original position, to say that she would tolerate Jonathan’s touch. His fingers absently trailed through her fur and her eyes closed just the slightest bit. Jonathan couldn’t see it, but if Aya was paying attention she would surely notice.
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Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2008 10:10 pm
We'll proceed with your next task. If you have any questions though, feel free to ask.
Time: Midnight
Place: The ruins of Gambino Mansion
Occassion: A first meeting
Person to interact with: Aya
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Reply
